friendship

Day 30 – 3am Thought Spiral

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Last night I thought I’d missed something, when I checked and realised I’d already written for the day. It felt like a big win, becauee I had been organised. The reality was I seized the moment, and I’m so glad I did.

I’m half doing the same now, it’s very early hours, and I’m listening to babies snore; I got up for a wee and have been tossing around, so thought, “what’s the time?” and landed here.

In many ways I suppose I’m already intimately familiar with the early hours, 3 and 4am particularly. I’m not exactly getting reacquainted since my kids are often up needed cuddles or to change position, go toilet or even have a snack – though this is rarely. However, I know in the coming weeks I’ll be far more likely to see these hours with leaky breasts and nappy changing… and I’ll be experiencing the darkness of not quite morning in whole new ways.

It’s day 30 now, and I’m genuinely considering joining a container where for 7 weeks there’ll be daily prompts, knowing full well I cannot 100% guarantee I’ll even have 2 of those 7… but also knowing that I might have nearly all, and it’s something I’ve been looking at for over a year. If I do, I’ll have the last 10 days of this 40 day practice, alongside packing and new writing prompts… and I keep thinking how exciting it is. Other voices (who I deeply respect, value and have asked opinions of) have concerns that I’m not resting enough. I probably am not, but that’s more based on having 3 kids under 7 and a 10 month old labrador so I am still gallivanting on adventures regularly through the week.

I don’t want to open the door of relying on technology to fill gaps just yet, because I know in the early days of new baby, I will lean on tablets and TV more; something I’m entirely at home with, becauee honouring a restful period of postpartum means I want to spend many of my first days with baby in bed, and that also means cuddles, books, screens and space to hold my older ones.

For the first time preparing for a baby, I feel wholly content; I feel confident, and I am calling in seamless transitions. This past year of practices has changed so much for me, I cannot put into words just how much has shifted.

Last year, in early 2023 the thought of having another baby terrified me to the point of desperation. Now, 18 months later, it feels like doors have opened wide, I’ve cried more and shed many many layers in healthy ways, and I’m new.

An incredible creator I follow called Rebecca Oakiah says pregnancy is the gestation of the mother and it feels so absolutely true. I’ve learning so much from her and various other birthkeepers since K was born. I’m inspired by them all, and more confident in my own work and sharing than I could have imagined I’d be.

Truthfully I didn’t do my Doula training because I wanted to work in birth. I did it because I wanted to be empowered after Ps birth, so that when I had A, I wasn’t left processing trauma and trying to figure out life with a newborn. I knew Hs job would demand a lot, and I was resourcing myself in the way I knew how – learning from people who’d been there before me.

Now I look back and see these life events were catalysing me towards a deeper calling. I was turning to the wise women, and looking further than my village because I knew that in order to learn and heal and hold others, I needed to be held myself. I found wisdom in spaces and I have for the last 5 years inhaled it all…

Before P I thought learning looked a certain way, through the trajectory of school and uni, I planned a masters and career and all the ‘normal’ path kind of things. I thought that’s what I should do, and ought to do.

Even after he was born it was still my plan… though I’d begun to spiral away a little. Meeting other women in a retreat while I held him in my womb, and hearing their wisdoms. That was one the transitionary stages for me. Those women, my beautiful mother included, held a blessing for me, crested a web of well wishes and sat in circle with me.

I long for the day where I can sit in circle with women again. It is healing.

Tracking these experiences back I’m so aware of how blessed I’ve been, and I can see, though P was a surprise baby, his entrance to the world was the most powerful thing. I didn’t understand manifestation or anything back then, but I manifested him … just as, in other ways, I have all my children. I have in each circumstance send out some energy into the universe, not even consciously at the time, calling in these babies, these experiences, these path changes.

Now, at 4am, as I spiral into the memories of it all, I feel like there is an unfolding and awakening.

I am meant to be here, holding this baby. I am meant to be on this path, working with others who want to do the same. I may not be ready to support a birth and capture it (though I am in my heart) becauee my capacity is filled with the abundance and attendance to my own children right now, but I am able to offer support in every ripple I create.

It isn’t about fighting the system, which it felt like with K.

It isn’t about being seen and heard loudly like it felt with A.

It isn’t about being quiet and submissive or apologetic like it felt with P.

It is about standing with my feet on the earth, rooting down and being supported by the land. Land that I stand on where ancestors have moved across, land that I cannot reach, where my ancestors were rooted. It isn’t about anyone else… its me, my body, my baby, my family.

H and I said when I turned 27 that every year I step into my identity as a witch a little more. Witch meaning wise woman. Witch meaning skilled medicine woman. Witch meaning someone connected to the energy around her. The word Witch holds so much energy… it was used for so much harm, but truly, I love the saying that we are the granddaughters of the witches they couldn’t burn. I know it’s more complicated but this sentiment resonates. I am more confident in my radicalness every year… and I have little concern that it turns people away.

It also brings people here.

Anyway, it’s 5am, the kids aren’t going to let me sleep in and we’ve got adventuring planned for the day. So, for now, I’m signing off. This has been the most interesting few hours to write.

If you’ve stuck with me through it all, and foe the past 30 days, I’m honoured. If you’re just joining, welcome.

Thank you for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Life with a Toddler: Soft Play Mishaps

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Occurred March 4th

You know those moments when your toddler gets hurt and you know it’s partly your fault? I had a moment like that today with Theo in a soft play centre.

My tiny humans loves slides And usually the higher and faster, the better. So he went for it, with a little help we got to the top of the gym styled course and to the biggest slide. My friend and her daughter when down together, but Theo didn’t want to get on my lap, so, (foolishly) I didn’t force him. Instead, I sat down on the slide next to him and said we would go down together.

1, 2, 3, weeeeee….

Queue crying… queue loud, I’m in pain crying! He smacked the side of his face near the bottom.

The result: my kid now looks really roughed up.

This isn’t the first instance of bruising this week! He has tripped and fallen and been downright clumsy over the weekend, so this episode on the slide is just icing on the cake.

Oh and now he’s afraid of slides too.

My takeaway point: sometimes, as much as its great to let toddlers take charge during play, it’s also probably wise not to let them go down giant slides without sitting on your lap.

However, overall he is fine, so as much I feel guilty for not preventing the hurt, I also know he has learned a lot from it and will let me do it with him next time. We will tackle slides together another day and hopefully he will find the joy again.

The Grass May be Greener Somewhere Else But the Flowers are in Your Garden Not Outside It

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

A friend and I were talking recently about first impressions. We shared our first impression of each other and both admitted that we would never have pegged each other as people we’d become close friends with.

Initially, we both had preconceived ideas about each other, from a brief encounter on the creche run, and a few days later while our kids toddled around in the park.

She thought because I wore yoga pants, I had my life together and was able to find time to practice. Add to that the fact I was (and am) still breastfeeding, the impression she says that I gave to her was one of being an energetic and strong willed woman.

Meanwhile, having only had a short conversation with her about her daughter’s bedtime, I too assumed she was a mum who had her life together. Her kid was in bed by 6:30 pm and her house was clean and despite wearing designer clothes, she didn’t care if they got muddy or wet. She seemed so calm and confident; I felt like she was a woman who had life sorted!

Then, we got to know each other…

We started spending some time together soon after meeting, both putting aside the ideas we had of each other so that our kids could have a companion.

Our kids are similar ages (but at the moment even a few weeks makes a difference). Both kids go to creche 3 time a week together, and often in the afternoons we will take them to play outside or at one of our houses. They eat better when there is 2 of them, so mealtimes are shared regularly now as well.

From tentatively agreeing to our first play=date for them, we have come a long way.

In that time, we’ve learned that the reality of each other’s lives, isn’t as rosy as we assumed.

She might have managed to sort a bedtime routine out and taught her daughter to self settle, but daytime naps are rare and her wee girl almost a always fights sleep away. Until recently her girl was on a many month long food strike, relying on bottles mostly. I’ve learned what an absolute hassle bottles can be, how difficult it can be when you just want the day to end, but there is sterilising to do, and other mum-jobs to sort out. It can also be pretty damn lonely when after 7 o’clock the only things you can do are read, knit or watch quiet telly; especially in our walk of life where partners are not often home in the evening.

But while my grass is greener because my son does nap, he most certainly does NOT self-settle, wakes at least twice a night and I am a human pacifier. I regularly get kicked in the face too because we co-sleep! He regularly tests boundaries with the cooker, loud noises, scratching and hitting; recently he drew all over my kitchen cupboards and began to chip the paint off his small table! He is also going through a possessive phase and gets quite jealous whereas her girl is very easy going most of the time.

The point is that neither of us have everything figured out. We didn’t judge each other on those first meetings, and the result has been worth it!

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We are 18 months into motherhood and still call ourselves new mums; because the reality is that it is all new, all the time. Each stage is new, and it comes with new challenges. We put our kids first and learned that rather than ‘having life figured out’ both of us are muddling through the best we can.

I think that she is an incredible mum, overcoming some of the toughest challenges of daily life with her daughter as the number 1 priority. Anyone with eyes could see how much love there is, even on the hardest days; she researches, peacefully parents and tries to accept that while kids need boundaries, there is often a deep reason for them acting in ways we feel isn’t right (e.g. biting/hitting).

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Like most mums, she is doing her damn best, and so am I. We build each other up and help where we can. We water each others grass, and we are helping raise our tiny flowers to know that they have a lot of people in their corners.

Thank goodness for that first play-date. It morphed into something marvellous.