breastfed toddler

Recently someone asked me about breastfeeding my son and were shocked I’d fed him throughout my pregnancy with Ila-Rae, more I think than the fact I am feeding both together. Honestly as much as I wanted to support him, provide comfort and be a safe space, our breastfeeding journey through pregnancy was a rocky one. There were many moments I wanted to stop, but just as many that I was glad of our bond.

I have had a lot of outsider views given, mostly questioning, some judgmental and very few that have been extremely supportive. In the end, a breastfeeding journey is personal, some choose to share and others hide the fact they nurse into toddler years. However, I know I have resonated with others when they share, and so I wanted to do the same, because if even just 1 person feels less alone, or reassured, or takes anything at all that helps, then I think it is worth me being raw, real and honest here.

At the start of my pregnancy I had already been trying to encourage my son to feed less in public. I was tired of the stares and comments. I nursed him on demand at night and was exhausted, so when daytime weaning failed, I began to night wean. This worked, to a degree, with the help of a few night-weaning books and a lot of patience. After the first month of pregnancy however, I began to hate nursing.

I had a nursing aversion also referred to I believe as feeling ‘touched out’ when a child is nursing or asking to. I felt incredibly nauseous every time he fed, and with bad morning sickness anyway, this was something I began to dread. I kept at it, researched how to set boundaries and tried harder to encourage snacks or water or milk bottles instead. Nothing stuck, Theo wanted to keep nursing, and so I grit my teeth and reminded myself that he needed me, that I was a safe space, and that this wasn’t forever.

As pregnancy progressed I began to find it easier again, and I enjoyed him nursing, though he began to choose a bottle over breast because I was all but dried up. He nursed for comfort and I would set a time limit or count down for him to unlatch because if not I would start getting agitated again. He would nurse and play with my belly if we lay down, or sit on my legs and hug my bump as he fed; these moments are ones I am glad I didn’t miss, they made the harder times worth it.

On labour day, Theo was ill so he nursed more than normal; I held him close knowing he’d soon be sharing this precious comfort. Now with Ila-Rae here, he nurses more again because he wants attention and is jealous, but it’s a privilege (though exhausting yes!) because I am able to maintain our bond, and I am building a bond with my daughter, as well as fostering their sibling relationship. He will stroke her face or hair, and though not always gentle, he wants to help her latch. He also tells her to get off and has shoved away a number of times, but it’s a work-in-progress; we’ll get there.

Breastfeeding is something I chose, I am passionate about it, but I am also able to understand it isn’t what everyone wants/can do. I am lucky to be able to feed my kids, to provide their comfort and help regulate their emotions. Even before my pregnancy I knew I’d tandem feed, so maybe its my stubborn streak that meant I kept going. Regardless of how ‘easy’ it looks, or how much I enjoy it and share the good bits, there are also moments I want to give up because I want my body back.

I can’t even imagine why I have chosen this journey, but then I look at my babies and cliche as it may sound, I think that maybe this journey chose me.

Letting go of your baby is one of the hardest things a parent will have to do. Allowing them to grow is a beautiful form of torture because while your heart soars for them, it also aches. I am lucky to be a stay at home mum, so I get a lot of time with my toddler, but as a result, letting him go isn’t something I find easy.

My personal parenting journey has been a bit everywhere honestly. I spent the majority of my pregnancy and first year of my son’s life away from my husband, and 8 months into 2nd year of Theo Prana’s life, his dad has missed over half of that time. None of this has been by choice per say, it’s just the way life is for military families; we count our blessings where we can and we know how to make the most of time together.

Even together though, I have been the main carer and it began reflecting in the way that Theo Prana would settle, play and interact. Harrison has been back just over a month now and we moved from Daddy being the fun person who would play all the time, to the person who plays sometimes and keeps coming and going. It wasn’t fair on Harrison, and it was exhausting me. I want to raise my son to know that mummy and daddy can both fix things, feed him, settle him and provide security, even if one is around more than the other; we are both his parents and we both provide for him. That said, I had got used to being in control of the way things ran, so last week, by a little bit of a mess up and a huge nudge from a friend, I left Harrison to do Theo Prana’s bedtime routine – something I have done almost every single night of his life.

I should mention that Theo Prana still nursed to sleep by this point too, and co-slept; the boys were thrown into the deep end, and the water was rough.

They struggled… Harrison will probably remember that as one of the worst evenings he’s had in a long time. Luckily, Theo Prana won’t remember it in the long-term; toddlers are forgiving.

1 week later, Harrison is at work all week and Theo Prana keeps asking for Daddy both day and night. He is almost entirely night weaned with very few complaints until the early hours where I am sure he’s thirsty but refuses water. It feels like a miracle.

Here is how we did it:

*Disclaimer: I am not telling anyone else this will work for them, just sharing my experience. If it resonates, great! If not, that’s okay too… we did what the universe allowed us to do, and what felt right for our family.

Day 1: Bedtime routine went out the window, I was having a rough day, so I told H he could handle things from here and went upstairs to our spare room where my friend was staying. I had a meltdown because of how exhausted I was, and then we listened to the boys watch ‘In the Night Garden’, have a bath, read and finally, go bed. It took 45 minutes to settle Theo Prana. The first night in over a year he had been away from me at bedtime. I spent the first part of the night in his cot and got involved at 2:30am and we co-slept again.

Day 2: Harrison took the lead, and told me to go hide in the spare room again while the bath was running. He did the night routine and half the night; getting to sleep took less than 20 minutes. I slept in the cot again, and got involved at 4:30am, getting back into our bed.

Day 3: I spent the night at a hotel. I slept from 10pm until 6am almost entirely without waking – it was bliss!

Harrison and Theo Prana spent the night on their own, with Theo waking at 3:15am for a short while and climbing into the cot because it smelt like me. It broke my heart to hear but he settled with his dad, and I think this was a huge leap for them both.

Day 4: I put him to bed. Milk downstairs, not upstairs, he screamed and kicked for 50 minutes. I caved at 4:45am and gave him milk.

Day 5: I changed the routine. I fed him in bed, read a book and had him help me plaster over my nipples and say goodnight. It took less than 20 minutes and he slept for 7 hours without needing comfort. He fed again at 6am.

Day 6: Saying goodnight to the milk leads to complaints but not severe; he slept on and off and got milk at 6:45am.

Day 7 (today): Am beginning to think he is having a bit of anxiety over saying goodnight to the milk. Will work on it over the next few days/weeks with extra cuddles and lots of reassurance. He fell asleep in minutes today, was exhausted.

Somehow, we have managed to begin our night weaning process and it is hard but it is working. We have needed this for months now, so I am hoping that this allows me a little extra rest and a break from 4am hunger pangs! I love the fact our nursing journey can continue, but it takes a toll, so this allows us to have the best of both: rest and nursing without making him ‘cry it out’ or suffer. He knew (and knows) he is safe and we will hold him, and that makes a big difference.

If you are trying to do something similar, hang in there! It feels so incredibly difficult but you will be glad you stuck it out – I know I am already, and it is motivating me to keep going.

Supporting you from pregnancy to parenting

Pregnancy and Tandem Feeding: Our journey so far

Life with a Toddler: Night Weaning