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Pregnancy Part 7 – Spending Time With Hubby

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Flying visit

I dropped my husband off at the airport yesterday … I think I will refer to him as ‘H’ at points because if not saying husband or significant other etc. all the time is a bit odd.
He literally came to Gibraltar for a flying visit… arrived on Tuesday and left Saturday so we had 4 nights together. Still, in such a short space of time we did make the most of it and tried to get a few bits done… we talked a lot and of course, as is us, we argued too, but at the end of the day I am really really glad he made it over because I missed him.
I miss him again already.
He’s back at work now and I am not sure that I’ll see him again before the baby comes. In many ways, I resent this, because I see couples who, admittedly have had better timing, get loads of time together, and they experience the wonders and woes of pregnancy and birth and babies and family life all as a real couple. I sometimes don’t feel like we are a real couple because he lives away.

Party time

When he was over we had a party of sorts to celebrate baby and marriage and generally us… it was really lovely, even though he probably thought it was a bit useless, it was something we needed to do because my family/family friends didn’t really get to celebrate our wedding with us.
We hosted a small event at Bistro 292 in Main Street and hats off to them because they did a fantastic job! The food was wonderful and the staff are always friendly. We would have loved to put some music on and have a wedding slide show – which I made but didn’t work 😞. Still the evening was good… H interacted with a few people and the men mostly segregated themselves in conversation so we left them to their corner and I socialised mostly with the women’s table but tried to talk to everyoen as much as possible. The photo below is most of us, although some people left early.
Bless them they are all so lovely and have been so supportive with all the surprises recently. I am especially grateful to them for this for my mum because I know that we were both quite worried about how my baby news would be received. These people are my extended family, even if they are not blood relatives and have been so influential as we have grown up… but they are also traditionalists in many ways, and while we are together as a group, we have a lot of differences too! I had initially worried that they would judge my surprise but they have been wonderful and I think that they are partly the reason my mum was on board so quickly. Times like this do truly show us who the closest people we have are.

Our Short Days

The rest of the days with my hubby honestly went by in a blur. I had my Yoga exam on Wednesday and he was absolutely exhausted from travelling and the party so he slept in the morning and spent time with my grandma in the afternoon while I took my exam. Then bless him he dressed up all smart and proper to meet me for a photoshoot and dinner – we did the first part but it was so bloody windy that we ended up having a snack and eating at home.
I will put the photos (as many as I can) up of the shoot when I get them. My mum’s friend Gerry did it for us, and she is going to do another one of my when I am massive and waddling 😂. I truly am lucky to have so many wonderful people supporting and helping and getting excited for me. In many ways, it is through them that I have given myself permission to feel happy and excited too.
We didn’t do much else really… watched a movie, went for lunch (H treated me which was very lovely of him), and we cuddled, talked, argued a little and made love. The few days we had were not enough, but we are used to having short hellos and long goodbyes… unfortunately that is what long distance relationships are like. Still, it was worth it.

Our Arguments

I honestly don’t know why I get so annoyed sometimes. I feel like a terrible yogi when I look back because the practice of Ahimsa (non-violence) is not one I follow with ease – but it is all part of the journey I know. I am not saying I am physically violent, but I think emotionally, I get worried and annoyed and mean… it is something I most definitely have to work on.
Part of it is because he isn’t around so I am scared he won’t be involved – in fact, I know he won’t and that really hurts. Rationally I know it bothers him, but sometimes I feel like I have the short end of the stick. I want to work on that… practice my Yamas and Niyamas and show him that I care much more about the person he is that what my friends or family think… and show him that I know he wants to be involved. I want to be a wife he is proud of.
We are always going to fight… I have a very short fuse and he knows how to irritate me without trying… That said, my husband is a saint in his reactions to me… He very rarely reacts badly, and if he does, it’s a look of frustration or a slight change in his voice. He is calm and lets me go on and on until he can see I am done and then gets up and hugs me… His hugs make the world melt away and everything gets better. Even if I am still annoyed, I know that he loves me and that the is telling me that things are going to be okay… he is NOT a communicative person but his subtle actions are his way of talking I think.
It’s a wonder he ended up with me because I am not at all like him. I do know however, that even though we are dissimilar, I am so lucky to have him as my rock.

Future Plans

I hope to see him before August but at the moment we have no plans. If I don’t then the next time we get to say hello there will be a tiny human that is a bit of him and a bit of me in the world…. it’s actually an entirely scary but beautiful thought.
Theo and I miss him… I think Theo does anyway – through me I feel like he does sense a change in mood or presence. I definitely miss H, but I know that we are stronger than the distance between us and eventually, things will work out… for now our future plans are uncertain but we do know that our baby is coming and we love him. For now, that is enough.

Yoga – My Hatha Exam

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Despite my blog name relating heavily to yoga, I have failed to so far explain my relationship with yoga. I do intend to do so, but, that is for another time.

I am training and will hopefully pass my exam to qualify as an Integral Yoga Hatha Level 1 teacher on Wednesday – i.e. tomorrow! And while I have been teaching for a few months at uni, I am now really nervous.

Yoga, class and my brief background:

The basic integral yoga class is wonderful, it works with the bodily systems in a straightforward order and through the asanas, a student is encouraged to tune in to their body and listen to what it tells them. As someone who grew up doing yoga and attending satsangs with my mum, this feeling is a beautiful one that I have learned to appreciate as I got older. I love that yoga has taken off and people are interested in it, but for me, yoga has always been more than posture and I am blessed that my mum has brought me up with the Yoga Centre in Gibraltar playing a big part in my childhood life.

Now as a teacher in training, the joy I feel when I can see my students reach this peace and comfort is immense. In some ways, I actually prefer teaching to my physical practice because I love sharing yoga with other people.

Yoga Society:

I started a society at uni with a couple of other students and we have really enjoyed it, plus I have been privileged to develop a lot of friendships through it.
If my classes continue next year with the baby that will be wonderful… but at the moment I am not committing 100% to anything because I have no idea what Theo will be like and I of course want to put him first. That said, I hope to have a yogi baby so maybe he will just come to class with me and inspire others until he can join in.

My course:

The course is a basic 200 hour qualification… encompassing Raja Yoga (science of the mind), Hatha (physical) postures or Asanas, aspects of the yogic diet, lifestyle, meditation and much more.
There is chanting which I absolutely adore and being pregnant I am trying to encourage chanting with my baby – for example my alarm in the mornings is the ‘Hari Om’ chant so I can wake up connecting to higher energy fields.
We also, of course, do a lot of pranayama and right now I am nervous about teaching kapalabati (the skull shining breath) because during pregnancy it is recommended that women refrain from the breath so I haven’t taught it at uni BUT I have to teach it for my exam.
So now, I am studying for my written theory exam which has a lot of Anatomy and Physiology in it as well as general knowledge about Integral Yoga; and, I am also preparing for my oral exam where I have to demonstrate teaching a class to a few students and my teacher.
Luckily I have my mum! She has been a teacher for over 20 years, has helped with the training for various other groups of students and has been my personal guide through the entire training. Since I have done a lot of it long distance at university, this has meant lots of Skype sessions and late night chats about body systems, Sanskrit names and other yoga related things. Basically mum has been my saviour and she is about to go over some last minute bits with me now too.
I will write more about yoga and what it means to me, and yoga during pregnancy too… but for now, I am going to practice and hopefully I won’t over think and complicate my life.

Post script – I passed!

I took the exam and barring the Kapalabati breath, which of course I was so worried about that I entirely messed up, I passed the exam and got some wonderful feedback.
Thank you so much to my mum and Aunty Nalanie for encouraging me and training me through the last year. I definitely feel like going back to uni there is a lot more I have to offer now as well.

Pregnancy Part 6 – The Bus

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Weekend Break

This weekend, since my parents were both off, we booked a hotel in Seville. It was a small getaway with a few family friends – we used to do them all the time but recently it’s less because everyone has their own stuff going on. Nevertheless, even though we were a small group of 11 people, it was wonderful to have some time out and enjoy the sun. Seville is a beautiful city.
In Spain the Easter holidays are a huge deal… and in Seville, Semana Santa is almost a bigger event than Christmas and the Festival of the 3 Kings – Reyes. Palm Sunday (today) was the start of the week-long processions and celebrations in the city so there was a buzz in the air as we walked around. I had forgotten what an important time this was, mostly because even thought I know I am home for the Easter Break, I haven’t really given much thought to when the holiday is and what it means. For me, having the few weeks off is a chance to catch up on some writing, do my coursework and yoga exam and actually relax…
My plans this week at least are to study and to get fat.

Speaking of which… my belly seems to be growing huge and fast! I have put on 5.5 kg since Christmas and I am really proud.

On the left I’m 12 weeks … just married and even still a lot bigger than before I was pregnant… On the right is me this weekend. I still have 16 weeks to go at least.

My Bus Experience

The distinct difference means I actually do look pregnant now… so much so that for the first time ever somebody gave up their seat for me on the bus.

I wanted to post about it on Saturday after it happened but a lack of reliable wifi made that impossible. Plus, since we were with a group of people (family friends), I didn’t want to spend loads of time away being unsocial. That said, on the bus journey into the city I did write a little bit:

“Today was the first time someone gave up their seat on the bus for me… It ws really quite a strange feeling because usually I’d be that person – not that I get use the bus very often at uni, but when I have, or if I’ve been on the London Underground, I am always conscious that other people might be more needy of the seat I am using. 
I was initially taken back slightly and quite happy to stand but after a few minutes of swaying and jerking I was quite glad for the seat. I must really look quite pregnant now then… although even at 24 weeks now I still forget sometimes that I am a human incubator.” 

It was quite an odd occurrence but also really lovely to know that there are people who do give up seats for pregnant women. We spent the entire day walking around Seville as well so my feet by the end were swollen and sore, any respite during the day was welcome and looking back even just that 20 minute bus journey where I got to sit down was a real kindness.

Whoever the girl is who gave up your seat, I thank you…. and to anyone who does give up their seat, for pregnant women or for the elderly or anyone who might need it, thank you. It is people like you and small acts of kindness that reverberate around the world and help heal it.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I am now back home and my little brother has the week off so hopefully we will get some time together… I have studying to do and essays to write so it’s looking like another busy week. I hope whoever reads this has a lovely Easter if you celebrate it or a lovely week if you don’t!

Pregnancy Part 5 – Uncertain at home

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So, as I’ve already established, I am a student and students have holidays. My last post was about my airport musings as I waited for my flight over a grilled cheese sandwich and hot chocolate but now I am home.

This is a beautiful photo of home: Gibraltar, taken by my dad. At one point it was actually pinned up on my uni wall for when I got homesick. It’s small and over-crowded, but it’s home.
Unfortunately, even though home is wonderful, it is definitely somewhere that I am more uncomfortable being pregnant and in the next couple of weeks I need to work on that and get over it. The community is quite small and so everyone knows everyone here… which means that most people who are acquainted with either my parents, brother or myself will probably have heard or seen that I am carrying a tiny human.

Why am I uncomfortable?

I love my baby – even though I haven’t yet met him. I feel protective and bonded with him and whenever he moves inside me I stop and take note because it is a feeling I know will not be one I am gifted for long. It is beautiful and while I do believe that pregnancy is not all that TV glamours it up to be, I do love the fact I have been given a soul to carry and raise.
BUT…
I am a student, and when I was living here I had all these ambitions and opinions on how I was going to change the world. I wanted to make myself into someone and I, for a long time, believed that marriage and babies was a thing that other women wanted but that I did not.
Top this with the fact that my parents (who are amazing and supportive) are also very conservative… and also that I semi-belong to the Indian community here… my pregnancy is a little bit of an awkward situation socially.
I have for the last 4 days had the mental battle of whether to hide my bump with leggings and a hoodie because that would be more conservative, or flaunt it because I am proud that I am carrying a tiny human. My parents are known community members, they both have jobs that deal with the public and in some ways I feel like it is extremely unfair on them to flaunt something that is really quite a cause for gossip… Luckily, they, despite their social conventions, have been nothing but supportive. They bought baby a mini crib for when I deliver and have my first couple months here, and are helping me with loads of stuff.
It is more my awareness of the social stigma that my pregnancy carries that is causing this battle than anything anyone has said – but while I profess to be a strong minded yogini, I am also flawed and this battle is one that I am still facing.

What should I do?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to this yet. If anyone has any advice then I’d love to hear it.
I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, but I am not embarrassed of my belly. Yes, my little miracle was a surprise but he is loved by his entire family… he is healthy and moving and I am cherishing the job I have of helping him grow. I am trying to learn what is best and I am praying that the universe will guide me so that I can do everything possible to shape him into a good, kind, confident and happy person.
Rationally I know that there is nothing anyone can say that I haven’t already thought or expected people to say… I think that I just need to come to terms with the fact that I broke the rules and did something unconventional. I may have had a life plan, but the universe had a better one and I need to learn to accept that.
I have just over 2 weeks left here and a hell of a lot to do… so I hope that by the time I head back, the battle is over, and my mind is closer to peace.

Pregnancy Part 4 – Airport Musings.

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall
You never see pregnant people at airports. In all my memory I do not remember ever seeing a pregnant woman at an airport.
I know there are rules: you can’t fly after thirty something weeks but I am only 23 so it’s fine. Still, I look pregnant and people have noticed, and so it got me looking around for other women with belly’s sticking out a little. There have been none. Maybe it’s just an odd day and pregnant women aren’t flying, but as I sit here waiting, it’s an observation.
I do this thing at airports, and lots of public places really; I people watch. It’s a good way to pass time, and it usually results in some interesting conversations with myself.
There’s a man over there who looks very tense, but he’s not dressed for business so maybe he’s going to see family that he’s not very fond of – a brother who’s his fought with and a sister in law he doesn’t like.
The family to my left seem very happy, perhaps on the way to a holiday they have been planning all year. The girl looks about 12 so if she’s anything like I was at her age, she’s probably very excited to see a new place, and the boy, around 17 is reading; maybe he has exams to study for. They look like the perfect nuclear family… something my husband definitely does not want.
We talked about that this weekend. He visited again and we celebrated his 21st birthday… it’s strange how that milestone no longer seems of much consequence because we have a little one on the way. But next year my son will celebrate his dad’s 22nd and even sooner, I’ll spend my 21st with my baby.
We talked about a lot this weekend, kids, our future, my job prospects and university. Hubby can’t get leave to come down for my first term so we’re going to be on our own most of the time. Luckily I have a wonderful family and my star parents have said they will fly to the UK and help when they can… but little Theo and I will be on our own for a large part of the year and we will just have to figure out how to make things work. I’m terrified but I’m also very excited.
A family just walked past me with an infant. Airports do have a lot of facilities for babies and kids to be fair. I know that for example once my little one is born, most airline will allow me 2 items of luggage related to the child for free (for example a car-seat and pram/buggy or travel cot etc) which is really quite useful. There’s a huge play area a little walk away from where I’m sat which is always teeming with children when I come here. Airports are pretty family friendly, so maybe my observation about them lacking pregnant women isn’t fair – or maybe it’s just that most of the time, pregnant women don’t fly home for Easter break.
It’s almost time for me to board so I’ll sign off… next stop: home!

Pregnancy Part 3 – Don’t Let a Bad Day Become a Bad Week

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Yesterday:

I am a second year student at the moment and Theo (we decided a name for the bump) was a big surprise… but my plan is to continue my degree next year and come back for the 2 terms I am required to. I’m being optimistic and idealistic in some ways, but the goal is for Theo and I to graduate in July 2018 – we’ll get him a little gown and everything!
That said, university is not easy.
I have struggled this year – partially due to morning sickness and wedding planning stress – with the jump in expectations and have seen myself go from a student who averaged 72% last year, to one who’s averaging 64% this year. I have 7 grades still to get, some pending and some because I haven’t taken my exams yet, but there is still a significant drop. I want an overall 2.1 at least so after we talked about it, my husband and I decided that he would apply for 15 weeks off work on parental leave so that he could be around for my first term.
My husband works away so this time was important, not only because I will want some help, but also because it gave him a chance to develop a relationship with Theo… and gave us a chance to be parents under the same roof for at least a few months. The plan was that he’d go back to work in January and I would finish my 12 week term, go home for a few months and then after graduation, move in with him.
Lest to say, the fact that yesterday was a bad day means that a lot of this has just gone to pot. Work has said that because I do not work (full time student over here), he is not eligible for the time off… which basically means he gets the standard 2 weeks paternity leave and then we are on our own. The university has a nursery so I get to use that from January (policy is no baby under 6 months) but until then, Theo and I will be on our own for the most part.
My parents and extended family are amazing and they have all offered loads of help, which I am sure I will need and will take but that isn’t the point… the point is that we were meant to be a family and now my husband has to essentially miss the first year of his son growing up. He would have missed bits anyway, but I felt like those few months would make a difference.

Que Sera Sera…

Yesterday, to process this, I ate an entire tub of vanilla ice cream (and felt pretty crap after) and ended up watching like 4 episodes of Greys Anatomy. It was only 4 because I was moving my belongings into the room next door where Theo and I will live next year… but it was still fairly unproductive because I was giving myself some time to feel like crap basically.
But today is a new day!
I have a presentation tomorrow morning, and I have a yoga class later today. I have chores and reading and I do not have time to wallow in self pity. More than that, I am a yogi, and I know in my heart that the universe has a plan so I need to get up, smile and make sure that I don’t let yesterday’s bad turn affect today.
My tattoo is very apt, and I might not always do it but I try to keep this as a motto of life:
“Que Sera Sera, 
Whatever will be, will be,
The future’s not ours to see,
Que Sera Sera.”

Mother’s Day, Family Time and Food for Thought

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Mothers Day – my weekend away

This weekend I travelled to Cardiff to see family and basically procrastinate my presentation. Of course, in Britain its mothers day today so the weekend has tied in nicely with celebrating and having some quality time with my Great Aunt and her daughter… to make life easier I’ll call them G and Aunty K.

I’ve spent the weekend with Aunty K and her family who have super busy lives so it has been pretty non-stop but also a really nice change. The kids are very intelligent and curious, and parents work hard with G being here to help out – I’ve grown up with them so it’s always nice to catch up but really its the first time I’ve been to their house. We might be in the same country but schedules can conflict and even though it’s only 3 hours away by train, it’s still a bit of a trek so inevitably with assessments and bump growing I’ve made excuses. That said, I am glad I finally made the time.

To top things off, Cardiff has had one of it’s rare weekends of sun so yesterday we had a girls day out and rather than cinema or shop we spent a few hours walking around making the most of the weather.

I have really missed my mum this weekend though!
And my Nani (grandma) too actually. We don’t have a lot in common but my Nani is like a second mum at times, and we were quite close when I was younger so it would have been wonderful to spend the day with the both of them.

I am looking forward to going home in just over a week! It is seriously brilliant that the term has ended, though it also means that I am much farther along in the pregnancy and I can’t quite comprehend how quickly everything has happened.

I think eventually I’ll dedicate an entire post to my mum because our relationship is not one I can sum up in a few words; she is the most wonderful person and I have a lot to thank her for. I am a little gutted that I couldn’t celebrate her this weekend but I will definitely do my best when I am home – she deserves it!

Food for Thought

They have some really good basic rules here which I like. I’m sure there are loads more because the place runs like a well oiled machine but from what I’ve seen I think I’d like to steal and adapt these:
No phones at the table
Family board-game every Saturday
Adults need time to themselves in the evening 
I definitely want to lead by example and have no phones at mealtime… even though sometimes it’s a little annoying, it makes a big difference to the conversation. Also the family board-game idea is wonderful because again it is cultivating this idea of family time being an essential part of the week…
Homework is a priority here and that is to me a no-brainer! I have always appreciated the persistence of my parents in encouraging my academic life and I intend to do the same with my children. I also like the idea of being involved the way my parents were so that they know what school is like. By the time bump goes to school the system will have completely evolved from what I went through so it’s a good way to keep up to date.
Another thing I really love is the influence of music. The kids are all at some level focused on an instrument or their voice and I think it’s super important… personally I have no musical talent though I love to sing, but my brother is very musical and I want to encourage that in bump and whatever siblings he ends up with.  That said, he’s kicking as I write so maybe he likes the idea!
 
It’s by no means a perfect household… and some aspects of the tight ship are not ever going to be a possibility for us and our little family but I do aspire to having kids that are as ambitious as these guys; they work hard and it pays off.
I guess really I can’t plan too far ahead, but I do want to build a solid foundation of trust and openness and appreciation of family time. I see technology advancing and look back at my childhood – I might only be 20 but the world has changed a lot and I do in some ways fear becoming lazy because technology is such an easy solution for entertainment etc
Alas, we cannot predict the future so whatever will be, will be…

Am I a mum yet?

Even more than enjoying the day and missing my mum, I have been hit with the realisation that next year, I will have my own son to celebrate with. He may be too little to have a clue what the day is but I never imagined myself celebrating it at 21.

Aunty K actually gave me a card and little pressie because I’m ‘joining the mum club’ and in some ways, even though my baby is still small and nestled safely inside me, I do feel like a mum. Every time he moves I am reminded of the little miracle inside me… my husband say’s it doesn’t count but I believe it does. I love my baby already so much and even though I haven’t held him, I am a mum-to-be and while it scares me it also is the most wonderful feeling.

Pregnancy Part 2 – Sex Surprise and Uni Life

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Restarting and introduction

So my first blog post was at 21 weeks, I am now 22 and 1 day and I think looking at it now, I really overthought what I was writing. I meant a lot of it and it was cathartic to go through the discovery of my tiny human because I haven’t really processed it until now. That said, I want this blog to be a place of discovery and thought, but also a place where if anyone does read it, people can see what life as a student with a baby is like.

I am blessed to have the support of my wonderful parents, and am genuinely so lucky to have my husband be the man he is. While my parents won’t mind too much if I write about them, I will be more vague about my husband, because he likes to keep a low profile on the internet and I respect that.

Anyway, I want to use this as a place to share my reality, so here goes…

My baby is a boy!👦

We found a few days ago and it was super exciting. I have been too busy to write until now but am finally doing it…

My husband was visiting uni for the weekend (we do live apart because I am a student and he works) so I booked us a gender scan to find out. It was the first scan he has been able to come to and honestly the trip was worth it just to watch him watch our baby… he is going to be such an amazing dad.
The lady at the clinic also showed us a 4D scan and he is convinced that baby boy does not have my nose – something he has pointed out is in fact a blessing because I have a large nose. Still, the look on his face as he saw the baby move inside me is a memory I will cherish forever.

It’s odd actually, I had felt for a few weeks before finding out that baby was a boy…my housemate
Danielle and I both had a joke about it as I was getting bigger… but now that I know, I can’t quite get used to referring to the bump as “he”. I suppose when we pick a name it’ll get easier but we are still a bit stuck on that.

Student Life…

Being a student last year was fantastic in a lot of ways, and also sucked in a lot of ways. I did really well in lessons and assignments but I didn’t really do much else. Danielle and I had a lot of movie nights, and I watched a lot of telly… Basically I did not live the ‘student life’ people always rave about: I didn’t want to.

This year, I was determined to change that so I set up a yoga society (I’ll do a post about yoga soon!) and I joined the Southampton University Royal Navy Unit (SURNU) as well. I was (and am technically) treasure for the Photography society and a course rep. In other words, I wanted to have a social life but I made sure that it was still revolving around things I liked and would not necessarily involve large amounts of alcohol.

My social life has been better… and even though I found out I was pregnant in November, I am still part of SURNU – an associate member, and I teach yoga between 1 and 3 times a week. As a society we do a quiz at the union every week or couple of weeks and I have made a lot of really good friends through the society so it’s been a real blessing to have. The only thing that has suffered is photography because I initially had a lesson that clashed with it and after that I was too tired to go out after a long day so I have been a pretty terrible committee member for them.

Uni-wise, I am a solid 2.1 student and I do work hard, but I also procrastinate and sometimes the idea of a 2000 word essay makes me want to curl up and quit… t’s not the most fun time but little kicks and flutters remind me that I am studying for a reason. In the end, when my baby and I cross the finish line and graduate (yes, he will graduate too – he knows lots about my course because I study by reading aloud), it will definitely be worth it.

I don’t think being pregnant has (yet) impacted my life regarding my course directly… sure there were lectures at the start where I had to leave to throw up my breakfast and others I have missed for scan appointments or just sheer exhaustion but I still show up, I do my work and I am trying. My social life would probably be a bit more exotic if I was not carrying the bump around but I don’t mind it really so I haven’t lost out… Next year will be the big test so we’ll see.

I don’t have much else to say at the moment so I will awkwardly sign off… I’ll write soon 🙂

Pregnancy Part 1 – Discovery

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

There are a lot of things in life that make up a person; their name, their gender identity, their family and friends. It’s crazy when you think about it, that every little interaction and experience we have ever had contributes to who we are. I have been arrogant enough to often think that I am not influenced by society; that I am not a ‘sheep’ but rather that I am a person who can rise about the labels of society.  The reality is however, that I am just another woman who is a culmination of all my experiences, and so I have decided to write them down. I want to document my life experiences as a student, and a mum and a yogi on her journey to peace.

Today, I am 21 weeks pregnant and both exited and terrified. As a child, I have no idea what my stance on having children was, but as a young teenager I hated the idea – marriage and a family were for women who were conforming with society and I wanted no part in it. When I started dating my husband, things began to change. He is a family man and as things got serious and we talked about it, I discovered that the idea of having a family appealed to me – but of course, that would after I had a fancy career and had built a life for myself. I think back to the woman I was then and laugh; I was naïve to think that I could ever be in control of such things. So, I sit here, in my messy room of a university flat, aged 20 and 21 weeks pregnant. My life couldn’t be more different than what I had imagined at 15.

It’s sad but I can’t remember the date in November that I found out about my pregnancy. What I can remember is that I was not happy about it…

My then fiancé (we got married in January) was over visiting me at university for the weekend and I couldn’t shake a nagging feeling that something was up. We talked about it but we were both sure I couldn’t be pregnant – I was on the pill and we’d been careful so it seemed almost impossible. I had a pregnancy test in my room, that I had bought over a year before after a missed pill and mental freak out, but then my period had arrived and there was no need for it, so I took that test, and I was negative. Still, I had a weird feeling, and during my meditation I felt like I needed to buy another and test again. So I went online and ordered a pack of early detection tests and waited.

It was a Sunday. I had a double yoga class to teach from 16:30 and by 15:00 the tests were still not here. We got ready, and at 15:20 they arrived. Should I take them before class? Or should I wait until the morning? I decided to take them. I took 2 (just to be sure) into the bathroom with me and awkwardly waited until I was calm enough to pee on the sticks. Finished, put them on the side and went to wash my hands and wait. As I waited, my housemate went into my room to talk to my fiancé so those little positive lines came up and I was stuck in my bathroom waiting (and freaking out).

Eventually, she left my room and I walked in with the tests. I didn’t say a word, just held them up. It was 15:50 by this point so after a moment of shock we got up and finished getting ready… I remember trying not to cry. My fiancé hugged me, but I think I pushed him away quite quickly. All I could think was that this wasn’t the way it was meant to be… I had planned to surprise him by buying a baby grow that said “I love my daddy” on it, or by snail mailing him a scan picture; I had not planned for him to be sat nervously waiting on my bed and trying to hug me as a comfort as we both felt the weight of this life changing moment.

After the yoga classes, we walked back to the car, and drove it to my flat so that my fiancé could leave for work in the morning. We talked about our options then… talked about the reality of my pregnancy and bless him, despite wanting a family so very much, my fiancé was extremely supportive of the fact that I didn’t feel ready to be a mum. Truth be told, I still don’t – the enormity of being responsible for a tiny human is something I didn’t anticipate facing for at least another few years, and on that Sunday, I felt like my world was crashing around me.

·         Would I have to quit uni?

·         What would my parents say?

·         I was 20, how could my life already be over?

 

Hundreds of doubts, and quite frankly horrible questions went through my head, and he knew it, because he held my hand and told me that whatever I decided would be okay; he made me calmer and I am eternally grateful for that.

When my baby grows up, I will tell them this. Not because I want to make them feel unwanted – we want this baby, and we already love him/her so very much. I will tell them because I want them to know that despite them being a very big shock to us, I know that my son or daughter is already the most precious gift I could have received from the universe.