Personal

Day 13 : Thoughts on our connection

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The other day I wore my trousers from my trip to Ghana when I was 17, and I thought about my mum and how I miss her.

Then, I wore a hairband that my friend recently gifted me and thought of her and our coffee date conversations.

I ate a bagel and my husband came to mind, because there was a point where the kids associated bagels with daddy, and it was one of the few things I could convince them to eat.

Tonight I made a salad, and thought about my stay at grandparents house when I was 16, and how I watched the way they loved each other after decades… before I really understood how much work a relationship needs to get there.

I said goodbye to my dad, and thought about how grateful I am that he exists.

And I wrote some bits down… in-between the dishes and calls for mummy.

When I think about these things as  individual moments, they’re just parts of our day and life… but then, piecing them together, the picture changes. We are shaped by the experiences we have, but more than that, the legacy of those who we love, or even those we don’t, stays with us, every single interaction stored somewhere… ready to be drawn on when needed.

The legacy of my grandparents is far bigger than making salad with me one summer, and yet, it’s there… as part of their story interwoven with mine.

The legacy of my mother, linked to our trip to Ghana, triggered by my bright yellow trousers.

The story of my friendship, held in part, in a hairband that makes it more than just a piece of cloth.

The growth of my children, who love a daddy bagel but no longer demand one as regularly as they once did.

That lady at the park

The old man on the school run

The bus driver who waved to my kids as he drove past

The sweet little boy who doubled back to ask my son a question

The neighbour who drives us places to let our dogs run and play

Every person we’ve bumped into … every single random comment from a stranger… every single interaction we’ve ever had. Every. Single. One. All stored.

It makes me think about my kids, and their sponge brains… and how easy it is for them to interpret all these things in such core ways.

I used to hate when people would comment “ahh you’ve got your hands full” in front of my kids, no matter what a mess we looked like! Then I realised, rather than pretend like it hadn’t happened, I had the power to change that interaction… and so I started saying to my kids “look my hands ARE so full!” while I held them all and fumbled… “and so is my heart” I’d end with. It made a huge difference.

When I look at our lives, interwoven link this, I am filled with hope and sadness and rage at the world. I am learning, in new ways that rather than push those away or just pick one, that I CAN sit with all of these at once, and that it’s okay to just feel them and do nothing yet. That’ll come.

Until tomorrow,

With love, Rohana x

Day 12 – minibeasts, bubbles and lots of play

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

This is definitely one of my favourite times of the year, where there is just so much to see and find outdoors, and the kids genuinely just want to be out exploring; I’ve ordered them some portable mini microscopes and I cannot wait to see what they discover! It’s been mini-beast hunting, bubble catching, climbing on everything and a generally joyful, curious mood the past few days.

Today, they were tired, but after an intense week, I didn’t expect much else. I thought we’d push a bit today and get into city center for a little more exploring; but they had other ideas and it was a much needed slow start, followed by outdoor fun and a playdate this evening. Double fun was that our puppy Nyx got a playdate with her buddy too, and spent a couple hours running around the garden with him (theirs, not ours!)

It’ll be the first weekend in a long time where H (the kids dad) won’t be home because he’s staying on base for some much needed recharge. It’s something that when it came up this week with friends got funny looks; but actually as we prep for our house move and baby, is something that I am genuinely super glad he’s managed to block off. In the past, I’d probably have thought it wasn’t fair, but we’ve both worked really hard to see what the other needs, and to support each other to meet those needs, as much as possible with 3 kids and a puppy. Last weekend, he drove all of us for nearly 5 hours (each way) just so that I didn’t have to take the train and have long layovers; knowing that too many hours on my feet and I’m getting really exhausted. He took the kids to soft play and did all the parenting things that you’d expect; except… I don’t drive, so he also took on ALL the travelling, and had to get back to Portsmouth as well.

My standards are high, and we often as a couple talk about how we hold each other to high standards as parents, and in our relationship; because we push each other without pressuring each other… something that has taken YEARS to figure out a balance with, and isn’t exactly a one way works every time kind of deal. We absolutely mess up a lot, but ultimately, choosing to grow together and in our own personal lives has meant doing the work and showing up in the best ways we know how. It’s interesting though, as I think about this; because we’ve had conversations over the past year about how, if I suggest areas to work on, he’ll shut them down… and vice versa… but then, in a roundabout way, we both end up with similar themes, working in our own way through our own stuff.

The exception here is probably deschooling ourselves, which I periodically dive deeper into, and this year at least, hasn’t come up as necessary for him. That said, once we live together through the whole week again, I think things will change, especially while we wait for potential spaces for K and A, and dive deeper into home educating P, led by him, and immersing ourselves in bigger projects as we go. We’ll also have baby dragon so navigating postpartum is going to an interesting journey for us both/all.

Previously, I’ve adopted the attitude of ‘just keep going’ and I have burnt out BIG time! This time, we are honouring the sacredness of it, slowing riiiigggghhhtttt down and I’m choosing to have a laying in period. Admittedly, I’m not sure how this is going to work with 3 active kids, but the goal is there and mentally, I know if I prep for as much rest as possible, then I’ll honour it far more than if I just try to wing it. I am teaching postpartum support in a couple of weeks and once again, as I look through my materials, I’m getting excited! It is such an incredible time.

Today 6 years ago, I handed in my dissertation… I was 8 months postpartum for the first time then. I don’t remember much about that version of myself most days, but I am grateful for her. I didn’t do the laying in period, or honour myself fully back then… though it was slower than the 2nd and 3rd time round for sure! Looking back on the rollercoaster ride, I often forget just how far we’ve come, but it is pretty damn remarkable given that I thought at one point I’d never manage to finish uni having P.

Tonight, my dads last night here, P has cuddled up and said he wants to have a sleepover downstairs with grandpa; so audiobook on, delta waves playing in the background, he’s fidgeting as he listens…. and I’m thinking about all the weeks where my dad spent his time with me in the UK, looking after P so I could write and finish assignments. So much has changed, but the closeness they have is as strong as ever. We are very very blessed.

Anyway, goodnight for now, thanks for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Day 11 – Sunshine, smiles and some midnight musings.

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Ahhh what a difference comes with the weather. I know I rambled about this already, but it was just so reinforced today with my dad here for a visit. The kids played outside while I got some house bits sorted, including more of our decor put away ready for moving, and then we head to town for ice creams and a park play.

These are the kinds of things I used to do all the time, and I think in part over the winter, I’d lost sight of how much impact the weather has on me.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy winter, because I do… but my kids struggle to get out the house; and so I find being stuck indoors very hard. I shared how much easier it all feels with my partner and he said “darling you aren’t meant to live life indoors” … he’s right. Generally but also because for my and my mental health, getting out is essential!

This past winter P brought up some of his birth imprints; including feeling rushed and pushed out before he’s ready. It came up in our getting out the house  which would take up to 3 hours on some days. I didn’t have the language for it all at the time, but now I see this need for absolute control as a way to regain some of what was lost in his birth.

When I first heard about them, I knew, birth imprints made sense to me… albeit a little ‘out there‘ in terms of understanding them. Working through this one with P – whcih outside of some play has involved ONLY working on my own nervous system, I feel so strongly about the way they can impact us.

Diving deeper and learning more has been super interesting and I am right in the middle of some books now, fascinated.

The changing weather helps us, because as it gets brighter and warmer, he’s more willing to come out. When we had a garden that was enclosed, he would spend hours climbing and being out… so I’m looking forward to this again. My intention is to build a space for them to really be able to spin and jump and play in the ways that they need for their bodies. His body NEEDs to move, and there’s nothing wrong with that… it helps his brain. Through the winter  he slowed down a lot, got into more lego and sat for ages, focused and content. Now, he’s jumping and climbing everything… I’m grateful to go along with as much as I can.

Seeing them play and find creatures has been epic. P spend a long time telling my dad all about different pokemon evolutions while he ran around or enacted different scenes. My dad, focused on looking for caterpillars, listened and repeated back all the right things to validate to P that what he was infodumping was important. Its got me thinking about finding a pokemon magazine or similar, to see if it’ll encourage some reading. So far, he adores looking through our pokemon encyclopedia and he is memorising the evolutions from there.

K, obsessed with bugs at the moment, pottered after my dad with a magnifying glass, thrilled to be out for so many hours with someone finding him all the things to look at and hold.

I haven’t dived into much of his birth recently, though I’m drawing on aspects of all of theirs as I plan for our next.

A was at preschool so in between house jobs, I’ve started making my birth plans … though I advise for a plan A, B, C and D, I’m starting with our actual plan, and then, our emergency one. Over the next week, I’ll be creating more in depth scenario based bits… and packing a bag I don’t intend to use. 

I have been very chilled so far, and as we get closer I feel really trusting that this birth will bring what it needs to. I have had lots of quiet and I’m grateful for it… but that’s for another share. Probably not tomorrow’s. 

For tonight,  I’ll leave it,

With love, Rohana x

Day 10 – we can disgree on some stuff

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

It has been an epic day, topped off with a (half) surprise visit from my dad which has the kids buzzing! A went back to preschool after a few weeks off, and she had a great day, while P, K and dragon (bump) chilled at home, got messy with some paint and played. Then we all went after pick-up for a playdate dinner at a friends house.

This friend of mine is honestly so lovely, and she pulled out ALL the stops! She made me food and fed the kids, and they played for hours together while we chat, got involved and watched them.

We spoke about some kids stuff, and then about our plans etc, and then we got into birth imprints – something I have been diving deep into, and something I am very cautious about talking about. I trusted that she is/was a safe person to chat about this with, and we ended up in a deep conversation about my own experiences, experiences with P and some of her own stories. In the middle of it all, she said something that really stuck with me about our opinions differing, and I thought, yes absolutely! I know I am radical in some of my choices, and that’s absolutely fine – but chatting and opening up doesn’t mean I think any of her choices were less valid or important, or that the opinions she (or anyone holds) matter less than my own. Essentially, in my head it came down to, informed choice, informed consent, working through what we can within the resources available to us, AND respecting that others will do differently.

However…. while this was a topic we could absolutely disagree on because life experiences and circumstances had led us down different paths; and we were both happy; there are other things that are a bit more black and white to me.

I came home and my wild babies jumped on my dad to play. They were joyfully settled… and so as I pottered, I opened my phone to the news of more destruction, more violence, more insanity, and I thought, how can we live in a world where some opinions are so okay to be different, and yet others are such a blanket no. By that I mean, when it comes to birth, or parenting (to an extent), or screens, or food, or lifestyle fitness choices etc the thing that matters is respect, information and autonomy; but when it comes to political stances on the lives of children, I am pretty damn certain that I cannot and will not agree to disagree.

I text a friend the other day saying it feels like I spent 3 years studying politics and international relations for absolutely nothing. It is so disheartening, and feels like the hunger games, where the whyte governments are the capitol and the rest of us are watching as Isr3hell plays games with the lives of those in the occupied territories. I don’t understand how the world is still functioning sometimes, when there is so much collective wounding going on. It begins to break me.

So… I remind myself, that though there is collective pain, there is also mass collective healing and collective joy, in the face of all the chaos – which is ultimately an act of rebellion. We will not lose hope! Just as I believe rest is a radical act of rebellion in mothering within a society that demonizes rest and links worth to productivity, especially for those of global majority and bodies of culture; I also believe that despite the despair I sometimes feel towards situations of horror, every single drop in the ocean of healing IS doing the work. Healing at the level of the nervous system is profound, and the ripples we create are a force of good.

It feels too big… and then I think, my babies started off as 2 cells, and now they are walking, talking, opinionated and intense human beings with capacity for so much! If that is possible… isn’t anything?

Enough of my waffling… for now, goodnight.

With love,

Rohana x

Day 9 – Joy, Frustration and love

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Day 9, I’ve found myself avoiding this for an hour; and I absolutely find myself in a sense of freeze over a areas that are coming up in life. I have been so focused on getting to the next thing, and now, I’ve got a few weeks of limbo, where I can do what I ‘want’ and I am stuck…

The good thing is, though yes I feel stuck in my own personal goals, my chosen response is to throw myself even more deeply into finding spaces of joy with my kids. Previously, I’ve ended up in this pattern and got really frustrated at them, at myself, and at life, and often everyone ends up having a rubbish time. I saw this starting yesterday and for the first time, I’ve really managed to tune in and choose differently. So today has been filled with joy, play, time with friends at the park and cuddles to connect before bed. Tomorrow I have intentions for special time with the boys, and I’ll create a window for A after preschool. I am choosing to connect, because I asked a lot of them this weekend driving for my workshop; and I continue to ask a lot of them as we get ready for our house move.

This doesn’t mean they are doing anything specific or extra, but it does mean that they know moving is happening, they know a sibling will arrive soon after our move, and they know that lots is going to change soon. Except, soon actually feels ages away, because to their brains, time doesn’t really exist yet. So lots is happening, and I’m finding pockets of joy and bliss, helped by the sunshine, as well as moments to affirm that they are loved, safe and wanted. This means when we do have ruptures, I can focus on repair and not wallow in guilt or worry, knowing that actually, we are getting really good at understanding each other, and how we need to work through stuff.

Today I had a chat about the way I’ve taught the kids energy fields; and how the energy we send out, returns to us. A friend and I spoke about how so much of what we teach our kids, especially around conflict resolution, bodily autonomy and for me, leaning in to somatic practices and intuition, is stuff that we didn’t have language for as kids. I know from my own experiences that though I grew up practicing yoga and having an understanding of grounding in my body; it hasn’t been until my 20s with my own kids that I have truly understood what that meant.

This generation though, I hadn’t realised has been nicknamed generation alpha; as the first generation of kids born to the conscious parenting movement, where more and more they are allowed to feel their feelings and figure things out. I actually shut A down the other day, and realised a while afterwards that I’d taken the chance to find her own way through the feelings away. It hasn’t come up again, but when it does, it’ll be something I address with her. I can imagine it was so frustrating for her to hear me say I couldn’t cope with the noise of her crying… which, in the moment was true for me, but nonetheless, a bitter bitter pill for her who needed comfort.

We can’t always get it right though, and I know in the longer run, that moment won’t be the only one I have to hold space for her, so next time will be different.

We do the best we can with the resources we have.

I had more thoughts but that feels like a good space to end for tonight. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading!

With love,

Rohana x

Day 8

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The sun came out! Ahh it’s been beautiful and chaotic and I have felt like it’s been about ten days rolled into 1 but the sun came out and we went outside and it felt so good.

The kids were fascinated by snails for a while and we met a friend so went to the park where the full chaos of sibling relationships was being played out, from  gorgeous helping cute moments to the random stealing of a toy and a smack with a stick. Honestly they were all doing a wonderful job of putting on a show to demonstrate the rollercoaster.

I suppose in part this was because they were intensely curious about the 2 month baby this family had and it triggered some kind of processing in their own brains about their life.

It could also have just been because the weather got good!

Either way, it’s been a  good day overall, ending with me falling asleep before the kids and waking up to realise I had started to write and not finished!

I am determined to make 4o days… and I will. Rather than get annoyed at myself though, I’m seeing the sign that I NEED rest and taking it. Mantras on, kids snoring, alarm set, my body has lots of work to do while I dream.

Until later 💕

With love,

R x

Day 7

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Home. Though it won’t be for much longer. It’s bittersweet, because we have some wonderful relationships here, and yet, I met an old friend who asked about it today and I heard myself saying, I am so ready for the change. I am ready to give my kids a new start, and ready for new adventures, new spaces to explore, and new memories to be made.

Home after a day trip away. Home to boxes, home to play, home to our safe space of blankets and cuddles, and rest.

We said goodbye to H who drove back to work for the week, and I took the kids to the park; with promises of a stop of the pub for chips and some time at the playpark in the pub garden. Unfortunately, the garden area was shut for renovations and so I had the uncomfortable experience of breaking my promise to the kids – who didn’t want chips if they couldn’t slide and climb too – and consoling K, who’s just over 2 and a half years old now, and very vocal when he feels upset or let down. It wasn’t fun. Though heading back to the smaller park and getting snacks helped, it brought up conversations about being disappointed, feeling like things aren’t fair, and not understanding why we can’t always do what we want. Life lessons from a failed pub park outing… entirely unintentional but serving a purpose nonetheless.

Promises and kids are such an interesting topic. Bluey covers it so well in the promises episode, and though there’s lots of comedy, it really has struck a cord with my kids so when we talk about promises, they bring it up. That said, today was a bit different, because, bar K who was just upset, the older 2 understood that it wasn’t me breaking a promise on purpose, and that actually, it was a situation out of my control. A said to K afterwards, “I am sad too, I wanted to play there, but we can go another day” … and of course, coming from his sister, K understood that better than my attempts to explain or empathise with him. Kids do just get it don’t they?

P mostly just reverted into his game world, and the rest of the day went relatively smoothly actually, other than the increasingly late bedtime they have got comfortable with, that leaves me typing at 8 minutes to midnight! I don’t mind though, later bedtime means later waking, and I find they sleep more deeply like that, so though it isn’t always possible, I find it quite ideal. I’ll get up and have a while to myself in the morning, and my days always go better when I manage that! P is still up, watching The Green Planet as his way of calming to sleep. We haven’t had a lot of cuddles today because he’s been in his head playing contently, and though I don’t often just leave him to it entirely, today he’s given me the impression that he wanted some space. Tomorrow I’ll check back in a little deeper, and make sure we can do something together for a short while.

There’s often a kind of guilt surrounding that, when I leave him to play or don’t actively seek out time together; because I know I am stretched on time, and adding baby dragon will stretch us even further. Yet, the guilt has changed this past year… there is more grace and acceptance now. Perhaps as he’s got older, I feel more connected to him when we do play, and I adore listening to him tell me about things he knows to build his confidence. This morning he told me lots about Mount Kilimanjaro, after asking me to google what the word actually means. He has become fascinated with words recently, so I am curious to see where this leads. Either way, it was fun, and though we haven’t had lots of physical cuddly connection, we have had some. That’s enough today. I remind myself that what will be will be; and as I do, I look at my tattoo and think about how I didn’t realise just how powerful it would be when I chose it.

Anyway, for tonight that’s my snapshot of life. I have some plans to share intentions and dreams, and my birthing plan in the coming days; but I won’t make any promises, because if I learned anything today, it’s that sometimes things aren’t in my control.

I’ll see you tomorrow,

With love,

R x

Day 6

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So much can change in just a few hours… often that’s said in a negative sense, but the same is true tenfold for positive experiences. So much can change, if we are willing.

This morning I woke up to the download that my day was going to be one of answering my unanswered prayers. I put my earphones in, did a practice, got ready and then woke the kids.

I won’t even try to pretend like my feelings about the day didn’t get involved in breakfast. They were exhausted and overstimulated and I wanted to stay in my bubble… BUT eventually we got sorted and H dropped me off at the workshop, and took the kids to soft play. They had an exhaustingly fab time, and I got to spend time with incredible people learning a skill that a few years ago was a faraway dream.

I booked this workshop months ago: birth photography. It’s been something that has intruiged me even since my first pregnancy, and as my experiences have changed, I have been more and more drawn to it. I adore documenting my kids… but there’s so many stories we can tell, and birth stories have always fascinated me.

So I took a leap, booked it, and with H’s support, this weekend became possible. It has been so taxing for everyone, but I’m so grateful and glad to have done it.

I won’t share details yet… but I will say that the more I learn, the closer I get to where I want to be with work.

Now, the kids are snoring… H has crashed after hours and hours of driving and I am half tempted to go and start working on my edits. I won’t. But onky because I’m aware of how tired I am too…

So for today, that’s it. Day 6 💕

With love,

Rohana x

Day 5

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

My gorgeous tribe and I have been travelling today, in prep for a workshop tomorrow that I am beyond excited for!

It’s been a long day, and H has shown up as my biggest supporter once again, driving us all the way here despite it meaning that the weekend is extremely chaotic for him. When I told him about this workshop, he was not only encouraging but also thrilled for me, knowing its something I’ve been wanting to do for YEARS.

Tomorrow I’ll meet a long time inspiration of mine and learn from her.

Its a short note here from me tonight, because it’s late and we’ve got takeout arriving.

With love,

Rohana x