The sun came out! Ahh it’s been beautiful and chaotic and I have felt like it’s been about ten days rolled into 1 but the sun came out and we went outside and it felt so good.
The kids were fascinated by snails for a while and we met a friend so went to the park where the full chaos of sibling relationships was being played out, from gorgeous helping cute moments to the random stealing of a toy and a smack with a stick. Honestly they were all doing a wonderful job of putting on a show to demonstrate the rollercoaster.
I suppose in part this was because they were intensely curious about the 2 month baby this family had and it triggered some kind of processing in their own brains about their life.
It could also have just been because the weather got good!
Either way, it’s been a good day overall, ending with me falling asleep before the kids and waking up to realise I had started to write and not finished!
I am determined to make 4o days… and I will. Rather than get annoyed at myself though, I’m seeing the sign that I NEED rest and taking it. Mantras on, kids snoring, alarm set, my body has lots of work to do while I dream.
Home. Though it won’t be for much longer. It’s bittersweet, because we have some wonderful relationships here, and yet, I met an old friend who asked about it today and I heard myself saying, I am so ready for the change. I am ready to give my kids a new start, and ready for new adventures, new spaces to explore, and new memories to be made.
Home after a day trip away. Home to boxes, home to play, home to our safe space of blankets and cuddles, and rest.
We said goodbye to H who drove back to work for the week, and I took the kids to the park; with promises of a stop of the pub for chips and some time at the playpark in the pub garden. Unfortunately, the garden area was shut for renovations and so I had the uncomfortable experience of breaking my promise to the kids – who didn’t want chips if they couldn’t slide and climb too – and consoling K, who’s just over 2 and a half years old now, and very vocal when he feels upset or let down. It wasn’t fun. Though heading back to the smaller park and getting snacks helped, it brought up conversations about being disappointed, feeling like things aren’t fair, and not understanding why we can’t always do what we want. Life lessons from a failed pub park outing… entirely unintentional but serving a purpose nonetheless.
Promises and kids are such an interesting topic. Bluey covers it so well in the promises episode, and though there’s lots of comedy, it really has struck a cord with my kids so when we talk about promises, they bring it up. That said, today was a bit different, because, bar K who was just upset, the older 2 understood that it wasn’t me breaking a promise on purpose, and that actually, it was a situation out of my control. A said to K afterwards, “I am sad too, I wanted to play there, but we can go another day” … and of course, coming from his sister, K understood that better than my attempts to explain or empathise with him. Kids do just get it don’t they?
P mostly just reverted into his game world, and the rest of the day went relatively smoothly actually, other than the increasingly late bedtime they have got comfortable with, that leaves me typing at 8 minutes to midnight! I don’t mind though, later bedtime means later waking, and I find they sleep more deeply like that, so though it isn’t always possible, I find it quite ideal. I’ll get up and have a while to myself in the morning, and my days always go better when I manage that! P is still up, watching The Green Planet as his way of calming to sleep. We haven’t had a lot of cuddles today because he’s been in his head playing contently, and though I don’t often just leave him to it entirely, today he’s given me the impression that he wanted some space. Tomorrow I’ll check back in a little deeper, and make sure we can do something together for a short while.
There’s often a kind of guilt surrounding that, when I leave him to play or don’t actively seek out time together; because I know I am stretched on time, and adding baby dragon will stretch us even further. Yet, the guilt has changed this past year… there is more grace and acceptance now. Perhaps as he’s got older, I feel more connected to him when we do play, and I adore listening to him tell me about things he knows to build his confidence. This morning he told me lots about Mount Kilimanjaro, after asking me to google what the word actually means. He has become fascinated with words recently, so I am curious to see where this leads. Either way, it was fun, and though we haven’t had lots of physical cuddly connection, we have had some. That’s enough today. I remind myself that what will be will be; and as I do, I look at my tattoo and think about how I didn’t realise just how powerful it would be when I chose it.
Anyway, for tonight that’s my snapshot of life. I have some plans to share intentions and dreams, and my birthing plan in the coming days; but I won’t make any promises, because if I learned anything today, it’s that sometimes things aren’t in my control.
So much can change in just a few hours… often that’s said in a negative sense, but the same is true tenfold for positive experiences. So much can change, if we are willing.
This morning I woke up to the download that my day was going to be one of answering my unanswered prayers. I put my earphones in, did a practice, got ready and then woke the kids.
I won’t even try to pretend like my feelings about the day didn’t get involved in breakfast. They were exhausted and overstimulated and I wanted to stay in my bubble… BUT eventually we got sorted and H dropped me off at the workshop, and took the kids to soft play. They had an exhaustingly fab time, and I got to spend time with incredible people learning a skill that a few years ago was a faraway dream.
I booked this workshop months ago: birth photography. It’s been something that has intruiged me even since my first pregnancy, and as my experiences have changed, I have been more and more drawn to it. I adore documenting my kids… but there’s so many stories we can tell, and birth stories have always fascinated me.
So I took a leap, booked it, and with H’s support, this weekend became possible. It has been so taxing for everyone, but I’m so grateful and glad to have done it.
I won’t share details yet… but I will say that the more I learn, the closer I get to where I want to be with work.
Now, the kids are snoring… H has crashed after hours and hours of driving and I am half tempted to go and start working on my edits. I won’t. But onky because I’m aware of how tired I am too…
My gorgeous tribe and I have been travelling today, in prep for a workshop tomorrow that I am beyond excited for!
It’s been a long day, and H has shown up as my biggest supporter once again, driving us all the way here despite it meaning that the weekend is extremely chaotic for him. When I told him about this workshop, he was not only encouraging but also thrilled for me, knowing its something I’ve been wanting to do for YEARS.
Tomorrow I’ll meet a long time inspiration of mine and learn from her.
Its a short note here from me tonight, because it’s late and we’ve got takeout arriving.
I suppose technically it’s day 5, but the day is still going for me, and my kiddo’s didn’t sleep until nearly midnight tonight. We had plans to go out, go to the library cafe and get some air – but, as most plans with any pressure, things went a little haywire at home.
We had some real moments of dysregulation from everyone, and I found myself joining in the chaos instead of anchoring as a space for calm. Part of this may have been yet another phone call from the NHS informing me that I’ve had appointments made for me that I have no intention of attending, and have already spoken to a real human about; added on to the sore nose from K’s headbutts and the kids grumping over breakfast options, it’s no surprise I wasn’t exactly the poster for gentle parenting today.
However, what I was was real. Authentic. Honest. I told them that I had a headache, and that it would be helpful if we could rest and read or cuddle for a bit. We attempted to play Simone Says – it did not work! We attempted some games of imaginary play – they did not work because each child wanted a different game. We attempted a dance it out party. When everything failed, I put a film on, and even that was a little bit of chaos because it was the wrong one. So chaos descended … and when everyone had had their cries and cuddles, we all came together, played fetch with the dog, and had snacks. Honestly, it sounds pretty okay writing it out, but there were a few moments in there where I thought “well fuck, I am done with today”.
But here I am, and we turned the day around. After the chaos and cries and cuddles, we played, we sang, we read a few books, and then K asked for bed. So he fell asleep and P was listening to his audiobook, and A decided she wanted to play stickers. In the end, P and A played while I pressed t-shirts, they helped and made games with the used vinyl and then got the crystals out. P took himself off to bed again and A asked if she could walk around the house with a candle for blessings and protection. We lit one and I followed her as she walked, telling me that the fire energy was protecting the house, and that when she’s an adult she’ll be able to light the candles with a lighter like me.
It has me thinking about repair, and about how, though yes I was deep in the midst of my lizard brain too today, having a practice that I can lean on helps bring me back. I apologized to P once we’d settled and said, even though yes I was upset and they were upset and everyone was shouting, it is ultimately my job to keep them safe, and they don’t deserve to be yelled at because my big feelings explode. His response, as ever was perfect “I knew you’d say sorry mummy, and it’s okay, we all went a bit crazy with our volcanoes but I still love you”.
They have so much grace. So much space for forgiveness. So much love.
Before A slept, we had a similar moment where she said “I am proud of us mummy, we got angry and sad and then went back to being friends”.
This is why I am so adamant that we can repair. It isn’t about never getting it wrong. It’s about being authentic, messing up and making up… and when we have days like this, where in some moments I worry that I’ve traumatized my kids and passed on or created negative beliefs, I also am given signs from them, and the universe that ultimately, we do the best we can with the resources we have. Today I ran out of spoons, and so did they… but we made more. We made up. And though yes, they might remember the moments of shouting and upset, all I can do is hope that the moments of repair are more impactful than the ones of rupture.
Tomorrow we are off on an adventure… tonight, I am grateful to be living this life.
I’m showing up here, reminding myself that I’m committed, and also absolutely exhausted. The day has been filled with noise from my kids, and my brain is seeking quiet dreams. As I type, my 6yo is cocooned in bed, chatting to himself, and the others are finally snoring.
P has just told me that when he cocoons, its because he’s tired, or sad, or angry, or out of energy. It’s his way of saying, this is a way for him to feel safe, enveloped in the folds of the the thick blanket, he enjoys the comfort, and seeks it out when he feels things get too big, or when he wants rest.
His explanations never cease to amaze me, because though I have already understood this tool in his toolbox, he’s verbalising it to me, and that feels expansive.
Tonight I’m thinking about creation. Specifically about the phrase create more than you consume. I bought the kids cameras after many many months of toying with the idea; and today they’ve been busy capturing all the things… around the house, each other, random shots and details, and of course lots of blank or blurry ones too. It has been so wholesome to watch, especially after our trip to Wales a few weeks ago, where they were all keen to have a go with my DSLR, and actually had a lot of fun posing for pictures and instructing each other from behind the camera.
It was the tipping point for me in buying these for them, and I’m really impressed so far, but of course aware that day 1 is novel, and so curious to see how they will stand the test of time.
They are creating… and seeing them create is one of the most interesting experiences of parenting so far for me. Seeing how they express their energy, create movement, games and different forms of art, each in their own way.
I find it strange to call myself a creative person, because through school I was often pushed to be more analytical, less creative, leaving that to the actual artists. Its something as I reflect on, I am determined to repair for my own children; because though I might not share much of what I create, I am essentially always working on some kind of creation…
From doodles to beaded animals, jewellery to nail art as a child and then teen, to now as an adult, cresting digital art, exploring watercolours, making t-shirts or posters, creating home ed resources or spaces in our home; and of course, art from behind my camera lens is one of the most powerful forms of storytelling for me.
Create more than you consume.
I hadn’t thought about our life in this way before, but I think we do… we are constantly creating, living in a dance of inner worlds, ideas, projects and plans. I’ve learned how to create more play with my children, and I see them bring new ideas to life every day.
We are creating, all the time.
It’s not a stretch then to think we create our reality… but that thought is for another day! I’ve got snuggles waiting with P.
💕
Oh, before I go, just for fun, have you created anything to bring you joy today? Can you? … go do it!
I’m back. Today I did a yoga practice, took the kids to the park, and have spent the last couple of hours working on sublimation t-shirt prints that I am making to fundraise for Gaza. It’s been a good day and I am exhausted in a joyful way.
The eclipse yesterday sparked a few conversations which felt authentic from a home ed point of view, and today things have felt calmer. The wind was strong but the sun came out and my kids played for hours outside. Then we came home and they played here, before tuning in to a new programme so I could rest. My body, at 31 weeks of growing another human, has reminded me today, that I am not actually capable of as much as I used to be. My body, in it’s wisdom, asking me to honour the need for a slower pace, and to rest; because it knows, as changes come, rest will look very different soon.
Tonight I’m thinking about rest, and about yoga, breathwork, and Palestine. I am thinking about how my body, growing our baby dragon is able to ask for rest, to ask for nourishment, to be held safely. I am privileged, and as in every pregnancy, acutely aware of it. This time, far more resourced, far more ready, and far more willing to listen; while also being aware that women, just like me in many ways, are carrying babies through stress, heartbreak, displacement, famine, and phycological warfare as well as genocide. I have learned, more deeply in these past months than ever before; how to hold solidarity in my body, bare witness and look away when needed, coming back, and trying to create ripples of healing.
The past 6 months I have delved into learning more deeply about pregnancy, our experiences in the womb and how we are in fact so much more aware and impacted even before life earthside begins; and as I have learned, I have grown in my knowledge, and in my belly; and in my capacity to practice compassion while NOT jumping into overwhelm. I have tried to protect my baby from the stress, while not disappearing into a bubble (a previous, very effective strategy of mine).
As I type, I think of the women who don’t have the choices I do; who are birthing to the sound of drones, who are carrying through loss and change more tumultuous than I can cognitively comprehend; and I feel a sense of understanding… I know in my bones, from lives before this one, that these experiences will not break them; because the resilience passed on is just as strong as the trauma. I have a sense of real solidarity, compassion and also rage. I am burning… and that fire has led to these t-shirts that sit before me; a way for me to fundraise a little, a way for me to contribute more than contaminate. That fire has led to something bigger too; a project I worked on for weeks, pulling in different people to help, and creating resources. Small, and still, ripples… ripples that I can see and ripples that I can’t.
I hope that this baby feels those ripples; the burning inside me, to do more and also to honour rest. It isn’t something I have gifted my other babies, already earthside teaching me daily. I didn’t know how to then; but now, I am doing what I can, with different tools in my toolbox… I can feel them wriggling inside me, dancing in my belly (and making me need a wee!); and I am beyond grateful for the lessons.
I have been avoiding this; so here I am day 1 of 40. Committing to myself, possibly as a way to, once these days are done, say goodbye to my blog and move elsewhere.
I have no idea what I’ll write over 40 days, but tonight, I’m musing over commitment, and how, I am so deeply committed to some things, but then others are so goddamn hard. I commit to projects, or people and last year I deeply committed to my own personal practice. This year though, I have tried and tried and continuously found myself avoiding or excusing a lack of consistency.
Perhaps it’s the lack of novelty that my ADHD brain thrives of.
More likely, I think it’s fear. Showing up for myself was a fun experiment last year… but this year, it feels like IF I show up and ask myself to stretch, I might actually grow and change is hard. My type A control freak inside is squirming… because ultimately everything about this year has screamed a lack of control.
From an unexpected, joyfully (and quickly) manifested pregnancy that has me on the path to meeting our 4th baby soon, to a house move, new courses and opportunities, healing work that I have delved into and research that has me continuously taking notes, feeling triggered, and requiring space from. My kids have kept me on my toes more than ever and friendships have evolved through heartbreak, joy and curiosity. I am genuinely in love with my life, and also feel like there’s a whirlwind going on, and I have to accept that none of it is within my control.
So committing to this, 40 days of writing… is within my control. And that is scary! And exhilarating.
Tonight; my ramble on commitment has lead me to this thought: When I commit to myself, I heal the spaces where my ancestors didn’t have the opportunity to show up for themselves in this way, and I pave new paths, create new neuropathways in my brain, and in small steps, create spaces for my children and those afterwards, to commit to themselves with more ease. I am doing this work slowly, one trembling, uneasy, curious baby step at a time.
I like the idea of that, because when baby’s start to walk, though they are bold and headstrong, they are also trembling… and committed. The intrinsic motivation of a little person taking their first steps is one of the most incredible things to see… doesn’t matter how much they mess it up, they keep coming back, and of course they do it.
If I consider my commitment to myself over the past 6 months like that; it’s kinder, more graceful… it’s been a lot of hesitant steps, backing away, and now I’m trying again.
I wrote recently about 3 steps I use as a quick way that I try and move out of a ‘fight’ response when my kids trigger me, and I based my writing off of conversations with other parents too, creating essentially a mini strategy that is helpful moving away from fight and into a space of connection.
Since then however, almost as though the universe has been prompting me, I have found myself not reacting in anger or annoyance, as much as I have felt exhausted, unbothered and in a mood where I just want to say “do what you want then!” I suppose if my kids were older, or if I were a different parent, I would – but thankfully they are little and I am working hard to break away from old mainstream cycles of parenting.
So instead, I leaned in to my toolbox, resourced myself and now I’m choosing to write about it.
The freeze response is, in many ways a little bit hidden. It wasn’t until my oldest was nearly 6 that I understood it in the way I’m about to share; so if it feels new, don’t worry, it is!
‘Freeze’ is a survival response, and we know that when being threatened, if freezing is our body’s best survival strategy, then that’s what we’ll do. It isn’t a choice… because ultimately, our body’s are far quicker at making decision than our minds can catch up with.
However, in parenting, especially parenting little ones (and I’m guessing teenagers too!), when we move into a freeze response, it’s often masked as a feeling of apathy or exhaustion – the kind of response where your kid does something again and instead of getting angry or even upset, you move into the whatever, it doesn’t make a difference kid of mood.
It’s when I doom scrolling Instagram reels or the putting TV on just so that they’ll stop arguing… where the energy to do anything is zapped away.
Freeze is not a choice... in my experience, its often a sign of burnout.
However, like with fight, there are ways that can help move away from it. As parents, this isn’t a long term solution, and it doesn’t replace actually doing the work of healing and understanding why we feel like this in the first place, but, it can help in moment to moment parenting; where we need a quick fix until we can carve out some time to dig deeper.
How?
Well, the essential thing to understand here is that FIGHT is a sympathetic response to a trigger; where our bodies have decided that, in order to survive the threat, we need to fight our way out.
FREEZE is not like that, it’s a parasympathetic response. Often you’ll hear energy workers etc say that parasympathetic is good (which it can be) because it is our ‘rest and digest’ system, BUT that isn’t always the case; because in fact, the freeze response is an exaggerated rest response, in an attempt to survive whatever threat we perceive to exist. Think how an animal plays dead to avoid becoming prey; our bodies will perceive a threat, and make the decision to ‘play dead’ by becoming lethargic, apathetic or avoidant in order to survive.
So….
To get out of this, we need some activation. Which means, shaking, moving, dancing, getting motivated or, eliminating the perceived threat. Since the housework isn’t going to do itself, and dinner will still be uncooked after a doom scroll, elimination as a parent is probably not likely – our kids will still be shouting for us even if we can’t imagine what they could possibly need now.
Therefore, once we realize we are freezing, the next thing to do is get moving. Put some music on, do some dragon breathing or kapalabati (if safe to do so), shake or jump or, my personal favourite the past few weeks has been to find an easy dopamine hit. As my ADHD brain moves into freeze and I know that I need to get out, I’ve found that having a quick fix of dopamine is a real help. Snacks are a winner. Music absolutely. AND a small side project that brings joy with only a small amount of effort or time – for me this has been working through some photography edits. Anything that won’t be a hyperfocus but brings joy works brilliantly.
Ultimately, freeze is a sign of taking on too much, and being overwhelmed. As a neurodivergent human, this is something I didn’t understand affected me more until I learned that it actually does. So if you are ND then solidarity! And if you’re not, then that doesn’t make your overwhelm any less valid, it literally just means you’ll find it in different spaces or be able to tackle it with the same or different tools.
It isn’t a sign that we are failing.
It isn’t a sign that life is too hard.
It isn’t a sign that we can’t cope.
It is a survival response to our situation, and a nudge from our body (and the universe) that something probably needs to change for us to thrive.
With spring here, Ostara this week and the earth in the northern hemisphere beginning to bloom, I encourage you to walk outside with bare feet on the earth… grounding into a bigger energy is something that I deeply appreciate and have leaned on a lot recently. Finding a practice that brings joy; and breathing outside with no goal other than to just exist for a few minutes. Walks at the beach or somewhere with water are also a firm favourite.
If you’re in freeze, I see you. It won’t last forever.
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