My child is not a toy
Or a blank slate to be molded
My child is not bad
Or naughty to be scolded
His sister isn’t mean
Her brother isn’t rough
They’re humans learning to live
And life can be tough
We criticise children
Without giving them their dues.
Children are among the most oppressed
Of our society – though it’s not news.
We don’t respect them
We constantly correct them
We tell them to stop, don’t talk
We make them walk
Even when their tired
Our children’s childhoods
Are endangered
And it’s definitely our fault
Somehow we’ve forgotten
We’re raising humans
And so we default,
To old age tactics of shame and blame.
To bribery and tears.
We seem to think our children won’t be scarred,
By us belittling their fears.
My children are not blank slates
Or performing monkeys doing tricks
And neither are yours
Or yours.
Or yours.
They’re humans
And raising them is politics.
Tag Archives: children
Connection, Causal Comments and Costumes of our Life
I wrote this more than a year ago … for some reason, I thought it wasn’t right to share at the time. Perhaps because I felt raw from the day, or perhaps because I got busy … either way, I’m sharing it now. Because as I read it back, I realised just how much I needed my own words today… and I am so immensely grateful that I have this space to write.
With love, from a past version of myself xox
” I was on the bus today, and of course, bus trips mean lots of people. Always opinions, some lovely, others not; but more recently, as I’ve been building up to solo trips with the kids again in the better weather, with them all being older, and E, now 20 months having lots more opinions about the buggy; I’ve thought about how we use the time travelling to connect.
Today, we played I-spy, our version of the game, using colours instead of phonics, and sometimes throwing in the odd shape or physical reference like ‘tall’ or ‘wide’ instead. The kids sat, and looked around, and E started to whine because he was strapped into the buggy. Luckily, another mum got on, and the connection between him and her daughter began, until he fell asleep!
We (mums) chat for a while, talking about kids and coping; she shared some wisdoms about being a mum of 7, and I shared some frustrations about villageless parenting. We connected – over the shared experience of splitting ourselves into multiple pieces, stretching so our children could have parts of us, and simultaneously loving the chance and choice to do this, and being exhausted by it. I told her I thought her family must be beautiful, and I admired her honesty. She told me that it gets easier and harder, affirming that no choice is right, but that we do what we can with the knowledge we have.
A brief, meaningful chat, interrupted by a gentleman getting on the bus and sitting down adjacent to my older 2. “you’ve got your hands full” he said gruffly to me.
“Oh I really do” I replied. “Full of love with my amazing children”.
“Uh, not all the time I bet” was his response!
The other mum looked at me and we shared a moment of horror at the roughness in his voice.
“They really are amazing” I told him. It was our stop. We left.
And once again, I thought about connections. Some positive, some negative, all, inevitably will have an impact on our energy fields. Why do some people feel so harshly about children? Why do they judge when there is more than 1? What did he gain? What was so triggering for him? I wondered aloud a little, with the general cautionary calls to my kids about the road. I thought about how hard it might be for some people to see kids being so free and confident, when they might have never been given the chance to be so.
I wondered how my children felt. Though they know we’ve had these comments and conversations before, so they said they were hardly ruffled, more interested in the scrap metal yard instead. But how does this impact children? How do we make them feel when we comment about how hard they are constantly?
What message do we send when we say, I’ve had enough of you? Because in most instances they never get to say that to us.
Thinking about my children, and the brief beautiful encounter with this lady, I remembered a quote I’d read in an email this week by Rupaul that “You’re born naked and the rest is drag”.
Kindness costs nothing.
The appearances we choose every day impact every single human around us. We are born naked, and needing others to survive… as we grow we create costumes for ourselves every season of life… and yet, when we die, we return to the earth .. dust. The short space of time in between, in the costumes we choose may be brief, but it is so powerful.
The lady on the bus today gave me hope… and it was thanks to her, that though the gentleman’s words stung, I could brush them away, and hold my babies close. A year ago, I might have been brought to tears (probably would have!). Thank you, whoever you are. I am grateful.”
That’s it.
That’s the post. A short meeting that left a big impact.
Whatever your day looks like. Wherever you are in the world. I hope you know this:
You are loved. You are important. You are so much more than enough.
Good Kids Communicate their needs
When I wrote the title of this piece, I cringed! It’s inspired by the continuous discussion and questions asked of parents, about whether or not their children are good, because they don’t cry a lot.
Good? Really – what makes a good kid? Is there a set criteria? It’s something I’ve been think a lot about recently, and definitely something that carries so much weight and pressure, as adults who were raised with the notion that good is desirable and that anything else would be ‘not enough’. From a generation that was manipulated into behaviours that got us rewards, the notion of a good kid comes with a hefty price.
But bear with me. I don’t actually think that only ‘good’ kids communicate; instead, its about a sense of safety.
If communication is required in some form, to allow meaningful interactions with others around us, then communication, whether through spoken language, body gestures or other forms non-verbal interactions is a cornerstone of our existence. Therefore, it stands that I will assume, communication in ANY form, is the way that kids communicate their needs.
The caveat here, is that when kids are responded to, they continue to communicate – thus falling into the ‘good’ category (i.e. safe); whereas if they are ignored, neglected, or pushed away, these children often learn that their attempts at communication are a waste of energy – and energy is a precious resource.
Good kids, are kids who, despite it being unpalatable for their grown ups, are safe enough to continue their efforts at communication – they are SAFE in the knowledge that at some point they will be responded to. And so they persist.
But still, society asks if our children are good. They are praised for not crying on an airplane journey. They are hushed when they upset on a bus. They are given screens in public places just to avoid embarrassment; and if this isn’t an option and they act up, they are often labelled ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’ or something equally as ridiculous – either by passers by, or by overwhelmed parents who just want to get out of the situation, often being triggered by the fact that we have been conditioned into the unacceptability of these outbursts of noise. We sometimes even hush their joy for the same reason – fearing it will bother people around.
But it is an outdated idea that good kids are quiet. The notion that good children don’t cry, is actually more telling of the society around us, the expectation that kids should be seen and not heard, that kids – despite being so dependent on us – should never cause inconvenience by crying, or communicating that they require something that puts us out.
Not all kids will do this. Some will, in a last ditch attempt to gain the response, acceptance and love they crave; be extra loud, extra hyper, extra – everything; and again this isn’t effective communication, because they haven’t felt safe.
Truly, as we learn more about children, the way they communicate with their voices, their bodies, their cries. The way that they play and process, and the way that they marvel at the world with eyes so bright – all of the time, communicating. The way that we respond matters. Safe kids, will communicate their needs.
Quiet kids, are often quiet because they don’t feel heard, or feel like they shouldn’t be heard. They have internalized that nobody is going to respond; and so make sure to take up as little space as possible – often becoming adults who do the same and cannot set boundaries, honour their needs or even understand why it’s so hard to communicate with peers/others.
So what makes a good kid? Is there a set criteria?
I don’t think so. I think, though it’s hard, the question we should be asking is about those raising them. What makes a good parent? How do we respond to our children to let them know, even if we don’t fully understand what they are telling us, that we value their communication? What do we do, even when we don’t approve, that let’s them know, all communication is valid, all their needs and wants can be heard, even if that means we say no.
What do you think?
As ever, thanks for reading,
Rohana x
Overthinking Play
Play is a vital part of childhood. We develop most of our early skills through play and so allowing my son a variety of ways to play is currently a top priority.
This one is simple really, I just wanted to share about the way we play. Having a 2 year old means a LOT of testing, and sometimes it’s not always possible to spend every single minute involved in their play.
There is housework, cooking, showering, going to the loo etc etc etc. Some things, there is room for my toddler, even if I don’t necessarily want to share; for example, I have given up attempting to have a wee without either being followed or demanded down the stairs again. However, when I am cooking or washing the dishes, the boundaries are firmer, he is NOT allowed to put his hand in the hot water, or play with the oven dials or use a knife. Simple right ? Unless you are a 2 year old who feels like the world is overwhelming and unfair and Mummy never lets you do anything interesting!
It’s hard being a toddler. And I say that sincerely.
Honestly I would love to stay on the floor or sofa and play all day. Some days we do that, and have left-overs or daddy makes dinner. But other days it’s impossible. Instead of ‘dealing with a screaming toddler’ though, I try to find ways we can adapt situations so he is busy while I am too. It doesn’t always work, but even 50% is better than nothing. Extra bonus, it gives me something to explore with him another day or ask about before bed.
These are some of my recent play set ups. I haven’t used them all yet, and will fully confess that a lot is inspired by various Instagram accounts who are much better at this than I am. Regardless, what we are doing works for us right now so that’s all that matters to me.
Play is hard sometimes. I tend to expect something from it or for TP to want new things, but often he’s happy to repeat crafts we’ve done. Letting go of expectations is something both H and I are working hard on. Child led can be challenging. The results are worth it, in time.
How do you play? Are there any prompts you’d like to see or try? Send me your thoughts and ideas, I’d love to hear.