They say that Bluebells are a sign of fairies and magick. They spread so slowly that where Bluebells grow now, is said to be a sign of ancient woodlands.

Today, as we walked, with Bluebells and garlic creating a carpet on the floor, I thought about this. I mentioned it to my kids, but they weren’t interested. Sometimes they are so excited to hear these things,

other times, it’s totally irrelevant to them.

Today, P found real fascination with the Holly leaves, and was examining many of them to see the spikes versus smoothness, and stretching high with his stick to find smoother leaves. The ones that were half and half were the most fascinating.

Last night I set intentions… after being exhausted from the weekend, I wanted to start the week off positively. So before fully sleeping, I quickly noted down some fresh intentions, to be filled with vital energy, to be focused, and to find myself in the right place at the right time.

This morning, I got up at 6, and thought, this is my intentions being lived out. So I grabbed my laptop and did a tone of sifting and admin work and created some stuff too! Then when A woke up, she played a maths game before we went down for breakfast.  Connection. Focus. Creation. It felt good.

Getting out with the kids fed into that, because after the weekend, I could see they were heading towards some hours of lounging and screen requests. The deal was, out for a walk… lunch and then screens. They accepted, and it worked brilliantly.

In fact, I visited my favourite tree.

They played in the river.

They played at the park.

They did “nature’s obstacle course” laughing and thanking nature for providing roots to jump and turn around, and a bridge to go under.

They dug

The splashed

And collected many many sticks and dandelions

And by the time we got home, everyone was ravenous and exhausted, and dirty – queue a long play in the bath followed by some actual play downstairs. It was nearly dinner before screens were requested and I happily obliged.

So they spent the evening watching their programmes and playing games; while I’ve spent the evening listening and making notes about female reproductive health and Traditional Chinese Medicine. It’s been a classically good, balanced day – bar the dog who hasn’t been super impressed that I paid more attention to my notes than cuddling her.

Sometimes balance and connection looks like getting them involved in cooking, reading to them and cuddling, playing and really digging deep into my reserves to be present in their games and stories etc. Other times, it’s about suiting and booting up and then after a good dose of fresh air and exercise, giving them hours of movies or episodes of the Octonauts.

I used to get really judgy with myself for the latter… but truthfully, there isn’t a magick fairy who’ll come and do the chores or give me extra hours in the day to learn for my own joy. I can either lean into screens consciously, or I can fight them… and I choose the latter.

I’m really starting to live in this space where I see balance isn’t about things looking similar every day… its about my own nervous system feeling safe in our every day differences.

With love, thanks for reading.

Rohana x

I find myself lost for words tonight. There are various things I thought about writing, from foraging with P and special time, to birth days as a celebration, our time weekending with H working away, and the transformations we’ve tracked back over the past 7 years.

Now though, the kids are all around me, I’ve got baby dragon dancing in my belly, K lying on top of me with P and A either side, and I’m fumbling over my thoughts.

It’s been a long weekend… and also really lovely. Now, the kids are starting to fall asleep and these things are running through my mind… I’m in that stage where I’m needed but silent, as they all find themselves settling, my brain begins to spin. Since I haven’t got a topic I’m burning to share, I’ll share this mental dance instead.

Sitting is uncomfortable. Lying down is uncomfortable.  My bump grows and I’m in love with this stage but oh my I can feel it now… especially with Ks weight on my belly.

We got stuck in traffic today because there was a half marathon on, which had me thinking back to the half marathon I ran in 2016 before getting pregnant with P.

Now I’m listening to P making sounds as he plays a story out… stimming in order to sleep, and my brain does a loop-d-loop in stimming and processing feelings and wondering how he is.

He cuddles me and I mentally flip to love languages for our kids, how maybe when I’m touched out its because my love language isn’t physical touch but for some of my kids, it probably is.

Wondering how I’ll love another baby… knowing I absolutely will.

I pause to read a notification from a group I am in on Facebook.. its about sleep set ups. I think about us, co-sleeping and our set up being so different from what I thought would be ‘normal’ by now… and how I’m actively not pushing for them to move out of my bed, because I know that our nervous systems are so deeply connected.

It’s something I teach and share about, our interconnected nervous systems… but I only really touch on it as a postpartum thing. Truly it’s so much further beyond, and I know when the time is right, they themselves will ask for space.

As I hear them starting to snore, I feel my whole body release… I’m tired too, and now I can feel it.

Of course, I need another wee so best get up for that!

I’m 34 weeks (ish) pregnant now. Heavy, and holding space for many feelings that come up. Choosing to reclaim my body and power through this birth and honour this wisdom inside me isn’t just a ‘whim’ made decision. It has taken us long, and it brings up fears, doubts, questions, all of which are valid and necessary for growth. It doesn’t mean I doubt my decision, it means I’m making a choice that is allowing me to expand… and as a result, I’m stretching my capacity.

Capacity is such an important word right now.

So is congruence.

Which leads my brain to alliteration and rhymes, both of which I have worked on with the kids this week. Though P isn’t ready to read (and oh I had some superb conversations about learning today at the park!), he has absolutely picked up an interest in rhyming words… and A trying to copy is doing more alliteration than rhyme, so I’ve tried to navigate learning both, with as few arguments as possible.

Ooh my eyes went fuzzy. It’s definitely time for rest.

Rest.

Rest.

Radical rest.

I have many thoughts on that too. Maybe tomorrow… probably in a few months. For now, thanks for reading.

With love, Rohana x

I ordered some new toothbrush heads this week, and today we opened them, so I thought I’d share about some of the realities of brushing teeth time as a parent… because literally nobody has ever talked about the absolute rollercoaster that teeth hygiene brings.

Nothing could have prepared me for the push back, the tears and the tantrums that a toothbrush brings when you’ve got toddlers! I’m pretty sure most parents will get it though, it’s such a interesting time.

Anyway, these new toothbrush heads obviously brought some novelty so getting teeth done tonight wasn’t too hard, in fact, other than getting distracted, there was no push back involved. It won’t last, but that’s okay, we’ve already starting reviving old stories and materials that had worked in the past, in order to ease the bedtime chaos a little.

Can I tell you a story?

When P was younger he adored brushing his teeth. It was a copy mummy kind of thing, and I thought it was easy. Then, he turned 2 and things changed. He didn’t want to, and I didn’t know what to do – the advice I was given was “hold him down and force him” … so I did. And it hurt my heart to do it.

I didn’t realise I could do it another way.

This didn’t last long before I was researching ways to encourage, beg and even bribe him into teeth brushing… and eventually I began to think, if it were me being forced to brush, I’d be so frightened. Forcing teeth hygiene was triggering me, and traumatic for him. Something needed to change.

So we bought books

We bribed

We did it while in front of the TV so he didn’t notice

And we made up games

Games worked best.

By this point, we were pretending he had dinosaurs in his mouth pooing in there… and from there stories came. As this happened, over time we also added family members, so 1 child became 3, and i learned that the cute I want to copy mummy phase was normal, as was the absolute refusal thereafter. My bubble well and truly burst!

I also had by this time dived deep into respect and autonomy based parenting (I.e  treating kids like actual humans!) and began to see that advice like “just hold them down and force them” was never going to sit well with my values.

That doesn’t mean sometimes I don’t wish I could wave a magick wand and force them to eat properly and brush their teeth or hair or listen etc… but it means that the bigger picture matters more to me, and I won’t choose to cause disconnect or trauma associated with a tooth brush, even if that does mean sometimes they don’t brush properly.

Tonight as they brushed, I thought about those months where P wouldn’t and I worried I’d failed. It’s not funny but it is interesting to see how much things change.

Tonight he read the book * we made and they brushed and I watched them wondering how I’d have ever wrestled 3 kids into teeth brushing, knowing their strong willed characters, and my soft heart. I’m glad we found different ways… even if they’re messy and chaotic, they work for us.

Thanks, for reading, with love,

Rohana x

* note, the book linked in the post is an affiliate of my own, pushlished through amazon.

For the first time in a few days I looked around and thought, what am I going to write about tonight?!

I’ve shared quite a bit about our days over the past few weeks, but a topic I haven’t shared much about it mess, priorities and managing the chaos.

Truthfully, its probably because I’ve not even thought about most of it… other than the usual dishes and tidying, I tend to leave all the big housework jobs for the weekend when H is back to share the load. It works better like this for us, even if it means there’s 4 or 5 loads of laundry to do, cooking to prep, and bits to tidy at the weekend.

Why?

I used to beat myself up about my inability to ‘stay on top’ of – the laundry, the cooking, the home ed prep, the documenting, the food shops and play. That was, until I realised I couldn’t manage all the things, when I was overwhelmed and stretched between kids, sleep deprived and hungry! I soon realised after this that I am neurodivergent and my adhd brain doesn’t love habitual everyday things like laundry and dishes and showers or cooking. It takes so much effort for me to do these things, with active thoughts and engagement required at every step. Washing my hair is a HUGE effort… and genuinely, though I love my hair, I regularly consider chopping it off.

Now that I’ve figured out it’s not my lack of being a good adult who manages life, but rather because I am human and imperfect, the laundry and I are open enemies.

The kids find it hilarious when I start on the first pile because its such a long job. Last weekend as my daughter helped and watched she’d say things like “why is there so many clothes!” Or wonder out loud why there are more of her little brothers clothes than hers (he gets changed a lot!).

Having this dialogue, with extra frustrated, comical voices “yeah there is just so much folding!” from me, and jokes about how they all could swap clothes and confuse me, means that this loathsome task becomes easier. It also normalises doing boring, no-dopamine kind of jobs, and making light of them, and shows the kids it’s okay to be overwhelmed by these things.

Most weekends, we find a pattern where I sort while H cooks… then we split other jobs as needed. Of course, kids factor in there so sometimes we’ll tag team each other in being the playmates before johs. He helps keep me on track with it, and I need him to do the cooking because the kids prefer his food. Win – win – win ! Seriously I attempted to make a decent dinner today and it was such a battle to get them to eat! Eventually they did, and then requested desert… it wasn’t a total flop.

After dinner, I put another load of washing it, and before bed, I looked at the overflowing baskets on the floor… 4 loads of laundry, and they still have clothes to wear! I think if they didn’t, I’d be better at it from pure necessity. I asked aloud what to write, and then looked at the pile and thought, “yeah that’s the thing” because though some parts of my life may look dreamy (I had someone say this to me today), other parts show I’m genuinely just figuring my stuff out, like everyone else.

I think when we normalise this, it brings everyone around us into a space of gratitude. Gratitude that we aren’t alone in being a mess. Gratitude at what we have figured out. Gratitude at the fact we have time to find ways that work for us.

Normalise the loathsome laundry or the dreaded hair wash! Honestly it’s not as odd as people might think.

With love,

Rohana xox

Past versions of me was pretty ready by now, but this version is slower.  Not necessarily a bad thing, but something new for us to navigate for sure.

I did some more boxes today, and got a few more to dos sorted for baby dragon. I even finished the birth intentions  which I should be printing and laminating in the next week… I found copies of A and Ks plans and thought about how much we’ve changed! Ps plan was worlds away.

I’ve got 3 plans, and though I won’t share them in depth here, I will point out that there are only 3 because I have assumed a number of things about each situation. The first page is the goal which means likely nobody will read it until after baby dragon us earthside. It is the one we are preparing for, and once we get up to Scotland, will be setting up the house for.

The 2nd page is ‘in case of transfer, non emergency ‘ which is, as it sounds, not an emergency transfer. I’m not anticipating this will happen, BUT prepping for it because if it does, I want to make sure we’re ready.

Page 3 is the emergency plan. This is the one where I’ve transferred in as an emergency and understand that many options will be dependent on what’s safe and available. So it has things like “honour the golden hour” and “I intend to breastfeed” in it, along with the note that says ‘where possible’.

I could go deeper, making 5 or 6 plans… and maybe I will over the coming weeks, but I’m confident with the 3 for now.

It’s the first time I’ve planned like this. And now it’s something I talk about in my Womb to Arms course, and something I suggest to those I support, because planning for A is great, but having your B, C, D and even E considered options is  important.

That said, though some things change as we grow, other things are still very much the same. The night waking and need for mummy cuddles is still well and truly the same, with each child adding to the nighttime lullaby of snores and sounds. Our Delta waves playlist competing over Ks current mightnight shouts.

This is probably the bit I’m least pioorepared for… sleeping with another human in the space. Its also going to be the biggest shock to them! In time… we’ve got plenty of it.

Tomorrow H comes home after 2 weeks and I’ll do some more prep work, printing and planning. My next project is to gather some recipes for us to lean on in the early days, nourishing, wholesome meals, that won’t take ages to prep and I’ll be able to freeze once we get set up. I read the other day that if you can prioritising 1 thing during postpartum, prioritise food… knowing what I know now, as opposed to when I was last in this space preparing for K, I couldn’t agree more. Preparing for postpartum as much as we prepare for birth is vital in establishing foundations in motherhood. It is a gift to ourselves and our babies.

Speaking of, one of mines up again!

With love,

Rohana x

Yesterday I got a letter about antenatal care which sent me spiralling into a old survival response that was present with Ks pregnancy.

It started earlier than that, but it’s where I know this anxiety lived the most, and it’s a space I’ve worked to move away from for nearly 3 years. This pregnancy has been grounded in trust, in autonomy and in honoring my body; manifested from genuine joy and love, the whole experience has been filled with magick.

So, yesterday surprised me, but it’s also provided me with material to breathe on, and showed me where I have fears and triggers that I can realise in preparation for this baby.

I’m planning my own mother blessing in a few weeks, so perfect timing!

That said, once the initial stress went, and I cancelled the appointments etc, another wave of thoughts came, much deeper, and more directed at the root issue, rather than this specific instance – especially since its not the first letter or text or phonecall in the past few weeks.

Ultimately, I’ve chosen to attend the appointments I wanted to, to get the information I needed, and the rest, I’ve declined. Midwifery, like many other systems is an opt in system, and in the UK we have the right to choose to attend appointments or decline them. For me, this was sorted months ago…. but the phonecalls and letters have kept coming.

Which got me thinking about autonomy and how pregnancy means that much of the time, our autonomy in given away without our consent. Booked into appointments, told what we should and shouldn’t do, and eventually told when to have our baby – with induction rates soaring and so many reporting coercion, this is not a leap!

Taking steps towards autonomy, making informed choices and choosing to do things that aren’t conformative within the system, often gets pushed back a lot.

Much like it does within the education system. Most free thinking, questioning of authority, or moving towards autonomy, is seen as a threat to the system, disruptive or disrespectful.

I’m not against the education system, but I do believe it needs reform.

Similarly, I’m not against the medical system, but I am against unnecessary intervention, the coercion and bullying that it dishes up too. The birth world especially is known for it.

There are so many parallels I see between them, because ultimately its about the student / patient to conform, make things simple or easy for those in power. And often, not because midwives or teachers want it that way (though there are some!), but because the system is so filled with red tape and tick boxes, that it becomes a conveyor belt. There’s an expectation to conform to protocols, and abide by codes… some of which are very necessary, and others which aren’t. The arbitrary ones are the ones I take issue with.

Standardisation in both systems pushes individual care and support further away, and so, children learn to blend in, figure things out and become ‘good’ in order to get rewards. This then feeds into their adult life… making it easier for systems like the medical one, as well as workspaces etc to expect the same levels of obedience.

It’s incredibly frustrating once you start to see the cracks.

Anyway, for now, I’m moving my thoughts onto paper… going to journal and set intentions for more ease, grace and seamless transitions. I’m grateful to be able to hold myself like this, and proud of how far I’ve come.

With love,

Rohana

I was going to dedicate this post to thoughts about autonomy, birth spaces, education systems and more… but I’ve got a poorly, stuck to me toddler, and honestly no motivation to try and escape when these cuddles are so needed to help him feel safe.

So tonight instead I’m turning to poetry, and I’m going to breathe him in deeply. He’ll never be this small again.

The reality of motherhood.

Change.
Growth.
Stretching.
Pulls.
Push.
Shrink.
Contract.
Slow down.
Bounce back.
Quickly.
Make it count.
Guilt.
Shame.
Blame.
Fear.
Love.
Joy.
Bliss.
Chaos.
Can’t do it.
Don’t have a choice.
Keep going… how?

Because, the reality of motherhood
Is that we will do it all
Again and again
We are tested beyond our wildest means
We are blessed with the most precious gifts.
We protect
We guide
We hold
We heal
And ultimately,
We say
When they’re ready
Goodbye.

The reality of motherhood
Is that there’s nothing quite like it
It’s the hardest
Most wonderful
Rollercoaster ride
Ever
And though I hate rollercoasts
In real life
This one, is pretty damn incredible
To be riding.

I’ll leave it there tonight,

With love, Rohana x

Today has been a beautiful, hard, rollercoaster day that reminded me of just how far I’ve come in the past few years and exactly why I continue to do the work on myself, so I don’t end up back there again.

It’s been a day of cuddles, and after many many reminders and requests to NOT squash my growing belly so much, as well as to not pull, push or pinch me (all of which were of course calls to attention), I eventually got fed up. I had a tangible moment of despair where I could recognise in my body the feeling of being touched out, overwhelmed and anxious all rolled into 1.

Not my idea of fun.

Also, very much a feeling that lived in my body with nearly permanent residence in 2021 when I was growing K.

Ironically, this morning I listened to part of my book and wrote down “birth is a shedding of ourselves… losing parts of who we were, ready for who we will become.” My tangible moment of overwhelm was a shedding… and recognising that means I can move towards releasing it in preparation for the weeks and months ahead.

I’m a Scorpio and my Hogwarts house is Slytherin. As a child, I really wanted a pet snake.

The shedding of old self resonates deeply with me.

As I shed layers, I awaken new aspects of myself… and in this way, am evolving new spaces for the new aspects of me that will come. I have done a lot of that in the past 15 months.

Another thing I’ve done a lot of, and am preparing for even more of is research, cuddles and skin to skin. Its such a commonly spoken about thing now for new babies… prompted as an oxytocin boost, health benefits and a sense of comfort that isn’t available for baby alone.

Today, while K cuddled up to me, he asked for most of the time together with my shirt off  and his off too. So that he could just lay on me and cuddle. Of course this contributed to the squashed belly overwhelm but truthfully it was more the older 2, who still LOVE their cuddles (and I love giving them) who added onto the pile squashing me.

Then, I said “what’s going to happen when baby comes?” They made a plan to take turns, share spaces and also cuddle baby… I’m sure it will be a bit more chaotic than that!

I love listening to their plan thought. It’s like a glimpse into their world and brains, and its fascinating to hear how they rationalise with each other. P and A especially, in a good mood they will do a lot of storytelling and planning.

Skin to skin isn’t just for babies though, I’ve realised more and more as the kids grow up, they still crave that contact and closeness. At night they’ll still tug at my shirt or move to find a different angle, and they always sleep better when they’ve had some kind of close contact. A used to ask to put her feet in my trousers and hands in my shirt to touch my back. It wasn’t always super comfortable but it definitely helped her, and a few minutes of it made the world of difference in calming her down. P, who breastfed until past 3 still tugs at my shirt subconsciously when we cuddle or he chats to me at close quarters.

Skin to skin benefits them.. and it benefits us. I think a bit like extended breastfeeding (which is just normal biological breastfeeding!) it’s got a stigma as they get older… but truthfully it’s no biggie. They get body curious, and ask questions, get comfy and then build security, and like anything, it tapers off.

I think we ask kids to grow up far too young, taking away these comforts, but that is for another day of writing.

For now,

With love, Rohana x

I thought about lots of moments to stop and write today, but once again find myself sat after the kids are asleep… the day goes so quickly, even when we don’t do much at all.

I had no idea what to write, and then, just before he fell asleep, I cuddled P and told him I love him, from the baby who was so small, to now a nearly 7 year old! Time flies.

He said “yes mummy, and I can’t wait for this baby to come out and be like a loaf of bread too” before holding my hand, chatting a bit more and snoring. I love these moments, they remind me that I’m doing alright, even when sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

I had a similar moment with A before she slept. All day she’s been sitting on me and I have to ask her to please not squash my belly, because honestly, though she doesn’t mean it, it’s uncomfortable to be pushed by her little body when there’s no room. She kicked me forgetting about baby, and then realised, so asked if she could talk to my belly. She cuddled and sand, and felt baby move, and every time this happens she gets excited because it’s like they are talking back. Then she fell asleep too… and I thought about how, each one of them touching me somehow, I love them all so much… but where the heck is our smallest addition going to fit?!

I worried with A that I wouldn’t love another human as much as P; because he was my first and I couldn’t imagine it. I worried with K that I wouldn’t have enough arms, and I was right, but we are making it work. Now, I’m pretty sure well just figure things out during the day, but I really don’t know how I’m going to work out the nights. When I spiral, I remind myself that this year I have done 80% of it alone… so if I can figure out 3 alone, we’ll manage the transition to 4 with H around too.

After P said about the loaf of bread, which is something I adopted from my mum telling me how small I was as a baby, he also said we should measure them; so in my head I have a mini photoshoot planned with baby and a loaf of bread! I hope when the time comes I remember to do it; because how absolutely cool it’ll be to get the older kids involved, and do a quick shoot with them. I’ve also got their special shirts I made, but I haven’t got a clue when we’ll manage to do some photos for that yet.

The size of a loaf of bread. I cannot imagine how, from being that small, they have each grown so very much… those days that felt endless, those hours of overwhelm and exhaustion, the exasperation and monotony – it is all a fog. I haven’t forgotten exactly, but it isn’t clear either. It’s a distant memory; one I know I will be reliving (in part) in the next few months, except this time, with a lot more attention to healing and intentionality that before. Preparing for postpartum, preparing for birth, preparing to honour myself and my own transition – not entirely without a village, but also knowing that ultimately, that the village isn’t that rose tinted version I want/would hope for… knowing that the more prepared I am, the easier things will be, and the more I’ll honour my need for rest.

I’m preparing to meet our next loaf of bread baby… making choices that I dreamed about a few years ago; and feeling so much more ready, accepting and excited than ever before.

I’ll share more tomorrow… I’m working on birth plans B and C right now,

With love, xx Rohana