5 Truly Terrifying Things About Birth in the UK

November 1, 2025November 1, 2025 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

As the theme changes from spooky to sparkles, I am jumping on this trend with a quick note today, because honestly, while everyone sharing their fabulous decorations, costumes, and pumpkins – almost all of which have a HUGE impact on the environment and carry their own horror story, there’s also a 365 day crisis in perintal care that’s far scarier than Halloween.

5 truely spooky things, going on every single day within birth, because the system is build to conveyor belt families from pregnancy through to postpartum as conveniently as possible. This is not because those working in it want to, but because that’s the way policies and systems have been built.

Scary stuff!

So, heres just 5, of the many terrifying things going on in the birth world … all year round.

The lies in antenatal care from professionals in the system – I know I said above that it’s not those working in the system, and most of the time, it isn’t. But the truth is, sometimes it is. Sometimes it is professionals ticking boxes, sometimes it’s disregarding evidence based care, sometimes it’s policy and sometimes it’s someone who’s burnt out and exhausted. But the lies come. And the ripples they create are immense.

Induction rates are incredibly high. When there’s a medical need, induction can be an incredibly useful life-saving tool, and thank goodness for that. However for the majority of women and birthing people induction is often a result of lack of confidence, misinformation, scarmongering and guidance about ‘big babies’ or being ‘overdue’. It isn’t based on the latest evidence and induction – in its various forms – ends up being the first step in a sliding scale of interventions which often perpetuate trauam for all those involved.

Lack of trauma informed, neruodivergent aware, autonomy based care is in part related to the point above: induction. However, it goes well beyond that. A lack of well rounded training and resources means that a majority of healthcare professionals, while well intentioned, often don’t have the correct language or experience to be able to support the different women and birthing people that they are seeing. The lack of neurodiverse not knowledge means that a lot of the time, families are treated in ways that cause more harm, coerce all violate their rates to autonomy. The reality of this is that once again, women, birthing people, partners and the babies involved are coming away from birthing within the system with experiences they need to heal from right at the start of this new journey together.

When we have a lack of support and we feel out of control or in danger. Physiological birth is halted, and our bodies go into shut down. This means that a majority of families are starting their journey together with this new baby, and also having to recover from the experience of pregnancy and birth.

The maternal mortality rate for non white bodies is another incredibly scary aspect of birth in not just the UK but around the Western world. The reality is that biases exist, unconscious ones often doing more harm than we realise. Although most people don’t believe themselves to be racist, these are socialised biases that have informed everything we do, so of course, it is unsurprising that we see them unfold in preintal care too.

Lastly, the bullying, coercion, and violation that women and birthing are experiencing every day. Unfortunately, almost everyone who has been through the system will have an experience where they have been treated in a less than ideal way. However, the scariest part of this is that they leave, and I, myself have done this too, grateful for the fact that they have come out not as damaged as they could be, and that their baby is there, not damaged or as damaged as could have been.

Halloween is one day.
One commercialised day adulterated from ancient traditions.

The crisis in perinatal care is all year round.

If you’re planning a baby or pregnant – get informed. You and your baby deserve better than what is currently happening.

Pregnancy Rituals That Honour Women & Build Community: A Meaningful Alternative to Baby Showers

February 3, 2025 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Pregnancy is one of the most significant transitions in our life, and one that unlike the menarche is still widely celebrated in Western society. It is of course the magical time when a woman grows a tiny human while battling heartburn, swollen feet, and unsolicited belly rubs from strangers, because lets face it, who needs autonomy right?! The way the world is moving, it’s scary! As we move further and further into a time where white supremacy is clinging on and throwing a party for everyone to see, I’m sat at my desk thinking about baby showers, pregnancy and how we’ve (in masses) lost the meaning of rituals at this sacred time. I want to pause, and take a minute to appreciate the pregnancy rituals that actually honor women and foster a sense of community—no smoke bombs or giant pink and blue cakes required.

Traditional Pregnancy Rituals, from around the world

Across cultures worldwide, far beyond my desk in Helensbrugh, babies are born, people live and die and the world keeps spinning. Pregnancy has long been celebrated with rituals focused on nurturing and supporting the mother, rather than just planning the perfect Instagram moment. These traditions emphasize connection, wisdom-sharing, and, dare I say, actual real life support. I think it’s important to say though, there’s a difference between being inspired by these traditions and being appropriative of them, so definitely consider that before you just grab one off the shelf kind of thing.

Here are a few beautiful examples:

Blessingway (Navajo Tradition)

Unlike a baby shower (which is often just a lot of baby grows presents and weird games ), the Blessingway is a sacred Navajo ceremony centered around the mother. Women in her circle gather to offer blessings, share stories, and quite literally wrap her in love and encouragement. Sometimes, they create a beaded necklace, each bead symbolizing a wish for her journey ahead. No awkward “guess the baby food” games—just pure community.

Seemantham (South Indian Ritual)

In South India, Seemantham is a celebration that again focuses on the mother’s well-being. Family members recite prayers, offer gifts meant to bring prosperity, and pamper the mum-to-be with traditional music and massages. It is a pregnancy pause, to honour the work she is doing growing her baby and about making sure she feels cherished and held towards those last few weeks – It’s not about blue or pink balloons!

Arvigo Mayan Abdominal Massage (Mayan Tradition)

This beautiful tradition is not a single event, but rather something that has been passed down through generations to support fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum recovery. It is a practice where women gather to perform gentle abdominal massages, believed to promote a healthy pregnancy and ease labor. Talk about ancestral strengths – I love this.

Pregnancy Cradling (Ghana, Akan Tribe)

In certain Ghanaian traditions (and this holds a soft spot for me because my mum was born in Ghana) a pregnant woman is surrounded by elder women who cradle her belly and chant blessings. This is meant to ensure the safe arrival of the baby and provide emotional and spiritual support. Can you imagine the power of this, as opposed to a tea party or similar where mum-to-be is shattered and overwhelmed in both love and stuff!

There are more, but you get the point. None of these traditions are about ‘stuff’ or performance. They are about community, village, support, all things that are essential in our life and parenting, and yet things that we are deprived off in the society we live in.

These rituals and community make a difference. They start our mothering journey off in a space of sacredness and wisdom; when the wise women gather in love and joy to celebrate, it is a passing down of power and magick. Yes it sounds witchy, because it is! It so beautifully is.

I’m running pregnancy yoga classes now in Helensburgh and this is what I want to share with the gorgeous mamas coming to stretch and connect with their babies; the rituals and relationships we forge that sustain us are so much more essential that capitalist systems want us to believe. I haven’t decided if I will yet, but I’m feeling really drawn to doing a ceremony at the end of this block of classes. Inspired by, but not imitating the traditions from around the world, I’d make my own mothers blessing ceremony, because though yes the wisdom is celebrated in different ways, ultimately there is an innate wisdom within all of us. Our ancestors birthed us, and we birth the future. We are the ancestors of our great great grandchildren, and honouring that feels incredibly special.

That’s it for tonight, thanks so much for reading,

with love, Rohana x

The Healing Power of Postpartum Rest in Traditional Chinese Medicine

January 4, 2025January 7, 2025 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

When I first learned about how in Chinese medicine birth is seen as a depleting life event, it felt contradictory to everything I’d ever read birth was “supposed” to be.

Surely having a baby was a rich, life giving event that left you full and feeling blessed and whole right? But no, in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) birth is an event that requires a lot of jing, and depletes the qi and blood within the body. It puts pressure on the kidneys and takes the warmth out of a woman’s body, so where she was full of the warmth of an extra life, with extra blood and vital energy through her pregnancy, the energy is used in labour and by the time baby is earthside, her body is emptier and depleted. Essentially what I learned was, yes having a baby is a beautiful life event, and it requires massive amounts of life force energy. Both things can be simultaneously true.

By this point I’d had 3 babies already, and I hadn’t respected the sacredness of postpartum any of those times. In fact, with my 2nd, I was up and out in the Scottish December cold just 3 days after she was born. With my summer babies, I didn’t rest either, and I indulged in ice creams and cold drinks, not understanding the impact letting more cold into my body would have.

From this experience then, and from work with women in the past few years, I have really leaned into the wisdom of traditional Chinese medicine, and deeply respect the many cultures that prioritise a rest period postpartum, where women can rest, rebuild their stores of warmth and qi, and honour their recovery from birth while bonding with their babies.

In Chinese Medicine, there is a 40 day period of recovery. These 40 days are essential for warmth, healing, and vitality, and the wisdom of it says that if a woman lets cold into her body, through food or exposure, in these first 40 days, the result will likely be an impact (negatively) on her mental health down the line. Of course, postpartum depression, anxiety and other mental health struggles are not solely related to the first 40 days, and we can absolutely see there are elements of privilege and resources that impact families too, but the idea that we could radically influence that first year within the first 40 days is fascinating to me.

Learning this revolutionised the way I taught postpartum doula-ing, it changed the way I would offer support postpartum, and when it came to having my 4th baby, it radically impacted the way I planned my own resting period.

I didn’t manage 40 days indoors – I’ve got 3 older kids so that was always going to be stretch; but I did give myself 12. I prepped warm foods, accepted food from friends, asked my mum to come visit and mother me in my own newness again, and strictly stayed away from cold foods, drinks, and winds. It wasn’t perfect, but it was my own adapted honouring of the learnings TCM has given me.

You know that saying, if its worth doing, it’s worth half arsing? Or done is better than prefect? This was my approach. I knew following the teachings of TCM would be beneficial, and whether that was doing it at 90% or doing it at 15%, I would gain warmth and energy to keep up with my older kiddos in the long run.

7 months later, I can see and feel the gift of those slow weeks, and it influences the way I show up even more to support others. Prepping for postpartum with a lens of ancient traditions is something I think more families should have access to. A slow, warm, hygge filled postpartum, with nourishing foods and a support bubble that shows up for you, with no need to mask or entertain or host them, is what I wish I could give every new mother no-matter how many children she has. It is through this rest and healing that we start parenting not in burnout or depleted and traumatised, but full of life and feeling supported. Imagine a whole generation raised by families who aren’t in their survival responses – what a change that will make on the world! This is the impact of TCM (and other ancient wisdoms)… if we learn and listen.

With love, thanks for reading,

Rohana x

Where You Birth Matters

November 12, 2024November 12, 2024 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The way a baby is born impacts them on some level for their whole life.

The way they are born. The people around them. The environment they enter this world into.

Baby’s born into war carry that, (if they survive) into the life they live and it physically alters the DNA of their decendants. This has been heavily weighing on my mind this week, as we watch the events in the middle East unfold- with little to no voice given to the reality birthing women and babies are facing.

Baby’s born into immense privilege carry it too… though not always in the ways we might assume. Privilege often equates to a certain amount of resources over and above others. In the birth world, it’s a little more nuanced than that.

Assuming that you’re birthing outside of a war zone then; what impact does the environment of birth really have? It matters deeply, not just for babies but for mothers and partners too.

We cannot prepare for the future without embracing the meaning and the relevance of the baby’s perspective on life.

-Michel Odent

We know that mothers birthing in supported environments where they feel safe and nurtured pass this information on to their babies. The same is true for mothers who birth in conditions of big T and little t trauma. From hospitals to birthing centers to home births, the space you birth will shape everything from the medical interventions used to the emotional atmosphere surrounding your birth. After numerous conversations about why thinking about this as early on as possible matters, I thought I’d write a little on it.

Choosing where to give birth is a deeply personal decision. The assumption that everyone has the information and resources to choose the way they want is one I just cannot make. Socio-economic factors come into play, race, ethnicity and culture too. In the UK (at least at the time of writing in 2024), you can legally choose where you birth, and that choice can absolutely impact the way your birth story plays out.

Ultimately, its your choice, so get informed! There are far too many women told they can only birth in hospital when truly they do have other options. Equally, if the idea of birthing anywhere outside a hospital gives you shudders, then planning that ahead matters.

I want to preface the next few passages by highlighting that ultimately I believe every single baby comes earthside in the way they need to, with their unique birth resourcing them in various ways.

What are your options?

Hospital, Birth Centre, Home. I won’t chat freebirth, that’s for another day.

Hospitals are the high tech options, sold to us as high safety, but also the space where the highest levels of birth trauma exist. Hopstials are supposed to be safe – and when they work, they are a blessing. More and more though, especially for women who have no or low ‘risk’ factors the hosptial birth story isn’t a happy one.

Hospitals represent the standard choice for childbirth, they are normalised in the media we consume right from childhood, and other spaces are considered ‘alternative’ or even a little radical. There are an array of medical interventions and expertise available, with health care professionals and a full range of technology on hand to monitor baby and mother throughout labour. There’s access to all sorts of interventions and pain relief options, and of course surgery.

While a cesarean birth can be lifesaving; for many of us in the birth world, we can see that it is the interventions prior that snowballed a healthy birth into an emergency. The conveyor belt system of induction and cesarean births is all a bit too neatly boxed up; and it takes away from the rite of passage birth physiologically is.

Hospital births are often a ticket to the trauma train because procedure trumps real life experience, and women are often gaslit, ignored, or violated. Circling back to babies, this also means babies are being ignored, assaulted and sent the information that the world is scary and unsafe.

Birth is nearly never an emergency, but sometimes it is. If you need to prioritise safety with medical resources, then a hospital birth is a blessing.

If you don’t… Read on.

A birth centre/midwife unit:

Birth centres are often described as kind of like the middle ground between hospital and home. They’re quieter, often offer a pool, can have the lights dimmed and try to be as warm and cosy as possible. Most birth centers will try to encourage birth to be as intervention free as possible, and I’ve heard of some beautiful birth stories with supportive staff in them.

However, with the ever increasing agenda to streamline birth (and yes this is the agenda), more birth centres are being closed or told they can’t operate fully because of staffing levels. Midwife units cannot support birthing women if they aren’t supported themselves; which means being able to access these is getting harder. Added to this is the fact most of them are for babies being born physiologically with little / no risk, and will turn away women who don’t their box.

This isn’t without reason, birth centres aren’t equipped to navigate emergencies or complications, and so err on the slide of caution. Birth centres can be some of the most beautiful, supportive and nurturing spaces, and midwives often go above and beyond to make them so… but they need to be given the resources for that to happen.

Home births:

For a healthy woman, the first intervention in birth and labour is leaving home. This is something I learned only after my 2nd child, and having had both hospital and home births myself, it is something I wholly believe to be true. As a woman, I know my homebirths were far more positive than my hospital ones, and I only got here through research and experience.

As a doula who wholeheartedly supports informed choices, I will never tell a potential client where to birth, but I will absolutely encourage you to really think about what that means to you.

Homebirths are growing in popularity, becoming something many mothers return to. I don’t see this as a a coincidence, it is a remembering. A remembering that sovereign birth is something we all have the right to. A return to reclaim the power of birth. Homebirths are in the comfort of your own space, so autonomy comes more naturally. You aren’t entering someone else’s space, they are visiting yours as a support system for you.

You can choose the environment, the lights the music etc, and if you decide you want to transfer, then that’s okay. It’s a choice you make. For first time mothers, there’s evidence to say that home births are far less traumatic, bonding feels easier and healing is quicker. Because in your space, generally speaking you feel safer, therefore all these processes don’t need to be big and hard, they can flow with ease. You can take breaks, chill out, zone out, and rest without interruption or inspection. There’s a reason mammals find/create dark quiet spaces for birthing, it is a primal instinct to do so. Humans like to think we are different, but hardly so.

Before I sign off, I have a question for you. Did you birth in more than one of these settings? What were your experiences of thr difference ? If you feel called to and safe to share, get in touch. I’d be honoured to hear from you.

With love, until next time,

Rohana x

Why I became a birth photographer?

October 14, 2024October 21, 2024 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

When I had my first child over 7 years ago, I had never heard of birth photography. I had the idea that I wanted to see my baby being born, and I asked if I could have a camera set up. I didn’t really understand why I wanted to, all I knew was it felt deeply important to me.

The hospital I was birthing at said no. I didn’t argue. I didn’t know how.

That birth, my first child, was traumatic in a number of ways and I’ve worked hard to heal my memories surrounding it. Still, I wish I had photos of it. I wish I could see the woman I was in those moments.

Alas, I cannot.

But I learned my lesson. When I fell pregnant again, I spoke to my partner about wanting to hire a photographer, and so we did.

I looked for a local photographer because at that time, nearly 5 years ago, birth photography wasn’t as popular as it is today. We found one who I trusted and got on with, and she agreed to venture out of her normal photography niche and capture my birth. Those photos are some of the most profound ones I have from that time. Unfortunately, my daughter was ready before anyone else, and the moment I craved capture of, was missed.

Still, having the details like the song she was born to, the pictures of me holding her as I stood up, blood dripped down my legs, cord still attached. They are frozen in time, ready to transport me back. They are a gift from my past self, and they are a gift to my future self too. Moments I have to hold forever.

When I got those images I knew that I wanted to give this to other families. I wanted to capture the rawness of these moments, and the intimacy of saying hello for the first time.

We say that you never forget the birth of your baby, and yes in part it’s true. But memories do fade. Time robs us of details. The haze of motherhood buries the deeply vulnerable early hours postpartum.

Documenting them feels like being able to save a sliver of one of life’s most powerful periods. Giving that to others is a privilege and honour.

When I had my 3rd baby, I hired another birth photographer. We planned a homebirth but ended up freebirthing. She documented the minutes I worried I wouldn’t be able to birth my baby, and she captured the moment where he was between worlds, head here, body not yet earthside, me, a portal.

In the months afterwards where I felt like I was drowning, the photographs she gave us reminded me that I could do the hardest things and survive.

Birth photography isn’t a trend, or just a photo to post on Instagram. It’s powerful, and healing far beyond what we may realise at the time.

Would I recommend it? A big YES! Not only because I do it, but because so many women I’ve spoken to have said, nomatter how their births have gone, they would have loved more images. Those who have them, treasure them deeply.

Baby’s are only born once after all, and no two births are the same.

With love,

Rohana x

Day 2

April 10, 2024 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’m back. Today I did a yoga practice, took the kids to the park, and have spent the last couple of hours working on sublimation t-shirt prints that I am making to fundraise for Gaza. It’s been a good day and I am exhausted in a joyful way.

The eclipse yesterday sparked a few conversations which felt authentic from a home ed point of view, and today things have felt calmer. The wind was strong but the sun came out and my kids played for hours outside. Then we came home and they played here, before tuning in to a new programme so I could rest. My body, at 31 weeks of growing another human, has reminded me today, that I am not actually capable of as much as I used to be. My body, in it’s wisdom, asking me to honour the need for a slower pace, and to rest; because it knows, as changes come, rest will look very different soon.

Tonight I’m thinking about rest, and about yoga, breathwork, and Palestine. I am thinking about how my body, growing our baby dragon is able to ask for rest, to ask for nourishment, to be held safely. I am privileged, and as in every pregnancy, acutely aware of it. This time, far more resourced, far more ready, and far more willing to listen; while also being aware that women, just like me in many ways, are carrying babies through stress, heartbreak, displacement, famine, and phycological warfare as well as genocide. I have learned, more deeply in these past months than ever before; how to hold solidarity in my body, bare witness and look away when needed, coming back, and trying to create ripples of healing.

The past 6 months I have delved into learning more deeply about pregnancy, our experiences in the womb and how we are in fact so much more aware and impacted even before life earthside begins; and as I have learned, I have grown in my knowledge, and in my belly; and in my capacity to practice compassion while NOT jumping into overwhelm. I have tried to protect my baby from the stress, while not disappearing into a bubble (a previous, very effective strategy of mine).

As I type, I think of the women who don’t have the choices I do; who are birthing to the sound of drones, who are carrying through loss and change more tumultuous than I can cognitively comprehend; and I feel a sense of understanding… I know in my bones, from lives before this one, that these experiences will not break them; because the resilience passed on is just as strong as the trauma. I have a sense of real solidarity, compassion and also rage. I am burning… and that fire has led to these t-shirts that sit before me; a way for me to fundraise a little, a way for me to contribute more than contaminate. That fire has led to something bigger too; a project I worked on for weeks, pulling in different people to help, and creating resources. Small, and still, ripples… ripples that I can see and ripples that I can’t.

I hope that this baby feels those ripples; the burning inside me, to do more and also to honour rest. It isn’t something I have gifted my other babies, already earthside teaching me daily. I didn’t know how to then; but now, I am doing what I can, with different tools in my toolbox… I can feel them wriggling inside me, dancing in my belly (and making me need a wee!); and I am beyond grateful for the lessons.

Until tomorrow,

With love,

Rohana x

My Birth Story: Ila-Rae

December 30, 2019August 4, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

4 weeks on from welcoming my daughter into the world, I am finally ready to share our story. It’s taken me this long to write because life has been a perfect blend of chaos and love and I haven’t wanted to miss out in daylight hours. But before we begin 2020, I want to share one of my biggest and most incredible 2019 moments: birth.

Ila-Rae decided exactly 1 week early that she was ready to come earthside and so was born in the first week of December. Throughout the last trimester of my pregnancy, I had said that I didn’t mind, and in fact wanted to carry her over our due date because I enjoyed being pregnant. However, the night before her arrival, I was very ready to no longer be pregnant: I was tired, heavy and sore. I wanted to be able to play with and run after Theo Prana (now 29 months) without the constraints of my giant belly. That night Theo was sick, he ran a temperature and at 1am cried and cried that his throat hurt. He wanted the telly so we left H in bed and I took him downstairs for the dragon movie (How to Train Your Dragon) hoping I’d manage some sleep. We never watched the film, he snuggled up and fell asleep again quickly, waking frequently for reassurance that mummy was there with him. I was exhausted.

Baby girl must have known growing her was taking its toll, the next morning I went to the toilet and realised I’d had a ‘show’. My real contractions started around an hour later (8am) and slowly got worse through the day. H had his usual lie in while I played with Theo and we had a spinach omelette breakfast. The morning was calm enough, I did the washing, sorted out some house bits; the labour pains were becoming more obvious and I knew that this was it, but we’d had a few false alarms in the 2 weeks previously so I kept quiet. Played with Theo, snacked, sang, danced, cuddled and breastfed. Theo was extra attached to me, possibly because he’d been unwell, or possibly because he knew we were maybe getting close to our new arrival.

H came down mid-morning and he asked if everything was okay. I told him that this could be another false alarm, pains were not frequent enough to tell. At some point, he left me and Theo so he could buy a new computer game, which later he joked he’d never get to play since baby was coming: I laughed and somehow as silly as this may seem, it is significant memory of the early stages of my labour. I’d also very last minute ordered a bump cast kit. It arrived that afternoon.

At 2pm we took Theo to the GP to check on his throat. By this point my contractions were frequent enough to know we should time them, but still irregular. Priority was having my son checked, and making sure he was alright. Once he was given the all clear: we went home and immediately my contractions intensified. I had mentally given my body permission to keep going because I knew that Theo was okay. I think if we’d been told he had an infection, labour would have stalled.

Harrison got everything ready for the bump cast. I took Theo upstairs and we played with blocks and he fed and cuddled me. I told him baby would be arriving soon, and mummy’s body was getting ready to have his sister come to live outside of my belly. I contacted my friend who’d offered to have Theo while we went to hospital, and the photographer I’d hired. They both knew it was going to happen in the next 12-24 hours. I watched my son and cried knowing it was my last day with only him as my baby. Our relationship has become so sacred to me, I was scared beyond measure that I was going to ruin it by bringing a baby home; I mourned the fact he was suddenly going to be so grown up.

We put the Teletubies on for Theo while Harrison cast over my bump. I lay down letting it set and my contractions got stronger. It was lying on my kitchen floor breathing and moaning through the pain that I understood the sensuality of labour, and how it could be, in its own way, orgasmic. I breathed heavily, closed my eyes and let the wave-like feeling build and then drop off, it was magical.

I asked Harrison to take the cast off and after getting cleaned up, began to make dinner. The boys ate wraps but I just wanted to be sick. I’d already taken an anti-sickness tablet so I tried to eat though I didn’t manage much, instead a bounced on the birth ball. The nausea reminded me of Theo’s labour, except this time I was better prepared. While we ate, we made sure everything was packed and got Theo ready for his sleepover. My 4th night away from him, ever. I walked him to our friends house and he was off, didn’t even say goodbye. He happily went off to play and though he struggled to sleep, he did a lot better than I thought he would. I am truly grateful that he stayed with them, because I could relax and focus on myself and baby, knowing he was safe and well cared for.

Music on, we set off for hospital in Paisley. I texted our photographer and told her we were leaving: she said she’d meet us there after a while.

We arrived at 8pm. I said not to bother bringing in our bags in case we were told that I wasn’t far enough along to admit. H wanted to bring them but didn’t argue, and so came out for them again about half an hour later. We saw a midwife who did the initial triage, and then were left to our own devices for a while. I was sick from the pain of contractions and asked for an antiemetic injection but it only arrived after Ila-Rae was born.

Another midwife Emily introduced herself and brought us some toast and tea. She wanted to examine me but suggested we wait until I was more ready. She encouraged me to breathe through contractions, relax my body and blow the pain away. After a while she suggested it again because the contractions were making me visibly more uncomfortable: I agreed to have a vaginal exam in 15 minutes – we ended up waiting 35 and when she examined me, I was 5cm dilated. Though painful, it was exactly the news I had wanted: active labour meant I’d be admitted into the CMU (maternity unit) and could move to a labour room. It was around 9.30pm.

Just before we moved to the labour room, Louise arrived (our photographer) and got straight to work. She encouraged me and got on well with the midwives straight away. The night shift had started so Emma, a new midwife introduced herself. This made me uncomfortable because I had, in a short time built a rapport with Emily. Both women however, were exceptional.

The bath had been run at my request and I got straight in. I was still talking and joking between contractions though slowly began to withdraw. Emma made me feel like a person: she sat with me and encouraged me, she never requested I move out of a comfort zone and examined me without making me uncomfortable. At one point, when Harrison and Louise were both in the main room away from me, Emma sat near me and asked me about my hair: it was in 2 french braids for convenience and we briefly discussed how it is often much more comfortable to have hair out the way in labour but that it isn’t something many people advise pregnant women on. It was a simple conversation, but it made me feel like a human being not just a labouring mum.

I cannot remember full details about each contraction, but I remember getting quieter, more tired, withdrawing into myself, and connecting with the wilder, primal parts of me: I moaned, I cried, I breathed slowly and deeply. I was aware of my music, and grateful that the midwives had gone through my birth plan. Emma was at one point my advocate to tell Harrison and Louise to be quiet or leave the room.

As things got further along (though I had no real care or idea of the time), Emma asked about pushing, and we spoke about the fetal ejection reflex; she knew that I wanted to let my body take over, so she asked that when I felt my body begin to push or want to, that I let her know. She also told me that the birthe pool was being cleaned and then I’d be able to transfer to there soon. I was still in the bath and H poured water over my back and reminded me to relax my body through contractions. He sang to my music in between. In between the contractions I rested, eyes closed, not quite sleeping. I remember thinking they wouldn’t move me to the pool before baby.

My body began to push, I told Emma and she encouraged me. She again said we’d move soon but I knew we wouldn’t. I couldn’t talk, the next contraction came and Harrison told me how well I was doing “just a bit more” … but I felt like I couldn’t cope. I moved from my kneeling position to a half kneel, half squat and said I couldn’t do it anymore, I wanted to ask for pain relief, but had no time. I was pushing involuntarily and my body took over.

Pushing my daughter out was hard, birth it, but it was an incredibly powerful feeling.

Emma said as I pushed that my waters had gone, but I knew it was my baby; I couldn’t talk, just pushed and moaned. Then I heard “no that’s the baby!” and Emma had tried to catch her but I reached out and pulled her through my legs and she was on me. It was bliss.

We were ushered out the bath fairly quickly due to my history of blood loss and the fact we needed a managed placenta delivery. On the bed, I had skin to skin and Ila-Rae latched onto my breast. We delivered my placenta and the midwives checked for any tears etc – absolutely none. I threw up again, and then my antiemetic finally arrived.

Skin to skin, quiet time, we were able to bond and relax. Ila’s newborn check and weight wasn’t done for over 2 hours, we were brought toast but I couldn’t stomach any of it. I still felt sick. I was happy to just let her feed and watch her, resting in small spouts.

We moved to the recovery wing and then sadly Harrison was sent home (3.30am); this was the only tainting experience of our labour and birth, because he was so upset and really I didn’t want him to leave. But we didn’t argue, he went home and I nursed and slept. I held Ila almost all night, something that was entirely impossible with Theo because I could hardly stay awake after his birth.

In the morning I spoke to Harrison and he brought Theo to pick us up. Theo wasn’t sure at first, more interested in his milkshake than his sister but that soon changed when I said he could hold her. My beautiful boy told her he loved her without being asked to, he said hello beautiful and he cuddled her on the bed. It is a moment I will cherish always.

And there ends my birth story.

My postpartum experience has been entirely different to the first time round. I am of course tired, and there are many hard moments, but I’ll share those bits later. I am starting 2020 as a mum of 2 beautiful babies, feeling empowered by my birth and excited by it too. I hope that this year I can start my journey into birth-work, and after this experience, I hope I can empower other women, whatever their choices are or situation may be, to feel as in control and trusting as I did in the birth room.