education

Day 40 – Unbecoming

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Did you know, doing something for 40 days rewires our neurobiology?

It’s stronger than a habit.

It’s why, many yoga practices, or meditations etc do 40 days…. its a magic number.

When I committed to these 40 days, I was feeling really unsure, given that our house move is now in 3 days, I knew it would be a push, but actually, it has been such a grounding gift to be able to reflect and hold space for myself. To show up and to say, even when I don’t want to, I will.

I adore writing. I adore reading too, though I do far less of it than I’d like.

I used to think, I’d need things to be on point or have a theme in order to show up. It has boxed me in.

Slowly the self-censorship shackles are being broken.

On that topic, last year, I set intentions around self censorship in my breathwork practice. I was feeling very caged in, and much of it was related either to my own self imposed ideas of what was okay or not, or from what I’d decided comments from those close to me meant. I was frustrated and angry. I wanted change.

My intentions were around letting go of self censorship that didn’t serve me. Allowing myself to step authentically into my voice and feeling able to speak my truth regardless of the voices around me. That didn’t mean to be cruel, it meant, I needed to tune in.

A year later… I’m reflecting on this and realising, the thoughts and intentions I protected out then are my reality now without any real planning. I crafted it.

I won’t lie – it feels fu*king good!

Change isn’t instant…. but it comes. This process has been an anchoring of that.

I won’t continue to write every day, not specifically here at least. But I’ve got some incredible ideas for more shares that have been inspired the past 40 days; and I will continue to share on other platforms.

I consider myself a writer.

Writing is a part of who I am… and when I write, even (especially) if it’s just for me, there is magick in those offerings.

I’m off to write some more pages of intentions… crafting my reality for next year .. and beyond. I’ll leave you with this, a note I had written for myself in May 2023:

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and expect change or transformation to be instant? It’s like asking a pregnant woman to birth instantly, without allowing her the process and labour of love and transition she needs in order to bring life earthside. Our instant culture is ruining us… choosing slowness and ease is more radical every day.

From my journalling notes

If you’ve stuck with me these past 40 days, thank you. If you’ve been around longer, thank you. If you’re only just showing up, welcome.

There are many many transformations coming. I’m stocking up on spoons to be able to share them!

I hope you know, whereever you are, you are loved. You are important. You are powerful. You are so much more than enough.

I’ll see you in a few weeks, with love,

Rohana

Day 30 – 3am Thought Spiral

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Last night I thought I’d missed something, when I checked and realised I’d already written for the day. It felt like a big win, becauee I had been organised. The reality was I seized the moment, and I’m so glad I did.

I’m half doing the same now, it’s very early hours, and I’m listening to babies snore; I got up for a wee and have been tossing around, so thought, “what’s the time?” and landed here.

In many ways I suppose I’m already intimately familiar with the early hours, 3 and 4am particularly. I’m not exactly getting reacquainted since my kids are often up needed cuddles or to change position, go toilet or even have a snack – though this is rarely. However, I know in the coming weeks I’ll be far more likely to see these hours with leaky breasts and nappy changing… and I’ll be experiencing the darkness of not quite morning in whole new ways.

It’s day 30 now, and I’m genuinely considering joining a container where for 7 weeks there’ll be daily prompts, knowing full well I cannot 100% guarantee I’ll even have 2 of those 7… but also knowing that I might have nearly all, and it’s something I’ve been looking at for over a year. If I do, I’ll have the last 10 days of this 40 day practice, alongside packing and new writing prompts… and I keep thinking how exciting it is. Other voices (who I deeply respect, value and have asked opinions of) have concerns that I’m not resting enough. I probably am not, but that’s more based on having 3 kids under 7 and a 10 month old labrador so I am still gallivanting on adventures regularly through the week.

I don’t want to open the door of relying on technology to fill gaps just yet, because I know in the early days of new baby, I will lean on tablets and TV more; something I’m entirely at home with, becauee honouring a restful period of postpartum means I want to spend many of my first days with baby in bed, and that also means cuddles, books, screens and space to hold my older ones.

For the first time preparing for a baby, I feel wholly content; I feel confident, and I am calling in seamless transitions. This past year of practices has changed so much for me, I cannot put into words just how much has shifted.

Last year, in early 2023 the thought of having another baby terrified me to the point of desperation. Now, 18 months later, it feels like doors have opened wide, I’ve cried more and shed many many layers in healthy ways, and I’m new.

An incredible creator I follow called Rebecca Oakiah says pregnancy is the gestation of the mother and it feels so absolutely true. I’ve learning so much from her and various other birthkeepers since K was born. I’m inspired by them all, and more confident in my own work and sharing than I could have imagined I’d be.

Truthfully I didn’t do my Doula training because I wanted to work in birth. I did it because I wanted to be empowered after Ps birth, so that when I had A, I wasn’t left processing trauma and trying to figure out life with a newborn. I knew Hs job would demand a lot, and I was resourcing myself in the way I knew how – learning from people who’d been there before me.

Now I look back and see these life events were catalysing me towards a deeper calling. I was turning to the wise women, and looking further than my village because I knew that in order to learn and heal and hold others, I needed to be held myself. I found wisdom in spaces and I have for the last 5 years inhaled it all…

Before P I thought learning looked a certain way, through the trajectory of school and uni, I planned a masters and career and all the ‘normal’ path kind of things. I thought that’s what I should do, and ought to do.

Even after he was born it was still my plan… though I’d begun to spiral away a little. Meeting other women in a retreat while I held him in my womb, and hearing their wisdoms. That was one the transitionary stages for me. Those women, my beautiful mother included, held a blessing for me, crested a web of well wishes and sat in circle with me.

I long for the day where I can sit in circle with women again. It is healing.

Tracking these experiences back I’m so aware of how blessed I’ve been, and I can see, though P was a surprise baby, his entrance to the world was the most powerful thing. I didn’t understand manifestation or anything back then, but I manifested him … just as, in other ways, I have all my children. I have in each circumstance send out some energy into the universe, not even consciously at the time, calling in these babies, these experiences, these path changes.

Now, at 4am, as I spiral into the memories of it all, I feel like there is an unfolding and awakening.

I am meant to be here, holding this baby. I am meant to be on this path, working with others who want to do the same. I may not be ready to support a birth and capture it (though I am in my heart) becauee my capacity is filled with the abundance and attendance to my own children right now, but I am able to offer support in every ripple I create.

It isn’t about fighting the system, which it felt like with K.

It isn’t about being seen and heard loudly like it felt with A.

It isn’t about being quiet and submissive or apologetic like it felt with P.

It is about standing with my feet on the earth, rooting down and being supported by the land. Land that I stand on where ancestors have moved across, land that I cannot reach, where my ancestors were rooted. It isn’t about anyone else… its me, my body, my baby, my family.

H and I said when I turned 27 that every year I step into my identity as a witch a little more. Witch meaning wise woman. Witch meaning skilled medicine woman. Witch meaning someone connected to the energy around her. The word Witch holds so much energy… it was used for so much harm, but truly, I love the saying that we are the granddaughters of the witches they couldn’t burn. I know it’s more complicated but this sentiment resonates. I am more confident in my radicalness every year… and I have little concern that it turns people away.

It also brings people here.

Anyway, it’s 5am, the kids aren’t going to let me sleep in and we’ve got adventuring planned for the day. So, for now, I’m signing off. This has been the most interesting few hours to write.

If you’ve stuck with me through it all, and foe the past 30 days, I’m honoured. If you’re just joining, welcome.

Thank you for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Day 29 – Technology

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’m writing this on my laptop instead of my phone; which honestly I prefer, but alas, isn’t by choice.

My phone got wet during my adventuring with a friend yesterday – and I cannot complain given that she accidentally submerged an entire camera lens! We both had a lot of fun, and there are some casualties… but fingers crossed, time and allowing them to dry will be absolutely fine.

That said, my kiddos are still in bed, so I’ve quickly pulled up the laptop and been researching how to charge my phone wirelessly via my husbands, before he leaves for work today, and I am both grateful for technology, and so dependent on it at times. I CAN switch off… and have multiple times over the last year and a half, but ultimately, return to tech because it is a way to stay connected. I find myself in containers feeling seen and heard, and it allows me to both learn, be challenged and be affirmed in my beliefs raising my children.

I am in the generation where phones weren’t the norm at first, where I remember dial up internet and MSN, and I remember my best friend at the time making me my very first email account on her computer. We had a dinosaur computer at home, and when we got a flat screen monitor is was weird!

BUT, I am also in the generation of snapchat and tumblr, and where technology boomed and phones became normal to have by the time I was heading to university. So, it many ways, I got a good mix of both. I wouldn’t want to be a teenager now, navigating the world of tech, and it’s definitely something that comes up regularly in our house as a concern because at some point our children will have phones and devices, and be connecting with their friends online.. and the dangers that come with that are BIG. That said, so are the benefits, as long as we are concious about them.

I didn’t really understand this growing up. It’s not that I didn’t need to, but I was weird enough to prefer making beaded crocodiles with fishing line and tiny tiny beads, experimenting with nail art and reading at every chance I got. Outside of finding music to listen to or using my dads and then my own camera, it wasn’t really until my relationship with H that I became more involved with technology. That feels strange to type out actually, super cliche! But, at least for us, here we are, 14 years later, married with our 4th baby on the way; so maybe it was just the right place at the right time… the universe having plans for us that we had no idea about.

My kids are getting up, and the dog is chewing something (I really hope it isn’t a welly-boot!) so I’ll sign off… day 29 feels like an accomplishment, and writing in the morning is such a joy. Most days I think of a million things I want to share but by bedtime, I’m too tired and my brain is fuzzy. Today, with a breathwork session already done, now this and I’ve had a cup of tea… I’m feeling like there is some winning energy around – even without my phone!

I hope you have a beautiful day,

With love, Rohana x