The last few days have been a roller-coaster. I process a lot when I write, and though in the moments of hardship I didn’t want to look for learning, I know that there were/are some, and so in finding them for myself, I want to share, in case any other mum feels the same. If you do, let me know I’m not crazy please – it can be a weirdly lonely road sometimes.
Theo Prana was sick over the weekend and into the start of the week leaving me sleep deprived, and mentally exhausted. I had a couple of meltdown moments and when the offences of screaming and fighting sleep continued, I began to see my child as an enemy. In my crazy haze I had a distinct moment where I fully understood why mothers sometimes just need to walk away. But of course, most of the time we don’t. I didn’t. I held him and we played, and he cried and he boob-fed, he pushed away and crawled back to me, and though there were moments where I felt entirely done, they did pass; because ultimately I made myself remember that as hard as this experience was for me, it was harder for my baby.
My parents were great despite my snapping at them; they took Theo Prana with the best of intentions – to give me a break – but actually I found that it didn’t help me as much as they hoped. Some of the best advice I’ve had since becoming a mum is that “if it hurts your heart, you don’t have to do it.”
I’ll repeat that:
“If it hurts your heart, you don’t have to do it.”
It’s such simple yet profound advice. On the 3rd night of this, my heart screamed at me for letting my son cry out for mummy … I’m not perfect, nobody is, but when I stopped and listened to my heart, I promised myself that I would do better. I felt like I was essentially letting him “cry it out” but instead of a cot, in someone else’s arms. I reminded myself that for this tiny human, I am the only constant, and leaving him in distress was like abandoning him.
I made a resolve the next morning as I rushed to get ready, that I was going to quit my job. I only had 8 days left anyway. I typed away these initial thoughts in my free moments and was number crunching in the others. I took the week off, but I’ve left next week in the air. Why? I think because as much as I hate leaving him, the few hours of solace, even though I’m busy, have allowed me to breathe. The resulting problem is that I feel intellectually stifled; but as my last blog post shows, I’ve resorted to TED talks for some inspiration. Actually, as I got on the bus I googled 12 month sleep regression, because I can’t understand how, even though he’s not well, his sleep has gone so entirely AWOL; the answer, I’ve found is that there is a 12 month, and 18 month and a 24 month sleep regression stage.
Why does nobody tell you this when you’re pregnant? I swear if we actually talked and normalised this shit then maybe mums wouldn’t feel so alone or crazy when it happens. It has left me feeling very frustrated, but now that my little one is a bit better (and has allowed me to sleep a little bit) I am turning that energy into something productive: research.
I have learned a fair amount about sleep regression in the past few days, both from personal experience (though I may be in for much more of this) and from my reading. I’ve linked some useful websites down below under “Resources” but am also going to list a few take-away points.
- “The term ‘sleep regression’ is used to describe the periods of time when your baby who otherwise slept through the night suddenly begins to have uncharacteristically frequent night wakings, and may even have napping issues. ” ~ Kim West
One article I read talked about this as a sleep “progression” not regression because our babies grow and learn more during these times – it doesn’t yet feel like it, but the sentiment is great! Anyway, here are my findings:
- Sleep regression usually means that our babies are reaching milestones, so the neuro-pathways in their brain are being created and reinforced – hence the increased wakings, higher levels of hunger AND grumpiness.
- Babies/toddlers tend to be very clingy in these days/weeks so try to enjoy the cuddles – they won’t last forever.
- You’ve done nothing wrong! – I was blaming myself a lot, trying to figure out what I’d done to make this happen… but really, babies sleep regress, and they get sick.. and sometimes both at the same time – it’s not as abnormal as it feels!
- They are common but not all babies/toddlers go through them, so if friends or family tell you their kids have never done this, don’t pull you’re hair out (tempting as it might be), just smile and nod, and remember that this is normal.
- Let them eat more – and if you’re breastfeeding, I suggest eating more yourself too! It’s exhausting making milk all the time and you need the extra energy so you can keep providing for your little one.
- If you are trying to wean, a few sources I read suggested waiting until after your little one starts sleeping normally again.
- Remember “this too shall pass” and pull in as much support as you can. Sleep will (apparently) come again… the less we fight, the sooner it’ll happen.
- Research suggests avoiding cutting down from 2 naps to 1 at this age because while our babies may fight it, they need the sleep (and so do we!). For us personally this sometimes works and other times doesn’t but we don’t have a real schedule anyway so we’re just going with the flow.
I have already seen that my boy is growing and is more confident as he cruises around so I’m sure the experts are on to something. It’s hard, like many aspects of parenting, and sometimes social media and the internet can make us feel like we are the only ones going through these moments; but both can also be great tools of connection, positive reinforcement and normalisation.
We aren’t alone, we aren’t crazy (mostly), our babies are normal and healthy, and we will sleep again.
Thanks for reading.
Xoxo
R
Resources:
https://sleeplady.com/baby-sleep/sleep-regression-just-a-phase/
https://www.isisonline.org.uk/
http://wellbeingkid.com/handle-babys-12-month-sleep-regression/
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