I suppose technically it’s day 5, but the day is still going for me, and my kiddo’s didn’t sleep until nearly midnight tonight. We had plans to go out, go to the library cafe and get some air – but, as most plans with any pressure, things went a little haywire at home.

We had some real moments of dysregulation from everyone, and I found myself joining in the chaos instead of anchoring as a space for calm. Part of this may have been yet another phone call from the NHS informing me that I’ve had appointments made for me that I have no intention of attending, and have already spoken to a real human about; added on to the sore nose from K’s headbutts and the kids grumping over breakfast options, it’s no surprise I wasn’t exactly the poster for gentle parenting today.

However, what I was was real. Authentic. Honest. I told them that I had a headache, and that it would be helpful if we could rest and read or cuddle for a bit. We attempted to play Simone Says – it did not work! We attempted some games of imaginary play – they did not work because each child wanted a different game. We attempted a dance it out party. When everything failed, I put a film on, and even that was a little bit of chaos because it was the wrong one. So chaos descended … and when everyone had had their cries and cuddles, we all came together, played fetch with the dog, and had snacks. Honestly, it sounds pretty okay writing it out, but there were a few moments in there where I thought “well fuck, I am done with today”.

But here I am, and we turned the day around. After the chaos and cries and cuddles, we played, we sang, we read a few books, and then K asked for bed. So he fell asleep and P was listening to his audiobook, and A decided she wanted to play stickers. In the end, P and A played while I pressed t-shirts, they helped and made games with the used vinyl and then got the crystals out. P took himself off to bed again and A asked if she could walk around the house with a candle for blessings and protection. We lit one and I followed her as she walked, telling me that the fire energy was protecting the house, and that when she’s an adult she’ll be able to light the candles with a lighter like me.

It has me thinking about repair, and about how, though yes I was deep in the midst of my lizard brain too today, having a practice that I can lean on helps bring me back. I apologized to P once we’d settled and said, even though yes I was upset and they were upset and everyone was shouting, it is ultimately my job to keep them safe, and they don’t deserve to be yelled at because my big feelings explode. His response, as ever was perfect “I knew you’d say sorry mummy, and it’s okay, we all went a bit crazy with our volcanoes but I still love you”.

They have so much grace. So much space for forgiveness. So much love.

Before A slept, we had a similar moment where she said “I am proud of us mummy, we got angry and sad and then went back to being friends”.

This is why I am so adamant that we can repair. It isn’t about never getting it wrong. It’s about being authentic, messing up and making up… and when we have days like this, where in some moments I worry that I’ve traumatized my kids and passed on or created negative beliefs, I also am given signs from them, and the universe that ultimately, we do the best we can with the resources we have. Today I ran out of spoons, and so did they… but we made more. We made up. And though yes, they might remember the moments of shouting and upset, all I can do is hope that the moments of repair are more impactful than the ones of rupture.

Tomorrow we are off on an adventure… tonight, I am grateful to be living this life.

With love,

Rohana x