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Day 40 – Unbecoming

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Did you know, doing something for 40 days rewires our neurobiology?

It’s stronger than a habit.

It’s why, many yoga practices, or meditations etc do 40 days…. its a magic number.

When I committed to these 40 days, I was feeling really unsure, given that our house move is now in 3 days, I knew it would be a push, but actually, it has been such a grounding gift to be able to reflect and hold space for myself. To show up and to say, even when I don’t want to, I will.

I adore writing. I adore reading too, though I do far less of it than I’d like.

I used to think, I’d need things to be on point or have a theme in order to show up. It has boxed me in.

Slowly the self-censorship shackles are being broken.

On that topic, last year, I set intentions around self censorship in my breathwork practice. I was feeling very caged in, and much of it was related either to my own self imposed ideas of what was okay or not, or from what I’d decided comments from those close to me meant. I was frustrated and angry. I wanted change.

My intentions were around letting go of self censorship that didn’t serve me. Allowing myself to step authentically into my voice and feeling able to speak my truth regardless of the voices around me. That didn’t mean to be cruel, it meant, I needed to tune in.

A year later… I’m reflecting on this and realising, the thoughts and intentions I protected out then are my reality now without any real planning. I crafted it.

I won’t lie – it feels fu*king good!

Change isn’t instant…. but it comes. This process has been an anchoring of that.

I won’t continue to write every day, not specifically here at least. But I’ve got some incredible ideas for more shares that have been inspired the past 40 days; and I will continue to share on other platforms.

I consider myself a writer.

Writing is a part of who I am… and when I write, even (especially) if it’s just for me, there is magick in those offerings.

I’m off to write some more pages of intentions… crafting my reality for next year .. and beyond. I’ll leave you with this, a note I had written for myself in May 2023:

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and expect change or transformation to be instant? It’s like asking a pregnant woman to birth instantly, without allowing her the process and labour of love and transition she needs in order to bring life earthside. Our instant culture is ruining us… choosing slowness and ease is more radical every day.

From my journalling notes

If you’ve stuck with me these past 40 days, thank you. If you’ve been around longer, thank you. If you’re only just showing up, welcome.

There are many many transformations coming. I’m stocking up on spoons to be able to share them!

I hope you know, whereever you are, you are loved. You are important. You are powerful. You are so much more than enough.

I’ll see you in a few weeks, with love,

Rohana

Day 10 – we can disgree on some stuff

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

It has been an epic day, topped off with a (half) surprise visit from my dad which has the kids buzzing! A went back to preschool after a few weeks off, and she had a great day, while P, K and dragon (bump) chilled at home, got messy with some paint and played. Then we all went after pick-up for a playdate dinner at a friends house.

This friend of mine is honestly so lovely, and she pulled out ALL the stops! She made me food and fed the kids, and they played for hours together while we chat, got involved and watched them.

We spoke about some kids stuff, and then about our plans etc, and then we got into birth imprints – something I have been diving deep into, and something I am very cautious about talking about. I trusted that she is/was a safe person to chat about this with, and we ended up in a deep conversation about my own experiences, experiences with P and some of her own stories. In the middle of it all, she said something that really stuck with me about our opinions differing, and I thought, yes absolutely! I know I am radical in some of my choices, and that’s absolutely fine – but chatting and opening up doesn’t mean I think any of her choices were less valid or important, or that the opinions she (or anyone holds) matter less than my own. Essentially, in my head it came down to, informed choice, informed consent, working through what we can within the resources available to us, AND respecting that others will do differently.

However…. while this was a topic we could absolutely disagree on because life experiences and circumstances had led us down different paths; and we were both happy; there are other things that are a bit more black and white to me.

I came home and my wild babies jumped on my dad to play. They were joyfully settled… and so as I pottered, I opened my phone to the news of more destruction, more violence, more insanity, and I thought, how can we live in a world where some opinions are so okay to be different, and yet others are such a blanket no. By that I mean, when it comes to birth, or parenting (to an extent), or screens, or food, or lifestyle fitness choices etc the thing that matters is respect, information and autonomy; but when it comes to political stances on the lives of children, I am pretty damn certain that I cannot and will not agree to disagree.

I text a friend the other day saying it feels like I spent 3 years studying politics and international relations for absolutely nothing. It is so disheartening, and feels like the hunger games, where the whyte governments are the capitol and the rest of us are watching as Isr3hell plays games with the lives of those in the occupied territories. I don’t understand how the world is still functioning sometimes, when there is so much collective wounding going on. It begins to break me.

So… I remind myself, that though there is collective pain, there is also mass collective healing and collective joy, in the face of all the chaos – which is ultimately an act of rebellion. We will not lose hope! Just as I believe rest is a radical act of rebellion in mothering within a society that demonizes rest and links worth to productivity, especially for those of global majority and bodies of culture; I also believe that despite the despair I sometimes feel towards situations of horror, every single drop in the ocean of healing IS doing the work. Healing at the level of the nervous system is profound, and the ripples we create are a force of good.

It feels too big… and then I think, my babies started off as 2 cells, and now they are walking, talking, opinionated and intense human beings with capacity for so much! If that is possible… isn’t anything?

Enough of my waffling… for now, goodnight.

With love,

Rohana x