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3 steps to moving away from ‘Fight’ When our children trigger us

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The word trigger is a buzzword on social media, so forgive me for using it here. Being triggered isn’t something to take lightly, and in various contexts, can be a life saving mechanism of the body. For me, here I use it because the word expresses the causal factor to starts the chain reaction from an event with our children, to the point where we react somatically. It is the first domino in the line … that often, though not always, causes a rupture in our relationship (this goes for parent and child, friends, siblings and even partners; all in their own similar and unique ways).

Before I carry on; I’d highlight that ‘Fight’ is only 1 of the responses that can occur; and in a series of writings this month, I will be covering the other 3 as well.

Picture this: you’re playing with your kid, they’re having fun, you’re relaxed, the atmosphere is easeful. And then, they make a noise, or do something to hurt a sibling/toy or break a house rule. It activates you – you’re body goes from peaceful and playful into anger. The action or sound is the first domino, and your anger is one of the next. Your anger is BIG, you might not say anything, or you might shout ‘no’ , look at them in angry way or do something like turn away – they sense the change in energy and they mirror it… and then you’re both angry, both upset, and after a shout or stomp their end, maybe even yours, you walk away… angry and puzzled at how something so minor became such an issue.

Your whole body is tense. Your nervous system is right up there in anger… your sweet little child, in that moment became a threat, and your ‘fight’ mode has been well and truly activated.

It isn’t because you want it to be, but rather because ‘fight’ is a body response to threat, and our brains cannot really tell the difference between actual threat and perceived threat. Add on probably years of messages compounded into our subconscious about what is okay and not, and our habitual response is to get angry and want to fight out of the situation.

Luckily toddlers are graceful, and we can absolutely rewire patterns that mean we change the way we react. Understanding where ‘fight’ shows up in our bodies, and acknowledging it is the first step.

For me, when I get mad (often when my kids fight with each other and rough play moves to attempts at intentional injury) I feel it in my hands and my throat. I want to shout, my belly tenses and my hands tingle. It is a sign that I am out of my rational brain and have moved into my amygdala, the primal response part of my brain, and my body is in survival.

When I fight, I yell. I shout and in my body have my own little temper tantrum… something I have actively worked on understanding, healing and changing for the past 4 years.

Before I understood this, my kids felt like little monsters when this happened. I couldn’t understand why but I would feel so overwhelmed and wonder how they were the same child… sometimes I fall back into this but its rare now; usually even in my anger I can see they are doing their best and the first domino could have been prevented if xyz had changed. So after the rupture, we tell a story, and try and figure out what needed changing; if I should have stepped in sooner or if we needed to redirect etc.

So if step 1 is finding ‘fight’ in our body, then what comes next?

Step 2, is accepting it. Easier said than done, but it truly is essential. Anger is our somatic experience of boundaries being crossed or pushed. It is the way our bodies are communicating with us, well before we have fully processed what the first domino was. When we accept it, we dissipate some of the energetic charge it holds. We feel it, allow it, and then, as if by magic, being seen/felt/acknowledged, the heaviness lifts and we can change it.

That’s not to say don’t ever go back, feel and heal as needed, but in the moment, when we want to avoid major ruptures, or just know that now is not the time to explode because reacting in an adrenal response isn’t really the ideal form of parenting (unless it is because there is actual danger – in which case, ABSOLUTELY react! Get your kid out the road, away from the ledge or whatever other danger may be present) and moving into a grounded space is a band aid, but it won’t address the root of the problem. To do this, requires deeper, intentional work, not an in the moment kind of medicine. The bigger healing comes in many forms, and though I have my preferences, there is no ‘right way’.

Step 3 then, is MOVE. Make our bodies shake, laugh, dance, get out the room, squat down to a toddler/child level, bounce and then look at them to listen; stretch upwards and take breaths to feel your chest expanding as much as is comfortable, or, do anything that allows movement. Sometimes this means saying out loud “wow, i have some angry energy, I need to shake it out, can you help me?” which is especially effective with younger kids because it both affirms that it isn’t their fault, and it gets them learning how we can healthily change the tone of a conversation. I don’t have a 1 size fits all, but movement is my tried, tested and absolute favourite way to change energy away from anger and fight, into a space where we can build connection, repair if needed and work through whatever boundaries need to be asserted.

On a good day, I use this without even thinking, making a game or changing the play to include more movement for everyone. On a harder day, it takes intentional pause, feeling the feelings, saying sorry for yelling and making a choice to walk, move and make changes to whatever is going on. A bonus is getting outside in the sunshine if its available, or taking a bundled up walk to find something cool – again, way easier with younger kids, but not impossible with older ones; a walk to pick up a favourite snack, dinner ingredient or catch some pokemon or whatever thing they are into works as well.

And that’s it, 1, 2, 3. They are simple. They are accessible. They are also really hard to remember in the moment, and it takes practice (just like life).

Raising Humans ~ A poem

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall


My child is not a toy
Or a blank slate to be molded
My child is not bad
Or naughty to be scolded

His sister isn’t mean
Her brother isn’t rough

They’re humans learning to live
And life can be tough

We criticise children
Without giving them their dues.
Children are among the most oppressed
Of our society – though it’s not news.

We don’t respect them
We constantly correct them
We tell them to stop, don’t talk
We make them walk
Even when their tired

Our children’s childhoods
Are endangered
And it’s definitely our fault
Somehow we’ve forgotten
We’re raising humans
And so we default,
To old age tactics of shame and blame.
To bribery and tears.
We seem to think our children won’t be scarred,
By us belittling their fears.

My children are not blank slates
Or performing monkeys doing tricks
And neither are yours
Or yours.
Or yours.
They’re humans
And raising them is politics.


How can we talk to (young) kids about politics?

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

With the current state of the world and the International Court of Justice hearings the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking a lot about the way I want to involve my kids in politics; given that my educational background lies in the subject. I’m writing this after my son asked what I was listening to and so, I shared, in as much detail with age appropriate resources as I could.

Political discussions with our kids is controversial issue between my husband and I, because though we agree we don’t want to shelter them entirely, we also know that our children, (especially oldest) is highly sensitive, and striking a balance is hard. He actively worries about death, and takes a lot to heart; so not oversharing or making things too gruesome is a priority.

So what can we do? I think about these things: Share about what’s going on or hide it? Is there a line where its’s too much? Where is the line? What happens if we cross it? How much is sharing political views and how much is imposing our views rather than entering into discussion?

Keep in mind, my oldest child is not yet 7, so a lengthy debate with sources and citations is probably a few years away; but does that mean I shy away from it entirely? No.

Instead, I’m choosing to talk politics in a way that works for our family.

This means, I’m sharing the ongoing bombardment of Palestine and elements of the history including Oct 7th, through play.

PLAY is the way our children process things, so to me, it makes sense that we should talk about politics through play.

We talk about bodily autonomy, we’ve spoken about birth-rights, we’ve spoken about the climate crisis, all through play before; this approach works well for us.

Today, as my son asked about the ICJ and what was going on (he couldn’t hear it due to my earphones), and we were just about to go back to playing Pokémon, I decided that the best way to explain it was using the Pokémon toys and creating a battle scene, where some were fighting, others were supporting and then there was a court of judges (also Pokémon) who were being asked to listen to and pass a judgement on the battle.

In using the toys, the intensity of what is going on was transferred to the toys; which made it accessible for my son, but also gave me the mental space I needed to play rather than assume we can talk about the dynamics of the situation. In doing this, time and time again I am shown that not only is play a brilliant method of communication, I am also able to hold space, work through questions – such as “why doesn’t Squirtle’s team do it like this?” or “why can’t all the Caterpie’s hide safely?” in a way that gives us so much scope for coming up with creative solutions and brings in elements of problem solving and conflict management that, in today’s play, gave my son the chance to work it out between the Pokémon, so that when they did all figure things out, the outcome worked best for everyone.

I understand this is utopian; but it works for us right now. As they get older, we may add in harsher elements that give more room for understanding the scopes of reality, but that is something that will come through play too, as they process, ask questions and develop responses where they understand that there isn’t always a clear winner or loser in life. We did this with Star Wards characters a few weeks ago, and my daughter, though younger found much more joy in the stories, branching off in her own spins to talk about how some win, some lose, and some have to say sorry, help fix buildings and some get lost in space – demonstrating that it isn’t always an age or stage, but the tolerance a child may have to cope with events of horror.

For my daughter, story telling and drawing is one of her chosen mediums of working things out. It is her play. For my son, it’s imaginary play, with characters we act out or toys we hold. Both are valid. Both have room to explore complex human emotions and situations. And importantly, both give me as the adult, room for impartiality, room to contradict, and room to support; in a way that a political debate with real life events probably would not do so graciously.

This is our set up today.

If you are debating talking to your kids about politics; in any scope, I implore you to consider this approach. If you are totally against it but not sure why, I’d say this allows you to be distant enough that it doesn’t have to resemble anything, but gives you a chance to test waters. If you are already speaking to your kids about politics, I’d love to hear how those discussions go (if you’d be up for sharing of course!).

With love,

Rohana x

Recommended Reads – 10 of my favourite parenting-ish books

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I wanted to write something meaningful to start the calendar year. I’m still hibernating and retreating into my audible library, as well as actual real life books, so this feels like a fun way to share and be of benefit.

In no particular order, I’ll share some of my favourite books with either a birth-y or parenting theme. I’ve accumulated these over the last 7 years, so it’s not an exhaustive list, but if you’re looking for something good, I’ll say my standards are pretty high so those that make the cut will be thought provoking, note-taking worthy and sometimes triggering (in a growth kind of way).

I have read and listened to a variety of books, and some parenting ones don’t make the cut here because with this selection, I’d say you’ve got a fair balance of research based books, often that draw on others too, so I’m essentially trying to save you time – these are mostly easy to digest, mostly available as audiobooks, and all with information that will impact you as a parent (and human) in some way.

Oh and also, disclaimer, none of these are because I’m being asked to advertise them – I just had a moment of inspiration!

1. Raising Free People – Akilah S Richards

This book was one I didn’t know I needed to hear until I did, and now, since buying it in 2021 I have listened to it 4 times. It is like a hug. It is truth-telling, soul-warming and absolutely hard hitting in the spots where it needs to be. If you are going to read any book about raising humans, regardless of your schooling choices (because it is technically an unschooling book) this would be the one I would recommend. If you are considering a life without school, this book is, in my opinion, a must read! I was hooked from the very start.

2. Extraordinary Parenting – Eloise Rickman

Eloise is one of the most incredible educators I have come across in my home education journey. I found her by chance in 2020, just before the first UK lockdown. I have taken a few of her online courses and when she published this book, I pre-ordered it, knowing I would absolutely want to read every word. It did not disappoint. My copy has little post it tag notes, highlighted bits and dog eared pages throughout. It is an affirming read. It is radical and warm and about small revolutions rather than a big one, and it is through this book, and Eloise’s other writing that I first really understood the idea of advocacy for children, not just in my home, but globally.

3. Unconditional Parenting – Alfie Kohn

This book is a classic. I have included it here because it was my gateway into the world of peaceful parenting in 2018. It was through Alfie Kohn that I saw my son, not as a baby who I needed to look after, but really as a person beyond me. It was in these pages that for the first time, I didn’t feel guilty and overwhelmed, but hopeful; and though I still had so many lessons to learn, this book flung open the door for me to break away from mainstream parenting, in a way that I wasn’t confident enough to do so fully before.

4. The Birth Debrief – Illiyin Morrison

WOW. This book was immense. I listened to it over the course of a few weeks as part of a research project in late 2023, and it went above and beyond what I had hoped. What I didn’t expect however, was to find language and validation for my own births, because I thought I had pretty much processed everything there was to process – I had done a lot, but there was still enough for these words to feel triggering, soothing, comforting and then peaceful. For anyone who’s had a baby, or supported a birth, this book is a wonderful read.

5. It Didn’t Start With You – Mark Wolynn

The book was part of my 2020 lockdown book binge, because while parenting took up a lot of time, having both of us home, meant I got time to read and invest in myself. This is probably one of the hardest reads in this list, where there are triggering points, dull moments and overall a sense of ‘what is actually real then?’. It is also a book that I would recommend to pretty much anyone, parent or not, because it opens up the idea that we carry stories in our bodies from those who came before us. There are more recent books (I’m currently reading My Grandmothers Hands by Resmaa Menakem and this goes into similar themes), however, I would say that It Didn’t Start With You has a special spot in my own personal journey, and it feels more apt to have it here. The ideas in this book, epigenetics, trauma, ancestral lines, they are all themes that have stayed with me since reading it, and have informed many of the choices I’ve made to study, heal and break cycles where I can. Importantly, this book also gave me a sense of appreciation for the journeys of my ancestors, and though I wish I knew more about my family lines, it was through this book that I began to have the courage to ask.

6. Free To Learn – Peter Gray

One for the unschoolers here! This book was my first read into our education system and the way kids learn when we don’t interfere. It is still one I reference and I wish I had a physical copy because audible does only take you so far. That said, I know I wouldn’t have fallen in love with audiobooks without it, because this book was what catalyzed my decision to home educate. I was curious beforehand, but certain after listening to it; it showed me that I could give my children more than the school system could, and so far, it hasn’t been wrong. That said, while after reading it, I went through a period of being anti-school, I’m at a much more balanced space now where I can see the benefit it has for those it works for. This means, one of my children is in preschool, and my older child is firmly in the home-ed camp. If you’re struggling in the school system, it is a book I’d recommend, however, it absolutely won’t be for everyone.

7. Rise Sister Rise - Rebecca Campbell

Okay so this wasn’t really parent-y but it absolutely transformed my relationship with myself, and therefore also my children. Reading this book, doing the practices and seeing myself in a new light has catalysed my relationship with my children in a way that words don’t do justice to. It was in some ways the first book that made me consider how to be a good ancestor, as opposed to just being a descendant. In this, I also began to see that though we inherit trauma, we also inherit strength.

8. Playful Parenting – Lawrence J Cohen

I am slightly obsessed with the ideas of play therapy and this book brought a lot of them into accessible and ultimately realistic words which I could digest, contemplate and then implement. I read it in 2023, after I’d had it on my shelf for nearly 2 years, and I wish I had prioritised this one sooner. Probably one of my favourite books now, because although it was a little repetitive with examples, it also meant I got lots of potential viewpoints to consider and with my children each being at different stages, it gave me some really wonderful material to work through. It isn’t the most captivating read, and I had to put it down to mull over things at points, but for me that is a mark of a wonderful book.

9. Let them Eat Dirt – B. Brett Finlay & Marie-Claire Arrieta

I read this one in early 2020, and it was thrilling. I had been curious about much of the parenting practices where we give kids more autonomy and trust, but had fears over hygiene (to an extent) and so was worrying, especially after some illnesses and scary moments with my firstborn. This book highlighted why I felt uneasy about giving them medicine for the sake of it; why it was better to have a slightly ‘dirty’ house and child as opposed to hand-sanitizer at every corner, and why, when the option is available, a vaginal birth has many health benefits. What I particularly loved about this last point is that the book spoke directly to the fact that medical intervention is going to happen because in this day and age, not only can it save lives, but also create a sense of empowerment; and so rather than end with ‘vaginal birth is optimal’ it also gave suggestions about how, when birth is via cesarean, we can still provide our babies with the influx of good bacteria that they would get through the birth canal. As a newly trained doula back then, this was exactly what I needed to hear in order to support families through whatever choices worked for them.

10. There’s no such thing as bad weather – Linda Akeson McGurk

This is a book every parent should read. I’m guilty of hiding in ‘bad’ weather. I also try to a lot less since reading this. This book demonstrates how it isn’t the weather that is our problem, but rather the fact we aren’t prepared, or can’t be bothered, or in many cases, just don’t know how to brave a harsh day outside because it’s habitual to hide. I am someone who fully advocates for hibernating when needed, but equally, getting outside makes a world of difference for every single member of my family; this book gave me the confidence to find more balance, and to say f*ck it, suit and boot up and go get wet in puddles because it builds resilience and gifts our children the opportunity for joy all year round, not just when the sun shines.

The End

That’s my top 10. I could add a few more, but maybe I’ll do that another day. For now, if you read any, I’d love to hear what you think. If you’ve already read some and fancy a chat, let’s do it in the comments! And, if you have a book rec you think I’d enjoy, get in touch and let me know. I’m always looking for another good read to add to my giant pile!

For now, enjoy x

Rohana

Connection, Causal Comments and Costumes of our Life

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I wrote this more than a year ago … for some reason, I thought it wasn’t right to share at the time. Perhaps because I felt raw from the day, or perhaps because I got busy … either way, I’m sharing it now. Because as I read it back, I realised just how much I needed my own words today… and I am so immensely grateful that I have this space to write.

With love, from a past version of myself xox

” I was on the bus today, and of course, bus trips mean lots of people. Always opinions, some lovely, others not; but more recently, as I’ve been building up to solo trips with the kids again in the better weather, with them all being older, and E, now 20 months having lots more opinions about the buggy; I’ve thought about how we use the time travelling to connect.

Today, we played I-spy, our version of the game, using colours instead of phonics, and sometimes throwing in the odd shape or physical reference like ‘tall’ or ‘wide’ instead. The kids sat, and looked around, and E started to whine because he was strapped into the buggy. Luckily, another mum got on, and the connection between him and her daughter began, until he fell asleep!

We (mums) chat for a while, talking about kids and coping; she shared some wisdoms about being a mum of 7, and I shared some frustrations about villageless parenting. We connected – over the shared experience of splitting ourselves into multiple pieces, stretching so our children could have parts of us, and simultaneously loving the chance and choice to do this, and being exhausted by it. I told her I thought her family must be beautiful, and I admired her honesty. She told me that it gets easier and harder, affirming that no choice is right, but that we do what we can with the knowledge we have.

A brief, meaningful chat, interrupted by a gentleman getting on the bus and sitting down adjacent to my older 2. “you’ve got your hands full” he said gruffly to me.

“Oh I really do” I replied. “Full of love with my amazing children”.

“Uh, not all the time I bet” was his response!

The other mum looked at me and we shared a moment of horror at the roughness in his voice.

“They really are amazing” I told him. It was our stop. We left.

And once again, I thought about connections. Some positive, some negative, all, inevitably will have an impact on our energy fields. Why do some people feel so harshly about children? Why do they judge when there is more than 1? What did he gain? What was so triggering for him? I wondered aloud a little, with the general cautionary calls to my kids about the road. I thought about how hard it might be for some people to see kids being so free and confident, when they might have never been given the chance to be so.

I wondered how my children felt. Though they know we’ve had these comments and conversations before, so they said they were hardly ruffled, more interested in the scrap metal yard instead. But how does this impact children? How do we make them feel when we comment about how hard they are constantly?

What message do we send when we say, I’ve had enough of you? Because in most instances they never get to say that to us.

Thinking about my children, and the brief beautiful encounter with this lady, I remembered a quote I’d read in an email this week by Rupaul that “You’re born naked and the rest is drag”.

Kindness costs nothing.

The appearances we choose every day impact every single human around us. We are born naked, and needing others to survive… as we grow we create costumes for ourselves every season of life… and yet, when we die, we return to the earth .. dust. The short space of time in between, in the costumes we choose may be brief, but it is so powerful.

The lady on the bus today gave me hope… and it was thanks to her, that though the gentleman’s words stung, I could brush them away, and hold my babies close. A year ago, I might have been brought to tears (probably would have!). Thank you, whoever you are. I am grateful.”

That’s it.

That’s the post. A short meeting that left a big impact.

Whatever your day looks like. Wherever you are in the world. I hope you know this:

You are loved. You are important. You are so much more than enough.

Self study, dopamine and why I’m not worrying that my kid can’t read yet.

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’m currently taking a Chinese medicine course, all about Traditional Chinese Medicine in relation to women’s health.

When I read about it before buying, it sounded fascinating.

Now, taking it, I’m really struggling to understand anything, and as a result, I’m putting off the study. There’s so no dopamine hit at completing units because I think I’ve understood it, and then realise I’m still very confused.

I’m learning about myself as I go though, because nobody is making me do the course. I could quit. Nobody would hold me accountable, and yet, I’m continuing – at snails pace – knowing that if I keep at it, by the end, things should fall into place and I’ll understand.

I’ve got pieces of the puzzle, but not the big picture yet.

As I watch this unfold in my own life, I’m also reflecting on our home education styles and where my children are at. P is 6 and he isn’t reading or writing yet, he can recognise letters, and even some words, though will often choose to say he doesnt know. A is 3 and showing a bit more interest in writing letters, though only on her terms. If corrected, she gets upset.

They are both at different stages, both with different pieces of the puzzle.

P doesn’t get a dopamine hit from reading or writing in the same way he does from science experiments or inventing. A gets more joy from writing, but she also gets frustrated quickly. She loves making up pictures and will come tell me about them, and the delight in her sharing is something I am determined to preserve. To me, it isn’t worth pushing anything more that that, because I trust that it will all come in time.

If they were schooled, in this country (UK) generally, most kids are expected to have at least started on the writing and reading path by the age of 6 (earlier for many). If not, they’re the B word – behind! The pressure put on young children to write and read is immense, and I’m not immune to seeing others children and worrying about if I should push mine more. That said, even when I do worry, I come back to a place of trust, unpicking my own feelings of being ‘behind’ or not performing well enough when I was in school. This is the beauty of our choice to unschool – a label I’ve become more and more comfortable with adopting recently.

As I reflect on my course and study, I know that as an adult, I understand the long game and benefits of continuing even when it feels hard. The ability to delay gratification is a skill I work on, and in this case am leaning into. I can see that eventually the pieces will come together; and I’m giving myself permission to take it slow but also not give up.

As I watch my kids, especially P, I see this kind of grit and motivation when they do things that come from a place of pure love. When they build or draw or tell a story, or even climb a tree; and they fall or it goes wrong but they get back to trying, slower, learning, more cautious yet determined.

It is something so easily missed if not looking, but once you see it, the intrinsic motivation in our children is a beautiful expression of their humanity. The drive to accomplished something, not for a sticker or praise, but for the genuine love of it – it’s in all of us, stamped out by instant gratification systems and manipulative rewards.

I am learning to slow down more, lean in to the long game.

They don’t need to learn it; they already know it, innately.

When P turns to me and says, I want to read, I’ll be ready. When A asks, it’ll be the same. Maybe I’ll get the bonus joy of them wanting to do it together, a joint learning adventure.

Until then, I’m not worrying too much. I’ll learn for my own joy, and we’ll listen to audiobooks and read stories from the bookshelves. We’ll play and dance and take the pressure off… and maybe by the time I finish this course, I’ll be better equipped with new resources anyway.

As ever, thanks for reading.

With love, and a reminder that nomatter what, you are enough,

Rohana x

As they grow and develop their skills and understanding, more puzzle pieces fit into place. They’ll start to find more joy and less frustration and they’ll choose to both read and write for fun in their own time.

Radiators, Drains and Energy transfer

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

A while ago a friend of mine was chatting about energy vampires, and how the term really wasn’t fair because often people don’t mean to suck the energy out of others. Instead she said, she was taught about how people can either be radiators or drains.

We can radiate joy or love, or we can pull the plug, and it’ll drain out of us, and eventually other people to.

This really resonated with me, because I think many of us go through periods of being both of these throughout our lives, and sometimes, we’re neutral – though always a little more inclined to one pole. That said, life in 2023 is anything but binary, so of course, thinking about our energy contribution or contamination is the same; we all sit somewhere in the spectrum.

Where we sit is up to us. At least in part.

Yes Tony Robins will tell you that you decide it all, that you have a giant within and can bend space to your will; and I believe him to an extent, but I am also a neurodivergent woman who’s got 3 (also likely neurodivergent) kids and a 12 week old puppy. I know, that as much as I can decide something and make a plan, life happens. What I can do is figure out who the biggest energy in the room is.

Confused? Yeah, I was too!

It’s taken me a while to figure out what I meant when I wrote that down in a journal after listening to many talks and coaches and trying to figure out why I was still spending days spinning out when my kids and life got chaotic.

I can control what I do / how I react within the capacity I have.
I can check in with my body and see where the energy is.
I can look to find the biggest energy in the room – i.e. who’s the radiator or who’s the drain, and who’s winning?

If I’m with my kids and my 6yo is bringing all the radiator energy and LOVE for whatever the game is, I will absolutely give him the space to be the biggest energy.

Conversely, if he’s in a grump or screaming; I need to be a bigger energy so that I can help him through co-regulation. Fancy word, but all it means is I can step in to help calm without joining the chaos. Importantly, I need to genuinely validate the chaos first.

Then, I set the mood by leading.

I choose to drain the grumpiness away and instead radiate a more neutral feeling.

Does it always work? Nope.
Is it effective? YES!

Like everything, sometimes things change, sometimes I’ll try switching to fun and they’re hungry or too hot and the attempt at fun actually peaks a whole new drama. Sometimes, I just haven’t got the energy.

But regardless, as my son said to me recently “we’re all just made up of energy and molecules moving around” so no-matter what we’re doing, we are somewhere on that spectrum.

“we’re all just made up of energy and molecules moving around”

P, aged 6

I’ll leave you with these musings for now,

As always, thanks for reading. You are awesome!

It takes time to change

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

“You doing okay?” my partner asked today.

“I feel like a shitty mum and a shitty wife for dumping loads on you today” I replied.

“That’s what we do things, if you need help, ask”.

He just gets it.

So for context, the day has been SO good and also SO rollercoaster-y; like many many of the days in my life with the kids and now our puppy. We’ve had her for nearly 4 weeks, and it’s been the hardest time in many ways, and not because of toilet accidents or night waking.

I’ve had rebellion in the rain over shoes and socks at the park, and tears over wet bums and cold feet. Stomps because dinner wasn’t right and so many sibling arguments to referee today. It’s a beautiful chaos, topped into explosive territory because my middle and youngest child have started squeaking like squeaky toys around the puppy, and freaking out when she comes to play and jumps on them. So I’ve been separating the crazies all day.

Pretty normal.

Also a lot.

Which led to this text conversation… and me sharing my feelings.

And then, true to pretty much everything in life, especially with P, he couldn’t sleep. So started to chat about molecules with me; and we went downstairs to tidy up and set up an experiment.

3 bowls – water, ice and air.

He sat on the side; and watched, telling me the water would evaporate and ice would melt.

…

…

…

“It takes time for things to change mummy“

Another day, I might have nodded along and agreed without much thought, but tonight, he brought a much deeper lesson. He was talking about the molecules in the ice cube; I was hearing words that resonate about life.

It takes time for things to change.

And honestly, we live in a world that prioritizes instant gratification so much that waiting feels especially hard. We want things now, we want things tomorrow, we want things yesterday.

I think we’ve forgotten the beauty in the build up of excitement while we wait for things.

Its not easy, in fact, waiting is downright uncomfortable, and probably why I’ve been in such a weird headspace today; but waiting is a part of life, and the fact that he gets that; the fact that it’s just normal (ish) for him, makes me feel really hopeful tonight.

Wherever you are reading this,

Whatever life is bringing you,

Whatever changes you are waiting for,

It takes time.

So I’m here waiting with you, and want to remind you, you are loved, you are important, you are enough.

Thanks for reading,

xx Rohana

The Ripple of a Supported Postpartum Period.

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The experience of welcoming a new human earthside is a remarkable journey. I’ve done it 3 times… and the feeling I get when I share my experiences, and listen to others is incredible. There is something so sacred about birth.

However, though absolutely deserving of the attention it gets; birth is the highlight in media and many conversations; with postpartum being a little left on the wayside. For first time parents, there is some emphasis placed on the changes of this transitional period (though by no means enough); but after that, it kind of just dissapears into the noise of everything.

Postpartum is just as – if not more – sacred that birth.

As I prepare to deliver a session next month on the postpartum period to some wonderful Doulas in training, I am called to write about it here too.
In part, this is because, through the whole rollercoaster of parenthood, the attention, support and social associations between male and female parents is so different. I honestly cannot speak from stories of same sex couples; because to date I only know 2 same sex parent families who’ve had children, both of whom are female identifying. That said, we’ve all seen the memes where mum goes to the shops and is expected to ‘control the toddler’ versus dad who is ‘so wonderful’ for literally being a parent.

Nonetheless, outside of social expectations, speaking to men about their experiences postpartum – it is just as lonely, if not more so for them. It is isolating. It is hard. They receive even less support, with many (much needed) services aiming to support mothers as they transition into motherhood, and few doing the same for fathers.

Yet, it is, in my opinion, vital to recognise, support and celebrate the role that fathers play in the postpartum period.
Supporting families as a whole unit here, in these early months, can lay the foundations for a family life that is built on a strong sense of connection, trust and nurturing. Not only is the child or children in a far more stable, healthy environment for their emotional growth, but both parents are more likely to communicate kindly with each other, have compassion, and connect in a more intimate way – which, let’s be honest, isn’t going to harm anyone’s sex life.

How can we support families as a whole unit?

In my postpartum prep session I dive deeply into conversations about the 4th Trimester and ways we can really support families.

If I could gift any new parent something, it would be this support. A step towards that is this information.

Nourishing the Body with Good Food:

One of the most fundamental ways to provide support is by ensuring that postpartum families are nourished with good food. In the absence of being able to literally take someone food (because honestly thats a BIG task), recommending recipies or supporting them to create a meal train where friends/famkly bring food, can make a huge impact.

The demands of parenting, combined with sleep deprivation and physical recovery from labour and birth, will massively affect new parent’s energy levels. Fathers, in particular, often are expected to step up to ensure that the family is well-fed during this vital period – and a sense of support and direction is helpful.

Nutrient-rich meals not only aid in physical recovery but will contribute to state of mind. When both parents are nourished with wholesome, healthy foods, they are less likely to falter in moments of stress, because they are physically having this need met.

Rest

In a fast-paced world, the idea of rest that isn’t justified by some kind of productivity beforehand might seem elusive. However, the fourth trimester calls for a major shift in perspective, where rest is acknowledged as a precious commodity. This is as true for fathers, who at least in this country are required to go back to their day jobs only 2 weeks after baby arrives, while still adjusting to their role as supporting the family in this new way.

Many conversations centre how fathers can take on more responsibilities. In part, yes I agree, because nursing a baby is a full time job and mums need rest. But, radically, I also assert that fathers should prioritise rest.

This should absolutely be a conversation before baby arrives. Dishes can be minimalised. Hoovering doesn’t have to be as often as it was. The house will be a mess and that’s okay. When dad’s rest is prioritised alongside mum’s, there is more balance, more opportunities for meaningful conversation and more joy.

Mental health

The last big focus in creating a supported postpartum experience, without diving into the other (essential) aspects mental health.

Yeah that’s too vague Rohana … we all know mental health matters, but how do we do anything about it?

  • Chat openly and honestly. Before having baby and after. Every step of the way… honest, non-judgemental conversations are essential. This is probably best done when everyone has been fed, and there isn’t insane levels of sleep deprivation being used as competitive advantage in the who feels worse game. But seriously, taking to partners about the JOYS and the things that are hard, makes a difference.
  • Divide and Conquer. Divide jobs/tasks. Remove everything that isn’t essential to be done by you/your partner. Delegates the none essentials. Easier said than done… I’m banking on the idea that you’ve got a gorgeous groups of family and friends who want to help (and can) OR a wonderful doula. If neither applies (it didn’t for me!), then lower the bar massively. Do the essentials. Survive. This isn’t forever.
  • Find friends. Groups. Peanut. Facebook local groups. Whatever is an option… if you can, use it. Parenting is isolating, and by having someone to give and receive some solidarity around, it helps. *careful not to just find ranting buddies who keep you feeling low*
  • Lastly, do things for joy. Don’t give up hobbies. Don’t ask your partner to. In fact, schedule them in with extra vigilance, because being reminded that you’re a human outside of helping this tiny person grow and survive is really important.

There’s so much more to say… creating a supported, wholesome postpartum and beyond experience isn’t going to magically happen. It is worth the work though, because when you are supported, you feel safe.

When you feel safe, your nervous system capacity can hold more.

When you feel safe, baby (and other children) feel safe too. Their mirror neurons mimic your regulated state.

Then, the cycle of safety, support, joy repeats. It cycles. And grows.

This time for growth and unity as a famkly builds the sturdy foundations of trust and connection, which, when toddler and teenage years come by, will be something that holds everyone through.


As ever, thank you for reading.

Rohana