I was looking through old photos last night from a few years ago. Family, friends, photos I had taken and then just left on my laptop because life got busy.
There were hundreds of them from the first few years of Ps life. Some made me cringe as a photographer, others made me stop and think “oh my god did I really look like that!”
But the ones that had the biggest impact were the ones of P; and of me with him specifically. They made me pause and reflect how little he was, and how much our life has changed.
Then I found some of me with A before she was walking and that flooded through a whole host of different emotions! During covid they were some of the first self portraits I think I properly played with and I had forgotten about them!
Then I found photos with the kids big expressions. The faces that they still make now, just as older versions of themselves, and the little smiles or scrunched up noses they have grown out of. There’s one of P in Hermitage Park and I can see so much of each of his siblings in the way his face lights up.
I love photography that’s no secret, but to dig through pictures and find captures memories of my own little family that I had forgotten was a beautiful gift from my past self. I am grateful to her.
It’s why I think it’s so important to pause our busy lives to make time for photography. It’s also why I’m so passionate about motherhood photography (and fatherhood/parenthood) because as the person behind the camera, I see the beauty of your everyday little interactions with your kids and I want to freeze them; I want to suspend time and snap up those ordinary exchanges and wrap them up beautifully for you to hide away and open in a year or 2 or 10.
That you in the future might have forgotten how your child whispered into your ear while walking in the woods. Or how they felt up on your shoulders with their wellyboots by your chest. Or how they gifted you leaves and pinecones because to them they were beautiful treasures.
These tiny details feel so big now, but in 2, 5, 10 or 50 years, it’s the photographs that bring back the smells and sounds to your memory.
That’s why photography matters.
That’s why motherhood photography matters even more.
It isn’t for the Instagram post or Christmas card this year.
It’s for you. In the future. The you that has forgotten. The you that misses these moments. The you that wants to remember.
A few weeks ago I had the honour of going to the woods, sharing tea and crafting a story of vulnerability, sacredness, and a reclamation of power. Before we started, we spoke a while and the depths of this shoot were clear, it wasn’t just about getting naked in the woods … it was sacred. It was about self love, worthiness, joy, grief, pain and pride. It was a reclamation.
I delivered the gallery for these the other day, and I’ve been thinking a lot about how the images I caught tell a story. A story in many ways about power.
It isn’t that we lose our power as women, but often that it is reshaped, molded, and flattened into something that just doesn’t align with us anymore.
This shoot was a reclamation of that power
A “fuck you” to the idea of staying small
An full body acknowledgement that we are sacred just because we exist
A rebirthing
Because while we cognitively can ‘do the work’ and tell ourselves that we’re okay, there is an incredible shift that comes when we lie in the earth and let ourselves be held in nature.
These images are a few from our time dancing in creation; they are deep, profound storytelling images… and I’m really proud of them.
From a shedding of layers to a reflection on what’s been learned, and dancing into new directions on your own terms. These images are in more than one way a message, to give ourselves the grace of processing, to honour the time and journeys we go on, and to ultimately find ways to put on our armour and take the roads less travelled – because there we can find our magick.
As always, thank you for reading, it means so much to me that you’re here.
A couple weekends ago we went down south to visit family and celebrate my MILs birthday. Naturally there’s a WhatsApp chat where all the photos were shared from the weekend, and one of the gems captured was this one.
It’s me yeah, showing one of my nieces how to use the camera. Not for the first time, she expressed a little interest and it was a real moment of joy to see her get excited about it. A little later, one of my nephews really didn’t want to get in the big family photo so I asked him to help me before we both ran in for it. It might have only been a second but it was a big win for me to share something with him, because I really don’t get enough time to know these family members deeply.
Anyway, when I saw this photo I had a memory come up, and then my husband asked me when I first knew I wanted to be behind the camera instead of in front of it. I stumped me, because I really don’t think there was a specific moment I knew, it’s just been something I grew into.
There were a lot of us over the weekend. Lots of adults, and lots of kids ranging from teens to my tiny baby. It was loud and busy, so of course my camera came with. Over the years it’s always been by my side for big days out, or when I know there’s the potential of overwhelm, because getting creative is a way for me to connect with myself and regulate my nervous system.
I’ve done this for as long as I can remember, from years watching my dad do the same as I grew up, it was a natural progression for me to get involved with him and hide behind the camera too. Of course, now I understand that’s what I’m doing, but back then, it was just what felt good in my body. It was a beautiful way to connect with him over art and it was an easy excuse to take a minute in a crowd.
My dad would bring his camera to group outings or on the family holiday. He’d snap pictures of us out with friends or document events on Gibraltars National Day while everyone else mixed in the crowd. I remember looking for him, and knowing 9 times out of 10, I’d find him behind the camera. Back then (ancient times I know!) he would upload the images onto the computer and spend hours creating slide shows of our adventures, and then sharing it a week or few later with everyone who was there. Now with my own kids and the progress of phone tech, when we see him, I can guarantee I’ll have beautiful photos sent to me without the wait. He’s visiting in a few weeks, and I’ve asked him to bring his camera.
I have picked mine up and put it down so many times over the year, finding that when life feels overwhelming, I can get creative and artistic behind my lens. Now I’m intentionally choosing to do it both when things feel good and when they don’t. Last week I had the privilege of capturing a birthday celebration walk, and this week I’m excited to be trying something new with a friend (watch this space for an update). Asking my dad to bring his camera is another one of those intentional moves.
I think about how my kids see me, hiding behind the camera and creating stories with it. It looks different to the way my dad did, but it’s something I am proud to be passing on. The chance to pause, reflect, capture and create … and then get those creations printed out to tell stories on our walls.
The day we ate apples on the beach after driving 10 hours Working together on a woodland walkThe day we got ready for babyBath time stories
And so many more…
I thought about how when I started to say that I was “hiding behind the camera” I felt a sense of guilt and shame, but actually, I’m not hiding selfishly. I’m gifting myself pauses, I’m gifting myself creation spaces, and I’m gifting my future self the magick captured in moments we’d otherwise forget.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Mary Oliver
I began to write a post on the bus the other day. I began one in my head as we walked. I began to think again while at the park watching Ila-Rae on the swings. Truthfully, my musing this month is that although my heart and soul want to be creating, writing, expressing; my body and mind are busy and exhausted. That’s okay.
I am only just out of the 4th Trimester with Ezra, and still very much finding my feet as a new mum again. Theo is thriving in his own way, and also challenging in others; Ila-Rae is the same. Both of them remind me daily that there is absolutely no point in trying to control the way they want to live their lives, because the only things I can control are my own reactions (or responses as I’m trying to reframe them), and the environment I create – to an extent anyway.
There is a part of me drawn to minimalism and so when things get too chaotic, I end up having a big clean out and resort – today was that day. Unsurprisingly therefore, I have finally made some time to write, because my brain and body are that little bit calmer within our environment. Yes the playroom is still messy, and yes there are pens ALL over the kids bedroom floor, and yes, Ila-Rae went to bed with felt-tip marking over pretty much her entire body; BUT they had real dinner, we played and had some wonderful connection, the bedsheet is clean AND we even managed to hoover up most of the rice and chickpeas from the sensory tray spillover. I’ll take this as a win!
Autumn has pretty much gone now I feel. Though we have had some sunny days, the nights draw in fast and the cold is beginning to make it self felt. This year though, Theo’s old enough to talk to about extra layers, turning lights off, saving energy when it’s possible – and as a result, he’s being conscious about it, which is both the reason and motivator for H and I to model using our resources responsibly. We’ve had some wonderful conversations regarding sustainability, and he’s actually even more excited to take the bus when we go out now, regularly checking that the fuel/energy being used by our family is not ‘too much’. It makes me sad to think at 4 he will already have a sense of climate anxiety; but I am also determined to make positive changes with him (and Ila-Rae and Ezra as they grow of course). The next big thing I need to organize with him is a neighborhood little pick – which sounds simple and cheery but with 3 babies under 5, it’s something I am yet to manage as whenever we do go out and pick up the few loose bits here and there, I always make the mental note to pack some little bags… and then forget.
Homeschooling
As Theo officially reached school eligibility age this year, I had panicked a little about the face we are home educating. I wholehearted believe it is the right choice for our family right now… but I am also someone who feels nervous about doing things ‘wrong’ and home-ed is very far from considered the ‘right thing’ from conversations with family and friends. Slowly though, I feel like it is being more accepted – or maybe I’m just getting better at navigating the harder conversations.
We bought Kindergarten Math with Confidence and I was so excited to start in September … but Theo wasn’t bothered and so I didn’t push. Instead we played and got used to life with Ezra around. Numbers though were still featuring heavily in his interests so we have watched a lot of Numberblocks on CBeebies and I ignored pretty much every part of me that wanted to quiz him. Until the last 2 weeks where he’s been playing with numbers, adding and subtracting and asking us to join in and throw questions at him. The joy he shows when he knows the answer is palpable; and the curiosity when he needs to try and figure it out is incredible. Had I pushed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. So I’ve been looking at the curriculum this week to find ideas for ways to bring in the challenges he is showing signs of wanting… and for now, we’ll go from there.
He has almost no interest in letters and says he has no need to read because he can read with an adult; while Ila-Rae will draw shapes and tell me they are letters… so already I see their needs are so different, even though she isn’t yet 2 (almost though!). He loves his construction play and so I am debating getting a Teifoc building set for him, but the cost is holding me back. I’m sure it’ll be worth it, but maybe one for the future – right now he is content with our Grimms Pyramid styled blocks that a friend made for us.
Lastly in terms of home ed, I’ll add that though we aren’t doing anything formal, I am going back to keeping records because of the court case in Portsmouth ruling in favour of the Learning Authority (LA), because it falls into the growing sense of worry that more requirements and restrictions are going to be placed on families who are choosing this path. I have an Instagram account that focuses more on sharing what we’ve been doing and I am also using pen and paper to journal important observations… alongside photographs because I always enjoy capturing their moments, but that is partly because of my own interest in photography. For now, our life won’t change really, but I am conscious that I don’t want to do things ‘wrong’ and end up with problems with our own LA here in Plymouth, or any other in the future.
Photography
Here are a few choice images from the last few months. My hope is that if I manage to make this writing a monthly occurence, I will be able to share between 2 and 5 favourites from the month past, and hone my own skills while I do so.
Inspiration
Currently I’ve got a few things that are keeping me going. Inspiration is one of those things that, in my opinion, is very personal, because we each have a different need that should be met in order for inspiration to feel authentic.
I subscribe to Julie Bogart’s newsletter and, although I don’t read every single one that pops into my inbox, a while ago she sent one that really resonated. She spoke about parents finding hobbies, to stop stressing over our children’s learning and instead, learn something new ourselves. To demonstrate a love of learning and a passion for a project or activity or anything really, because when our children see it, we are modeling a healthy relationship with learning. It really struck a cord with me, and so I’m keeping it at the forefront of projects or ideas I have. Maybe it’ll work for you too.
I’ve also been listening to Life Without School podcast, as a little reminder and breather during the week. The episodes are short enough and beautifully thought out. I love the honestly behind conversations and although my children are younger, I find a lot relatable.
Lastly, I’ve put reminders on my phone to smile more! It’s a small thing, but the reminder every couple of hours pops up and it is a way for me to check in with what my body feels too. The idea is that by reminding myself to smile, I am rewiring my brain in positivity – I don’t always want to smile, but the reminder is soft, and a happy word, so I soften my jaw a little, breathe and if I want to, smile. Rather than a reminder to meditate or do some ‘self care’ which ends up feeling like another job on the list, this is gentle and effective for me right now.
I invite you to try it… smile. Just for a second. Then for a bit longer. Deep breath through the nose if you can first, and then soft your jaw, cheekbones, eyebrows… and smile. 💕 How does that feel?
I’ll tentatively promise another update next month. With lots of things in my head, I hope to share a few projects then too.
My love of photography has always been in capturing the world around me.
The people around me, specifically trying to bottle their personality into an image.
I’ve rarely taken photographs of myself, and often chose not to be in them when others stood behind the camera. Through the 3rd UK lockdown however, from January to around April 2021, I began to experiment a little with self portraits – and found it incredibly therapeutic.
Its almost always when the kids are in bed, so lighting isn’t often great but I’ve learned a lot, and I do enjoy a dark, moody image. It seems to have a soul in ways that brighter images sometimes cannot carry.
But anyway, these are my choice few from Lockdown 3.0 :
When I went to university in 2015, I covered the walls of my room with blue tac’d photos of my family, friends and the recent places I had visited.
Photographs for me were a way to stay connected; to transport back to the tangible feelings that a memory may hold, triggered by the sight of them on my walls. It was a way to take home with me, and it worked.
Now in 2021, 4 moves later, I have a husband, 2 children and a bump… and my walls do not have photos covering them, but I take more now than I ever did back then. Photo’s are a way of documenting our life. Various walls have twine and pegged photos, which we swap out when we feel change is needed. They display activities, family, friends and our own every day life – to me, there is little more precious than preserving that for my children; so they grow with the memories and reminders of their life, and have stories attached to each one too.
Some recent ones 💕
I’m grateful for my camera
I’m grateful that I can document this… for our walls, our memory box and for our family.
I mentioned in my previous post that as part of my labour and birth, we had a professional photographer document our experience. She has spent weeks on these photos and they are more than I could have ever hoped for.
A short while into active labour, the bath was my choice of pain relief. The point where I felt I couldn’t do it any longer; exhausted and in pain, I felt like roaring and I wanted to sleep. Pushing And there she was. Nobody but me knew she’d come so fast, and I couldn’t physically speak to give warning. Pushing my daughter out of my body was the most primal and exhilarating experience I have ever had. Cord cutting Birthing our placenta: arguably more painful that birthing babyOnce checked, Harriosn prepared the placenta for collection by Danielle from AfterGlowPES who encapsulated it. Nausea during labour, and after. It’s related to the pain, exhaustion and hormones I know; at least this time I was prepared. Intimacy = oxytocin He was so proud, and so incredible. A fantastic birth partnerAbsolute perfection
One of the most incredible moments of my life captured. My only wish is that I’d had this documentation with Theo Prana too, but alas, we cannot change the past.
A huge thank you to Louise from Life In Focus Portraits for the beautiful photos.
Tonight my toddler is in his own room, in his own bed. It’s been 2 hours and he’s still fine, and part of me is so glad for that. He needs his own space, and I crave mine; yet I am sat editing pictures we took the other day and my heart aches.
Where has my little boy gone? The one who would I would carry in a sling; who would cling to my arm at night and wake if I moved away; the one who I birthed into this world and never left his side… he’s sound asleep, in his own bed, in his own room, and I am here; praying he makes the whole night, and aching for my midnight cuddles.
I knew he was ready, at least to try… but I am not sure I was.
My son brings the hardest days of life, the shouts for attention, the poo on the floor, the tantrums while out shopping and the cries when I drop him off at nursery. These are moments in the day where I question my ability to parent effectively, where I doubt myself as his mum, even though I know I am doing the best I can.
My son also however, brings the most joyous and perfect days of life. He fills the room with smiles and laughter. He jumps and spins and rolls for the pure fun of it. He runs through puddles, talks to snails and slugs, picks up leaves and flowers telling them they are “cool” and “beautiful” and says hi to passing strangers with a smile so big it makes my day. When he yells for attention I know he needs connection, when he has a potty accident, I know he tried, when he tantrums, I know the reason isn’t really the reason and when he cries, I know it is just him learning to feel.
I, probably like every other parent around, consistently question myself, but when the night falls and I breathe deeply, take care of what I may need, and wonder back on our day, I know with certainty, that my son is safe and healthy and full of joy; and really that’s all I need to know.
I hope he stays wild and wonderful for as long possible. Goodness knows the world needs more of his infectious joy.
So this last couple weeks baby and I travelled back to Gibraltar and left hubby behind in Scotland. The plan was he’d be leaving with work shortly after but some delays have postponed that slightly.
Because of all the travelling, and the fact Theo had chicken pox and then a tummy bug, photos have been scarce. I am using my dad’s camera now, and enjoying it because I am learning from him. I also signed up to a photography online course so will be starting that soon! I am honestly very excited for it.
Christmas is a week away now so things are very busy. Baby is lots better and enjoying the sun and the free reign he gets because its easier to chase him in the small space. Here are a few of him making the most of his freedom:
I’ll post more soon, it’s going to be a New Year goal of mine.
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