Category Archives: Personal

Pregnancy Part 8 – Studying the Mind of Babies

Futurelearn

I am back at university now and have just completed a Futurelearn course called ‘Babies in Mind’.
Futurelearn is an e-learning platform and honestly it is wonderful! There are hundreds of courses offered on there, entirely for free – unless you want the certificate, then you gotta pay for that. The site covers a range of courses from learning languages to tips about university life (I probably should have done that one) and lots of stuff on science and literature.

I learned about it years ago, but truth be told, this is the first time I have stuck to it and completed a course – and I am very glad I did. I have learned a lot and I hope that when the time comes, I will be able to put into practice at least some of the bits about raising babies that I now know about.

I learned:

About what extreme environments do to children – it is heartbreaking and was hard to watch/read because all I could think about was that I want better for Theo… and I hope I will give him that. I learned about how attention deprivation is a consequence of extreme environments and that children can go from very interactive to uninterested in a short space of time.

I watched videos on different types of attachment formed with babies, and how these can affect interactions and personalities formed in later life. The course also covered pregnancy and how we can affect our babies in the womb. I have recently watched a few TED talks on pregnancy and parenthood and I will at some point make a post about my favourite ones.

It was enlightening to learn about how a mothers mental and physical state can affect her unborn child in such unforeseen ways; I am not talking about drug abuse but rather stress during pregnancy and it contributing to having a child more likely to be anxious or have mental health problems. Interestingly, we learned about how in the Danish famine mid 20th century, the babies of mothers pregnant during that time were likely to develop health conditions of the heart or be obese – and apparently this is because of the rewiring of development while in the womb.

My lessons and ambitions

The material in the course really strengthened my resolve to keep calm and be happy about my pregnancy. This isn’t always easy but I am doing my best and I know that more than anything I want to give my baby a good life.

It reiterated the importance of attention and reactions to a baby, in terms of mirroring their expressions to help them understand and feel safe. I want my baby to feel safe with me and I hope that even though it might not come easily all the time, I help him feel secure and loved in the world around him.

We also talked about post natal depression and while I know that I have a 9/10 chance of not experiencing it, I also know that it is something that could happen. The course hit home how much having PND can affect a baby if untreated so I am now much more aware of how important it is to seek help… and also acutely aware that it really can happen to anyone.

I didn’t buy the certificate for the course… I did it for my own personal knowledge and I am glad that I did. I would also recommend it to anyone who is interested – it helps reflect on personal experiences with childhood, ambitions for raising children or perhaps also reflections on how you have raised/are raising them and generally is quite an interesting nugget of information.

Pregnancy Part 7 – Spending Time With Hubby

Flying visit

I dropped my husband off at the airport yesterday … I think I will refer to him as ‘H’ at points because if not saying husband or significant other etc. all the time is a bit odd.
He literally came to Gibraltar for a flying visit… arrived on Tuesday and left Saturday so we had 4 nights together. Still, in such a short space of time we did make the most of it and tried to get a few bits done… we talked a lot and of course, as is us, we argued too, but at the end of the day I am really really glad he made it over because I missed him.
I miss him again already.
He’s back at work now and I am not sure that I’ll see him again before the baby comes. In many ways, I resent this, because I see couples who, admittedly have had better timing, get loads of time together, and they experience the wonders and woes of pregnancy and birth and babies and family life all as a real couple. I sometimes don’t feel like we are a real couple because he lives away.

Party time

When he was over we had a party of sorts to celebrate baby and marriage and generally us… it was really lovely, even though he probably thought it was a bit useless, it was something we needed to do because my family/family friends didn’t really get to celebrate our wedding with us.
We hosted a small event at Bistro 292 in Main Street and hats off to them because they did a fantastic job! The food was wonderful and the staff are always friendly. We would have loved to put some music on and have a wedding slide show – which I made but didn’t work 😞. Still the evening was good… H interacted with a few people and the men mostly segregated themselves in conversation so we left them to their corner and I socialised mostly with the women’s table but tried to talk to everyoen as much as possible. The photo below is most of us, although some people left early.
Bless them they are all so lovely and have been so supportive with all the surprises recently. I am especially grateful to them for this for my mum because I know that we were both quite worried about how my baby news would be received. These people are my extended family, even if they are not blood relatives and have been so influential as we have grown up… but they are also traditionalists in many ways, and while we are together as a group, we have a lot of differences too! I had initially worried that they would judge my surprise but they have been wonderful and I think that they are partly the reason my mum was on board so quickly. Times like this do truly show us who the closest people we have are.

Our Short Days

The rest of the days with my hubby honestly went by in a blur. I had my Yoga exam on Wednesday and he was absolutely exhausted from travelling and the party so he slept in the morning and spent time with my grandma in the afternoon while I took my exam. Then bless him he dressed up all smart and proper to meet me for a photoshoot and dinner – we did the first part but it was so bloody windy that we ended up having a snack and eating at home.
I will put the photos (as many as I can) up of the shoot when I get them. My mum’s friend Gerry did it for us, and she is going to do another one of my when I am massive and waddling 😂. I truly am lucky to have so many wonderful people supporting and helping and getting excited for me. In many ways, it is through them that I have given myself permission to feel happy and excited too.
We didn’t do much else really… watched a movie, went for lunch (H treated me which was very lovely of him), and we cuddled, talked, argued a little and made love. The few days we had were not enough, but we are used to having short hellos and long goodbyes… unfortunately that is what long distance relationships are like. Still, it was worth it.

Our Arguments

I honestly don’t know why I get so annoyed sometimes. I feel like a terrible yogi when I look back because the practice of Ahimsa (non-violence) is not one I follow with ease – but it is all part of the journey I know. I am not saying I am physically violent, but I think emotionally, I get worried and annoyed and mean… it is something I most definitely have to work on.
Part of it is because he isn’t around so I am scared he won’t be involved – in fact, I know he won’t and that really hurts. Rationally I know it bothers him, but sometimes I feel like I have the short end of the stick. I want to work on that… practice my Yamas and Niyamas and show him that I care much more about the person he is that what my friends or family think… and show him that I know he wants to be involved. I want to be a wife he is proud of.
We are always going to fight… I have a very short fuse and he knows how to irritate me without trying… That said, my husband is a saint in his reactions to me… He very rarely reacts badly, and if he does, it’s a look of frustration or a slight change in his voice. He is calm and lets me go on and on until he can see I am done and then gets up and hugs me… His hugs make the world melt away and everything gets better. Even if I am still annoyed, I know that he loves me and that the is telling me that things are going to be okay… he is NOT a communicative person but his subtle actions are his way of talking I think.
It’s a wonder he ended up with me because I am not at all like him. I do know however, that even though we are dissimilar, I am so lucky to have him as my rock.

Future Plans

I hope to see him before August but at the moment we have no plans. If I don’t then the next time we get to say hello there will be a tiny human that is a bit of him and a bit of me in the world…. it’s actually an entirely scary but beautiful thought.
Theo and I miss him… I think Theo does anyway – through me I feel like he does sense a change in mood or presence. I definitely miss H, but I know that we are stronger than the distance between us and eventually, things will work out… for now our future plans are uncertain but we do know that our baby is coming and we love him. For now, that is enough.

Yoga – My Hatha Exam

Despite my blog name relating heavily to yoga, I have failed to so far explain my relationship with yoga. I do intend to do so, but, that is for another time.

I am training and will hopefully pass my exam to qualify as an Integral Yoga Hatha Level 1 teacher on Wednesday – i.e. tomorrow! And while I have been teaching for a few months at uni, I am now really nervous.

Yoga, class and my brief background:

The basic integral yoga class is wonderful, it works with the bodily systems in a straightforward order and through the asanas, a student is encouraged to tune in to their body and listen to what it tells them. As someone who grew up doing yoga and attending satsangs with my mum, this feeling is a beautiful one that I have learned to appreciate as I got older. I love that yoga has taken off and people are interested in it, but for me, yoga has always been more than posture and I am blessed that my mum has brought me up with the Yoga Centre in Gibraltar playing a big part in my childhood life.

Now as a teacher in training, the joy I feel when I can see my students reach this peace and comfort is immense. In some ways, I actually prefer teaching to my physical practice because I love sharing yoga with other people.

Yoga Society:

I started a society at uni with a couple of other students and we have really enjoyed it, plus I have been privileged to develop a lot of friendships through it.
If my classes continue next year with the baby that will be wonderful… but at the moment I am not committing 100% to anything because I have no idea what Theo will be like and I of course want to put him first. That said, I hope to have a yogi baby so maybe he will just come to class with me and inspire others until he can join in.

My course:

The course is a basic 200 hour qualification… encompassing Raja Yoga (science of the mind), Hatha (physical) postures or Asanas, aspects of the yogic diet, lifestyle, meditation and much more.
There is chanting which I absolutely adore and being pregnant I am trying to encourage chanting with my baby – for example my alarm in the mornings is the ‘Hari Om’ chant so I can wake up connecting to higher energy fields.
We also, of course, do a lot of pranayama and right now I am nervous about teaching kapalabati (the skull shining breath) because during pregnancy it is recommended that women refrain from the breath so I haven’t taught it at uni BUT I have to teach it for my exam.
So now, I am studying for my written theory exam which has a lot of Anatomy and Physiology in it as well as general knowledge about Integral Yoga; and, I am also preparing for my oral exam where I have to demonstrate teaching a class to a few students and my teacher.
Luckily I have my mum! She has been a teacher for over 20 years, has helped with the training for various other groups of students and has been my personal guide through the entire training. Since I have done a lot of it long distance at university, this has meant lots of Skype sessions and late night chats about body systems, Sanskrit names and other yoga related things. Basically mum has been my saviour and she is about to go over some last minute bits with me now too.
I will write more about yoga and what it means to me, and yoga during pregnancy too… but for now, I am going to practice and hopefully I won’t over think and complicate my life.

Post script – I passed!

I took the exam and barring the Kapalabati breath, which of course I was so worried about that I entirely messed up, I passed the exam and got some wonderful feedback.
Thank you so much to my mum and Aunty Nalanie for encouraging me and training me through the last year. I definitely feel like going back to uni there is a lot more I have to offer now as well.

Pregnancy Part 6 – The Bus

Weekend Break

This weekend, since my parents were both off, we booked a hotel in Seville. It was a small getaway with a few family friends – we used to do them all the time but recently it’s less because everyone has their own stuff going on. Nevertheless, even though we were a small group of 11 people, it was wonderful to have some time out and enjoy the sun. Seville is a beautiful city.
In Spain the Easter holidays are a huge deal… and in Seville, Semana Santa is almost a bigger event than Christmas and the Festival of the 3 Kings – Reyes. Palm Sunday (today) was the start of the week-long processions and celebrations in the city so there was a buzz in the air as we walked around. I had forgotten what an important time this was, mostly because even thought I know I am home for the Easter Break, I haven’t really given much thought to when the holiday is and what it means. For me, having the few weeks off is a chance to catch up on some writing, do my coursework and yoga exam and actually relax…
My plans this week at least are to study and to get fat.

Speaking of which… my belly seems to be growing huge and fast! I have put on 5.5 kg since Christmas and I am really proud.

On the left I’m 12 weeks … just married and even still a lot bigger than before I was pregnant… On the right is me this weekend. I still have 16 weeks to go at least.

My Bus Experience

The distinct difference means I actually do look pregnant now… so much so that for the first time ever somebody gave up their seat for me on the bus.

I wanted to post about it on Saturday after it happened but a lack of reliable wifi made that impossible. Plus, since we were with a group of people (family friends), I didn’t want to spend loads of time away being unsocial. That said, on the bus journey into the city I did write a little bit:

“Today was the first time someone gave up their seat on the bus for me… It ws really quite a strange feeling because usually I’d be that person – not that I get use the bus very often at uni, but when I have, or if I’ve been on the London Underground, I am always conscious that other people might be more needy of the seat I am using. 
I was initially taken back slightly and quite happy to stand but after a few minutes of swaying and jerking I was quite glad for the seat. I must really look quite pregnant now then… although even at 24 weeks now I still forget sometimes that I am a human incubator.” 

It was quite an odd occurrence but also really lovely to know that there are people who do give up seats for pregnant women. We spent the entire day walking around Seville as well so my feet by the end were swollen and sore, any respite during the day was welcome and looking back even just that 20 minute bus journey where I got to sit down was a real kindness.

Whoever the girl is who gave up your seat, I thank you…. and to anyone who does give up their seat, for pregnant women or for the elderly or anyone who might need it, thank you. It is people like you and small acts of kindness that reverberate around the world and help heal it.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I am now back home and my little brother has the week off so hopefully we will get some time together… I have studying to do and essays to write so it’s looking like another busy week. I hope whoever reads this has a lovely Easter if you celebrate it or a lovely week if you don’t!

Pregnancy Part 5 – Uncertain at home

So, as I’ve already established, I am a student and students have holidays. My last post was about my airport musings as I waited for my flight over a grilled cheese sandwich and hot chocolate but now I am home.

This is a beautiful photo of home: Gibraltar, taken by my dad. At one point it was actually pinned up on my uni wall for when I got homesick. It’s small and over-crowded, but it’s home.
Unfortunately, even though home is wonderful, it is definitely somewhere that I am more uncomfortable being pregnant and in the next couple of weeks I need to work on that and get over it. The community is quite small and so everyone knows everyone here… which means that most people who are acquainted with either my parents, brother or myself will probably have heard or seen that I am carrying a tiny human.

Why am I uncomfortable?

I love my baby – even though I haven’t yet met him. I feel protective and bonded with him and whenever he moves inside me I stop and take note because it is a feeling I know will not be one I am gifted for long. It is beautiful and while I do believe that pregnancy is not all that TV glamours it up to be, I do love the fact I have been given a soul to carry and raise.
BUT…
I am a student, and when I was living here I had all these ambitions and opinions on how I was going to change the world. I wanted to make myself into someone and I, for a long time, believed that marriage and babies was a thing that other women wanted but that I did not.
Top this with the fact that my parents (who are amazing and supportive) are also very conservative… and also that I semi-belong to the Indian community here… my pregnancy is a little bit of an awkward situation socially.
I have for the last 4 days had the mental battle of whether to hide my bump with leggings and a hoodie because that would be more conservative, or flaunt it because I am proud that I am carrying a tiny human. My parents are known community members, they both have jobs that deal with the public and in some ways I feel like it is extremely unfair on them to flaunt something that is really quite a cause for gossip… Luckily, they, despite their social conventions, have been nothing but supportive. They bought baby a mini crib for when I deliver and have my first couple months here, and are helping me with loads of stuff.
It is more my awareness of the social stigma that my pregnancy carries that is causing this battle than anything anyone has said – but while I profess to be a strong minded yogini, I am also flawed and this battle is one that I am still facing.

What should I do?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to this yet. If anyone has any advice then I’d love to hear it.
I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, but I am not embarrassed of my belly. Yes, my little miracle was a surprise but he is loved by his entire family… he is healthy and moving and I am cherishing the job I have of helping him grow. I am trying to learn what is best and I am praying that the universe will guide me so that I can do everything possible to shape him into a good, kind, confident and happy person.
Rationally I know that there is nothing anyone can say that I haven’t already thought or expected people to say… I think that I just need to come to terms with the fact that I broke the rules and did something unconventional. I may have had a life plan, but the universe had a better one and I need to learn to accept that.
I have just over 2 weeks left here and a hell of a lot to do… so I hope that by the time I head back, the battle is over, and my mind is closer to peace.