learning

November Musings

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”

Mary Oliver

I began to write a post on the bus the other day. I began one in my head as we walked. I began to think again while at the park watching Ila-Rae on the swings. Truthfully, my musing this month is that although my heart and soul want to be creating, writing, expressing; my body and mind are busy and exhausted. That’s okay.

I am only just out of the 4th Trimester with Ezra, and still very much finding my feet as a new mum again. Theo is thriving in his own way, and also challenging in others; Ila-Rae is the same. Both of them remind me daily that there is absolutely no point in trying to control the way they want to live their lives, because the only things I can control are my own reactions (or responses as I’m trying to reframe them), and the environment I create – to an extent anyway.

There is a part of me drawn to minimalism and so when things get too chaotic, I end up having a big clean out and resort – today was that day. Unsurprisingly therefore, I have finally made some time to write, because my brain and body are that little bit calmer within our environment. Yes the playroom is still messy, and yes there are pens ALL over the kids bedroom floor, and yes, Ila-Rae went to bed with felt-tip marking over pretty much her entire body; BUT they had real dinner, we played and had some wonderful connection, the bedsheet is clean AND we even managed to hoover up most of the rice and chickpeas from the sensory tray spillover. I’ll take this as a win!

Autumn has pretty much gone now I feel. Though we have had some sunny days, the nights draw in fast and the cold is beginning to make it self felt. This year though, Theo’s old enough to talk to about extra layers, turning lights off, saving energy when it’s possible – and as a result, he’s being conscious about it, which is both the reason and motivator for H and I to model using our resources responsibly. We’ve had some wonderful conversations regarding sustainability, and he’s actually even more excited to take the bus when we go out now, regularly checking that the fuel/energy being used by our family is not ‘too much’. It makes me sad to think at 4 he will already have a sense of climate anxiety; but I am also determined to make positive changes with him (and Ila-Rae and Ezra as they grow of course). The next big thing I need to organize with him is a neighborhood little pick – which sounds simple and cheery but with 3 babies under 5, it’s something I am yet to manage as whenever we do go out and pick up the few loose bits here and there, I always make the mental note to pack some little bags… and then forget.

Homeschooling

As Theo officially reached school eligibility age this year, I had panicked a little about the face we are home educating. I wholehearted believe it is the right choice for our family right now… but I am also someone who feels nervous about doing things ‘wrong’ and home-ed is very far from considered the ‘right thing’ from conversations with family and friends. Slowly though, I feel like it is being more accepted – or maybe I’m just getting better at navigating the harder conversations.

We bought Kindergarten Math with Confidence and I was so excited to start in September … but Theo wasn’t bothered and so I didn’t push. Instead we played and got used to life with Ezra around. Numbers though were still featuring heavily in his interests so we have watched a lot of Numberblocks on CBeebies and I ignored pretty much every part of me that wanted to quiz him. Until the last 2 weeks where he’s been playing with numbers, adding and subtracting and asking us to join in and throw questions at him. The joy he shows when he knows the answer is palpable; and the curiosity when he needs to try and figure it out is incredible. Had I pushed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. So I’ve been looking at the curriculum this week to find ideas for ways to bring in the challenges he is showing signs of wanting… and for now, we’ll go from there.

He has almost no interest in letters and says he has no need to read because he can read with an adult; while Ila-Rae will draw shapes and tell me they are letters… so already I see their needs are so different, even though she isn’t yet 2 (almost though!). He loves his construction play and so I am debating getting a Teifoc building set for him, but the cost is holding me back. I’m sure it’ll be worth it, but maybe one for the future – right now he is content with our Grimms Pyramid styled blocks that a friend made for us.

Lastly in terms of home ed, I’ll add that though we aren’t doing anything formal, I am going back to keeping records because of the court case in Portsmouth ruling in favour of the Learning Authority (LA), because it falls into the growing sense of worry that more requirements and restrictions are going to be placed on families who are choosing this path. I have an Instagram account that focuses more on sharing what we’ve been doing and I am also using pen and paper to journal important observations… alongside photographs because I always enjoy capturing their moments, but that is partly because of my own interest in photography. For now, our life won’t change really, but I am conscious that I don’t want to do things ‘wrong’ and end up with problems with our own LA here in Plymouth, or any other in the future.

Photography

Here are a few choice images from the last few months. My hope is that if I manage to make this writing a monthly occurence, I will be able to share between 2 and 5 favourites from the month past, and hone my own skills while I do so.


Inspiration

Currently I’ve got a few things that are keeping me going. Inspiration is one of those things that, in my opinion, is very personal, because we each have a different need that should be met in order for inspiration to feel authentic.

I subscribe to Julie Bogart’s newsletter and, although I don’t read every single one that pops into my inbox, a while ago she sent one that really resonated. She spoke about parents finding hobbies, to stop stressing over our children’s learning and instead, learn something new ourselves. To demonstrate a love of learning and a passion for a project or activity or anything really, because when our children see it, we are modeling a healthy relationship with learning. It really struck a cord with me, and so I’m keeping it at the forefront of projects or ideas I have. Maybe it’ll work for you too.

I’ve also been listening to Life Without School podcast, as a little reminder and breather during the week. The episodes are short enough and beautifully thought out. I love the honestly behind conversations and although my children are younger, I find a lot relatable.

Lastly, I’ve put reminders on my phone to smile more! It’s a small thing, but the reminder every couple of hours pops up and it is a way for me to check in with what my body feels too. The idea is that by reminding myself to smile, I am rewiring my brain in positivity – I don’t always want to smile, but the reminder is soft, and a happy word, so I soften my jaw a little, breathe and if I want to, smile. Rather than a reminder to meditate or do some ‘self care’ which ends up feeling like another job on the list, this is gentle and effective for me right now.

I invite you to try it… smile. Just for a second. Then for a bit longer. Deep breath through the nose if you can first, and then soft your jaw, cheekbones, eyebrows… and smile. 💕 How does that feel?

I’ll tentatively promise another update next month. With lots of things in my head, I hope to share a few projects then too.

Until next time, with love

Rohana x

The Birth of Ezra Krishna

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’ve avoided writing about ezras birth story. I keep saying I will but I’ve procrastinated constantly… and I know why.

It was hard.
Beautiful, but hard.

** All images included in this post are taken by Gaby Sweet, our incredible photographer **

In many ways I think I’ll view it as the hardest birth of all of my children, and the most empowering experience by the end. I’ll endeavour to make this is chronologically as possible, but the reality is that birth isn’t. One thing happens after another but when we look back  there are moments that stick with us – moments so intense that we are fully transported back. I know with each of my births those moments have been intensely different.

These are late in the third trimester, taken by Gaby on film, at our 2nd pre-birth meeting.


Ezra Krishna was born almost 2 weeks over the NHS due date we’d been given, and I was exhausted. By 35 weeks I had already starting counting down the days and weeks, never thinking I’d be pregnant for another 7 weeks from then. I was convinced baby would arrive by 38 weeks, and I was ready – or I thought I was.

But 38 weeks came and went. Then 39, then 40 and midwives started suggesting interventions. In the weeks leading to our due date, I’d had several periods where I thought labour was starting, only for things to frustratingly taper off again. At one point I was so sure I called Harrison home from work, only to find that the labour signs stopped with the kids bedtime. Exasperating! I learned a lot of patience through my impatience, and had to do a lot of letting go.

I was offered a membrane sweep, which I had made clear I would not be having early on. I was told at 41 weeks I would be booked in for an induction in 5 days; again I declined. I said I would go in for monitoring instead.

41+5 arrived and I lost a fair amount of my mucus plug, with the blood on my underwear to prove it. I called to inform the hospital I would not be attending my appointment for monitoring as I was in early labour. The response was shocking – passed around to various phones, I was finally told that I wasn’t on the system.
This annoyed me, as if I had gone to the hospital I would have been alone, leaving my 2 kids upset with my husband …  but I said okay, and goodbye. I was prepared and excited to relax and look forward to meeting my baby.


Just a few hours later, things felt slow but similar to Ila-Rae’s labour, when I got a callback from the maternity service. They wanted to know why I had missed my scheduled induction (the one I’d refused and said not to book as I’d be waiting for spontaneous labour!) and told me I was required to come in for monitoring. I said I would go in tomorrow for monitoring ONLY but I was not leaving the house that day – and so the Midwife began to rattle off the dangers of having an overdue baby, telling me “it would be a shame if something were to happen, or if baby was stillborn”  because I had refused induction. I was talked to like I knew nothing, and told there was medical necessity for me to attend that day. I declined, telling the Midwife I knew my rights as a birthing person and that I knew my body and baby – I would not be leaving my house. The firm message for me was “the first intervention in labour begins when you leave the front door.” I knew I wanted a homebirth AND I knew I would transfer if needed – I wasn’t going to risk my health or baby’s… but I wasn’t going to be bullied either.

My oxytocin levels plummeted. The stop and start labour for weeks had been frustrating but this was 100× worse. I felt so angry. And sad. And annoyed by a system that believes so little in womens abity to birth their babies. I had no contractions for hours, and then when they came they were less intense… it was clear that our baby would not be arriving that day.

So I shared about it on social media carried on with the day, did bedtime and all that jazz. Once the kids were asleep, Harrison and I had an angry and enjoyable conversation about the social media responses I’d received, which let out a lot of tension I was holding. I am grateful to have a partner who gets angry with me, and who believes in me so much that he was perfectly fine going against the professionals.

After a while, decided to go to sleep. I knew this labour was the real deal, but like so many birth stories I’d read, I still didn’t feel safe enough so my body was holding on. I tried to create my oxytocin bubble again, using my affirmations, and visualising what I hoped for in this birth. I slept intermittently between 12 and 4, exhausted but unable to fully rest. I remember downloading a contraction timer app, but honestly gave up because it was more of a hassle. I knew this was labour, my back hurt in a way that it hadn’t in my previous labours, but the rawness was there. At 4am, I gave up, went to make a sandwich and started to watch the clock.

The surges got more regular. Every 5 minutes or so, raw but manageable. I text Gaby, and got busy getting into my zone. I was so excited. A day labour! I hoped we’d have some beautiful light and a day birth … by evening it was a point of joke that I’d even thought it would be possible.

The day was stop start… some moments extremely intense, some moments of laughter and relaxing. I was so frustrated at points because I felt like everything I thought I knew was going out the window. Ila was by my side, the whole day. Harrison made sure everyone was fed and had drinks, he kept checking on me, and was flitting between the kids and my needs.
Theo spent the whole day watching Maddie’s Do You Know… honestly that woman has saved so many moments for me, she deserves a written thank you! He binge watched telly and ate and played a little… got in the pool briefly and then back to telly and sleep. Completely different to how I’d imagined – we’d spent hours over the weeks leading up talking about birth and waves and crowning, but on the day, he knew he needed his space. In the end, I’m grateful for that.


The pool with Theo and Ila was not what I’d imagined. I thought it would be nice and calm and homely to have them with me… but they were so excited. Theo kept splashing, Ila was stuck to me. She knew something was happening but she didn’t understand. And as the back pain got worse but contractions didn’t seem to regulate, I started getting more and more frustrated. She picked up on it all.

Eventually I kicked both kids out the pool to watch a film. It was needed but then the guilt and sadness began to take over. The excitement was fading… and I was struggling.

Midwives weren’t much help. They came which was a surprise as we’d be told they might if they could be spared, but we were given no time frame. I asked for a VE which was agony – but I couldn’t carry on without knowing…. I don’t regret it. They said 4cm… except, it could also be 6… they couldn’t decide. So they stayed and observed me for an hour. Contractions were irregular, some almost unbearable, some much more manageable. Before leaving they checked my dilation again – this time talking between themselves about babies position (but not telling me at all!) and then telling me it could still be 4, but they could stretch me up to 7/8 (that was painful AF!).

It was around this time with the midwives I think that Harrison suggested the TENS machine… I had totally forgotten about it, but it was a welcome relief. I had only used the water until that point, and lots of movement breathing.

Then came the most intense part. This memory holds the most strength of labour still for me, and the vulnerability I felt brings me to tears. I remember lying on my bed. Curled up into my inner space; this was my time for rest… and I did. I slept in between contractions so intense I felt like I was being ripped apart. In the later moments as I lay down, turning my TENS machine up so high I felt the reminence of those shocks for days after – I text a friend telling her I felt like I was dying. In that moment, though I knew this was the intensity of labour, I truly felt like I couldn’t go on.


In between my sleep Harrison brought me toast. The kids fell asleep..  Ila lay next to me, wanting to know I was close. But then things got too much… Harrison took Ila, and just as he got her to sleep downstairs, I had an intense contraction. Instinctly I moved onto all fours. Something shifted.

Harrison downstairs.
I told Gaby – who had sat with me and gently assured me that I was okay, that I could do this, that I was doing this – that I was going to get back into the pool.

Tens machine off, I got into the pool and transition began. I was so deeply in the zone that although I registered Harrison telling me he thought we should call the midwives again, i couldn’t respond. He made the decision and got on the phone.

This is one of the few really intimate moments we had … because he was so busy making sure I had all I needed. He’s exhausted, I’m in the deep space of Birth…but when I look at this image, I see the trust and support. I see the love.


The next contraction came, and my body took over. I was pushing.

I could feel our babies head. I screamed. I roared. It was intense. 

"Sometimes we roar our babies out"

The midwives told Harrison to call paramedics instead, but I was pushing, the baby was coming and I would not have been able to wait even if I wanted.

I don’t know how long it took from then to holding him, but he arrived, roared out with such intensity that I woke Ila up.

Then he was here… Harrison told us baby boy. I just sat,  having caught him and pulled him up onto me, unwrapped his cord from his neck, I was still in awe. Somehow my body had known I needed the water… that I was ready, but I had doubted myself so much that the reality of holding my baby was still a shock.

My loudness had woken Ila up, so Harrison had brought her in, and she tried to get into the pool with me again. Instead, I got out.

Before I even sat, our placenta was out. Easy as anything, and intact. I put it into a bowl and curled onto the bed, with Ila there, munching a biscuit and our baby boy wrapped in a towel on top of me.

Ezra. He was here.

I drank some herbal tea to avoid major bleeding – given my history with Theo, this was a precaution and a mental safety net.

Harrison was still on the phone. The paramedics were on their way… but it would be hours yet.

Theo woke up, cried and came up the stairs. So soon he was cuddled in… completely indifferent to the newest addition in my arms. Harrison was already sorting out the pool… checking in on us while he worked. I had afterpains… and they were Intense! It’s true, they get worse with every child.

We moved the towels I’d been sat on, put some fresh ones down and began to just settle in, trying to latch Ezra but he wss mostly sleepy and content.

When the paramedics arrived, 2 hours after we had called, they were shocked at the fact midwives hadn’t even called to check in. I showered, and was still bleeding steadily so, against my deepest wish, but following advice, I decided to transfer in.

I am a person who deeply believes we can birth in the way we want. That we intuitively know if something is wrong and that I was in tune enough with body to trust it. I knew I hadn’t torn, and that my bleeding was normal. I also knew my previous bleeding with Theo’s birth was for concerning, and that this pregnancy I had not been given an iron transfusion. I knew I was fine… but I also knew I didn’t want the trauma for my children of rushing mummy into hospital hours later because of bleeding. So I transfered, to be safe.

I have to say though, the paramedics were very respectful about my hesitation. The male paramedic was concerned by blood loss, because he couldn’t gauge it from the pool (which was gone) and towels had soaked up so much water as well as blood. The female paramedic was trusting, she gave me the space and made sure I knew the power was in my hands. It was my scene, and they were there as an assist.

Gaby was still with us too, hours after the birth by this point, so she prepared to leave as I did. She was so incredibly calm and centred. She was exactly who I had needed with us, not just for me, but for our whole family. I told the kids they’d pick me up in the morning and kissed Harrison goodbye. It was bittersweet and part of me hated it. I wanted to be in our bed, snuggled up with my children. But there was no Midwife coming… and I knew this was to be part of our story, so *deep breath* off we went.

Story to be continued in the immediate postpartum writings … below are more images from our day 💕

These are some more of the parts of our story.

I know that for some people, birh photography is something they wouldn’t dream of… but others are curious. These images form part of our story – they capture both of my older children on the day their brother was born, they capture the support I had from my husband, they capture the depths of my commitment to birth my baby in a way I knew I wanted. It hard, but ultimately healing.

If you think you might want someone to capture your birth… ask around. It is absolutely something I don’t think anyone would ever regret…. because it isn’t just a photo, it’s a story of the journey.

From April to August; An Unplanned Break from Blogging

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

My son is currently asleep for his daily nap and I have a To-Do List as long as my arm but today, after months away, I wanted to blog. I have thought so much about why I stopped, why I lost it on my list of priorities and how I miss typing away and sharing my life.

I lost touch with a lot of things over the last few months, adjusting to life with Harrison home, falling pregnant and facing the parenting struggles (and adventures) that come with having a 2 year old. The days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, where I chose to watch useless television or even worse, scroll my Facebook and Instagram feeds, pretending that it was a good use of my time! How easy it is to get sucked into wasting precious minutes mindlessly on these apps. I love the ability to share and connect, but not the ease with which we are trapped into staying on the platform longer and longer.

Turning off my phone, or at least my internet recently has helped, maybe that is why I have found my way back to the keyboard. Or perhaps it was the gentle push from my mother this weekend, reminding me that writing has been a great way to care for myself, express and evaluate, let go of emotions and heal from experiences. If I want to express myself, share my life constructively, and unpack the emotional backpack I am carrying, writing is a much better idea that Facebook scrolling isn’t it?  So here we are, hopefully this time for a long time.

I won’t attempt to relieve all that has gone on since April, but I will fill in all the important bits, at least the big ones; like my little brother moving to Australia, my best friend in Scotland moving away for a year, and TP losing his best buddy (her daughter). My anxiety over TPs birth trauma made an appearance (which I am slowly trying to heal) while we were on our first ever family holiday, and we have had members of both sides of the family come to visit. TPs speech is incredible now, and I learned that even in Scotland, a paddling pool or variation of one is an asset on the hot days. H bought a bike and is using it, and I am driving around a lot more comfortable, albeit locally. We have also begun to really enjoy cooking from scratch and learning how to love the kitchen. The rest, well it’s history, but the future is still waiting, holding stories and laughter and love for us to share.

You might have also caught that I am pregnant – yep! – 25 weeks currently, and a big part of the reason I stopped writing. There were a few weeks in the first trimester I walked around permanently holding either a sick bowl or bag, and crying because I wasn’t able to do much else. But it passed, after a lot of trial and error I found a couple of pregnancy sickness tricks to keep it at bay (another post about this will come) and finally we are over it (mostly!).

Apart from that tiny detail, my first born, Theo Prana turned 2 this July, making me officially the mum of a wild toddler who is the biggest light in my life but also makes me want to curl up under the blanket with a tub of ice-cream and hide. Nobody can prepare you for parenthood and each stage has its challenges, but toddlerhood is by far the most testing. That said, we are working on finding the balance, and thankfully H is very on board with a lot of the peaceful parenting ideas I propose, so we are a team rather than giving TP mixed signals by being confused ourselves.

We also started cloth nappies, and reusable wipes, and as a family (sometimes actually led more by H than myself) trying to cut down our plastic consumption and be less wasteful. This has been an amazing development for us because we both feel like as TP gets older and understands more, we want him to know we did our best for the planet, and we didn’t stay ignorant. It is hard, sometimes we forget, sometimes even though we remember, we cannot afford the ‘planet friendly’ options, but every little bit we do makes a difference in the big picture, like the butterfly who’s wings flapping could be felt across the earth, each step we make, is a step forward.

Oh and lastly, we are moving house! Still a little while to go, so I won’t share much on it yet, but I guess that is also kind of a big reason I have felt like life is so busy, because we have had a few really major things to adjust to. All good thankfully and I am so grateful for that.

Until the next time, 

XOXO

R

Life with a Toddler: Soft Play Mishaps

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Occurred March 4th

You know those moments when your toddler gets hurt and you know it’s partly your fault? I had a moment like that today with Theo in a soft play centre.

My tiny humans loves slides And usually the higher and faster, the better. So he went for it, with a little help we got to the top of the gym styled course and to the biggest slide. My friend and her daughter when down together, but Theo didn’t want to get on my lap, so, (foolishly) I didn’t force him. Instead, I sat down on the slide next to him and said we would go down together.

1, 2, 3, weeeeee….

Queue crying… queue loud, I’m in pain crying! He smacked the side of his face near the bottom.

The result: my kid now looks really roughed up.

This isn’t the first instance of bruising this week! He has tripped and fallen and been downright clumsy over the weekend, so this episode on the slide is just icing on the cake.

Oh and now he’s afraid of slides too.

My takeaway point: sometimes, as much as its great to let toddlers take charge during play, it’s also probably wise not to let them go down giant slides without sitting on your lap.

However, overall he is fine, so as much I feel guilty for not preventing the hurt, I also know he has learned a lot from it and will let me do it with him next time. We will tackle slides together another day and hopefully he will find the joy again.

Life lately

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

We are already in the middle February and I swear yesterday it was the beginning of summer 2018 – Where has the time gone?!

Since I haven’t kept up to date here much, this week I wanted to update you on my life lately; and the rollercoaster it has been. I finally feel like I am settling down again, and am getting comfortable in my home, the home that I have changed drastically in the last month. But that’s getting ahead of myself; for a proper update, I need to actually backtrack briefly to the end of last summer…

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Summer really did fly by, I picked up my camera and I started falling in love with photography again. It spurred my series of Fortnightly Photos that I posted here, though keeping them fortnightly towards the end proved harder than I had hoped. I have stopped that project now for a while, but have by no means put down the camera. As my joy with photography set off, I decided to offer it professionally – outdoor family/children’s portrait photography mostly, but I have been studying and learning about working within studio settings too, as well as abstract photography, travel and much more. I am not busy within this small business, but I love it, and I know that if it is meant to be, then clients will come. As long as I can provide the service with a genuine love for capturing people, then I will be happy to continue.

While doing this, I continued my online studying and by Christmas I had qualified with Warrior’s at Ease as a Level 1 Trauma Sensitive Yoga teacher to work within military communities. It is something I am extremely excited about offering in the near future but I am not quite there yet.

Moving back to Scotland, permanently this time was exciting and difficult. There was a lot of learning for H and I because we needed to find a balance between work, parenting, our marriage and having our own down time. There were many great moments and many fights, we aren’t perfect but after being apart so long, we both knew it would be hard work. Now, he’s on patrol, and won’t be back for some weeks yet, so we will have to go backwards a bit, and get used to life together again.

Family Photos pre-patrol (6)

We knew he was going, so I went home to my parents for Christmas and he went off to find Nemo!

Then the fun bit came… we went to a family wedding in Jakarta.

35 hours on 3 different flights, my parents, brother, cousin and 17 month old son made the trip. Poor Theo (my son) has been on more flights in his life than I think he’d ever care to think about! He is an absolute trooper. We arrived and he wasn’t well, and progressively got worse over 4 days before we took him to A&E and got admitted to hospital. We missed our flight(s) home and got back 8 days later, safe and healthy. It was scary but we survived, and a week later were home in Scotland!

Continue reading →

Fortnightly Photos IX

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So this last couple weeks baby and I travelled back to Gibraltar and left hubby behind in Scotland. The plan was he’d be leaving with work shortly after but some delays have postponed that slightly.

Because of all the travelling, and the fact Theo had chicken pox and then a tummy bug, photos have been scarce. I am using my dad’s camera now, and enjoying it because I am learning from him. I also signed up to a photography online course so will be starting that soon! I am honestly very excited for it.

Christmas is a week away now so things are very busy. Baby is lots better and enjoying the sun and the free reign he gets because its easier to chase him in the small space. Here are a few of him making the most of his freedom:

I’ll post more soon, it’s going to be a New Year goal of mine.

Xox

R

The Nature of the Mind

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Another of my Raja Course Essays. I am working on them slowly, and have a couple more to publish here. Once these are done, I am planning to take a back-step, because at the moment, it’s not high enough on my priority list, and I want to give this course my full attention. I wrote this one in October 2018: 

The Nature of the Mind: 

The nature of the Seer (our true selves) is impacted heavily by the mind. The mind, to use an analogy is like a lake; when the lake is still and clear, there is peace in our thoughts. We are able to look into the lake and see ourselves clearly; a true reflection. However, when the lake is murky, or there are ripples in the water – our busy thought forms – the reflection is distorted. We are unable to see ourselves in our true form, because, as Swami Satchidanda said, the mind is coloured. The goal of yoga is to restrain the mind, to free us from the bondage created by these thought forms; known as vrittis so that we can cultivate peace and harmony in our lives.

In the practice of yoga, through meditation, we observe our minds without judgement. In time, with regular practice and dedication to ourselves, we see that our minds are less busy, and that our thoughts are useful. In more time, we are told by experienced practitioners and the great gurus and spiritual leaders, that we can turn off our thoughts, and experience total stillness; a perfect reflection in the lake of our minds. This is what the Sutra’s tell us, once we have managed yogas chittas vrittis nirodhah, we can abide in our own true nature (Sutra 1:3 – tada drastuh svarupe vasthanam).

Patanjali tells us that the vrittis are the key. These 5 mental modifications that can either be painful (selfish) or painless (selfless).

  1. Right Knowledge: we can choose to be indifferent, or we can choose to learn about our high self, to do good, and to be good.
  2. Misconception: when we do not understand the full story yet make judgement/observations based on only what we know – e.g. the coiled rope being mistaken for the snake. As we modify our minds through yoga, we are able to understand that there is knowledge missing, so we seek it.
  3. Verbal delusion: when words are used to convey images that are not true to reality. If we are able to modify our minds, we can sense verbal delusion from others and use our discriminative discernment to maintain our truth. Additionally, we would not use verbal delusion with others.
  4. Sleep: our minds are not blank in sleep, and through meditation, we can modify this vritti to influence our minds even as we dream.
  5. Memory: our minds attach emotions to memory and often this leads to feelings of regret or sorrow if the memory is associated with a bad experience. Through yoga, we can modify our thought patterns and let go of this attachment to the emotion and accept that we cannot change what has already occurred.

Authors Epiphany:

In relation to the last vritti, there is a quote that comes to mind:

The past does not exist, but you are dealing with the non-existent, going about as if it is a reality. That is the whole illusion. Mind is the basis of this.[i]

The past only exists in our heads, because when we write it or verbalise is, the full experience is lost. Words are able to convey experiences only as far as the person listening or reading can associate a personal experience to. This is the beauty of the mind. The mind allows us to understand pain, because we have felt it, so we can empathise; but our empathy doesn’t mean we are having the same experience, only that our minds have allowed us to understand something similar.

Through meditation, we can free ourselves from the thoughts that ‘weigh us down’, and by doing so, we are able to increase the compassion, love and joy we feel. A clear lake (mind) is the goal of yoga, as set out by Patanjali; it allows us peace and harmony. However, the muddy waters are part of our human experience, and the are what allow us to have an enriched life. The goal for me isn’t a perfectly clear lake all the time; in total honestly, I don’t think that it’s possible. My goal is a clear lake during quiet pockets of the day, but to fill the rest of the day with love, joy, pleasure, laughter; all the things that make life beautiful. Our minds are an incredibly interesting and beautiful and, in some ways, scary place, but that is part of our human experience.

Raising my son, I can see how his mind is shaped by different experiences. I want to make them good, I want to increase his enjoyment and enthusiasm. And, I want him to experience pain. I want him to grow knowing in his mind that pain and pleasure are both fleeting. There must be balance. Sthira and Suka.

As Chögyal Namkhai Norbu said, “Beyond the mind, beyond our thoughts, there is something we call the ‘nature of the mind’, the mind’s true condition, which is beyond all limits. If it is beyond the mind, though, how can we approach an understanding of it?”

I think the nature of the mind is to strive for quiet, for steadiness and for peace; but until the mind has had the opposite, we do not appreciate the silence.

Sources: 

[i][i] https://isha.sadhguru.org/yoga/yoga_articles_mind_stress/yoga-and-the-mind/

Fortnightly Photos VIII

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

My mum and brother visited last week and we had a day in Glasgow; I’ve babysat my neighbours kid and got much more comfortable in my newfound friendship here. I am getting ready to say bye to H who has not yet left on patrol but will be going soon, and packing for our Christmas with my parents.

The camera has been out, but I’ve had no clients and truthfully I haven’t pushed because it’s been so busy! I know once we hit 2019, I will focus on my business again more fully. Until then, I’m working on baby cuddles, preparing to start a proper bedtime routine and  thinking about weaning. Life is busy and we are loving it!

Here are a few of our photos this week, my brother features in quite a few of them:

DSC_0776DSC_1071DSC_1101DSC_1038DSC_0792DSC_1097DSC_0730

Thanks for keeping up!

I will check in again before Christmas if possible. 

Xoxo

R

Abhyasa vairagyabhyam tannirodhah – Sutra 1:12

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

As part of my Raj Yoga TT, I am writing essays to expand my knowledge of yogic philosophies. This is the 2nd essay that I wrote. I have a few more and am currently working on essay 5. I want to have them on my blog to allow ease of access, and to help anyone who comes across it.

Happy reading,

Xoxo

R

Sutra 1:12

Abhyasa vairagyabhyam tannirodhah

These mental modifications are restrained by practice and non-attachment.

Figure 1

scalesabhyasa

Sutra 1:13 – Of these two, effort towards steadiness of mind is practice.
Sutra 1:14 – Practice becomes firmly grounded when well attended to for a long time, without a break and in all earnestness.
Sutra 1:15 – The consciousness of self-mastery in one who is free from craving for objects seen or heard about is non-attachment
Sutra 1:16 – When there is non-thirst for even the gunas (constituents of Nature) due to realisation of the Purusha (true Self), that is supreme non-attachment.

Introduction:
In Sutra 1:12, Sri Patanjali instructs his readers to work on their minds and thought patterns through practice and non-attachment. Sutras 13, 14, 15 and 16 expand on this one instruction, providing more detail and allowing a better understanding of what Patanjali means by Abhyasa and Vairagya. Both concepts (practice and non-attachment) are inextricably linked, allowing the yogi to restrain their minds when a balance between the two is found (Swami Prabhavananda & Isherwood, 1981, p. 28; Satchidananda, 1990, p.18-19). A cornerstone of yogic practice, Sutra 1:12 provides a window for yoga to come “off the mat” and into daily life. This essay will examine the concepts of practice and non-attachment, focusing first on Sutra 1:12 before turning attention to analysis Bahasa and then Vairagya. Finally, the essay will conclude with a personal interpretation of these sutras, to demonstrate an understanding that goes beyond mere research and explanatory words.

Sutra 1:12
According to Rizopoulos (2017), both practice and non-attachment can serve as a roadmap to aid navigation through life. In her explanation, she says that the basis of Sutra 1:12 is that the efforts made in practice should be determined, but that in equal measure, the outcome of those efforts should not be of concern, i.e. we should not be attached to them. If this is achieved, the mental medications that exist in our minds (vrittis) will lessen. Gannon (2011) expands on this, asserting that through abhyasa and vairagya we can identify with our inner self, essentially echoing Sutra 1:16. The suggestions given to perfect the efforts made are similar to those explained by Swami Satchidananda in his commentary of Sutras 1:13-16 (1990, pp.18-30). Swami Satchidananda makes these sutras accessible, referring to temples and churches as social centre’s and demystifying the idea that through renouncing worldly goods, there is no enjoyment in life. The explanations given do not give false hope that mastery over the mind through abhyasa and vairagya is easy, but rather, provide suggestions for the reader to apply them in their own way.

Abhyasa:
Practice, Sri Patanjali says must continue “for a long time, without a break and in all earnestness” (Swami Satchidananda, 1990, p.20). The abstract nature of Sutra 1:14 allows the student to interpret and apply it in their own way. The long time necessary may feel daunting at first, but if determined, a habit can be created, which for a keen student may lead to a lifetime commitment to their practice. This practice can be a daily meditation but is not limited to it; many yogis commit to a vegetarian diet, or fasting, others to Karma or Bhakti yoga. The commitment of time demonstrates the earnestness of the student, as illustrated by Swami Satchidananda’s commentary about the amount of births one must go through before reaching heaven (1990, p.21).
There is no shortage of ways to begin establishing a committed practice, and often starting with one leads to the accumulation of more over years. Bryant (2013) suggests that cultivating a Hatha Yoga practice is pathway to train the mind towards abhyasa, because the disciple of rolling out a yoga mat and moving the body is created. Hatha yoga, especially within the Western world is often the gateway for people into the more spiritual side of yoga, alongside the science of the mind.

Vairagya:
Non-attachment from sensory objects is referred to by Sri Patanjali as “self-mastery” (Swami Satchidananda, 1990, p.23). In his commentary, Swami Satchidananda warns that non-attachment is not the same as indifference, but rather it is the ability to let go of the mind’s desires. This ‘letting go’ takes a lot of work, hence its relationship abhyasa. Gannon (2011) explains that vairagya is “facing something – even positive – and not identifying with it,” because while the mind may relate to something and allow it to be defining, the inner, true Self, is not defined by sensory experiences. However, beautifully worded by Malossi (2013), part of the human condition is to cling onto what we like and shun what we don’t like. Ironically this is what leads to most of human suffering as well; the inability to ‘let go’ of our clinging and aversion often leads to mental battles that if unresolved, lead to physical tension. Swami and Isherwood emphasise also that the practice of non-attachment should not be seen as a “kind of sel-torture” but rather the key to freedom.

My Understanding:
Sutra’s 1:12-16 provide us with the necessary tools to work on our minds and move towards a state of peace in our true Self. However, finding the balance between dedication to practice and working on lessening attachment is particularly difficult. Personally, I am goal driven, so I will put the effort in and practice wholeheartedly for what I want to achieve, but I am determined to see the result gained and am attached to it. This determination has stood me in good stead for example, in completing my degree, but has also let me down when results for specific assignments felt unjust and made me upset. The idea of sitting with pain, or joy or any emotion that exists, understanding that emotion and then letting it pass is a beautiful one on paper, but one I have found increasingly challenging. I am better at recognising negative emotions, and often I attempt to let go of resentment or ill-feeling, but it is a practice that seems forgotten in the ‘good times’. In my meditation practice, I often pull my mind back from making ‘To Do’ lists or mulling over events that have occurred. When I started, I couldn’t sit for more than 1 minute in quietness, now, provided my son allows me the time, I can sit for 5-8 minutes, though my thoughts do run away at times. To aid myself, I focus on an image of the Om, or use mantra.
I understand these 5 Sutras to mean that as a student, I should hold myself steady in my convictions and be determined in what I aim to accomplish, while also understanding that the results of my work are not mine to hold and lock away, but rather that they exist independently from me. These Sutras tell me that the journey towards the goal, of graduating, of more sleep, of a detailed plan, or anything else, is much more important that my arrival at that place. For this, the story of Narada telling the yogi he had as many births as the leaves on a tree before he met the lord, comes to mind, because it encompasses everything I am striving for: patience, acceptance and joy.

References: