Day 40 – Unbecoming

Did you know, doing something for 40 days rewires our neurobiology?

It’s stronger than a habit.

It’s why, many yoga practices, or meditations etc do 40 days…. its a magic number.

When I committed to these 40 days, I was feeling really unsure, given that our house move is now in 3 days, I knew it would be a push, but actually, it has been such a grounding gift to be able to reflect and hold space for myself. To show up and to say, even when I don’t want to, I will.

I adore writing. I adore reading too, though I do far less of it than I’d like.

I used to think, I’d need things to be on point or have a theme in order to show up. It has boxed me in.

Slowly the self-censorship shackles are being broken.

On that topic, last year, I set intentions around self censorship in my breathwork practice. I was feeling very caged in, and much of it was related either to my own self imposed ideas of what was okay or not, or from what I’d decided comments from those close to me meant. I was frustrated and angry. I wanted change.

My intentions were around letting go of self censorship that didn’t serve me. Allowing myself to step authentically into my voice and feeling able to speak my truth regardless of the voices around me. That didn’t mean to be cruel, it meant, I needed to tune in.

A year later… I’m reflecting on this and realising, the thoughts and intentions I protected out then are my reality now without any real planning. I crafted it.

I won’t lie – it feels fu*king good!

Change isn’t instant…. but it comes. This process has been an anchoring of that.

I won’t continue to write every day, not specifically here at least. But I’ve got some incredible ideas for more shares that have been inspired the past 40 days; and I will continue to share on other platforms.

I consider myself a writer.

Writing is a part of who I am… and when I write, even (especially) if it’s just for me, there is magick in those offerings.

I’m off to write some more pages of intentions… crafting my reality for next year .. and beyond. I’ll leave you with this, a note I had written for myself in May 2023:

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and expect change or transformation to be instant? It’s like asking a pregnant woman to birth instantly, without allowing her the process and labour of love and transition she needs in order to bring life earthside. Our instant culture is ruining us… choosing slowness and ease is more radical every day.

From my journalling notes

If you’ve stuck with me these past 40 days, thank you. If you’ve been around longer, thank you. If you’re only just showing up, welcome.

There are many many transformations coming. I’m stocking up on spoons to be able to share them!

I hope you know, whereever you are, you are loved. You are important. You are powerful. You are so much more than enough.

I’ll see you in a few weeks, with love,

Rohana

Day 39 – Connecting

I’m just home from another goodbye.

This one hurt.

They all have and will in different ways… but this one has been a friendship built around me as an adult, not around my kids. It’s different. 

I said goodbye and didn’t have to hold it together for my kids, so tears are falling… and I’m letting them. We’ve spent years here, made memories, had some really hard times and some really incredible ones.

I have had my biggest mental breakdown in this house, and I’ve also literally birthed one of my children here.

I’ve had my parenting choices questioned by people I thought I could trust… and I’ve had some of the most intimate connection and wonderful support, all within these moldy, damp, magnolia walls.

And now, we’re leaving.

Part of me says good riddance. There has been so much pain … the holes in the wall are only a snapshot of that.

Another part of me looks around and sees just how much strength has been created too.

And as tears roll, I pause my writing and tap … grateful, sad, loving, overwhelmed, it all exists in this moment.

Some people come into our lives by absolute accident, and end up having the most profound impact.

There are no reasons to connect, and yet we do.

The universe deciding that we need to share and shed light with different people.

Each one of the friends I am saying goodbye to this week has been a light, not all at the same time, not all in the same way… but all there. Sharing their brightness; creating ripples that impact me and those I will meet on our new adventures.

I told this particular friend I’ve been writing… and that today, day 39 means I’m nearly done. Its been vulnerable to show up here. It’s been interesting. It’s been exciting and hard and some days I’ve wanted to give up. But now, with 1 day left, I’m not done… I need to find a new way to share and connect more regularly. I’m ready to shed a little and step into something new.

Shedding layers.

Saying goodbyes.

Starting new.

This year I didn’t make resolutions … and I didn’t choose words (not alone at least). I set intentions for the year that were bigger than that.

To deepen friendships and build new relationships.

To call in a year of intense beauty, filled with ease, joy, prosperity, love and creation.

I am living this intentions right now. They are here… in the friendships… in the beauty… in the love.

My kids probably think I get a cheat sheet because with a phone we can still stay in contact with many friends. I understand.

They didn’t choose this.

They’re saying goodbyes too.

And I’m once again grateful for the blessing and curse that technology is.

Right now, I am focusing on some more current intentions; calling in seamless transitions… and fully aware that as I set them, I am also able to celebrate how we are living in a space that intentions are always coming into reality. It’s epic.

For tonight, goodbye

With love

Rohana x

Day 38 – Loop-the-Loop

Some days are beautiful and easy more than they are hard.

Other days, I want to disappear, crawl back into bed and hide.

Both are a real and true part of parenting… and of course, there are many many days where we have moments of in between.

That is why I call parenting a rollercoaster; because we really are constantly going on an up, down, twist and curve, with occasional loop-the-loops.

It’s not just parenting, but life. Parenting amplifies it, because not only am I responsible for my own nervous system, I’m also holding space and sharing my nervous system with the tiny people around me. It’s a blessing… and a curse.

Today has been one of those loop-the-loop days here; ironic given that yesterday I reflected on how my capacity has changed to hold more… today I shrunk right back down and struggled!

It has been the perfect example to get me thinking about how unfairly we treat young people, asking them to make big life choices at exactly the same time, pushing them to tick boxes, and squeezing their capacity, so that everything is “standardised” when in reality, we are real, whole human beings with multitudes of experiences every single day.

The other day, I was fun, connected, playful. If you had seen me today, flustered, grouchy, and fighting with my 6yo because he wouldn’t take personal responsibility (oh I know!)… you’d have thought I was absolutely insane. And aren’t we all a little?

Both are aspects of parenting.

Neither make me a better or worse mum. Just human. Trying to love and hold and honour these experiences of raising humans. I don’t doubt I’ve got many things wrong… and I also know I get lots of things right. Whether or not there’s a balance, only time will tell.

I wrote this at the park:

It was true for me then and much of it is true as I write this now. The rollercoaster is real!

It doesn’t make this harder day any less valid.

So, a heaped tablespoon of compassion… for all of us… and a repair that looked like saying “I love you, let’s try again tomorrow”.

It’s enough.

With buckets of love, sending spoons your way,

Rohana x

Day 37 – Goodbye Feelings and Other thoughts

We said goodbye to friends today, and on the walk home, we had the first real wobble in a long time from P and A about our move.

They’ve been excited mostly, knowing that there is more adventure on the way.

But today, saying goodbye was hard. They both shared how sad they are to leave friends. And I really do get it.

They’ve laid down roots here… after all, A was only 11 months when we arrived. K has never known any different… and this is the longest space I’ve lived in since Gibraltar. Despite many many rough moments and months where I was desperately seeking ways to move out, we have made many beautiful memories here.

Day 37 of my writing, and it’s been the anchor I needed as we prepare to leave… giving me a space to share, reflect and honour that we all have so much going on. The last few days especially have been intense, and between writing, breathwork and my own study/reading, I’ve seen just how much I’ve expanded my capacity to really hold my kids through their feelings.

It’s not that I couldn’t before. I did. I tried. I did the best I could with the resources I had.

In the past year though, things have shifted. I can hold them closer without getting so affected. I can take things less personally (most of the time), and I am more resourced. It’s not been by magic, because my goodness I’ve done a lot of work… but this weekend I had an anchoring moment where I felt in my body just how much more I’m able to tap into reserves and replenish them. It was confirmation to keep going, even when it seems a little crazy.

Truthfully, as I write this, I’m shifting again and I can feel it. I stretched myself today, getting on my IG for a live that was interrupted and cut short by my kids… I wouldn’t have attempted it a year ago, but I know I’ll attempt it again later. I’m deeper in the birth world. Deeper in my activism, rooted in parenting and doing what I can. Deeper in my own self acceptance, and “fu*k you” attitude to those who cannot respect boundaries.

Boundaries… a buzz word! I’ll share about them later this year… but again today, I had a tangible experience of holding my own energy and not allowing someone into my energy field. Holding the boundary. This isn’t new, and it isn’t old, it just is, and the more I practice, the easier it becomes.

Between expansions and feelings, and the physical boxing of our life here… I know we are ready to move on. We are mentally boxing up too now, and waiting on H to come home. Over a year of weekending done. The next adventure awaits.

For tonight, that’s it,

I prefer writing in the mornings really.

With love,

Rohana x

Day 36 – Our words matter ~ A Poem

I came across this title ‘our words matter’ in my journal, and it was blank. I had a minute and thought, well this is perfect, my 40 days of writing can be to share this today… so, a poem inspired by past me.

The voice in our minds
Is often born when we are little
Those early years
When grown ups are the gods
And we are learning
Soaking up the world
When we believe that what they say
Is the biggest and most important
Truth

From our time in the womb
We hear voices
And these voices
Stay with us
Sometimes forever

It might be

The voice that tells us we are
Beautiful
Smart
Loveable
Held

It can also be
The voice that pulls us down
Annoying
Dramatic
Naughty
Useless

The voices we carry,
From childhood
Through life
Are often those of our parents
Brothers
Sisters
Teachers
Friends
Though the latter less so

It makes me wonder
Not only about my own voices
But those my children will carry
It brings hope
And guilt
And curiosity
About the voices those around me
Have inside them too

Thanks for reading,

With love, Rohana x