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Where You Birth Matters

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The way a baby is born impacts them on some level for their whole life.

The way they are born. The people around them. The environment they enter this world into.

Baby’s born into war carry that, (if they survive) into the life they live and it physically alters the DNA of their decendants. This has been heavily weighing on my mind this week, as we watch the events in the middle East unfold- with little to no voice given to the reality birthing women and babies are facing.

Baby’s born into immense privilege carry it too… though not always in the ways we might assume. Privilege often equates to a certain amount of resources over and above others. In the birth world, it’s a little more nuanced than that.

Assuming that you’re birthing outside of a war zone then; what impact does the environment of birth really have? It matters deeply, not just for babies but for mothers and partners too.

We cannot prepare for the future without embracing the meaning and the relevance of the baby’s perspective on life.

-Michel Odent

We know that mothers birthing in supported environments where they feel safe and nurtured pass this information on to their babies. The same is true for mothers who birth in conditions of big T and little t trauma. From hospitals to birthing centers to home births, the space you birth will shape everything from the medical interventions used to the emotional atmosphere surrounding your birth. After numerous conversations about why thinking about this as early on as possible matters, I thought I’d write a little on it.

Choosing where to give birth is a deeply personal decision. The assumption that everyone has the information and resources to choose the way they want is one I just cannot make. Socio-economic factors come into play, race, ethnicity and culture too. In the UK (at least at the time of writing in 2024), you can legally choose where you birth, and that choice can absolutely impact the way your birth story plays out.

Ultimately, its your choice, so get informed! There are far too many women told they can only birth in hospital when truly they do have other options. Equally, if the idea of birthing anywhere outside a hospital gives you shudders, then planning that ahead matters.

I want to preface the next few passages by highlighting that ultimately I believe every single baby comes earthside in the way they need to, with their unique birth resourcing them in various ways. 

What are your options?

Hospital, Birth Centre, Home. I won’t chat freebirth, that’s for another day.

Hospitals are the high tech options, sold to us as high safety, but also the space where the highest levels of birth trauma exist. Hopstials are supposed to be safe – and when they work, they are a blessing. More and more though, especially for women who have no or low ‘risk’ factors the hosptial birth story isn’t a happy one.

Hospitals represent the standard choice for childbirth, they are normalised in the media we consume right from childhood, and other spaces are considered ‘alternative’ or even a little radical. There are an array of medical interventions and expertise available, with health care professionals and a full range of technology on hand to monitor baby and mother throughout labour. There’s access to all sorts of interventions and pain relief options, and of course surgery.

While a cesarean birth can be lifesaving; for many of us in the birth world, we can see that it is the interventions prior that snowballed a healthy birth into an emergency. The conveyor belt system of induction and cesarean births is all a bit too neatly boxed up; and it takes away from the rite of passage birth physiologically is.

Hospital births are often a ticket to the trauma train because procedure trumps real life experience, and women are often gaslit, ignored, or violated. Circling back to babies, this also means babies are being ignored, assaulted and sent the information that the world is scary and unsafe.

Birth is nearly never an emergency, but sometimes it is. If you need to prioritise safety with medical resources, then a hospital birth is a blessing.

If you don’t… Read on.

A birth centre/midwife unit:

Birth centres are often described as kind of like the middle ground between hospital and home. They’re quieter, often offer a pool, can have the lights dimmed and try to be as warm and cosy as possible. Most birth centers will try to encourage birth to be as intervention free as possible, and I’ve heard of some beautiful birth stories with supportive staff in them.

However, with the ever increasing agenda to streamline birth (and yes this is the agenda), more birth centres are being closed or told they can’t operate fully because of staffing levels. Midwife units cannot support birthing women if they aren’t supported themselves; which means being able to access these is getting harder. Added to this is the fact most of them are for babies being born physiologically with little / no risk, and will turn away women who don’t their box.

This isn’t without reason, birth centres aren’t equipped to navigate emergencies or complications, and so err on the slide of caution. Birth centres can be some of the most beautiful, supportive and nurturing spaces, and midwives often go above and beyond to make them so… but they need to be given the resources for that to happen.

Home births:

For a healthy woman, the first intervention in birth and labour is leaving home. This is something I learned only after my 2nd child, and having had both hospital and home births myself, it is something I wholly believe to be true. As a woman, I know my homebirths were far more positive than my hospital ones, and I only got here through research and experience.

As a doula who wholeheartedly supports informed choices, I will never tell a potential client where to birth, but I will absolutely encourage you to really think about what that means to you.

Homebirths are growing in popularity, becoming something many mothers return to. I don’t see this as a a coincidence, it is a remembering. A remembering that sovereign birth is something we all have the right to. A return to reclaim the power of birth. Homebirths are in the comfort of your own space, so autonomy comes more naturally. You aren’t entering someone else’s space, they are visiting yours as a support system for you.

You can choose the environment, the lights the music etc, and if you decide you want to transfer, then that’s okay. It’s a choice you make. For first time mothers, there’s evidence to say that home births are far less traumatic, bonding feels easier and healing is quicker. Because in your space, generally speaking you feel safer, therefore all these processes don’t need to be big and hard, they can flow with ease. You can take breaks, chill out, zone out, and rest without interruption or inspection. There’s a reason mammals find/create dark quiet spaces for birthing, it is a primal instinct to do so. Humans like to think we are different, but hardly so.

Before I sign off, I have a question for you. Did you birth in more than one of these settings? What were your experiences of thr difference ? If you feel called to and safe to share, get in touch. I’d be honoured to hear from you.

With love, until next time,

Rohana x

Hiding Behind The Camera

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

A couple weekends ago we went down south to visit family and celebrate my MILs birthday. Naturally there’s a WhatsApp chat where all the photos were shared from the weekend, and one of the gems captured was this one.

It’s me yeah, showing one of my nieces how to use the camera. Not for the first time, she expressed a little interest and it was a real moment of joy to see her get excited about it. A little later, one of my nephews really didn’t want to get in the big family photo so I asked him to help me before we both ran in for it. It might have only been a second but it was a big win for me to share something with him, because I really don’t get enough time to know these family members deeply.

Anyway, when I saw this photo I had a memory come up, and then my husband asked me when I first knew I wanted to be behind the camera instead of in front of it. I stumped me, because I really don’t think there was a specific moment I knew, it’s just been something I grew into.

There were a lot of us over the weekend. Lots of adults, and lots of kids ranging from teens to my tiny baby. It was loud and busy, so of course my camera came with. Over the years it’s always been by my side for big days out, or when I know there’s the potential of overwhelm, because getting creative is a way for me to connect with myself and regulate my nervous system.

I’ve done this for as long as I can remember, from years watching my dad do the same as I grew up, it was a natural progression for me to get involved with him and hide behind the camera too. Of course, now I understand that’s what I’m doing, but back then, it was just what felt good in my body. It was a beautiful way to connect with him over art and it was an easy excuse to take a minute in a crowd.

My dad would bring his camera to group outings or on the family holiday. He’d snap pictures of us out with friends or document events on Gibraltars National Day while everyone else mixed in the crowd. I remember looking for him, and knowing 9 times out of 10, I’d find him behind the camera. Back then (ancient times I know!) he would upload the images onto the computer and spend hours creating slide shows of our adventures, and then sharing it a week or few later with everyone who was there. Now with my own kids and the progress of phone tech, when we see him, I can guarantee I’ll have beautiful photos sent to me without the wait. He’s visiting in a few weeks, and I’ve asked him to bring his camera.

I have picked mine up and put it down so many times over the year, finding that when life feels overwhelming, I can get creative and artistic behind my lens. Now I’m intentionally choosing to do it both when things feel good and when they don’t. Last week I had the privilege of capturing a birthday celebration walk, and this week I’m excited to be trying something new with a friend (watch this space for an update). Asking my dad to bring his camera is another one of those intentional moves.

I think about how my kids see me, hiding behind the camera and creating stories with it. It looks different to the way my dad did, but it’s something I am proud to be passing on. The chance to pause, reflect, capture and create … and then get those creations printed out to tell stories on our walls.

The day we ate apples on the beach after driving 10 hours
Working together on a woodland walk
The day we got ready for baby
Bath time stories

And so many more…

I thought about how when I started to say that I was “hiding behind the camera” I felt a sense of guilt and shame, but actually, I’m not hiding selfishly. I’m gifting myself pauses, I’m gifting myself creation spaces, and I’m gifting my future self the magick captured in moments we’d otherwise forget.

Thanks for reading,

With love, always, Rohana x

Why I became a birth photographer?

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

When I had my first child over 7 years ago, I had never heard of birth photography. I had the idea that I wanted to see my baby being born, and I asked if I could have a camera set up. I didn’t really understand why I wanted to, all I knew was it felt deeply important to me.

The hospital I was birthing at said no. I didn’t argue. I didn’t know how.

That birth, my first child, was traumatic in a number of ways and I’ve worked hard to heal my memories surrounding it. Still, I wish I had photos of it. I wish I could see the woman I was in those moments.

Alas, I cannot.

But I learned my lesson. When I fell pregnant again, I spoke to my partner about wanting to hire a photographer, and so we did.

I looked for a local photographer because at that time, nearly 5 years ago, birth photography wasn’t as popular as it is today. We found one who I trusted and got on with, and she agreed to venture out of her normal photography niche and capture my birth. Those photos are some of the most profound ones I have from that time. Unfortunately, my daughter was ready before anyone else, and the moment I craved capture of, was missed.

Still, having the details like the song she was born to, the pictures of me holding her as I stood up, blood dripped down my legs, cord still attached. They are frozen in time, ready to transport me back. They are a gift from my past self, and they are a gift to my future self too. Moments I have to hold forever.

When I got those images I knew that I wanted to give this to other families. I wanted to capture the rawness of these moments, and the intimacy of saying hello for the first time.

We say that you never forget the birth of your baby, and yes in part it’s true. But memories do fade. Time robs us of details. The haze of motherhood buries the deeply vulnerable early hours postpartum.

Documenting them feels like being able to save a sliver of one of life’s most powerful periods. Giving that to others is a privilege and honour.

When I had my 3rd baby, I hired another birth photographer. We planned a homebirth but ended up freebirthing. She documented the minutes I worried I wouldn’t be able to birth my baby, and she captured the moment where he was between worlds, head here, body not yet earthside, me, a portal.

In the months afterwards where I felt like I was drowning, the photographs she gave us reminded me that I could do the hardest things and survive.

Birth photography isn’t a trend, or just a photo to post on Instagram. It’s powerful, and healing far beyond what we may realise at the time.

Would I recommend it? A big YES! Not only because I do it, but because so many women I’ve spoken to have said, nomatter how their births have gone, they would have loved more images. Those who have them, treasure them deeply.

Baby’s are only born once after all, and no two births are the same.

With love,

Rohana x

The Conditioning of Birth

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

We are conditioned by everything in life.

From the moment of your conception right until the moment you are reading this, you have been absorbing and filtering information. You’re doing it right now too. Every second of every single day.

It’s actually really fucking amazing – and, it means, we have a LOT of conditioning to work through whenever we try to break a cycle or move through some shit.

In terms of birth, what does this mean? We’re not constantly thinking about birth (unless you work in the field) or about how babies come into the world. We don’t actively consider the sacred period of postpartum days. We don’t consciously create a negative or traumatic birth. Why would we?

And yet, the percentage of women who experience birth trauma is rising. It is scary and getting scarier. The maternity services in this country (the UK) are deeply overwhelmed, understaffed, and failing. Arguably this is because of funding and politics and a lack of knowledge etc etc. However, I’ll go a step in a different direction here and say it’s also because we are so deeply conditioned in this society to think about birth a medical problem, a painful experience, and something that we have to survive.

We are conditioned from the moment our parents find out we exist; their thoughts and fears and joys about our birth will transmit information to us, in utero, about what birth is like. Then, our actual entrance into this world either confirms these beliefs that have begun to form, or it challenges them. Either way, beliefs are created- often in the last few generations they were not positive ones.

It might sound a little weird but if you get it, you really do get it. These imprints are the first of many foundational layers of our whole belief system. Every single second. Every single day. It’s all absorbed and filtered.

So then, we hear about birth, we hear screams of labour on the tv, or family and friends talking about the pain and trauma. We grow up with messages that birth isn’t beautiful, that it is bloody and breaks us, and so we fear it.

Generations have birthed under the controlled “guidance” of professionals reinforcing these views that birth isn’t safe or joyful or sacred. 

Granted there are exceptions, and someone will say that it’s “not all” but it doesn’t have to be all. It’s some. It’s a majority. And if you have any other racial or economic cards stacked against you, its even more.

Like I said earlier, we don’t consciously create a negative or traumatic birth. However we often do consciously create (also referred to as manifesting) a positive birth experience.  How? By filtering out the noise. By deconditioning our expectations of birth.

There are some radical revolutionaries out here doing this work. Deconditioning birth and postpartum, and inviting as many families as we can do the same. Those of us who have seen, heard and sometimes even felt the trauma that can be associated with birthing babies into this world; taking our experience and expertise and molding it into something we share. We are here, and we want better for our collective decendants.

We are here breaking the cycle. Saying no more, doing this sacred work of holding these spaces. Saying enough. Saying the conditioning stops here.

I invite you, regardless of where you are in the experience of birth – having had babies or wanting them, not interested in kids or somewhere in between – what are your beliefs about birth? Where have you been conditioned and where have you consciously created these views?

I’d love to hear.

With love,

Rohana x

Should you make a birth plan?

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’ve been thinking about birth plans a lot recently. About how we approach them as a society, how women are often told one of 2 things – that they must make one for their team to be on the same page, or not to bother because nobody’s going to read it anyway. Birth is treated like a ‘to do list’ activity, with no real consideration of the humans it involves.

I’ve been thinking about how these 2 polarising options presented to mothers-to-be are focusing on how birth plans are impacting other people. They are either necessary for autonomy and choices to be honoured- but are they? Or they are a hinderence and going to be ignored. Neither of these give any consideration into how a pregnant woman (and their partner) is impacted by creating these plans.

So who is a birth plan for truely, if not for the person who’s body is actually going to open and bring life earthside?

Heres my twopence.

Your birth plan isn’t for your team. It isn’t pointless. It doesn’t have to be meticulously planned. Your birth plan can be scribbled on a notebook, voice noted into an app, created with deliberate and careful care, or anything in between.

Whether you’re planning a freebirth, home birth, hospital birth or an elective cesarean, making a plan is one of those things that comes up as a “must do” while you prep for birth, and yet nobody really explains why. It’s for you. It’s for your partner if you have one. It’s for your baby. Because in making a plan, setting intentions for how you want the story to unfold and talking about it, either in your head or out loud, you are communicating with your baby, letting them know there is a plan.

When you change the way you view birth, the way you birth will change. ~ Marie Mongan

We (individually and collectively) can’t control every little thing that’s going to happen, because the nature of birth is that it is unique and out of our control every single time. That said, when we don’t plan, then we don’t really know what we want. In birth, and in life, it’s important to know where our boundaries are. 

If you don’t know what you want, then you don’t know what you don’t want.

When you make a plan, you get to decide what is a non-negotiable, and what you’re willing to be flexible about. You get to prepare for this immense transition, and stand in your power through it. In the same way that athletes visualise their win, you can visualise the birth story you want to create with your baby. By doing this, you’re energetically telling the universe that this is the plan- even without writing a single thing down.

I will always say, write things down. When you do, the neurons in your brain form stronger pathways, and your intentions are built with stronger foundations. But even if pen never touches paper, even if not a single plan or intention is spoken out loud, just by visualising it, you’re on the way.

Okay Rohana but is 1 birth plan enough? What should I include? What happens if I want to have a water birth or a home birth and then things change? What if I’m planning a cesarean? Where do I start?

I asked myself all of these questions and more when I was planning my most recent birth. I had made birth plans before, but this one was a freebirth, so I wanted to be extra resourced. I thought long and hard, I journalled, I visualised, I made lists and researched a lot… and I ended up with 3 plans. For me, 3 was enough, for someone else, it might be more.

From those plans, I’ve created this checklist for you, so you can spend more time in the zone of creation and build your support bubble, and less time fretting about whether you’ve thought about everything.

Mostly I tell clients that if they’re making a plan, 2 – 4 plans is best, not to just make the 1. Why? Because there is so much possibility and I’m the kind of control freak (in some areas of life) that needs to prep for the various scenarios ‘just in case’. Creating 1 ideal, everything goes right plan, and 1 emergency plan is the minimum… then there’s the option to flesh out interventions, changes and variations in the middle.

It might like a lot of work, or like youre considering all the ways things could go ‘wrong’, but actually youre taking your power into a situation, where if anything less than your ideal plan happens, you are still sovereign and prepared. It means you’re not throwing your hands in the air or just hoping for the best. It means you are advocating for yourself and for new baby, and if your birthing within the system -regardless of the way you intend to birth- this advocacy is an immensely important muscle to be flexing right from the start.

So, should you make a birth plan – the short answer is yes.

The long answer, is you should make multiple, with different scenarios and different supports. You should advocate hard, and build a foundation of cheerleaders who will hold space for you and nourish you while you labour. You should make your plans in a way that feels good… in a way that is a kind of self care exercise, and a way that bonds you and baby even more. You should share your plans with those who’ll be around, and talk to baby about how you want them to arrive. Make many plans, and resource yourself to aim for the number 1. 

Get your *free* copy of the birth preparation checklists to set you up to create your beautiful story.

For now that’s it, with love,

Rohana x

Hey, I’ve got a favour to ask

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hey, I’ve been busy this week, thinking about how life has changed and my next steps. If you look around the website now, it’s changed a bit. Because of that, I’m kind of walking in the dark here, I’ve changed my email and done some other bits, and I’m not sure if this will work – if it doesn’t I’ll have to figure out another way. Anyway, I’ve put a subscribe button thingy down below; I’m creating an email list, where I won’t bombard you but sometimes thoughts will be a little more personal, updates on life and work will exist too, essentially it’s new direction and I’d love for you to join me. Fingers crossed, if you put your email in the box below, you’ll get added to my list. If it doesn’t work, I’ll try again a different way… I’m over waiting til it’s perfect to figure it out…. so hey ho! Let’s give it a go.

SUBSCRIBE

Why do we Feel Entitled to Children’s Bodies?

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The other day we were on the bus.

A person decided, without asking to stroke Ps hand and try to tickle him. I was stood there, facing the other 2; he was holding the buggy with me. There was no reason, except that his hand was on the banister bit, and she was sat there next to us.

He didn’t like it. (P does not like being touched most if the time, unless he initiates contact.)

He growled and said, “I don’t like tickles”

I turned around, and figured what had happened just as they (ignoring him) did it again. I asked him to move his hand, and said loudly, let’s say “please don’t tickle me” – he did.

The person glared at me, I’m not sure whether it was in anger or embarrassment. P didn’t want to move his hand, he was waiting for our stop to press the bell. The person nearly tickled him again, but I covered his hand with mine. It was a small moment, but had a big impact. At our stop, P, who was already dysregulated because of the long day and wet clothes, came off the bus, and collapsed on the floor.

On another day, he might have been okay and we’d talk about it. That day, it was too much.

I messaged a friend on the way home, telling her about it, and she asked:
Why do we (adults) think we’re entitled to children’s bodies?

I’ve been watching them since it happened, thinking about what she said. From the time they are babies, we make choices for kids, even when we try to give them choices in gentle parenting, there is still so much control. We pick the options and they choose from there… or we just make a plan and expect them to follow. Of course, sometimes it is necessary, but more and more as my kids get older, they push back saying things like “I’m in charge of my body” which is a sentiment I’ve tried to foster over the past few years. Mostly, it brings pride when they use that phrase, and similar sentiments; even and especially when it means I have to check myself and my demands on them. Other times, it makes me realise just how out of whack I have been, like the time where even at the age of 4 my daughter has stood next to me and said “you need to talk nicer mummy” in the middle of a blowout that had started over a sibling fight and led into a spiral of overwhelm from mess, hunger and exhaustion for us all.

These are the moments where I am reminded that not only are my children young whole, full humans, but also that every single other child is too, and that nomatter what the reason, there is never any excuse to exercise my power as an adult over them arbitrarily. I began to dive into the world of children’s rights and consent based relationships when I began my deschooling journey in 2020, but before then, I had never thought about this. Since then however, there have been many unraveling’s, and many moments like this one on the bus, where I’ve wondered why adults think that they can say or do what they want around children, acting as though they are entitled because they are the adult; as though children have no right or power. It makes no (cognitive) sense to me anymore; but then I remember not everyone is on this journey, and many people do still feel like children should be controlled.

When I think about why, I realise there are many reasons; it didn’t just happen overnight. Historically, there has been this idea that children are the property of their parents. Father’s still ‘give away’ daughters at weddings and children were not so long ago sent to work for the family home, for example in India under colonial rule, children were employed in factories and mills – of course this still happens today, with companies employing children as cheap labour, assuming they are entitled to their time and effort, exploiting them. In the west, (most) children are sent to school and expected to live by their parents rule until they are legal adults. The scenario might be different, but ultimately, it’s adults making decisions about children’s bodies, almost always without their consent.

The idea that we as adults are somehow superior to children, when in fact we were once children ourselves is a deliberate mental shift, created by political and social norms that serve those in power. In teaching children that there is a arbitrary hierarchy, we prime them to enter a society where their bodies and boundaries, time and belongings are often entirely ignored. Then, they grow older, and perpetuate the same beliefs and patterns onto the next generation – that’s how we got here: to an elderly person, ignoring my sons obvious discomfort and verbal expression of a boundary, because they probably entirely unconsciously believe that his 7 year old body is less important than theirs. It is a pattern that has been repeated both in their own life and through their ancestors, so, while yes at the time it annoyed me (a fully valid response), I can also see that there was no malice, just unconscious programming.

What does that mean for P? Not a lot and also a conscious leap to break patterns, teaching him, and all my kids that their bodies are there own – and that sometimes I still need to make decisions for them. Working on being a good ancestor rather than a good descendant, undoing my own biases and empowering him with resources to respond in situations where he doesn’t feel heard or respected. It’s hard. I mess up. I keep going. All these little moments make the big picture after all.

What do you think? Come find me on IG and tell me.

With love, Rohana x

The Birth of S

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

It’s been a month, just over actually, since S arrived in our world. A whirlwind pregnancy, and a whirlwind birth, and I say that in the most loving way.

After writing for 40 days, I took a break, and dove deeper into my journals, moved from Plymouth to Scotland and tended to not only my nervous system, but my children’s too – moving really is such a rollercoaster.

2 weeks exactly after we moved into our new space, S arrived… in a glorious, entirely uninterrupted freebirth, with his older siblings witnessing the pain and joy and nearly everything in between.

My early labour started on the Sunday night, the contractions starting off, noticable enough, and also nothing to make me rush. Though I had been joking about how this would be a fast birth, especially when I was stressing about our move, actually, this was the slowest one of all of them.

I slept and Monday morning it was as though nothing had happened. I took the kids up to a play group while H ran errands and walked back home, stopping at various playparks along the way. I rested in the sun, and made peace with the idea that I could still be housing my baby for another few weeks. Of course, that wasn’t the case, but looking back, I think in accepting that there could be weeks of pregnancy still to come, I was able to let go of (at least that part of) the control and wondering that was coming up.

Monday night was the same, and then Tuesday morning, about 5am things started moving faster. Contractions would wake me up, and I was breathing and moaning through them… I said to H, if this kept up we could have a baby before lunch. Alas, it would be another whole day and more.

Things tappered off after breakfast. I cancelled plans and built my bubble… texting a friend who we’d planned as a second birth partner/my emergency contact… she said she would be coming round later if I wanted her to, and so, before midnight she arrived.

Through the day, I swayed through contractions, talked to the kids about how baby was working hard and getting ready, and told them even though it might sound scary, mummy was actually really okay. We played and took photos, I had intended to capture more of the birth story but once it was happening, I didn’t want to be thinking about lights and camera settings… so there are only some beautiful snippets from the early hours.

I cooked dhal and made mango cake with the kids, knowing that in the days ahead, I’d appreciate the nourishing food and sweet treat immensely. The day rocked between restful and restless, I was anticipating contractions and refused to time them, but could sense there was no regularity. They got stronger, and then further apart, and given what had happened with Ks birth, I knew that could mean that baby just wasn’t ready yet.

Bedtime took its toll, I was physically and mentally exhausted and also knew we still had a long marathon to go. My friend was on her way, and while I took the kids to bed, for the last time as just the 3 of them, H put the pool up and eventually they all went to sleep. As they did, I felt peaceful, tired and wondered how the next few hours would go, given that bedtime had once again slowed everything down as I focused on being mum, and turned away from the internal pull to go deep into labour.

My friend arrived, and we sat and spoke a while, H and her sharing stories, me listening in. The oxytocin growing and the support felt immensely. I asked H to fill the pool.

Pool filled, I got in, and the relief was pretty instant. In previous births, water has been a huge part of managing for me, and this was no different. The water makes things easier, and I needed it. Water however, slows earlier labour down, and though I was frustrated that this happened at the time, it also provided the much needed space to rest. I slept in the pool for hours, and it was in this sleepy limbo state where I met my baby, I spoke to him, and he told me to trust him, he was trying and he wasn’t ready yet. It was here, where all the confusion about names melted away, because as we spoke, I called him his name, and afterwards, I knew we couldn’t choose anything else. He had chosen it there, in those moments in the pool.

I got out the pool in the early hours and danced. I shared some moments of reset with my husband when he checked on me,  and journalled my fears, and then, as the dance of labour continued, I put in my earphones and did a breathwork session, setting intentions and adjusting my expectations. I needed to stop trying to fonr the pattern or match this experience to thr ones before, I needed to let S create his own story. It was about 5am when I fell asleep again. 

A few hours later I was talking to E, my friend who had come and stayed over and slept on a mattress on the floor, I told her about my realisation moments, and in true E fashion, she asked what I felt I needed to be supported and nurtured at the time. I love her, and this question really unlocked something for me.

She had some breakfast, walked our pup so H could rest, and then got ready for work. H took her and P & A in the car, dropped her off and went to grab eztra snacks for the kids. I stayed home with K while he watched paw patrol so I could nap… we had joked that as soon as she left, things would quicken. They did.

E had helped me put the TENS machine on earlier, and though contractions were still irregular, I was going deeper. I napped and a while later called H and told him I needed him  and to come home without snacks if need be. He asked if I’d had the baby already, but I was still hours away, I just wanted my person. Though I didn’t want to be touched or held, I wanted him around, because he helped me feel safe – in those moments I was seeking safety and solitude.

I knew I could do it alone. I didn’t want to.

He got home and I was deeply in my zone by then. I came half out of it with the kids, who were so excited, and then, I got in the pool while he played with them, fed them and they watched TV. They wanted to be involved, and so i taught them about breathing with me, and how the sounds mummy was making weren’t bad, because though it hurt, it meant my body and baby was doing exactly what they needed, and it was helping him come out. There are some videos of these moments, I asked H to take because I couldn’t, and the other day, I heard A watching one as she scrolled through my camera roll. She says it reminds her of that day and that it sounded scary but wasn’t bad.

After a while, I wanted space, so they were upstairs, I was down in the pool. I wanted H near, and I also wanted to be alone… so I could feel him close but he knew not to touch me. The kids shuffled arould curious, playing and checking on me.

I knew they were moving around, but it felt so normal and safe… mostly anyway.  I remember at one point they were all shouting and I told them to be quieter… when they didn’t, I told them they weren’t helping baby come. Then they started breathing with me instead, and though it meant I was focusing on them more than my body, it was both funny and wholesome.

Then, as they were upstairs and I was down,  I felt S start to decent. “He’s coming” I said…. and then, I stopped “get A”.

H ran to get the kids, and they came down, watching and waiting. It was nearly an hour later before he arrived, so H moved the laptop to the kitchen and they watched there quietly, knowing it was soon.

That last hour or so was hard. I remember telling H I was dying. He told me I wasn’t, and I told him to shut up because I absolutely was. I told him I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was breaking… I was scared and also, there was a part of me listening in, knowing that because this was where I was, I was at the very end of the marathon now. I heard myself say I could do it and H said “you can, you can, you can” … something we say to the kids.

The next few surges, I held this mantra with me. I can. I can. I can.

And then, I said he was coming – my body took over and I fully became the portal allowing him to enter. H grabbed my phone and video, told the kids to stand by the pool and waited. “He’s here” is the start of the video, the biggest relief and quiet accomplishment palpable in my voice.

S arrived completely of his own accord. I didn’t push. Foetal ejection reflex happened, and he entered into the world in the pool, the calmest, most beautiful experience, exactly what I had hoped for, except better. The video is one I will treasure forever.

As soon as he was here, I brought him out the water and the kids wanted to meet him, so I invited them into the pool, reminded them he was still attached to the placenta and they touched his head, saying hi. K said “it’s a baby kid” which when I listen back sounds like either pink or pig, but H understood he was saying S had arrived.

The pool started turning red; the kids got out and I followed. We knew from our experience with K that the placenta could be very quick, but just to be cautious, I had some tincture that I’d bought specifically. Within 10 minutes of his birth, squatting over a bowl, the tiny placenta that had been the life force of S while he grew was out, and though again we were cautious to watch the bleeding, after those initial few minutes, aside from the intense nausea, I was feeling so good.

It was post birth that I started actually being sick, my bodies reaction to the intense marathon it had just completed. H fed me, and made sure I was hydrated… but for a few hours, nothing stayed down. We called the midwifery team after the placenta arrived, and they sent someone out. She was honestly lovely, kind, excited to be coming out to a freebirth, and so congratulatory through the whole thing. I had been worried about calling anyone but she made the whole experience feel so easy, she notifed our birth and checked with us every step of the way.

A few hours later, once we’d told families and friends about our new addition, it was bedtime, and so the kids all chambered into bed and said goodnight to their new baby brother. The weeks following have been a beautiful rollercoaster… the most healing postpartum I’ve had. The most restful. The most active in many ways too. It’s been such a different experience… I wish I could bottle parts of it up to gift away. Between the mini meal train organised by E, and trip my mum did (flying from Gibraltar!) to see us and cook so I could rest, and the beds on the floor downstairs that helped H insist I rest, and the 12 days at home while others came to me or went out, I have really felt that there is no “right” way to do postpartum, but that there is so much that can aid us if we lean in. An

Anyway, there it is, the birth story of S. I could have written more… but its already 2000 words long, and I’ve lost many details already honestly. Like with everything, this is my version, this is my experience, and it is what I can remember… but truly words don’t give me the real way to describe this story. Alas, it was far more than these letter combinations can convey.

I’ll write again soon (ish),

With love, Rohana x

Would you like to share your birth story? Do you have questions? Get in touch and let’s chat.

When Parenting makes us want to ‘escape’ and our flight response gets big

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Parenting is a rollercoaster of emotions:

Last night I yelled at my kids to go to sleep. I was tired. They were hyper. I, growing a human who is nearly ready to arrive earthside now, was grumpy, and after a long day which I thought would make them more tired, I was ready to crash and sleep. In fact, I slept while they jumped and played and stimmed. Cognitively, I knew they were hyper from the day and needed my help. Somatically, I wanted to get up, go into the other bedroom and ignore them. I didn’t, because they would have run after me; but I wanted to… which got me thinking about our flight response as parents, and I realised I hadn’t written about it yet.

So, since it’s 5am and the dog woke me up, I’m going to write and then go back to bed! A perfect start to my day.

From the biggest joy and pride, to immense stress, guilt and overwhelm, all bundled into the same week or day or even hour. Parenting is hands down a journey filled with love, laughter, and tears, sometimes alone, sometimes with the kids as they burst their emotional riverbanks too! As parents, we often find ourselves in situations where the demands of life become too much to bear, we are alone, feeling unsupported and like nothing is ever going to get easier – have you been there? Where the actual support we do have just vanishes from memory, and all the gorgeous moments disappear into a foggy part of our brains… it’s not fun!

Picture this: You’re juggling work, household chores, school runs, extracurricular activities, doctors, food shopping and a never-ending list of responsibilities. Your mind is racing, your energy is depleted, and all you can think about is escaping to a quieter, simpler time or space. It’s not that you don’t love your children – you do, more than anything in the world – but you’re exhausted, and you need a break.

I felt like this for the first time a few years ago; and oh my goodness the guilt set in! I didn’t have the language to understand what was happening, and so I thought something must be wrong. Was I just a really shit parent?

No… no I wasn’t. And you’re not either! In fact, you are pretty goddamn amazing so if you’ve got a guilt brick, take it and toss it out the window as soon as you can – though don’t toss a real brick out any windows please! I only advise this metaphorically!

Annnyyyyhow; the point, is that actually, this is a parenting flight response. I’ve written about Fight and Freeze already, so here is Flight; the stress response that has parents wanting to escape their little tiny human creations, not because they don’t love them, but because navigating parenting in todays world is overwhelming, especially when we have to do it alone. The village isn’t going to show up and save anyone; we gotta go create our own!

The flight response is a common coping mechanism for overwhelm, and parenting is a great space to find it. It’s that urge to run away from it all, even if just for a moment, to catch your breath and recharge. It’s about seeking solace in the midst of chaos, yearning for a temporary escape from the relentless demands of parenthood. What doesn’t count though is stuff like going shopping or running errands alone… that isn’t escape or replenishment, that’s still necessity!

I’ve been there – we all have. Those moments when you sneak into the bathroom for a few minutes of peace and quiet, pretending you need an extra-long shower just to have a moment to yourself. Or when you find yourself daydreaming about running away to a tropical island where the only thing on your to-do list is reading books and drinking mango smoothies on the beach. Right now my mango smoothies get stolen and my most recently picked up book was ‘Dear Zoo’ which I adore reading with them… but is so, so, so boring after a while! Audiobooks are such a lifesaver!

But here’s the thing – it’s okay to feel this way. We can love our kids and also at times really resent them. Yep, I used that word – resent – because ultimately, these little (gorgeous) humans take so much from us, especially in the early years with basic needs of rest and nourishment. I can imagine as they grow, it’ll change and still be hard, but I don’t hear parents of teenagers talk about resenting their kids much; maybe because it’s taboo, maybe because they too are in a freeze response, or maybe because (here’s my hope), once the kids get a bit older, and dinner isn’t a battle so much, and they understand the concept of 20 minutes, it’ll get easier! Or maybe it won’t.

Either way, parenthood is tough, and it’s perfectly normal to crave a break from time to time. Acknowledging your need for a breather doesn’t make you a bad parent; it makes you human. We all need moments of escape to rejuvenate our minds, bodies, and spirits so that we can come back stronger and more present for our little ones. Sometimes that means getting some physical space, other times, it’s about digging deep into our toolbox – either way, the next time you feel the urge to escape the chaos of parenthood, remember that you’re not alone.

Take a deep breath, find a moment of peace, and give yourself the grace to recharge. Because in the end, taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your children. Remember, self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary.

If you have any thoughts on this, write back to me. I’d absolutely love to hear what you think because this is one of those underrated, unspoken topics that I’m pretty sure we all go through. Share your stories, tell me why I’m wrong, or just say hi! I’ll see you soon x

With love,

Rohana x

P.S. A quick reminder before you go; that you’re doing an amazing job, even when you feel like flying away.