40 days of writing

Day 40 – Unbecoming

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Did you know, doing something for 40 days rewires our neurobiology?

It’s stronger than a habit.

It’s why, many yoga practices, or meditations etc do 40 days…. its a magic number.

When I committed to these 40 days, I was feeling really unsure, given that our house move is now in 3 days, I knew it would be a push, but actually, it has been such a grounding gift to be able to reflect and hold space for myself. To show up and to say, even when I don’t want to, I will.

I adore writing. I adore reading too, though I do far less of it than I’d like.

I used to think, I’d need things to be on point or have a theme in order to show up. It has boxed me in.

Slowly the self-censorship shackles are being broken.

On that topic, last year, I set intentions around self censorship in my breathwork practice. I was feeling very caged in, and much of it was related either to my own self imposed ideas of what was okay or not, or from what I’d decided comments from those close to me meant. I was frustrated and angry. I wanted change.

My intentions were around letting go of self censorship that didn’t serve me. Allowing myself to step authentically into my voice and feeling able to speak my truth regardless of the voices around me. That didn’t mean to be cruel, it meant, I needed to tune in.

A year later… I’m reflecting on this and realising, the thoughts and intentions I protected out then are my reality now without any real planning. I crafted it.

I won’t lie – it feels fu*king good!

Change isn’t instant…. but it comes. This process has been an anchoring of that.

I won’t continue to write every day, not specifically here at least. But I’ve got some incredible ideas for more shares that have been inspired the past 40 days; and I will continue to share on other platforms.

I consider myself a writer.

Writing is a part of who I am… and when I write, even (especially) if it’s just for me, there is magick in those offerings.

I’m off to write some more pages of intentions… crafting my reality for next year .. and beyond. I’ll leave you with this, a note I had written for myself in May 2023:

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and expect change or transformation to be instant? It’s like asking a pregnant woman to birth instantly, without allowing her the process and labour of love and transition she needs in order to bring life earthside. Our instant culture is ruining us… choosing slowness and ease is more radical every day.

From my journalling notes

If you’ve stuck with me these past 40 days, thank you. If you’ve been around longer, thank you. If you’re only just showing up, welcome.

There are many many transformations coming. I’m stocking up on spoons to be able to share them!

I hope you know, whereever you are, you are loved. You are important. You are powerful. You are so much more than enough.

I’ll see you in a few weeks, with love,

Rohana

Day 30 – 3am Thought Spiral

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Last night I thought I’d missed something, when I checked and realised I’d already written for the day. It felt like a big win, becauee I had been organised. The reality was I seized the moment, and I’m so glad I did.

I’m half doing the same now, it’s very early hours, and I’m listening to babies snore; I got up for a wee and have been tossing around, so thought, “what’s the time?” and landed here.

In many ways I suppose I’m already intimately familiar with the early hours, 3 and 4am particularly. I’m not exactly getting reacquainted since my kids are often up needed cuddles or to change position, go toilet or even have a snack – though this is rarely. However, I know in the coming weeks I’ll be far more likely to see these hours with leaky breasts and nappy changing… and I’ll be experiencing the darkness of not quite morning in whole new ways.

It’s day 30 now, and I’m genuinely considering joining a container where for 7 weeks there’ll be daily prompts, knowing full well I cannot 100% guarantee I’ll even have 2 of those 7… but also knowing that I might have nearly all, and it’s something I’ve been looking at for over a year. If I do, I’ll have the last 10 days of this 40 day practice, alongside packing and new writing prompts… and I keep thinking how exciting it is. Other voices (who I deeply respect, value and have asked opinions of) have concerns that I’m not resting enough. I probably am not, but that’s more based on having 3 kids under 7 and a 10 month old labrador so I am still gallivanting on adventures regularly through the week.

I don’t want to open the door of relying on technology to fill gaps just yet, because I know in the early days of new baby, I will lean on tablets and TV more; something I’m entirely at home with, becauee honouring a restful period of postpartum means I want to spend many of my first days with baby in bed, and that also means cuddles, books, screens and space to hold my older ones.

For the first time preparing for a baby, I feel wholly content; I feel confident, and I am calling in seamless transitions. This past year of practices has changed so much for me, I cannot put into words just how much has shifted.

Last year, in early 2023 the thought of having another baby terrified me to the point of desperation. Now, 18 months later, it feels like doors have opened wide, I’ve cried more and shed many many layers in healthy ways, and I’m new.

An incredible creator I follow called Rebecca Oakiah says pregnancy is the gestation of the mother and it feels so absolutely true. I’ve learning so much from her and various other birthkeepers since K was born. I’m inspired by them all, and more confident in my own work and sharing than I could have imagined I’d be.

Truthfully I didn’t do my Doula training because I wanted to work in birth. I did it because I wanted to be empowered after Ps birth, so that when I had A, I wasn’t left processing trauma and trying to figure out life with a newborn. I knew Hs job would demand a lot, and I was resourcing myself in the way I knew how – learning from people who’d been there before me.

Now I look back and see these life events were catalysing me towards a deeper calling. I was turning to the wise women, and looking further than my village because I knew that in order to learn and heal and hold others, I needed to be held myself. I found wisdom in spaces and I have for the last 5 years inhaled it all…

Before P I thought learning looked a certain way, through the trajectory of school and uni, I planned a masters and career and all the ‘normal’ path kind of things. I thought that’s what I should do, and ought to do.

Even after he was born it was still my plan… though I’d begun to spiral away a little. Meeting other women in a retreat while I held him in my womb, and hearing their wisdoms. That was one the transitionary stages for me. Those women, my beautiful mother included, held a blessing for me, crested a web of well wishes and sat in circle with me.

I long for the day where I can sit in circle with women again. It is healing.

Tracking these experiences back I’m so aware of how blessed I’ve been, and I can see, though P was a surprise baby, his entrance to the world was the most powerful thing. I didn’t understand manifestation or anything back then, but I manifested him … just as, in other ways, I have all my children. I have in each circumstance send out some energy into the universe, not even consciously at the time, calling in these babies, these experiences, these path changes.

Now, at 4am, as I spiral into the memories of it all, I feel like there is an unfolding and awakening.

I am meant to be here, holding this baby. I am meant to be on this path, working with others who want to do the same. I may not be ready to support a birth and capture it (though I am in my heart) becauee my capacity is filled with the abundance and attendance to my own children right now, but I am able to offer support in every ripple I create.

It isn’t about fighting the system, which it felt like with K.

It isn’t about being seen and heard loudly like it felt with A.

It isn’t about being quiet and submissive or apologetic like it felt with P.

It is about standing with my feet on the earth, rooting down and being supported by the land. Land that I stand on where ancestors have moved across, land that I cannot reach, where my ancestors were rooted. It isn’t about anyone else… its me, my body, my baby, my family.

H and I said when I turned 27 that every year I step into my identity as a witch a little more. Witch meaning wise woman. Witch meaning skilled medicine woman. Witch meaning someone connected to the energy around her. The word Witch holds so much energy… it was used for so much harm, but truly, I love the saying that we are the granddaughters of the witches they couldn’t burn. I know it’s more complicated but this sentiment resonates. I am more confident in my radicalness every year… and I have little concern that it turns people away.

It also brings people here.

Anyway, it’s 5am, the kids aren’t going to let me sleep in and we’ve got adventuring planned for the day. So, for now, I’m signing off. This has been the most interesting few hours to write.

If you’ve stuck with me through it all, and foe the past 30 days, I’m honoured. If you’re just joining, welcome.

Thank you for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Day 24 – Democracy is Dead

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

What the fuck is the point in pretending anymore? I am so tired of this “democracy” and “free the hostages” narrative spat out by the media… and yes I’m getting political tonight.

Actually every single day I am political… not only in the news I share and consume, but more so in the way I raise my kids.

No, I don’t tell them the excruciating information about the atrocities in the Democratic Republic of Congo, or Yemmen, or Palestine, or Sudan. I don’t share with them the images, and work hard to avoid them catching glimpses… because they are too much. I can’t talk to them about violence against women yet… because right now, I’m laying foundations that do not need to be layered with fear and horror, and I am acutely aware that this in itself is privilege.

I have however shared that in some places, there are people eating grasshoppers because there is no food. That we don’t go to McDonald’s because big companies like them (and the list is LONG) are spending money on bombs that kill people like us. That there are people who control others  and that sometimes, people do horrible things because they are greedy for power. Power is absolutely a topical word in our home recently.

When the ICJ trial was on between South Africa and Isreal, I played pokemon court with my oldest child. My partner and I have different opinions about how involved our kids should get… and his concerns are valid, so through play and story, we have conversations about equity, life and how we can do our part in the ways that we can.

This morning as I watched them, I saw just how deeply political this life is. How I am raising future custodians of our planet, and I thought about how this means teaching them by being aligned myself.

Tonight, I feel like the pendulum has swung the other way, and I want to scream. I want to howl and grieve the losses of every single child that has been murdered.

I want to dance in celebration and solidarity with the students protesting.

I want to shake the world… and make sense of it… and in feeling this feeling, I know 2 things; once my children sleep I need to roll out my yoga mat and center myself, AND there are tides changing in the collective consciousness. I might be called radical because of many choices … but seeing just how messed up this is isn’t radical. It’s the only sane response to the madness of the last 8 months.

Palestine has been a calayst to the world waking.

Randomly today, P asked me to explain the word “dismantle” to him. I asked for context (something we’ve been practicing) and we worked out what it meant. All the while I was thinking… if we dismantle the systems of oppression and violence in birth, and within a generation, the effects will ripple outwards catalysing mass change. Not quite the explanation he was after, but it’s been rattling around in my brain since.

There is so much violence in birth.

There is so much violence in parenting.

Is it really surprising that the world, controlled by traumatised (mostly) men is really as fucked up as it is right now ?

If we had a whole generation of children born, in supported, empowered environment, with parents who felt safe and supported in the formative years, the ripple of these children, feeling understood, seen and held regardless of their day, would be immense.

It brings me hope… and also rage. Because change is so possible… BUT systemic change is required… and until more people rebel, change won’t come. We don’t have to riot… but we do have to wake up… and this society is built on a majority of the population sleepwalking through their life… not asking questions, paying the bills, and being silent.

I’m tired of pretending… of living my life and washing my dishes and taking my kids to the park while children just like mine are blown apart or starved.

My kids may not understand all of it, and I hope when they’re older they’ll see why I try to protect their innocence, in part because I know my ancestors had children aware of so much pain so young… but regardless I know I’ll be able to say I did my best.

Parenting is the most political role I think there is… and screw the pretences of democracy – one thing I’m sure of is that democracy the way its marketed to us is dead. Right now, all we can do is figure out how to play the game of this society without selling our souls in the process.

If you have any thoughts, I’d love to hear them.

Thanks for reading, with love,

Rohana x

Day 11 – Sunshine, smiles and some midnight musings.

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Ahhh what a difference comes with the weather. I know I rambled about this already, but it was just so reinforced today with my dad here for a visit. The kids played outside while I got some house bits sorted, including more of our decor put away ready for moving, and then we head to town for ice creams and a park play.

These are the kinds of things I used to do all the time, and I think in part over the winter, I’d lost sight of how much impact the weather has on me.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy winter, because I do… but my kids struggle to get out the house; and so I find being stuck indoors very hard. I shared how much easier it all feels with my partner and he said “darling you aren’t meant to live life indoors” … he’s right. Generally but also because for my and my mental health, getting out is essential!

This past winter P brought up some of his birth imprints; including feeling rushed and pushed out before he’s ready. It came up in our getting out the house  which would take up to 3 hours on some days. I didn’t have the language for it all at the time, but now I see this need for absolute control as a way to regain some of what was lost in his birth.

When I first heard about them, I knew, birth imprints made sense to me… albeit a little ‘out there‘ in terms of understanding them. Working through this one with P – whcih outside of some play has involved ONLY working on my own nervous system, I feel so strongly about the way they can impact us.

Diving deeper and learning more has been super interesting and I am right in the middle of some books now, fascinated.

The changing weather helps us, because as it gets brighter and warmer, he’s more willing to come out. When we had a garden that was enclosed, he would spend hours climbing and being out… so I’m looking forward to this again. My intention is to build a space for them to really be able to spin and jump and play in the ways that they need for their bodies. His body NEEDs to move, and there’s nothing wrong with that… it helps his brain. Through the winter  he slowed down a lot, got into more lego and sat for ages, focused and content. Now, he’s jumping and climbing everything… I’m grateful to go along with as much as I can.

Seeing them play and find creatures has been epic. P spend a long time telling my dad all about different pokemon evolutions while he ran around or enacted different scenes. My dad, focused on looking for caterpillars, listened and repeated back all the right things to validate to P that what he was infodumping was important. Its got me thinking about finding a pokemon magazine or similar, to see if it’ll encourage some reading. So far, he adores looking through our pokemon encyclopedia and he is memorising the evolutions from there.

K, obsessed with bugs at the moment, pottered after my dad with a magnifying glass, thrilled to be out for so many hours with someone finding him all the things to look at and hold.

I haven’t dived into much of his birth recently, though I’m drawing on aspects of all of theirs as I plan for our next.

A was at preschool so in between house jobs, I’ve started making my birth plans … though I advise for a plan A, B, C and D, I’m starting with our actual plan, and then, our emergency one. Over the next week, I’ll be creating more in depth scenario based bits… and packing a bag I don’t intend to use. 

I have been very chilled so far, and as we get closer I feel really trusting that this birth will bring what it needs to. I have had lots of quiet and I’m grateful for it… but that’s for another share. Probably not tomorrow’s. 

For tonight,  I’ll leave it,

With love, Rohana x

Day 3

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

What a rollercoaster day!

I’m showing up here, reminding myself that I’m committed, and also absolutely exhausted. The day has been filled with noise from my kids, and my brain is seeking quiet dreams. As I type, my 6yo is cocooned in bed, chatting to himself, and the others are finally snoring.

P has just told me that when he cocoons, its because he’s tired, or sad, or angry, or out of energy. It’s his way of saying, this is a way for him to feel safe, enveloped in the folds of the the thick blanket, he enjoys the comfort, and seeks it out when he feels things get too big, or when he wants rest.

His explanations never cease to amaze me, because though I have already understood this tool in his toolbox, he’s verbalising it to me, and that feels expansive.

Tonight I’m thinking about creation. Specifically about the phrase create more than you consume. I bought the kids cameras after many many months of toying with the idea; and today they’ve been busy capturing all the things… around the house, each other, random shots and details, and of course lots of blank or blurry ones too. It has been so wholesome to watch, especially after our trip to Wales a few weeks ago, where they were all keen to have a go with my DSLR, and actually had a lot of fun posing for pictures and instructing each other from behind the camera.

It was the tipping point for me in buying these for them, and I’m really impressed so far, but of course aware that day 1 is novel, and so curious to see how they will stand the test of time.

They are creating… and seeing them create is one of the most interesting experiences of parenting so far for me. Seeing how they express their energy, create movement, games and different forms of art, each in their own way.

I find it strange to call myself a creative person, because through school I was often pushed to be more analytical, less creative, leaving that to the actual artists. Its something as I reflect on, I am determined to repair for my own children; because though I might not share much of what I create, I am essentially always working on some kind of creation…

From doodles to beaded animals, jewellery to nail art as a child and then teen, to now as an adult, cresting digital art, exploring watercolours, making t-shirts or posters, creating home ed resources or spaces in our home; and of course, art from behind my camera lens is one of the most powerful forms of storytelling for me.

Create more than you consume.

I hadn’t thought about our life in this way before, but I think we do… we are constantly creating, living in a dance of inner worlds, ideas, projects and plans. I’ve learned how to create more play with my children, and I see them bring new ideas to life every day.

We are creating, all the time.

It’s not a stretch then to think we create our reality… but that thought is for another day! I’ve got snuggles waiting with P.

💕

Oh, before I go, just for fun, have you created anything to bring you joy today? Can you? … go do it!

With love,

Rohana  x