From April to August; An Unplanned Break from Blogging

August 30, 2019July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

My son is currently asleep for his daily nap and I have a To-Do List as long as my arm but today, after months away, I wanted to blog. I have thought so much about why I stopped, why I lost it on my list of priorities and how I miss typing away and sharing my life.

I lost touch with a lot of things over the last few months, adjusting to life with Harrison home, falling pregnant and facing the parenting struggles (and adventures) that come with having a 2 year old. The days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, where I chose to watch useless television or even worse, scroll my Facebook and Instagram feeds, pretending that it was a good use of my time! How easy it is to get sucked into wasting precious minutes mindlessly on these apps. I love the ability to share and connect, but not the ease with which we are trapped into staying on the platform longer and longer.

Turning off my phone, or at least my internet recently has helped, maybe that is why I have found my way back to the keyboard. Or perhaps it was the gentle push from my mother this weekend, reminding me that writing has been a great way to care for myself, express and evaluate, let go of emotions and heal from experiences. If I want to express myself, share my life constructively, and unpack the emotional backpack I am carrying, writing is a much better idea that Facebook scrolling isn’t it? So here we are, hopefully this time for a long time.

I won’t attempt to relieve all that has gone on since April, but I will fill in all the important bits, at least the big ones; like my little brother moving to Australia, my best friend in Scotland moving away for a year, and TP losing his best buddy (her daughter). My anxiety over TPs birth trauma made an appearance (which I am slowly trying to heal) while we were on our first ever family holiday, and we have had members of both sides of the family come to visit. TPs speech is incredible now, and I learned that even in Scotland, a paddling pool or variation of one is an asset on the hot days. H bought a bike and is using it, and I am driving around a lot more comfortable, albeit locally. We have also begun to really enjoy cooking from scratch and learning how to love the kitchen. The rest, well it’s history, but the future is still waiting, holding stories and laughter and love for us to share.

You might have also caught that I am pregnant – yep! – 25 weeks currently, and a big part of the reason I stopped writing. There were a few weeks in the first trimester I walked around permanently holding either a sick bowl or bag, and crying because I wasn’t able to do much else. But it passed, after a lot of trial and error I found a couple of pregnancy sickness tricks to keep it at bay (another post about this will come) and finally we are over it (mostly!).

Apart from that tiny detail, my first born, Theo Prana turned 2 this July, making me officially the mum of a wild toddler who is the biggest light in my life but also makes me want to curl up under the blanket with a tub of ice-cream and hide. Nobody can prepare you for parenthood and each stage has its challenges, but toddlerhood is by far the most testing. That said, we are working on finding the balance, and thankfully H is very on board with a lot of the peaceful parenting ideas I propose, so we are a team rather than giving TP mixed signals by being confused ourselves.

We also started cloth nappies, and reusable wipes, and as a family (sometimes actually led more by H than myself) trying to cut down our plastic consumption and be less wasteful. This has been an amazing development for us because we both feel like as TP gets older and understands more, we want him to know we did our best for the planet, and we didn’t stay ignorant. It is hard, sometimes we forget, sometimes even though we remember, we cannot afford the ‘planet friendly’ options, but every little bit we do makes a difference in the big picture, like the butterfly who’s wings flapping could be felt across the earth, each step we make, is a step forward.

Oh and lastly, we are moving house! Still a little while to go, so I won’t share much on it yet, but I guess that is also kind of a big reason I have felt like life is so busy, because we have had a few really major things to adjust to. All good thankfully and I am so grateful for that.

Until the next time,

XOXO

A Childhood Memory

April 5, 2019July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Recently a friend asked me to think back to one childhood memory that stood out. No thinking, just do it.

I urge you try.

What did you come up with?

Was it something Happy? Exciting? Sad? Angry? Shameful?

My memory was a happy one, one that brought a smile to my lips. This was actually the reason my friend had asked to me to think back, to remind me that even though life seems hard sometimes, overall, my life has been pretty damn amazing.

It got me thinking about how much our childhood influences the way we raise our children. If you had a perfectly happy childhood, you try and replicate the same for your kids. Similarly, studies suggest that people who were raised in unhappy households tend to pass on this cycle to their children. Most of us are somewhere in the middle, with good bits and bad bits; with the hope that the good outweighs the bad, the happiness is prominent than the sadness.

But, as Alfie Kohn points out:

To get better at the craft of raising children, we need to be open to seeing what’s unpleasant in order to evaluate what our parents did right and where we might be able to improve on their approach.

We learn from the way we were parented and pass it on, or we take what we have learned and adapt it.

My memory was catching butterflies. This is what I wrote when I thought about it:

We are walking around a field of sorts, it is not green, rather yellow-ish because of the warmth. It’s the 4 of us, with Sid and I holding nets and jars, I think they are empty at the moment; we are looking for butterflies. It’s a family outing. I remember feeling happy.

Next thing I remember is the fascination of watching a butterfly, inside the jar we have, the one that is meant to be especially designed for them – now that I am older, I highly doubt this, but I remember believing it. The butterfly is sitting on a twig or something we have but inside the jar, it is colourful and beautiful. We admire it, and then let it go. it flies away and we keep walking.

This is one of my favourite memories, and I am sure it has very little to do with the butterflies and a lot to do with the fact it was a family trip. We did a lot of them and even though I know we squabbled, and were hungry or tired or both, I don’t remember those bits. The bits that stick are the feelings of warmth, of excitement and of joy; they are the kind of thing I want to pass on to my child. We learn from our parents and we better our own parenting from them; I’m pretty sure if we do that, then generations get better and we raise good people to keep the world running.

Thanks for reading,

Xoxo

Hello April

April 2, 2019July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Somehow we are now in the 4th month of 2019 and it is flying! March was an extremely busy month for us, with lots of highs and some lows too.

Harrison got back home in the first couple of weeks so we have been readjusting to life as a family of 3 again, while working around his shifts and terrible sleep pattern. Theo Prana absolutely adores his Daddy though and they are building a strong bond; one I hope we can foster as time goes on, so Theo knows that his dad is just as much of a parent as Mummy is. It’s been us 2 for a long time, on and off but on our own regardless, so this transition has been a long time coming.

Apart from bringing H back, March brought us lots of play-time, puddles and towards the end a little bit of better weather; a new car (which was much needed) and some driving lessons for me so I will be back on the road soon! I finished my photography course and started a new yoga one, we all went on a 4 day flying visit to see my in-laws and booked holidays for the next couple of months too!

We ended the month on Mothers Day which was lovely, and I was really looking forward to H’s birthday on the 1st (not a April fools joke, I promise!). Alas, I ended up with a sickness bug so spent all day feeling utterly rubbish after a night of D&V – the worst 24 hours I’ve had in a few months!

That said, this month is going to bring amazing things – I can feel it. I would love to say I’ll commit to more blog posts, but I know that I am doing the best I can so for now, I’ll be content with that. I have friends visiting next week and the week after, a week down in Norfolk after Easter and most importantly, a toddler who day-in-day-out brings extreme joy. He is talking more, and I am understanding what he wants. He is incredibly strong-willed, which isn’t much of a surprise really, but definitely means I have moments where I want to melt down with him, but then he will kiss me, or hug me or stroke my arm and its worth every single hard moment.

As he grows bigger, I try to take more photos, be in more photos and live away from my phone/camera (contradictory but effective). I do have days where I wish I could be more than mum, but being mum brings such incredible fulfilment that I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

April is going to bring blessings, I am not sure what kind or when, but I am waiting, watching and listening for them. I hope you are too.

XOXO

Dear Mummy, on days parenting feels like a chore, remember this:

March 17, 2019June 3, 2023 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Dear Mummy,

I can’t tell you yet, but I see how hard you are working. Some things I won’t understand for a long time, but I do understand that keeping me alive, healthy and happy is a tough job, so thank you.

I love you too.

Some days are fantastic, some days are long, some days are happy and some days are sad. We have many different types of days together, but the work you do and love you give remains the same: thank you.

Dear Mummy, thank you for all the things you do that get unnoticed.

Thank you for keeping me safe at night, for cuddling me and for kindly waking me up in morning, for helping me changed to get ready for the day. Thank you for letting me choose my trousers, and the colour of my shirt. I like choosing my clothes for the day.

Thank you for feeding me breakfast, and understanding that maybe it is because I had a lot of dinner so I am not very hungry this morning. I know I seem difficult when I turn away from the food, but it’s only because I don’t know how else to tell you I’m full. Thank you for not forcing me to eat at mealtimes.

Thank you for taking the extra time so I can explore as we walk wherever we are going to. I like learning when we are outside.

Thank you for holding me while I nap. I know I am safe in your arms and lying next to you. Thank you for the cuddles when I wake up scared too.

Thank you for hugging me.

Thank you for playing with me

Thank you for reading to me.

Thank you for making bathtime and dinner fun.

Thank you for taking care of me even when your sick.

Thank you for looking after me when I am sick.

Thank you for being in my corner always.

Thank you mum…for everything.

I love you.

Mummy

February 22, 2019July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

For all parents, our kids first words are special. For first time parents, I think it is even more so. We often can’t wait for our babies to reach milestones and speech is one of the big ones!

I remember being pregnant and hearing a lady say that every time her wee grandson called her “granny” it made heart melt; for her, there was no purer joy. At the time, I thought it was very sweet, but I didn’t really understand.

Recently, my baby boy has found his voice and become extremely confident using it. He’s getting better and better at communicating and its incredible to see him change daily now. I don’t always understand what he says, or what he wants, but if I just stop, listen and watch, and actually breathe in the moments he is sharing with me, it is magical.

He’ll often say ‘mama mama’ as he plays with his toys; not calling me, just to himself. He’ll say “maymee” if he is talking on a pretend phonecall, or ‘toe tee tooo” if he counts 1,2,3. He has his own language entirely and understands more than I will ever realise. It is fascinating to watch. In the morning, he’ll babble or recently he requests to see Daddy’s video* to him on my phone; then we’ll play before getting out of bed.

The newest word to his collection is “mummy”. Perfectly pronounced so it actually does sound the way it should. He says it often softly, when he needs me, or when he brings me a book to read to him. He also shouts it, especially when there is a lot going on, he wants to make sure he is heard. As he becomes more assertive, he’s started telling me “no, mummy no” when he doesn’t like something or feels I have done something unfair.

It is by no means easy, but it does feel special. I am mummy, with the superpower of making things better, the person to be mad at, the person to cry to, the person for food, drink, entertainment and comfort. Yet even when its exhausting, when he’s called constantly me and tantrumed all day, when he’s been attached to my hip and nursed non-stop, being mummy is beautiful.

Now, I understand what that lady meant when she spoke of the joy it brought her because now, I feel that joy every time my son asks for his mummy.

* Daddy is away currently but I have a video of him telling Theo that he loves him and is very excited to see him soon. A month ago, Theo would get angry and upset seeing it, so we didn’t watch it, but recently he’s been saying “dada” and “daddy” more, and he loves watching the video! I wouldn’t often advocate screen time before even getting out of bed, but right now, this is the best thing for us and it makes for a happier day.

Life lately

February 16, 2019July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

We are already in the middle February and I swear yesterday it was the beginning of summer 2018 – Where has the time gone?!

Since I haven’t kept up to date here much, this week I wanted to update you on my life lately; and the rollercoaster it has been. I finally feel like I am settling down again, and am getting comfortable in my home, the home that I have changed drastically in the last month. But that’s getting ahead of myself; for a proper update, I need to actually backtrack briefly to the end of last summer…

Summer really did fly by, I picked up my camera and I started falling in love with photography again. It spurred my series of Fortnightly Photos that I posted here, though keeping them fortnightly towards the end proved harder than I had hoped. I have stopped that project now for a while, but have by no means put down the camera. As my joy with photography set off, I decided to offer it professionally – outdoor family/children’s portrait photography mostly, but I have been studying and learning about working within studio settings too, as well as abstract photography, travel and much more. I am not busy within this small business, but I love it, and I know that if it is meant to be, then clients will come. As long as I can provide the service with a genuine love for capturing people, then I will be happy to continue.

While doing this, I continued my online studying and by Christmas I had qualified with Warrior’s at Ease as a Level 1 Trauma Sensitive Yoga teacher to work within military communities. It is something I am extremely excited about offering in the near future but I am not quite there yet.

Moving back to Scotland, permanently this time was exciting and difficult. There was a lot of learning for H and I because we needed to find a balance between work, parenting, our marriage and having our own down time. There were many great moments and many fights, we aren’t perfect but after being apart so long, we both knew it would be hard work. Now, he’s on patrol, and won’t be back for some weeks yet, so we will have to go backwards a bit, and get used to life together again.

We knew he was going, so I went home to my parents for Christmas and he went off to find Nemo!

Then the fun bit came… we went to a family wedding in Jakarta.

35 hours on 3 different flights, my parents, brother, cousin and 17 month old son made the trip. Poor Theo (my son) has been on more flights in his life than I think he’d ever care to think about! He is an absolute trooper. We arrived and he wasn’t well, and progressively got worse over 4 days before we took him to A&E and got admitted to hospital. We missed our flight(s) home and got back 8 days later, safe and healthy. It was scary but we survived, and a week later were home in Scotland!

Continue reading →

Fortnightly Photos VII

November 15, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello!

I started this at the end of summer and although winter isn’t here yet, I am definitely feeling the cold! I am trying to keep up with everything on my to-do list, but often I find the list gets longer and longer and I am less able to tick things off.

One thing I have kept up with is my photos! I had my first paid clients this month – 3 of them! And I have learned a lot, and really enjoyed myself. I have invested a lot into this business and am looking at investing more – both of myself personally and financially. But baby steps, I have found myself incredibly busy just doing mum things so I am going to give myself a few weeks of taking it slow before upping any game.

I converted my living room entirely into a studio, thanks to my lovely husband agreeing to move all our furniture around, and so now I can put up my backdrops and take them down as needed. It’s made a big difference!

Here are my top photos from the last couple weeks:

These are from our family photoshoot – I love them and have made our Christmas cards with them too!

These are from shoots with other people as well, and I have a couple with myself and Theo Prana in them from our practice sessions. I have accumulated a LOT of props now, for sitter and newborn sessions and I have been learning a lot about them so I am educated on what I am offering.

In honesty, while I haven’t blogged and I have let this slide a lot, I haven’t given up on this project, and I haven’t let myself put the camera down so I am proud of that. I love the studio sessions, and it makes so much sense in the winter because it is so very cold, but I still love the outdoor sessions most, and I know that there will be lots of fun when we do venture to some muddy fields, or our on an adventure with the camera; just need to wait and see what happens.

I’ll try to post on time at the end of this month.

Thanks for sticking with me,

Xoxox

Fortnightly Photos VI

November 1, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hey,

I am backdating a couple of posts because my manic life has meant that I completely lost track of time and space, and my dedication to myself and this blog has been at a level 0. I have been taking photos, of my son, my husband and clients, but finding the time to write hasn’t been a priority, and so I have let is slide.

My last post was in the middle of October, and so now, these are my top photos from the end of October.

It was a busy month, after Theo Prana’s sickness bug, H’s friend Charley came up to visit, and H had a few surprise days off work so we had a few really good days out. He went away for a few days afterwards, and since we were preparing for his sea time, I decided to try to do a “See you soon Daddy” photoshoot with bubba – I even made DIY bunting!

The end of month has zoomed round and now we are over halfway through November, which has also been a busy month for photos – but that is for my next post.

Thanks for sticking with me,

xoxo

Fortnightly Photos V

October 16, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

This is a full week late now but I am still catching up from Theo Prana’s sickness bug. We had lots of cuddles and days indoors last week and the weekly schedule got away from me.

For my own benefit, I am posting my 5th round of (almost) fortnightly photos, as I learn things and watch myself grow.

Here is this batch: