I’m holding my one year old and thinking about how I very rarely have to walk him around for sleep.

Before, when I just had my first baby, I thought I needed to help him sleep all the time, especially when all I would read about wake windows and dropping naps etc was that if he didn’t sleep, I was doing something wrong.

I thought that I needed to hold him and walk him and be with him. I thought if I left him alone, I’d be traumatising him. So I stayed.

I with him, but all that did was stress me out. Of course, he mirrored my stress. I didn’t understand that then, but knowing now about mirror neurons, I can see that those hours where whether or not he was tired, sleep would elude the both of us as my stress levels rose wondering what he hell I’d missed or done wrong to mess up bedtime that day. I spent hours walking him around, holding him awkwardly, both of us crying, and damaging my deeply unhealed postpartum body and spirit as a result.

From the very start my firstborn didn’t love sleep… and now, he only loves it when it’s time to wake up!

I look back and see that I was trying to force him to sleep by rocking and singing and doing all the things instead of just relaxing and being with him. This wasn’t because I enjoyed it, I just felt like it was what I should be doing – it was because I didn’t want to face the feelings of inadequacy that having a baby who doesn’t sleep would bring.

And now, as I hold my nearly one year old, my fourth baby I’m so much more relaxed. I don’t really care when he sleeps, just that he does and that he feels safe until he’s ready, whether that’s with me or more recently with his dad. It’s made such a difference to slowly, the more kids we’ve had, let all those expectations go.

I hope that my youngest baby will be more secure and comfortable, while simultaneously work through the guilt I feel about how much I didn’t know with my first and also feel proud of everything I’ve learned. If I could go back and tell the version of me with just 1 kid anything, it would be to relax, to just fucking relax. Honestly, the amount of time I spent stressed out, worrying that I was doing it wrong, and worrying what other people thought and how I should be, and whether I was doing it the way the book said, and the podcast said, and all the things I must have passed so much stress to him. You don’t know what you don’t know though, so here we are – learning. Undoing the stress of those first few years with gentle persistence and support. I can’t change the past, but I can support him to process it; and show up for where we are now.

So I won’t rock them to sleep. I won’t pace. I won’t force sleep right now. And hopefully by doing that, I am laying the foundations for a calmer association with it all too.

As ever, thanks for reading,

Rohana x

Day 9, I’ve found myself avoiding this for an hour; and I absolutely find myself in a sense of freeze over a areas that are coming up in life. I have been so focused on getting to the next thing, and now, I’ve got a few weeks of limbo, where I can do what I ‘want’ and I am stuck…

The good thing is, though yes I feel stuck in my own personal goals, my chosen response is to throw myself even more deeply into finding spaces of joy with my kids. Previously, I’ve ended up in this pattern and got really frustrated at them, at myself, and at life, and often everyone ends up having a rubbish time. I saw this starting yesterday and for the first time, I’ve really managed to tune in and choose differently. So today has been filled with joy, play, time with friends at the park and cuddles to connect before bed. Tomorrow I have intentions for special time with the boys, and I’ll create a window for A after preschool. I am choosing to connect, because I asked a lot of them this weekend driving for my workshop; and I continue to ask a lot of them as we get ready for our house move.

This doesn’t mean they are doing anything specific or extra, but it does mean that they know moving is happening, they know a sibling will arrive soon after our move, and they know that lots is going to change soon. Except, soon actually feels ages away, because to their brains, time doesn’t really exist yet. So lots is happening, and I’m finding pockets of joy and bliss, helped by the sunshine, as well as moments to affirm that they are loved, safe and wanted. This means when we do have ruptures, I can focus on repair and not wallow in guilt or worry, knowing that actually, we are getting really good at understanding each other, and how we need to work through stuff.

Today I had a chat about the way I’ve taught the kids energy fields; and how the energy we send out, returns to us. A friend and I spoke about how so much of what we teach our kids, especially around conflict resolution, bodily autonomy and for me, leaning in to somatic practices and intuition, is stuff that we didn’t have language for as kids. I know from my own experiences that though I grew up practicing yoga and having an understanding of grounding in my body; it hasn’t been until my 20s with my own kids that I have truly understood what that meant.

This generation though, I hadn’t realised has been nicknamed generation alpha; as the first generation of kids born to the conscious parenting movement, where more and more they are allowed to feel their feelings and figure things out. I actually shut A down the other day, and realised a while afterwards that I’d taken the chance to find her own way through the feelings away. It hasn’t come up again, but when it does, it’ll be something I address with her. I can imagine it was so frustrating for her to hear me say I couldn’t cope with the noise of her crying… which, in the moment was true for me, but nonetheless, a bitter bitter pill for her who needed comfort.

We can’t always get it right though, and I know in the longer run, that moment won’t be the only one I have to hold space for her, so next time will be different.

We do the best we can with the resources we have.

I had more thoughts but that feels like a good space to end for tonight. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading!

With love,

Rohana x