Dear my Theo Prana,

You are 12 days old as I sit to type this. I have spent time staring at you and decided that maybe there is a small window of opportunity to try and write to you. It is easier to do this than write about your birth.

My gosh darling how much you have grown in these last days. I wish your dad was here to see it because even since he left you have developed so much. The days are a blur, meshing together as you cry, and feed and sleep.
It’s so hot here and I know you are uncomfortable, I wish I could take that away and make you feel better but please know I am doing my best for you. Every day you change your pattern and I am trying to adjust, you don’t know it know, but maybe if and when you have children of your own you’ll understand the work a baby is. I knew that my life would change but I hadn’t quite realised how much you would affect me.

Your Granny and Grandpa are amazing. We are still living with them, and we have exactly 5 weeks left here before travelling back to the UK for me to finish studying. The whole family have been wonderful, even after you threw up in Big Nani’s mouth, and despite Uncle Paul thinking you are a little boring because you sleep a lot – without them all, I know that having you would have been so very much more difficult. They are looking after us really well so that me and you have as much time together and I can focus entirely on you.

Sometimes I get sad because you don’t seem to settle with me. A few times the only person you will quieten for is your Granny but I think that that’s because of her calming energy. I hope that some of it rubs off on me before we go, because I don’t like seeing you so upset and it’s hard when I can’t make you feel better.

Still my darling, one day you’ll all the pictures and read all about your life – as much as I am able to document – and you will see how precious you are. You have the sweetest half smile, and a face like an old man, when you are fully fed you stick out your tongue slightly and have very full lips, and when you are alert you make an O shape with your mouth and look pensive. I could watch you for hours like this, with the expressions on your face changing. Sleeping away in your cot next to me you look like the most peaceful child and I hope that you can carry that through life. I want you to have peace, and joy, love and light in your life always.

Lots of love,
Mummy xxx

My hubby arrived!

Last Saturday I had a really weird night with cramps and back pain and a really bad need to go to the toilet – and all I could think was “please let this not be it… please let me last until Tuesday”.

I managed to make it – and now it’s Friday and I am still very pregnant.
That said, we’ve had a few questionable situations since then where I’ve wondered if maybe this was the start of labour, and been confused and disappointed when it wasn’t.

Tuesday my hubby arrived in the evening and was very glad to see me and bump still attached – it meant we got to spend the night snuggling (ish – it’s very hot here!) and be a couple.

Wednesday morning, I was up at 04:37 and spent an hour trying to go back to sleep – eventually I gave up and woke H up instead. We made love for the first time in months and it was wonderful to have the opportunity to be close physically like that again.
Afterwards … from about half six in the morning I started having contractions – not very strong ones but definitely noticeable … when this went on for a while I started timing them. All morning they kept going – we went for a walk, and they got stronger … and then we sat down for lunch and they stopped …. and disappeared.

It was SO frustrating!

But we went to Satsang, and we spent time together and have been trying to just enjoy our couple time instead… I do want to make the most of having him here after all.

Thursday I had some back pain and cramps in the evening but nothing major – the whole day was quite confusing though because after the possibility of labour, I have almost been just waiting for it without doing much else. We spent the day just being together and I had my second session of intravenous iron (I am very low so they are giving me a big boost) which probably contributed to my being tired and wanting a chilled day to be fair. Nonetheless, baby was super active, though he showed no real signs of vacating my belly.

Now it’s Friday – and it’s been almost a repeat of Tuesday except with more painful cramps and contractions but a lot further apart during the day. I have spend the day doing lots of walking and back stretches, lots of hip rotations and we went swimming too. We made love this morning, and I have been drinking cinnamon tea… mum also gave me a massage earlier with the hopes of helping things along.

I don’t want to chase the idea of labour and I am in 2 minds at the moment about it… on the one hand it’s something I am quite anxious about and want to happen – I am curious and excited and want to have the experience – plus I really want H to have as much time possible with baby before he leaves again. But, on the other hand, even with the back pain and tiredness and cramps and sharper contraction pains, I know baby is still preparing, and I want him to be as ready as possible before he comes into the world.. I want him to have a positive experience of being born and I want to be able to give him the trust and the time to know when he is ready to meet us. I also know my entire world will shift upside down and so I am enjoying have H as my husband while I can.

I did a visualisation of my cervix dilating and baby moving and wiggling out of me, and saw in my minds eye my newborn being given to me for skin to skin – but I did not visualise a time frame, rather my focus was on having a healthy and happy baby, and having a happy husband beside me too.

Mum is my birth partner and my advocate but she is giving me this time with him to have as a couple and prepare and I am so thankful for it, because rather than be worried now about how he will cope, I know he will be fine. He is doing his best and I know that things are never going to be perfect, but for now that is enough and more… I am really really blessed to have been given the opportunity for him to even be here 💓 and I want to make the most of that. I was so scared that he would miss this, and also scared that he wouldn’t and I would have to focus on him during the birth too – but despite being so far for so long, H has come here and done nothing but try and pamper baby and I. He is so excited to meet his son that every time we talk about it, or he kisses my belly, or talks to it, I fall a little more in love.

Dear Baby,

You have grown so much since I last sat down and thought about writing to you. All those months ago, you were a shock, and I was still not used to the idea of you inhabiting my body, let alone the major change you would bring to my life; but now, just over 1 week before you are due to arrive, I find myself reflecting on my pregnancy, and I have a few things to say before I finally meet you.

All those months ago I saw a lot of bad going on in the world, and it’s true, there is a lot of misery – the idea of it weighed me down, and I wrote that I was sad to be bringing you into a world of ‘fake news’, scaremongering, social media and greed. Months ago, I worried that when I turned on the television, all I could see was destruction. Things haven’t really changed all that much in the last 7 months, there is still a lot to be worried about – but what has changed is me.

You have helped me change.

I am only 20 and my youth left me frightened… I was scared that being so young I would not be a good mother to you; I felt helpless. The idea of you was one that while I found enchanting, seemed very surreal. Even though I wanted you, and I loved you so strongly just through the knowledge you were there, you were a being who was alien, and I feared you immensely.

Your conception was not a planned one my darling, and though I never want you to feel that you were/are unwanted, I will not hide from you that you did surprise your Dad and I. In fact, you turned our worlds upside-down. Months ago, this terrified me, but not anymore.

Today, I want to thank you.

I know now that you are the biggest blessing the universe could have ever given us and I feel privileged that you have chosen me to be your mum.

I am no longer unprepared; though I still have a lot to learn. I feel ready and excited now to meet you, and I cannot wait until you arrive. I have carried you for almost 9 full months and felt you grow and move inside me, I have felt the joys of pregnancy and soon I will experience the joy of motherhood.

You have changed me darling, in ways that I don’t think even I fully understand yet.

Throughout this time I have grown with you, both physically and mentally too – I have developed my yoga practice and hope to raise you in a yogic way, and I have worked hard at academia so that next year you will graduate with me. I wrote back then that I wanted to teach you how a smile can make the world a better place, but now, more than that I want to show you the impact a smile can have. Rather than teach you, I want to learn with you, and from you… and rather than worry about life, I want to rediscover it through your eyes.

My darling baby, I promised to love you unconditionally, and I already do. You are now the biggest part of my life, and I am excited to see you grow, and learn from you. The universe has given us to each other and so, before you are born I want to promise you once more, that no-matter what happens, I will protect you, and guide you, I will teach you and I will hold you close… my sweet baby, I will do my very best for you.

All my love,
Your mum xxx

“Have you made a birth plan?” …

“What does your birth plan contain?” …

“Don’t you think that’s something you should write in a birth plan?” …

“Why haven’t you made one?” …

“You should include that in your birth plan” …

These are some things I have been asked/told in the last few weeks – and while I totally understand that everyone around me is just trying to help and give advice, the reality is, advice is only wonderful when wanted.

Wait what? A first time mum doesn’t want advice!? *The world might implode…*

Of course this isn’t true; at least I don’t see it that way.

I have done a lot of research on what should go into a hospital bag in preparation for labour. There are hundreds of articles and lists and YouTube videos and each one makes you feel like there is more stuff to take, or that there is no way you will need everything you have packed.

I finally realised, after hours and hours of lists and packing, unpacking and repacking that in the end, it’s a VERY personal part of the labour experience, and like with every pregnancy, each person’s bag will ultimately be different. Therefore, this is not a guide as to what to pack, although feel free to take ideas, but rather it is just me sharing what I have decided on for my own experience.

Of course, geography also has a big impact. In the UK, women may be discharged as early as 6 hours after pushing their tiny human outside their bodies but here in Gibraltar, I will be offered the change to spend 1 or even 2 nights in the postnatal ward so that I have 24 hour support and can bond with my baby without the distractions of home. Personally, I think being discharged after 6 hours is scary, especially for a first time mum so I am genuinely pleased that I will be in Gibraltar when my baby arrives.

With this in mind – here is what I will be taking to the hospital (picture at the end)… hopefully, most of it will be put to use:

For Baby:

• Nappies x 22 (can pop home in 5 minutes if we need more)
• Cotton wool
• Baby wipes
• Muslin squares x3
• Baby vests x4
• Sleep suits x2 (one of them is the one my parents had for me)
• Towel

The only thing I am currently missing from my list is 1 or 2 nursing bras – because I don’t have them. I need to go shopping but have been so comfortable without wearing a bra through the entire pregnancy basically that I haven’t bothered yet! Also, I will be taking my phone and camera, but those are things I use daily so will get taken last minute with their chargers.

My flat is only a 7 minute walk from the hospital, so if I feel like I have forgotten anything or we need more stuff, I can always ask someone to pick it up. Also, there is a Morrisons literally opposite the hospital so snacks are available there (hence them not being on my list). As for my birthing partner, it’ll be my mum and if I’m lucky my husband too – but they won’t be able to stay overnight so they don’t have a bag of stuff…

I feel like I have everything ready, and I have 3 weeks left to wait so I am glad it’s done… If I wish I’d taken something or found some stuff entirely useless, I will post it as an update after D-day has come and gone. Until then… I will keep busy and hope for the best. 💗

Yesterday I went to a yoga class – Not a prenatal one, but a normal one and I adapted it. It was the most normal I have felt in weeks! I did a lot of prenatal yoga in my room, on my own at uni which was wonderful, but it is a completely different experience to do a class.

If you can’t get to a prenatal class, I strongly recommend going to a normal class and asking for modifications. Once you go a few times, you learn what you can and can’t do, and you can still benefit from the group activity.

This s a sequence I used a lot on my own in my room:

This weekend I spent time away from Portsmouth in Swindon with the wonderful yogi’s there. There is a group at the moment taking their Teacher Training and because my mum was coming over to help teach some of it, I asked if I could sit in. It was both a wonderful re-cap for what I have learned over the past year, and taught me some more too, as well as a chance to see mum.

I know I was home only 2 weeks ago but my gosh it seems like much longer, and because the weekend held no other plans, I travelled to meet mum and some of the Gibraltar yogi’s on Thursday and was with them until yesterday before they flew back home. Even though they are all mums age and older, I genuinely felt like part of the group and am so lucky that they let me be there. Spending some quality time with mum was also brilliant – I miss her a lot when I am away. We have a special bond that I can’t quite explain but is something I cherish dearly and I am glad that I could see her.

The days were long, and quite intense because they started at 8 and didn’t finish until about 7pm, but there was such good energy and so much love and willingness to learn that it didn’t matter. Of course, as with anything that is difficult there were tears and stressful moments, and doing so much Hatha also meant that most students were moving a lot more energy than they would in a day – but it is a wonderful thing to do in a safe space with people who all understand. Honestly, I wish I could have been more involved, but with my ever-growing bump, most postures are fairly difficult.
That said, I learned a great deal by watching, and even when I didn’t feel great, managed to stay awake and listen while I curled into a blob.

During the weekend, we had not only Hatha and lots of Asana, but also a numerology talk – super interesting! – and a Kirtan workshop. I love Kirtan so this was definitely one of the best bits of the weekend for me and I have got my lovely Kirtan CD music playing as I write. There is something beautiful about being free to play with the chants and experiment… and as long as you feel while you do it, nobody can really say that its wrong. I definitely want baby to enjoy these chants the way I do, and I must try and make it more of a habit to sing to him.

Along with some books that I was gifted about babies and birth (which I will start after my exam today, I was blessed – quite literally.

Based on a Navajo Ritual… the students did a blessing for my baby and I. It was beautiful, and true to fashion, I cried. We all sat in a circle and starting with my, I wrapped a thread around my wrist a couple of times, and threw it to someone opposite me. From there the string got thrown around until everyone had a little bit of it on their wrists and it came back to me to close of the circle again. Each time somebody got the string, they said a few words or gave a wish for baby and I… considering I had only met most of these people a few days earlier, it was really touching how much love and good wishes we received, and so I was very overwhelmed, cried and was a little bit speechless for a while. I don’t think I am good at expressing my emotions when I am overwhelmed with them, but I have a lot of gratitude and love for every single person who was there this weekend – even though I may not have said it in those words, I am thankful to them all.

The weekend was wonderful and one to remember. I hope there will be more like this in the future, so baby can come and enjoy too, and maybe, if we are lucky, my wonderful husband will come with us. It’s not really his scene but he has enjoyed Kirtan before, and sometimes really enjoys yoga too so we shall see. For now, I want to try and keep this feeling of fullness and love I have after the weekend and enjoy the next few weeks as much as I can. 💗

So today marks the start of my third trimester – where on earth has the time gone?

So far… I have had a roller-coaster time, I have got married, passed my yoga exam and I finished the entirety of the teaching blocks of my second year at university. Doesn’t sound like much but it feels like a lifetime.

Futurelearn

About what extreme environments do to children – it is heartbreaking and was hard to watch/read because all I could think about was that I want better for Theo… and I hope I will give him that. I learned about how attention deprivation is a consequence of extreme environments and that children can go from very interactive to uninterested in a short space of time.

I watched videos on different types of attachment formed with babies, and how these can affect interactions and personalities formed in later life. The course also covered pregnancy and how we can affect our babies in the womb. I have recently watched a few TED talks on pregnancy and parenthood and I will at some point make a post about my favourite ones.

It was enlightening to learn about how a mothers mental and physical state can affect her unborn child in such unforeseen ways; I am not talking about drug abuse but rather stress during pregnancy and it contributing to having a child more likely to be anxious or have mental health problems. Interestingly, we learned about how in the Danish famine mid 20th century, the babies of mothers pregnant during that time were likely to develop health conditions of the heart or be obese – and apparently this is because of the rewiring of development while in the womb.

The material in the course really strengthened my resolve to keep calm and be happy about my pregnancy. This isn’t always easy but I am doing my best and I know that more than anything I want to give my baby a good life.

It reiterated the importance of attention and reactions to a baby, in terms of mirroring their expressions to help them understand and feel safe. I want my baby to feel safe with me and I hope that even though it might not come easily all the time, I help him feel secure and loved in the world around him.

We also talked about post natal depression and while I know that I have a 9/10 chance of not experiencing it, I also know that it is something that could happen. The course hit home how much having PND can affect a baby if untreated so I am now much more aware of how important it is to seek help… and also acutely aware that it really can happen to anyone.

I didn’t buy the certificate for the course… I did it for my own personal knowledge and I am glad that I did. I would also recommend it to anyone who is interested – it helps reflect on personal experiences with childhood, ambitions for raising children or perhaps also reflections on how you have raised/are raising them and generally is quite an interesting nugget of information.