Motherhood

Hello April

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Somehow we are now in the 4th month of 2019 and it is flying! March was an extremely busy month for us, with lots of highs and some lows too.

Harrison got back home in the first couple of weeks so we have been readjusting to life as a family of 3 again, while working around his shifts and terrible sleep pattern. Theo Prana absolutely adores his Daddy though and they are building a strong bond; one I hope we can foster as time goes on, so Theo knows that his dad is just as much of a parent as Mummy is. It’s been us 2 for a long time, on and off but on our own regardless, so this transition has been a long time coming.

Apart from bringing H back, March brought us lots of play-time, puddles and towards the end a little bit of better weather; a new car (which was much needed) and some driving lessons for me so I will be back on the road soon! I finished my photography course and started a new yoga one, we all went on a 4 day flying visit to see my in-laws and booked holidays for the next couple of months too!

We ended the month on Mothers Day which was lovely, and I was really looking forward to H’s birthday on the 1st (not a April fools joke, I promise!). Alas, I ended up with a sickness bug so spent all day feeling utterly rubbish after a night of D&V – the worst 24 hours I’ve had in a few months!

That said, this month is going to bring amazing things – I can feel it. I would love to say I’ll commit to more blog posts, but I know that I am doing the best I can so for now, I’ll be content with that. I have friends visiting next week and the week after, a week down in Norfolk after Easter and most importantly, a toddler who day-in-day-out brings extreme joy. He is talking more, and I am understanding what he wants. He is incredibly strong-willed, which isn’t much of a surprise really, but definitely means I have moments where I want to melt down with him, but then he will kiss me, or hug me or stroke my arm and its worth every single hard moment.

As he grows bigger, I try to take more photos, be in more photos and live away from my phone/camera (contradictory but effective). I do have days where I wish I could be more than mum, but being mum brings such incredible fulfilment that I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

April is going to bring blessings, I am not sure what kind or when, but I am waiting, watching and listening for them. I hope you are too.

XOXO

R

Dear Mummy, on days parenting feels like a chore, remember this:

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Dear Mummy,

I can’t tell you yet, but I see how hard you are working. Some things I won’t understand for a long time, but I do understand that keeping me alive, healthy and happy is a tough job, so thank you.

I love you too. 

Some days are fantastic, some days are long, some days are happy and some days are sad. We have many different types of days together, but the work you do and love you give remains the same: thank you.

Dear Mummy, thank you for all the things you do that get unnoticed.

Thank you for keeping me safe at night, for cuddling me and for kindly waking me up in morning, for helping me changed to get ready for the day. Thank you for letting me choose my trousers, and the colour of my shirt. I like choosing my clothes for the day.

Thank you for feeding me breakfast, and understanding that maybe it is because I had a lot of dinner so I am not very hungry this morning. I know I seem difficult when I turn away from the food, but it’s only because I don’t know how else to tell you I’m full. Thank you for not forcing me to eat at mealtimes.

Thank you for taking the extra time so I can explore as we walk wherever we are going to. I like learning when we are outside.

Thank you for holding me while I nap. I know I am safe in your arms and lying next to you. Thank you for the cuddles when I wake up scared too.

Thank you for hugging me.

Thank you for playing with me

Thank you for reading to me.

Thank you for making bathtime and dinner fun.

Thank you for taking care of me even when your sick.

Thank you for looking after me when I am sick.

Thank you for being in my corner always.

Thank you mum…for everything.

I love you.

Mummy

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

For all parents, our kids first words are special. For first time parents, I think it is even more so. We often can’t wait for our babies to reach milestones and speech is one of the big ones!

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I remember being pregnant and hearing a lady say that every time her wee grandson called her “granny” it made heart melt; for her, there was no purer joy. At the time, I thought it was very sweet, but I didn’t really understand.

Recently, my baby boy has found his voice and become extremely confident using it. He’s getting better and better at communicating and its incredible to see him change daily now. I don’t always understand what he says, or what he wants, but if I just stop, listen and watch, and actually breathe in the moments he is sharing with me, it is magical.

He’ll often say ‘mama mama’ as he plays with his toys; not calling me, just to himself. He’ll say “maymee” if he is talking on a pretend phonecall, or ‘toe tee tooo” if he counts 1,2,3. He has his own language entirely and understands more than I will ever realise. It is fascinating to watch. In the morning, he’ll babble or recently he requests to see Daddy’s video* to him on my phone; then we’ll play before getting out of bed.

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The newest word to his collection is “mummy”. Perfectly pronounced so it actually does sound the way it should. He says it often softly, when he needs me, or when he brings me a book to read to him. He also shouts it, especially when there is a lot going on, he wants to make sure he is heard. As he becomes more assertive, he’s started telling me “no, mummy no” when he doesn’t like something or feels I have done something unfair.

It is by no means easy, but it does feel special. I am mummy, with the superpower of making things better, the person to be mad at, the person to cry to, the person for food, drink, entertainment and comfort. Yet even when its exhausting, when he’s called constantly me and tantrumed all day, when he’s been attached to my hip and nursed non-stop, being mummy is beautiful.

Now, I understand what that lady meant when she spoke of the joy it brought her because now, I feel that joy every time my son asks for his mummy.

* Daddy is away currently but I have a video of him telling Theo that he loves him and is very excited to see him soon. A month ago, Theo would get angry and upset seeing it, so we didn’t watch it, but recently he’s been saying “dada” and “daddy” more, and he loves watching the video! I wouldn’t often advocate screen time before even getting out of bed, but right now, this is the best thing for us and it makes for a happier day.

Life lately

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

We are already in the middle February and I swear yesterday it was the beginning of summer 2018 – Where has the time gone?!

Since I haven’t kept up to date here much, this week I wanted to update you on my life lately; and the rollercoaster it has been. I finally feel like I am settling down again, and am getting comfortable in my home, the home that I have changed drastically in the last month. But that’s getting ahead of myself; for a proper update, I need to actually backtrack briefly to the end of last summer…

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Summer really did fly by, I picked up my camera and I started falling in love with photography again. It spurred my series of Fortnightly Photos that I posted here, though keeping them fortnightly towards the end proved harder than I had hoped. I have stopped that project now for a while, but have by no means put down the camera. As my joy with photography set off, I decided to offer it professionally – outdoor family/children’s portrait photography mostly, but I have been studying and learning about working within studio settings too, as well as abstract photography, travel and much more. I am not busy within this small business, but I love it, and I know that if it is meant to be, then clients will come. As long as I can provide the service with a genuine love for capturing people, then I will be happy to continue.

While doing this, I continued my online studying and by Christmas I had qualified with Warrior’s at Ease as a Level 1 Trauma Sensitive Yoga teacher to work within military communities. It is something I am extremely excited about offering in the near future but I am not quite there yet.

Moving back to Scotland, permanently this time was exciting and difficult. There was a lot of learning for H and I because we needed to find a balance between work, parenting, our marriage and having our own down time. There were many great moments and many fights, we aren’t perfect but after being apart so long, we both knew it would be hard work. Now, he’s on patrol, and won’t be back for some weeks yet, so we will have to go backwards a bit, and get used to life together again.

Family Photos pre-patrol (6)

We knew he was going, so I went home to my parents for Christmas and he went off to find Nemo!

Then the fun bit came… we went to a family wedding in Jakarta.

35 hours on 3 different flights, my parents, brother, cousin and 17 month old son made the trip. Poor Theo (my son) has been on more flights in his life than I think he’d ever care to think about! He is an absolute trooper. We arrived and he wasn’t well, and progressively got worse over 4 days before we took him to A&E and got admitted to hospital. We missed our flight(s) home and got back 8 days later, safe and healthy. It was scary but we survived, and a week later were home in Scotland!

Continue reading →

Fortnightly Photos VII

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello!

I started this at the end of summer and although winter isn’t here yet, I am definitely feeling the cold! I am trying to keep up with everything on my to-do list, but often I find the list gets longer and longer and I am less able to tick things off.

One thing I have kept up with is my photos! I had my first paid clients this month – 3 of them! And I have learned a lot, and really enjoyed myself. I have invested a lot into this business and am looking at investing more – both of myself personally and financially.  But baby steps, I have found myself incredibly busy just doing mum things so I am going to give myself a few weeks of taking it slow before upping any game.

I converted my living room entirely into a studio, thanks to my lovely husband agreeing to move all our furniture around, and so now I can put up my backdrops and take them down as needed. It’s made a big difference!

Here are my  top photos from the last couple weeks:

These are from our family photoshoot – I love them and have made our Christmas cards with them too!

These are from shoots with other people as well, and I have a couple with myself and Theo Prana in them from our practice sessions. I have accumulated a LOT of props now, for sitter and newborn sessions and I have been learning a lot about them so I am educated on what I am offering.

In honesty, while I haven’t blogged and I have let this slide a lot, I haven’t given up on this project, and I haven’t let myself put the camera down so I am proud of that. I love the studio sessions, and it makes so much sense in the winter because it is so very cold, but I still love the outdoor sessions most, and I know that there will be lots of fun when we do venture to some muddy fields, or our on an adventure with the camera; just need to wait and see what happens.

I’ll try to post on time at the end of this month.

Thanks for sticking with me,

Xoxox

R

Fortnightly Photos VI

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hey,

I am backdating a couple of posts because my manic life has meant that I completely lost track of time and space, and my dedication to myself and this blog has been at a level 0. I have been taking photos, of my son, my husband and clients, but finding the time to write hasn’t been a priority, and so I have let is slide.

My last post was in the middle of October, and so now, these are my top photos from the end of October.

It was a busy month, after Theo Prana’s sickness bug, H’s friend Charley came up to visit, and H had a few surprise days off work so we had a few really good days out. He went away for a few days afterwards, and since we were preparing for his sea time, I decided to try to do a “See you soon Daddy” photoshoot with bubba – I even made DIY bunting!

The end of month has zoomed round and now we are over halfway through November, which has also been a busy month for photos – but that is for my next post.

Thanks for sticking with me,

xoxo

R

Fortnightly Photos V

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

This is a full week late now but I am still catching up from Theo Prana’s sickness bug. We had lots of cuddles and days indoors last week and the weekly schedule got away from me.

For my own benefit, I am posting my 5th round of (almost) fortnightly photos, as I learn things and watch myself grow.

Here is this batch:

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Thanks for keeping up with me if you are!

Xox

R

Fortnightly Photos IV

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Wow, the last 2 weeks have been insane! I have been doing photoshoots of kids around the local area now and have been non-stop editing and trying to up my game. I’m building my portfolio so as of yet this has all been free – I don’t mind one bit, I’ve loved it – but my god it’s an incredible amount of work to fit in only when baby sleeps! Watching different tutorials on YouTube for inspiration when I can, and practising as much as possible.

I now have a logo! And a business page, and am meeting a lady about starting an actual proper business tomorrow. Life feels like it’s going at warp speed!

Anyhow, here are my top 5 from recently… there are lots and lots more, but I’m keeping the ones on these blogs either family or close friends, so there are less to choose from then.

I’ll update this in a few weeks. Looking forward to seeing what they bring.

Xoxo

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This one needs a LOT of work I know, but he was helping me with all our stuff and I got the basket for smaller babies… couldn’t resist putting him in it!

I’ll update this in a few weeks. Looking forward to seeing what they bring.

Xoxo

R

Student Motherhood & Me

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello,

I want to collect stories of student motherhood, to normalise the experience and to help new student mums (whether at school, college, university or later in life), feel that the struggles they go through are normal; something I think I’d have benefited from in my own experiences. Therefore, I am reaching out and asking for help – if you are/were a student mum – or dad! – then please contact me, I would love to hear your story, and share it if you’ll let me.

It seems only fitting then, that I should be the first person to share on here, but I do hope that this will grow into something much bigger than me, and my story.

Introduce yourself:

My name is Rohana and I am a stay at home mum to a beautiful boy born just a few weeks before I began my last year of university. I have an amazing husband who’s in the Navy, I am a yoga teacher and I have a degree in International Relations and Politics.

How did you feel finding out you were pregnant? What were the circumstances?

I found out I was pregnant on a Sunday afternoon before teaching a yoga class. I already had a feeling that I was, but I ordered a pack of tests on Amazon, and took 2 into the bathroom with me. When I found out I was shaking; my housemate was in my room with my fiancé (now husband) so I waited for her to leave before going in.

I was scared. I felt like everything I knew was crumbling away… so I ignored it temporarily, taught my yoga classes and then walked home with my fiancé (aka H).

My circumstances were not ideal, H is in the Navy and was moving away 2 months later and I was in the middle of my degree.

What was your pregnancy like? Were there any highlight moments or struggles? How did you cope?

I think overall my pregnancy was pretty great. My first trimester flew by because of university assignments and wedding planning – once we had decided that we were going to brave the idea of having a baby and keep going at the pace we were, H suggested that we bring forward our wedding. We had hoped to get married after I graduated, but he knew how important it was to me that we got married before having kids. We got married in January, just before he moved away.

I had a lot of support from friends and family (once the shock settled), which made me feel stronger about my situation. That said, I also had a lot of criticism too; many people thought I was crazy, and many people said I’d never cope. The truth was that I did feel crazy, but I was determined not to doubt myself.

The most scary part was when I was 12 weeks pregnant and we had a mini car accident and I bled for 2 days.

The hardest part was the disconnect H and I had, because we were living very separate lives, and though time together was lovely, there was a lack of understanding between us. This of course was nobody’s fault, but I think he’ll agree was a significant struggle for us.

The best part was my yoga practice and the relationship I had with my body; because it wasn’t just me, I took much better care of myself than I had previously. I would practice Hatha yoga and meditate regularly, and I ate really well (after the first trimester anyway!).

The first weeks of motherhood, what were they like?

My birth experience was a good one but honestly, I can’t really remember much of the first weeks. The first 5 days I was in hospital due to a vaginal haematoma and unable to do very much. Once out of hospital, I had 1 day with H before he left to go back to work. I chose to breastfeed but the first month was a real struggle and I did consider switching to formula on some days where my son cluster-fed; now I look back and am glad I kept going, but I am also a lot more informed about babies feeding habits.

I had a lot of support and was lucky enough to be living at my parents house so I didn’t have to worry about cooking or household things; it was me and my son 100%. I got more confident as the weeks went by – and as he got bigger!

I didn’t always follow the advice of “sleep when the baby sleeps” even when I had the opportunities. If I could go back, this is probably the only thing I’d do differently.

Going back to study; did you want to? How did you feel? How did you juggle everything?

Initially, the days I was in hospital, I thought I would not go back to uni. I had baby blues and felt like I couldn’t cope. 5 weeks later though, I was packing and my dad was booked on the flight with me to stay a couple of days and help me settle.

I was nervous, excited, scared. I definitely wanted to be studying, but a part of me also wished I wasn’t, because it did feel like a lot of pressure.

I had Theo in a cot at the start, but we soon began co-sleeping full-time. Mostly, I found baby and studying to be exhausting – I loved being back at uni and learning, but I couldn’t fully participate or prepare for every lecture/seminar because I had other things to do. I napped when I could, and looking back, I know that it was so much easier with a tiny baby versus having an older baby/toddler because at least he slept more, and if he didn’t, at least he stayed still! I would read seminar material out loud, or discuss my assignments with him, using the conversation as a sounding board. Admittedly, maybe nursery rhymes and kids stories were more appropriate that discussions about NGOs and political economy, but he didn’t mind, and it allowed me to get my work done.

Later on in the year it became more difficult, as Theo Prana wanted to interact with my friends and lecturers and be involved with classes, but everyone was very supportive. My friends (and parents when they visited) babysat if I needed them too. I taught a weekly yoga class so they helped then too. My tutors were also very understanding about absences, and my personal tutor gave me the necessary pep-talks to keep me going. H was deployed in the last few months so he couldn’t be down, but it meant that he got time with us when he was back (and I was assignment free!)

The last month; dissertation month, I was blessed with a vacancy in the university nursery for Theo, so he attended 4 half-day sessions of nursery which allowed me to get on top of deadlines, finish my dissertation (with my mum proof-reading everything as well), and pack to move out of my flat.

When I went back I never thought I would make it to the end, I thought I’d quit by my 8-week grace period… but I didn’t and I know now, having made it out the other side, that it was worth the hard work and exhaustion.

Where are you now in your life/studies? Do you have any plans for the future?

Right now I am taking a break from studying. I am living with my husband for the first time in our relationship, and we are focusing on building the foundations of our home and family. I am doing self-study yoga courses and I am keeping myself busy, but I am not ready to go back to a university setting. I do hope to in the future at some point.

I have future plans, but nothing concrete; I’ve picked up my camera again, I am focusing on my yoga and I am taking some time to ‘just be’ without planning too far ahead. Eventually, things will fall into place anyway, so I want to make the most of being a stay at home mum now, and enjoy my growing boy.

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Thank you for reading,

If you are/have been a student mum, or know anyone who is/has, please reach out and hopefully we can build this up.

Xoxo

R