first impressions

I wrote this more than a year ago … for some reason, I thought it wasn’t right to share at the time. Perhaps because I felt raw from the day, or perhaps because I got busy … either way, I’m sharing it now. Because as I read it back, I realised just how much I needed my own words today… and I am so immensely grateful that I have this space to write.

With love, from a past version of myself xox

” I was on the bus today, and of course, bus trips mean lots of people. Always opinions, some lovely, others not; but more recently, as I’ve been building up to solo trips with the kids again in the better weather, with them all being older, and E, now 20 months having lots more opinions about the buggy; I’ve thought about how we use the time travelling to connect.

Today, we played I-spy, our version of the game, using colours instead of phonics, and sometimes throwing in the odd shape or physical reference like ‘tall’ or ‘wide’ instead. The kids sat, and looked around, and E started to whine because he was strapped into the buggy. Luckily, another mum got on, and the connection between him and her daughter began, until he fell asleep!

We (mums) chat for a while, talking about kids and coping; she shared some wisdoms about being a mum of 7, and I shared some frustrations about villageless parenting. We connected – over the shared experience of splitting ourselves into multiple pieces, stretching so our children could have parts of us, and simultaneously loving the chance and choice to do this, and being exhausted by it. I told her I thought her family must be beautiful, and I admired her honesty. She told me that it gets easier and harder, affirming that no choice is right, but that we do what we can with the knowledge we have.

A brief, meaningful chat, interrupted by a gentleman getting on the bus and sitting down adjacent to my older 2. “you’ve got your hands full” he said gruffly to me.

“Oh I really do” I replied. “Full of love with my amazing children”.

“Uh, not all the time I bet” was his response!

The other mum looked at me and we shared a moment of horror at the roughness in his voice.

“They really are amazing” I told him. It was our stop. We left.

And once again, I thought about connections. Some positive, some negative, all, inevitably will have an impact on our energy fields. Why do some people feel so harshly about children? Why do they judge when there is more than 1? What did he gain? What was so triggering for him? I wondered aloud a little, with the general cautionary calls to my kids about the road. I thought about how hard it might be for some people to see kids being so free and confident, when they might have never been given the chance to be so.

I wondered how my children felt. Though they know we’ve had these comments and conversations before, so they said they were hardly ruffled, more interested in the scrap metal yard instead. But how does this impact children? How do we make them feel when we comment about how hard they are constantly?

What message do we send when we say, I’ve had enough of you? Because in most instances they never get to say that to us.

Thinking about my children, and the brief beautiful encounter with this lady, I remembered a quote I’d read in an email this week by Rupaul that “You’re born naked and the rest is drag”.

Kindness costs nothing.

The appearances we choose every day impact every single human around us. We are born naked, and needing others to survive… as we grow we create costumes for ourselves every season of life… and yet, when we die, we return to the earth .. dust. The short space of time in between, in the costumes we choose may be brief, but it is so powerful.

The lady on the bus today gave me hope… and it was thanks to her, that though the gentleman’s words stung, I could brush them away, and hold my babies close. A year ago, I might have been brought to tears (probably would have!). Thank you, whoever you are. I am grateful.”

That’s it.

That’s the post. A short meeting that left a big impact.

Whatever your day looks like. Wherever you are in the world. I hope you know this:

You are loved. You are important. You are so much more than enough.

A friend and I were talking recently about first impressions. We shared our first impression of each other and both admitted that we would never have pegged each other as people we’d become close friends with.

Initially, we both had preconceived ideas about each other, from a brief encounter on the creche run, and a few days later while our kids toddled around in the park.

She thought because I wore yoga pants, I had my life together and was able to find time to practice. Add to that the fact I was (and am) still breastfeeding, the impression she says that I gave to her was one of being an energetic and strong willed woman.

Meanwhile, having only had a short conversation with her about her daughter’s bedtime, I too assumed she was a mum who had her life together. Her kid was in bed by 6:30 pm and her house was clean and despite wearing designer clothes, she didn’t care if they got muddy or wet. She seemed so calm and confident; I felt like she was a woman who had life sorted!

Then, we got to know each other…

We started spending some time together soon after meeting, both putting aside the ideas we had of each other so that our kids could have a companion.

Our kids are similar ages (but at the moment even a few weeks makes a difference). Both kids go to creche 3 time a week together, and often in the afternoons we will take them to play outside or at one of our houses. They eat better when there is 2 of them, so mealtimes are shared regularly now as well.

From tentatively agreeing to our first play=date for them, we have come a long way.

In that time, we’ve learned that the reality of each other’s lives, isn’t as rosy as we assumed.

She might have managed to sort a bedtime routine out and taught her daughter to self settle, but daytime naps are rare and her wee girl almost a always fights sleep away. Until recently her girl was on a many month long food strike, relying on bottles mostly. I’ve learned what an absolute hassle bottles can be, how difficult it can be when you just want the day to end, but there is sterilising to do, and other mum-jobs to sort out. It can also be pretty damn lonely when after 7 o’clock the only things you can do are read, knit or watch quiet telly; especially in our walk of life where partners are not often home in the evening.

But while my grass is greener because my son does nap, he most certainly does NOT self-settle, wakes at least twice a night and I am a human pacifier. I regularly get kicked in the face too because we co-sleep! He regularly tests boundaries with the cooker, loud noises, scratching and hitting; recently he drew all over my kitchen cupboards and began to chip the paint off his small table! He is also going through a possessive phase and gets quite jealous whereas her girl is very easy going most of the time.

The point is that neither of us have everything figured out. We didn’t judge each other on those first meetings, and the result has been worth it!

We are 18 months into motherhood and still call ourselves new mums; because the reality is that it is all new, all the time. Each stage is new, and it comes with new challenges. We put our kids first and learned that rather than ‘having life figured out’ both of us are muddling through the best we can.

I think that she is an incredible mum, overcoming some of the toughest challenges of daily life with her daughter as the number 1 priority. Anyone with eyes could see how much love there is, even on the hardest days; she researches, peacefully parents and tries to accept that while kids need boundaries, there is often a deep reason for them acting in ways we feel isn’t right (e.g. biting/hitting).

Like most mums, she is doing her damn best, and so am I. We build each other up and help where we can. We water each others grass, and we are helping raise our tiny flowers to know that they have a lot of people in their corners.

Thank goodness for that first play-date. It morphed into something marvellous.

Supporting you from pregnancy to parenting

Connection, Causal Comments and Costumes of our Life

The Grass May be Greener Somewhere Else But the Flowers are in Your Garden Not Outside It

Then, we got to know each other…

The point is that neither of us have everything figured out. We didn’t judge each other on those first meetings, and the result has been worth it!