For the first time in a few days I looked around and thought, what am I going to write about tonight?!

I’ve shared quite a bit about our days over the past few weeks, but a topic I haven’t shared much about it mess, priorities and managing the chaos.

Truthfully, its probably because I’ve not even thought about most of it… other than the usual dishes and tidying, I tend to leave all the big housework jobs for the weekend when H is back to share the load. It works better like this for us, even if it means there’s 4 or 5 loads of laundry to do, cooking to prep, and bits to tidy at the weekend.

Why?

I used to beat myself up about my inability to ‘stay on top’ of – the laundry, the cooking, the home ed prep, the documenting, the food shops and play. That was, until I realised I couldn’t manage all the things, when I was overwhelmed and stretched between kids, sleep deprived and hungry! I soon realised after this that I am neurodivergent and my adhd brain doesn’t love habitual everyday things like laundry and dishes and showers or cooking. It takes so much effort for me to do these things, with active thoughts and engagement required at every step. Washing my hair is a HUGE effort… and genuinely, though I love my hair, I regularly consider chopping it off.

Now that I’ve figured out it’s not my lack of being a good adult who manages life, but rather because I am human and imperfect, the laundry and I are open enemies.

The kids find it hilarious when I start on the first pile because its such a long job. Last weekend as my daughter helped and watched she’d say things like “why is there so many clothes!” Or wonder out loud why there are more of her little brothers clothes than hers (he gets changed a lot!).

Having this dialogue, with extra frustrated, comical voices “yeah there is just so much folding!” from me, and jokes about how they all could swap clothes and confuse me, means that this loathsome task becomes easier. It also normalises doing boring, no-dopamine kind of jobs, and making light of them, and shows the kids it’s okay to be overwhelmed by these things.

Most weekends, we find a pattern where I sort while H cooks… then we split other jobs as needed. Of course, kids factor in there so sometimes we’ll tag team each other in being the playmates before johs. He helps keep me on track with it, and I need him to do the cooking because the kids prefer his food. Win – win – win ! Seriously I attempted to make a decent dinner today and it was such a battle to get them to eat! Eventually they did, and then requested desert… it wasn’t a total flop.

After dinner, I put another load of washing it, and before bed, I looked at the overflowing baskets on the floor… 4 loads of laundry, and they still have clothes to wear! I think if they didn’t, I’d be better at it from pure necessity. I asked aloud what to write, and then looked at the pile and thought, “yeah that’s the thing” because though some parts of my life may look dreamy (I had someone say this to me today), other parts show I’m genuinely just figuring my stuff out, like everyone else.

I think when we normalise this, it brings everyone around us into a space of gratitude. Gratitude that we aren’t alone in being a mess. Gratitude at what we have figured out. Gratitude at the fact we have time to find ways that work for us.

Normalise the loathsome laundry or the dreaded hair wash! Honestly it’s not as odd as people might think.

With love,

Rohana xox

Past versions of me was pretty ready by now, but this version is slower.  Not necessarily a bad thing, but something new for us to navigate for sure.

I did some more boxes today, and got a few more to dos sorted for baby dragon. I even finished the birth intentions  which I should be printing and laminating in the next week… I found copies of A and Ks plans and thought about how much we’ve changed! Ps plan was worlds away.

I’ve got 3 plans, and though I won’t share them in depth here, I will point out that there are only 3 because I have assumed a number of things about each situation. The first page is the goal which means likely nobody will read it until after baby dragon us earthside. It is the one we are preparing for, and once we get up to Scotland, will be setting up the house for.

The 2nd page is ‘in case of transfer, non emergency ‘ which is, as it sounds, not an emergency transfer. I’m not anticipating this will happen, BUT prepping for it because if it does, I want to make sure we’re ready.

Page 3 is the emergency plan. This is the one where I’ve transferred in as an emergency and understand that many options will be dependent on what’s safe and available. So it has things like “honour the golden hour” and “I intend to breastfeed” in it, along with the note that says ‘where possible’.

I could go deeper, making 5 or 6 plans… and maybe I will over the coming weeks, but I’m confident with the 3 for now.

It’s the first time I’ve planned like this. And now it’s something I talk about in my Womb to Arms course, and something I suggest to those I support, because planning for A is great, but having your B, C, D and even E considered options is  important.

That said, though some things change as we grow, other things are still very much the same. The night waking and need for mummy cuddles is still well and truly the same, with each child adding to the nighttime lullaby of snores and sounds. Our Delta waves playlist competing over Ks current mightnight shouts.

This is probably the bit I’m least pioorepared for… sleeping with another human in the space. Its also going to be the biggest shock to them! In time… we’ve got plenty of it.

Tomorrow H comes home after 2 weeks and I’ll do some more prep work, printing and planning. My next project is to gather some recipes for us to lean on in the early days, nourishing, wholesome meals, that won’t take ages to prep and I’ll be able to freeze once we get set up. I read the other day that if you can prioritising 1 thing during postpartum, prioritise food… knowing what I know now, as opposed to when I was last in this space preparing for K, I couldn’t agree more. Preparing for postpartum as much as we prepare for birth is vital in establishing foundations in motherhood. It is a gift to ourselves and our babies.

Speaking of, one of mines up again!

With love,

Rohana x

Yesterday I got a letter about antenatal care which sent me spiralling into a old survival response that was present with Ks pregnancy.

It started earlier than that, but it’s where I know this anxiety lived the most, and it’s a space I’ve worked to move away from for nearly 3 years. This pregnancy has been grounded in trust, in autonomy and in honoring my body; manifested from genuine joy and love, the whole experience has been filled with magick.

So, yesterday surprised me, but it’s also provided me with material to breathe on, and showed me where I have fears and triggers that I can realise in preparation for this baby.

I’m planning my own mother blessing in a few weeks, so perfect timing!

That said, once the initial stress went, and I cancelled the appointments etc, another wave of thoughts came, much deeper, and more directed at the root issue, rather than this specific instance – especially since its not the first letter or text or phonecall in the past few weeks.

Ultimately, I’ve chosen to attend the appointments I wanted to, to get the information I needed, and the rest, I’ve declined. Midwifery, like many other systems is an opt in system, and in the UK we have the right to choose to attend appointments or decline them. For me, this was sorted months ago…. but the phonecalls and letters have kept coming.

Which got me thinking about autonomy and how pregnancy means that much of the time, our autonomy in given away without our consent. Booked into appointments, told what we should and shouldn’t do, and eventually told when to have our baby – with induction rates soaring and so many reporting coercion, this is not a leap!

Taking steps towards autonomy, making informed choices and choosing to do things that aren’t conformative within the system, often gets pushed back a lot.

Much like it does within the education system. Most free thinking, questioning of authority, or moving towards autonomy, is seen as a threat to the system, disruptive or disrespectful.

I’m not against the education system, but I do believe it needs reform.

Similarly, I’m not against the medical system, but I am against unnecessary intervention, the coercion and bullying that it dishes up too. The birth world especially is known for it.

There are so many parallels I see between them, because ultimately its about the student / patient to conform, make things simple or easy for those in power. And often, not because midwives or teachers want it that way (though there are some!), but because the system is so filled with red tape and tick boxes, that it becomes a conveyor belt. There’s an expectation to conform to protocols, and abide by codes… some of which are very necessary, and others which aren’t. The arbitrary ones are the ones I take issue with.

Standardisation in both systems pushes individual care and support further away, and so, children learn to blend in, figure things out and become ‘good’ in order to get rewards. This then feeds into their adult life… making it easier for systems like the medical one, as well as workspaces etc to expect the same levels of obedience.

It’s incredibly frustrating once you start to see the cracks.

Anyway, for now, I’m moving my thoughts onto paper… going to journal and set intentions for more ease, grace and seamless transitions. I’m grateful to be able to hold myself like this, and proud of how far I’ve come.

With love,

Rohana

I was going to dedicate this post to thoughts about autonomy, birth spaces, education systems and more… but I’ve got a poorly, stuck to me toddler, and honestly no motivation to try and escape when these cuddles are so needed to help him feel safe.

So tonight instead I’m turning to poetry, and I’m going to breathe him in deeply. He’ll never be this small again.

The reality of motherhood.

Change.
Growth.
Stretching.
Pulls.
Push.
Shrink.
Contract.
Slow down.
Bounce back.
Quickly.
Make it count.
Guilt.
Shame.
Blame.
Fear.
Love.
Joy.
Bliss.
Chaos.
Can’t do it.
Don’t have a choice.
Keep going… how?

Because, the reality of motherhood
Is that we will do it all
Again and again
We are tested beyond our wildest means
We are blessed with the most precious gifts.
We protect
We guide
We hold
We heal
And ultimately,
We say
When they’re ready
Goodbye.

The reality of motherhood
Is that there’s nothing quite like it
It’s the hardest
Most wonderful
Rollercoaster ride
Ever
And though I hate rollercoasts
In real life
This one, is pretty damn incredible
To be riding.

I’ll leave it there tonight,

With love, Rohana x

Today has been a beautiful, hard, rollercoaster day that reminded me of just how far I’ve come in the past few years and exactly why I continue to do the work on myself, so I don’t end up back there again.

It’s been a day of cuddles, and after many many reminders and requests to NOT squash my growing belly so much, as well as to not pull, push or pinch me (all of which were of course calls to attention), I eventually got fed up. I had a tangible moment of despair where I could recognise in my body the feeling of being touched out, overwhelmed and anxious all rolled into 1.

Not my idea of fun.

Also, very much a feeling that lived in my body with nearly permanent residence in 2021 when I was growing K.

Ironically, this morning I listened to part of my book and wrote down “birth is a shedding of ourselves… losing parts of who we were, ready for who we will become.” My tangible moment of overwhelm was a shedding… and recognising that means I can move towards releasing it in preparation for the weeks and months ahead.

I’m a Scorpio and my Hogwarts house is Slytherin. As a child, I really wanted a pet snake.

The shedding of old self resonates deeply with me.

As I shed layers, I awaken new aspects of myself… and in this way, am evolving new spaces for the new aspects of me that will come. I have done a lot of that in the past 15 months.

Another thing I’ve done a lot of, and am preparing for even more of is research, cuddles and skin to skin. Its such a commonly spoken about thing now for new babies… prompted as an oxytocin boost, health benefits and a sense of comfort that isn’t available for baby alone.

Today, while K cuddled up to me, he asked for most of the time together with my shirt off  and his off too. So that he could just lay on me and cuddle. Of course this contributed to the squashed belly overwhelm but truthfully it was more the older 2, who still LOVE their cuddles (and I love giving them) who added onto the pile squashing me.

Then, I said “what’s going to happen when baby comes?” They made a plan to take turns, share spaces and also cuddle baby… I’m sure it will be a bit more chaotic than that!

I love listening to their plan thought. It’s like a glimpse into their world and brains, and its fascinating to hear how they rationalise with each other. P and A especially, in a good mood they will do a lot of storytelling and planning.

Skin to skin isn’t just for babies though, I’ve realised more and more as the kids grow up, they still crave that contact and closeness. At night they’ll still tug at my shirt or move to find a different angle, and they always sleep better when they’ve had some kind of close contact. A used to ask to put her feet in my trousers and hands in my shirt to touch my back. It wasn’t always super comfortable but it definitely helped her, and a few minutes of it made the world of difference in calming her down. P, who breastfed until past 3 still tugs at my shirt subconsciously when we cuddle or he chats to me at close quarters.

Skin to skin benefits them.. and it benefits us. I think a bit like extended breastfeeding (which is just normal biological breastfeeding!) it’s got a stigma as they get older… but truthfully it’s no biggie. They get body curious, and ask questions, get comfy and then build security, and like anything, it tapers off.

I think we ask kids to grow up far too young, taking away these comforts, but that is for another day of writing.

For now,

With love, Rohana x

I thought about lots of moments to stop and write today, but once again find myself sat after the kids are asleep… the day goes so quickly, even when we don’t do much at all.

I had no idea what to write, and then, just before he fell asleep, I cuddled P and told him I love him, from the baby who was so small, to now a nearly 7 year old! Time flies.

He said “yes mummy, and I can’t wait for this baby to come out and be like a loaf of bread too” before holding my hand, chatting a bit more and snoring. I love these moments, they remind me that I’m doing alright, even when sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

I had a similar moment with A before she slept. All day she’s been sitting on me and I have to ask her to please not squash my belly, because honestly, though she doesn’t mean it, it’s uncomfortable to be pushed by her little body when there’s no room. She kicked me forgetting about baby, and then realised, so asked if she could talk to my belly. She cuddled and sand, and felt baby move, and every time this happens she gets excited because it’s like they are talking back. Then she fell asleep too… and I thought about how, each one of them touching me somehow, I love them all so much… but where the heck is our smallest addition going to fit?!

I worried with A that I wouldn’t love another human as much as P; because he was my first and I couldn’t imagine it. I worried with K that I wouldn’t have enough arms, and I was right, but we are making it work. Now, I’m pretty sure well just figure things out during the day, but I really don’t know how I’m going to work out the nights. When I spiral, I remind myself that this year I have done 80% of it alone… so if I can figure out 3 alone, we’ll manage the transition to 4 with H around too.

After P said about the loaf of bread, which is something I adopted from my mum telling me how small I was as a baby, he also said we should measure them; so in my head I have a mini photoshoot planned with baby and a loaf of bread! I hope when the time comes I remember to do it; because how absolutely cool it’ll be to get the older kids involved, and do a quick shoot with them. I’ve also got their special shirts I made, but I haven’t got a clue when we’ll manage to do some photos for that yet.

The size of a loaf of bread. I cannot imagine how, from being that small, they have each grown so very much… those days that felt endless, those hours of overwhelm and exhaustion, the exasperation and monotony – it is all a fog. I haven’t forgotten exactly, but it isn’t clear either. It’s a distant memory; one I know I will be reliving (in part) in the next few months, except this time, with a lot more attention to healing and intentionality that before. Preparing for postpartum, preparing for birth, preparing to honour myself and my own transition – not entirely without a village, but also knowing that ultimately, that the village isn’t that rose tinted version I want/would hope for… knowing that the more prepared I am, the easier things will be, and the more I’ll honour my need for rest.

I’m preparing to meet our next loaf of bread baby… making choices that I dreamed about a few years ago; and feeling so much more ready, accepting and excited than ever before.

I’ll share more tomorrow… I’m working on birth plans B and C right now,

With love, xx Rohana