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The Nature of the Mind

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Another of my Raja Course Essays. I am working on them slowly, and have a couple more to publish here. Once these are done, I am planning to take a back-step, because at the moment, it’s not high enough on my priority list, and I want to give this course my full attention. I wrote this one in October 2018: 

The Nature of the Mind: 

The nature of the Seer (our true selves) is impacted heavily by the mind. The mind, to use an analogy is like a lake; when the lake is still and clear, there is peace in our thoughts. We are able to look into the lake and see ourselves clearly; a true reflection. However, when the lake is murky, or there are ripples in the water – our busy thought forms – the reflection is distorted. We are unable to see ourselves in our true form, because, as Swami Satchidanda said, the mind is coloured. The goal of yoga is to restrain the mind, to free us from the bondage created by these thought forms; known as vrittis so that we can cultivate peace and harmony in our lives.

In the practice of yoga, through meditation, we observe our minds without judgement. In time, with regular practice and dedication to ourselves, we see that our minds are less busy, and that our thoughts are useful. In more time, we are told by experienced practitioners and the great gurus and spiritual leaders, that we can turn off our thoughts, and experience total stillness; a perfect reflection in the lake of our minds. This is what the Sutra’s tell us, once we have managed yogas chittas vrittis nirodhah, we can abide in our own true nature (Sutra 1:3 – tada drastuh svarupe vasthanam).

Patanjali tells us that the vrittis are the key. These 5 mental modifications that can either be painful (selfish) or painless (selfless).

  1. Right Knowledge: we can choose to be indifferent, or we can choose to learn about our high self, to do good, and to be good.
  2. Misconception: when we do not understand the full story yet make judgement/observations based on only what we know – e.g. the coiled rope being mistaken for the snake. As we modify our minds through yoga, we are able to understand that there is knowledge missing, so we seek it.
  3. Verbal delusion: when words are used to convey images that are not true to reality. If we are able to modify our minds, we can sense verbal delusion from others and use our discriminative discernment to maintain our truth. Additionally, we would not use verbal delusion with others.
  4. Sleep: our minds are not blank in sleep, and through meditation, we can modify this vritti to influence our minds even as we dream.
  5. Memory: our minds attach emotions to memory and often this leads to feelings of regret or sorrow if the memory is associated with a bad experience. Through yoga, we can modify our thought patterns and let go of this attachment to the emotion and accept that we cannot change what has already occurred.

Authors Epiphany:

In relation to the last vritti, there is a quote that comes to mind:

The past does not exist, but you are dealing with the non-existent, going about as if it is a reality. That is the whole illusion. Mind is the basis of this.[i]

The past only exists in our heads, because when we write it or verbalise is, the full experience is lost. Words are able to convey experiences only as far as the person listening or reading can associate a personal experience to. This is the beauty of the mind. The mind allows us to understand pain, because we have felt it, so we can empathise; but our empathy doesn’t mean we are having the same experience, only that our minds have allowed us to understand something similar.

Through meditation, we can free ourselves from the thoughts that ‘weigh us down’, and by doing so, we are able to increase the compassion, love and joy we feel. A clear lake (mind) is the goal of yoga, as set out by Patanjali; it allows us peace and harmony. However, the muddy waters are part of our human experience, and the are what allow us to have an enriched life. The goal for me isn’t a perfectly clear lake all the time; in total honestly, I don’t think that it’s possible. My goal is a clear lake during quiet pockets of the day, but to fill the rest of the day with love, joy, pleasure, laughter; all the things that make life beautiful. Our minds are an incredibly interesting and beautiful and, in some ways, scary place, but that is part of our human experience.

Raising my son, I can see how his mind is shaped by different experiences. I want to make them good, I want to increase his enjoyment and enthusiasm. And, I want him to experience pain. I want him to grow knowing in his mind that pain and pleasure are both fleeting. There must be balance. Sthira and Suka.

As Chögyal Namkhai Norbu said, “Beyond the mind, beyond our thoughts, there is something we call the ‘nature of the mind’, the mind’s true condition, which is beyond all limits. If it is beyond the mind, though, how can we approach an understanding of it?”

I think the nature of the mind is to strive for quiet, for steadiness and for peace; but until the mind has had the opposite, we do not appreciate the silence.

Sources: 

[i][i] https://isha.sadhguru.org/yoga/yoga_articles_mind_stress/yoga-and-the-mind/

Abhyasa vairagyabhyam tannirodhah – Sutra 1:12

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

As part of my Raj Yoga TT, I am writing essays to expand my knowledge of yogic philosophies. This is the 2nd essay that I wrote. I have a few more and am currently working on essay 5. I want to have them on my blog to allow ease of access, and to help anyone who comes across it.

Happy reading,

Xoxo

R

Sutra 1:12

Abhyasa vairagyabhyam tannirodhah

These mental modifications are restrained by practice and non-attachment.

Figure 1

scalesabhyasa

Sutra 1:13 – Of these two, effort towards steadiness of mind is practice.
Sutra 1:14 – Practice becomes firmly grounded when well attended to for a long time, without a break and in all earnestness.
Sutra 1:15 – The consciousness of self-mastery in one who is free from craving for objects seen or heard about is non-attachment
Sutra 1:16 – When there is non-thirst for even the gunas (constituents of Nature) due to realisation of the Purusha (true Self), that is supreme non-attachment.

Introduction:
In Sutra 1:12, Sri Patanjali instructs his readers to work on their minds and thought patterns through practice and non-attachment. Sutras 13, 14, 15 and 16 expand on this one instruction, providing more detail and allowing a better understanding of what Patanjali means by Abhyasa and Vairagya. Both concepts (practice and non-attachment) are inextricably linked, allowing the yogi to restrain their minds when a balance between the two is found (Swami Prabhavananda & Isherwood, 1981, p. 28; Satchidananda, 1990, p.18-19). A cornerstone of yogic practice, Sutra 1:12 provides a window for yoga to come “off the mat” and into daily life. This essay will examine the concepts of practice and non-attachment, focusing first on Sutra 1:12 before turning attention to analysis Bahasa and then Vairagya. Finally, the essay will conclude with a personal interpretation of these sutras, to demonstrate an understanding that goes beyond mere research and explanatory words.

Sutra 1:12
According to Rizopoulos (2017), both practice and non-attachment can serve as a roadmap to aid navigation through life. In her explanation, she says that the basis of Sutra 1:12 is that the efforts made in practice should be determined, but that in equal measure, the outcome of those efforts should not be of concern, i.e. we should not be attached to them. If this is achieved, the mental medications that exist in our minds (vrittis) will lessen. Gannon (2011) expands on this, asserting that through abhyasa and vairagya we can identify with our inner self, essentially echoing Sutra 1:16. The suggestions given to perfect the efforts made are similar to those explained by Swami Satchidananda in his commentary of Sutras 1:13-16 (1990, pp.18-30). Swami Satchidananda makes these sutras accessible, referring to temples and churches as social centre’s and demystifying the idea that through renouncing worldly goods, there is no enjoyment in life. The explanations given do not give false hope that mastery over the mind through abhyasa and vairagya is easy, but rather, provide suggestions for the reader to apply them in their own way.

Abhyasa:
Practice, Sri Patanjali says must continue “for a long time, without a break and in all earnestness” (Swami Satchidananda, 1990, p.20). The abstract nature of Sutra 1:14 allows the student to interpret and apply it in their own way. The long time necessary may feel daunting at first, but if determined, a habit can be created, which for a keen student may lead to a lifetime commitment to their practice. This practice can be a daily meditation but is not limited to it; many yogis commit to a vegetarian diet, or fasting, others to Karma or Bhakti yoga. The commitment of time demonstrates the earnestness of the student, as illustrated by Swami Satchidananda’s commentary about the amount of births one must go through before reaching heaven (1990, p.21).
There is no shortage of ways to begin establishing a committed practice, and often starting with one leads to the accumulation of more over years. Bryant (2013) suggests that cultivating a Hatha Yoga practice is pathway to train the mind towards abhyasa, because the disciple of rolling out a yoga mat and moving the body is created. Hatha yoga, especially within the Western world is often the gateway for people into the more spiritual side of yoga, alongside the science of the mind.

Vairagya:
Non-attachment from sensory objects is referred to by Sri Patanjali as “self-mastery” (Swami Satchidananda, 1990, p.23). In his commentary, Swami Satchidananda warns that non-attachment is not the same as indifference, but rather it is the ability to let go of the mind’s desires. This ‘letting go’ takes a lot of work, hence its relationship abhyasa. Gannon (2011) explains that vairagya is “facing something – even positive – and not identifying with it,” because while the mind may relate to something and allow it to be defining, the inner, true Self, is not defined by sensory experiences. However, beautifully worded by Malossi (2013), part of the human condition is to cling onto what we like and shun what we don’t like. Ironically this is what leads to most of human suffering as well; the inability to ‘let go’ of our clinging and aversion often leads to mental battles that if unresolved, lead to physical tension. Swami and Isherwood emphasise also that the practice of non-attachment should not be seen as a “kind of sel-torture” but rather the key to freedom.

My Understanding:
Sutra’s 1:12-16 provide us with the necessary tools to work on our minds and move towards a state of peace in our true Self. However, finding the balance between dedication to practice and working on lessening attachment is particularly difficult. Personally, I am goal driven, so I will put the effort in and practice wholeheartedly for what I want to achieve, but I am determined to see the result gained and am attached to it. This determination has stood me in good stead for example, in completing my degree, but has also let me down when results for specific assignments felt unjust and made me upset. The idea of sitting with pain, or joy or any emotion that exists, understanding that emotion and then letting it pass is a beautiful one on paper, but one I have found increasingly challenging. I am better at recognising negative emotions, and often I attempt to let go of resentment or ill-feeling, but it is a practice that seems forgotten in the ‘good times’. In my meditation practice, I often pull my mind back from making ‘To Do’ lists or mulling over events that have occurred. When I started, I couldn’t sit for more than 1 minute in quietness, now, provided my son allows me the time, I can sit for 5-8 minutes, though my thoughts do run away at times. To aid myself, I focus on an image of the Om, or use mantra.
I understand these 5 Sutras to mean that as a student, I should hold myself steady in my convictions and be determined in what I aim to accomplish, while also understanding that the results of my work are not mine to hold and lock away, but rather that they exist independently from me. These Sutras tell me that the journey towards the goal, of graduating, of more sleep, of a detailed plan, or anything else, is much more important that my arrival at that place. For this, the story of Narada telling the yogi he had as many births as the leaves on a tree before he met the lord, comes to mind, because it encompasses everything I am striving for: patience, acceptance and joy.

References:

Student Motherhood and Me; Guest Post: Diane Watt

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello,

I am collecting stories of student motherhood, to normalise the experience and to help new student mums (whether at school, college, university or later in life), feel that the struggles they go through are normal; something I think I’d have benefited from in my own experiences. Therefore, I am reaching out and asking for help – if you are/were a student mum – or dad! – then please contact me, I would love to hear your story, and share it if you’ll let me.

A huge thank you to Diane who I met with her lovely children a few weeks ago. She, like me lived in Portsmouth and graduated from the University of Portsmouth and is now working on her own small business. 

Without further ado, here is her Q&A about student mum life: 

Introduce yourself:

I’m Diane, a mum of three to Kaiya, 7, Skye, 4 and Lennox also 4 (that’s right – double trouble!). I was born in Zimbabwe, and spent 10 years in Portsmouth, where I met my partner and had my three beautiful children. I now live in the Helensburgh, a beautiful town on the west coast of Scotland.

How did you feel finding out you were pregnant? What were the circumstances?

I found out I was pregnant in the summer after my first year of university was complete. It was a HUGE shock as it wasn’t planned. I remember crying in Asda toilets after taking a test as I hadn’t had my period that day. It sounds strange to even think about a test so early on but I could set my clock by my cycles, so had a feeling something wasn’t right. I had been dating my boyfriend at the time for a year and a half, he was in the navy so was constantly away and my family lived in other towns and cities and I still lived in a shared house with my uni mates. It was very daunting and scary trying to figure out living arrangements and how to get organised for this little bundle arriving in a few months. I had to figure out what to do with my studies. I decided to continue with my course up until 2 weeks before my due date. My course tutor was incredibly supportive in terms of extra tutor time to help me getting projects completed and allowing access to the studio earlier and later than scheduled times.

What was your pregnancy like? Were there any highlight moments or struggles? How did you cope?

I found the beginning of my pregnancy very difficult. Morning sickness took over and I could hardly eat in the first few months. I was tired all the time; I think trying to juggle a part time job (I was working up to 24 hrs a week) and university may have played a part in exhaustion too! My second trimester was more enjoyable, I had more energy and I discovered a lovely aquanatal class at my local leisure centre. I met my first group of mum friends and their support was invaluable! My partner was away for weeks at at time, so having friends going through pregnancy at similar stages  and for support was comforting. I managed to complete my second year of university 3 weeks before my due date. I found it so challenging; with morning sickness, tiredness, fainting in the studio and waddling in the library to complete my dissertation. I found that I was judged a lot, heavily pregnant, you do really stand out.

The first weeks of motherhood, what were they like?

Meeting my daughter Kaiya for the first time was incredible. I really enjoyed bonding and breastfeeding. Although I had made new mum friends, I did find it rather difficult with my friends; Some distanced themselves from me because I wasn’t the party girl going to student nights out. I had responsibility and someone who depends on me so I had to change my life and grow up. I think in my head I didn’t expect relationships to change but looking back, my real friends were right by my side through every stage.

Going back to study; did you want to? How did you feel? How did you juggle everything?

I went back to finish my last semester when Kaiya was 7 months old. I was really overwhelmed going back because everything was new, even though I knew the building and the tutors, I didn’t know anyone in the class. With everyone in their solid friendships of almost 3 years, I felt  very alone. I would often have lunch on my own in the studio while everyone was out. It would give me a chance to get more work done but I couldn’t help but feel left out. I found leaving Kaiya incredibly hard. I was still breastfeeding her so I would sometimes have to go to the nursery to feed her. She was in nursery 8 til 6, which is such a long time to leave her and I missed her terribly. I knew I only had to get through the next few months and work as hard as I can to finish. I had made a promise to myself that I would complete my degree and that’s what I did. Taking Kaiya to my graduation was one of the proudest moments of my life. I graduated with a BA Hons Fashion and Textiles with design and enterprise.

Where are you now in your life/studies? Do you have any plans for the future?

I have recently started a business working from home doing clothing alterations and sewing commissions. I’m working towards offering sewing classes in the future and helping to organise a design workshops with a fashion show at my children’s school. Further down the line I aspire to create a childrenswear brand, offering vintage inspired bespoke clothing.

Lastly, do you have any advice for student mums/dads?

My advice would be, take help whenever it’s offered. I can understand people feel the pressure to ‘do it all’. Its so easy to get stressed and worked up, you’ll be far more productive when you have more time on your hands, you’re less stressed and you’re well rested.

Thank’s for reading – please reach out if you have a story you’d like to share! 

Xox

R

Student Motherhood & Me: Guest Post by The MummyBou Chronicles

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello,

I am collecting stories of student motherhood, to normalise the experience and to help new student mums (whether at school, college, university or later in life), feel that the struggles they go through are normal; something I think I’d have benefited from in my own experiences. Therefore, I am reaching out and asking for help – if you are/were a student mum – or dad! – then please contact me, I would love to hear your story, and share it if you’ll let me.

A huge thank you to Michaela, my first guest in this venture. Michaela has a fantastic blog called The MummyBou Chronicles where she blogs about motherhood, student motherhood, travel and much more. Once you’re done here, go check out her blog!

Without further ado, here is her Q&A about student mum life: 

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Introduce yourself :

I’m Michaela, I’m a 28-year-old mum to Mayarna and wife to be to OJ. I live in a little town called Huddersfield and I have my own Events Management business called MJM Events Management. I have recently become an Independent Usborne Organiser and run Michaela’s Magical World of Tales.

How did you feel finding out you were pregnant? What were the circumstances?

I was over the moon to find out I was pregnant! Me and OJ had thought about trying, not realising I was already pregnant when we started (haha!). I had been out for a couples dinner and something told me the next morning to do a test. It was positive but I didn’t believe it until I went to the Doctors 2 weeks later. I had wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember, so finding out I was pregnant was amazing news not just for me but OJ and both our families.

What was your pregnancy like? Were there any highlight moments or struggles? How did you cope?

My pregnancy was straightforward until roughly 6 months. I got pelvic girdle pain which was where my nerves were getting trapped from the pressure of my baby and my bones were pushing against each other. Some days I would seize up and couldn’t get out of bed. I was given a crutch to help me walk in the end of my pregnancy as it started to get bad. Plus it was winter time so the cold did not help.

But I loved my bump and I loved feeling my princess growing inside me and her kicks getting stronger each day. I also loved seeing her on the scans. That was awesome! Me and OJ were amazed every time to see just how active she was.

The first weeks of motherhood, what were they like?

The first weeks of motherhood were overwhelmingly emotional.

I knew I’d be tired but I felt like I’d been hit by a truck! I was absolutely drained, loss of appetite and felt very tender. Plus I was breastfeeding and my breast were super tender. I felt like I wasn’t coping at all and cried for nearly every day in the first month. I was overwhelmed by everything; my birth was long and tiring and I didn’t sleep for a week afterwards as I kept thinking about it and crying. But I had excellent support from OJ, my parents and my siblings and also my health visitor who was fantastic.

Going back to study; did you want to? How did you feel? How did you juggle everything?

In regards to studying, I decided I wanted to get my degree in Events Management so I could gain more experience in Events and open my own business. I started a distant learning online Access course whilst I was pregnant and took a 2 month break when I had my little girl. But it was overwhelming! The course was super hard and it was stressing me out. I recently realised that I don’t  need a degree to open my own business (the main reason I was going to university). I gave up my access course and I am now studying an online Start Your Own Business course which is perfect. I study for 2 hours a day when Mayarna sleeps and it’s so much more relaxed. Once I complete that I will do an online Events course instead which will be so much more suitable for me. Studying with a baby is difficult and I recommend having a good support system or time management skills because it is very easy to fall behind, as I know too well!

Where are you now in your life/studies? Do you have any plans for the future?

My future plans are to complete my studies and focus on building my business up. It’s not easy but I do it for my family and to carry out my dream.

Thank’s for reading – please reach out if you have a story you’d like to share! 

Xox

R

Student Motherhood & Me

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello,

I want to collect stories of student motherhood, to normalise the experience and to help new student mums (whether at school, college, university or later in life), feel that the struggles they go through are normal; something I think I’d have benefited from in my own experiences. Therefore, I am reaching out and asking for help – if you are/were a student mum – or dad! – then please contact me, I would love to hear your story, and share it if you’ll let me.

It seems only fitting then, that I should be the first person to share on here, but I do hope that this will grow into something much bigger than me, and my story.

Introduce yourself:

My name is Rohana and I am a stay at home mum to a beautiful boy born just a few weeks before I began my last year of university. I have an amazing husband who’s in the Navy, I am a yoga teacher and I have a degree in International Relations and Politics.

How did you feel finding out you were pregnant? What were the circumstances?

I found out I was pregnant on a Sunday afternoon before teaching a yoga class. I already had a feeling that I was, but I ordered a pack of tests on Amazon, and took 2 into the bathroom with me. When I found out I was shaking; my housemate was in my room with my fiancé (now husband) so I waited for her to leave before going in.

I was scared. I felt like everything I knew was crumbling away… so I ignored it temporarily, taught my yoga classes and then walked home with my fiancé (aka H).

My circumstances were not ideal, H is in the Navy and was moving away 2 months later and I was in the middle of my degree.

What was your pregnancy like? Were there any highlight moments or struggles? How did you cope?

I think overall my pregnancy was pretty great. My first trimester flew by because of university assignments and wedding planning – once we had decided that we were going to brave the idea of having a baby and keep going at the pace we were, H suggested that we bring forward our wedding. We had hoped to get married after I graduated, but he knew how important it was to me that we got married before having kids. We got married in January, just before he moved away.

I had a lot of support from friends and family (once the shock settled), which made me feel stronger about my situation. That said, I also had a lot of criticism too; many people thought I was crazy, and many people said I’d never cope. The truth was that I did feel crazy, but I was determined not to doubt myself.

The most scary part was when I was 12 weeks pregnant and we had a mini car accident and I bled for 2 days.

The hardest part was the disconnect H and I had, because we were living very separate lives, and though time together was lovely, there was a lack of understanding between us. This of course was nobody’s fault, but I think he’ll agree was a significant struggle for us.

The best part was my yoga practice and the relationship I had with my body; because it wasn’t just me, I took much better care of myself than I had previously. I would practice Hatha yoga and meditate regularly, and I ate really well (after the first trimester anyway!).

The first weeks of motherhood, what were they like?

My birth experience was a good one but honestly, I can’t really remember much of the first weeks. The first 5 days I was in hospital due to a vaginal haematoma and unable to do very much. Once out of hospital, I had 1 day with H before he left to go back to work. I chose to breastfeed but the first month was a real struggle and I did consider switching to formula on some days where my son cluster-fed; now I look back and am glad I kept going, but I am also a lot more informed about babies feeding habits.

I had a lot of support and was lucky enough to be living at my parents house so I didn’t have to worry about cooking or household things; it was me and my son 100%. I got more confident as the weeks went by – and as he got bigger!

I didn’t always follow the advice of “sleep when the baby sleeps” even when I had the opportunities. If I could go back, this is probably the only thing I’d do differently.

Going back to study; did you want to? How did you feel? How did you juggle everything?

Initially, the days I was in hospital, I thought I would not go back to uni. I had baby blues and felt like I couldn’t cope. 5 weeks later though, I was packing and my dad was booked on the flight with me to stay a couple of days and help me settle.

I was nervous, excited, scared. I definitely wanted to be studying, but a part of me also wished I wasn’t, because it did feel like a lot of pressure.

I had Theo in a cot at the start, but we soon began co-sleeping full-time. Mostly, I found baby and studying to be exhausting – I loved being back at uni and learning, but I couldn’t fully participate or prepare for every lecture/seminar because I had other things to do. I napped when I could, and looking back, I know that it was so much easier with a tiny baby versus having an older baby/toddler because at least he slept more, and if he didn’t, at least he stayed still! I would read seminar material out loud, or discuss my assignments with him, using the conversation as a sounding board. Admittedly, maybe nursery rhymes and kids stories were more appropriate that discussions about NGOs and political economy, but he didn’t mind, and it allowed me to get my work done.

Later on in the year it became more difficult, as Theo Prana wanted to interact with my friends and lecturers and be involved with classes, but everyone was very supportive. My friends (and parents when they visited) babysat if I needed them too. I taught a weekly yoga class so they helped then too. My tutors were also very understanding about absences, and my personal tutor gave me the necessary pep-talks to keep me going. H was deployed in the last few months so he couldn’t be down, but it meant that he got time with us when he was back (and I was assignment free!)

The last month; dissertation month, I was blessed with a vacancy in the university nursery for Theo, so he attended 4 half-day sessions of nursery which allowed me to get on top of deadlines, finish my dissertation (with my mum proof-reading everything as well), and pack to move out of my flat.

When I went back I never thought I would make it to the end, I thought I’d quit by my 8-week grace period… but I didn’t and I know now, having made it out the other side, that it was worth the hard work and exhaustion.

Where are you now in your life/studies? Do you have any plans for the future?

Right now I am taking a break from studying. I am living with my husband for the first time in our relationship, and we are focusing on building the foundations of our home and family. I am doing self-study yoga courses and I am keeping myself busy, but I am not ready to go back to a university setting. I do hope to in the future at some point.

I have future plans, but nothing concrete; I’ve picked up my camera again, I am focusing on my yoga and I am taking some time to ‘just be’ without planning too far ahead. Eventually, things will fall into place anyway, so I want to make the most of being a stay at home mum now, and enjoy my growing boy.

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Thank you for reading,

If you are/have been a student mum, or know anyone who is/has, please reach out and hopefully we can build this up.

Xoxo

R

12 Month Sleep Regression

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The last few days have been a roller-coaster. I process a lot when I write, and though in the moments of hardship I didn’t want to look for learning, I know that there were/are some, and so in finding them for myself, I want to share, in case any other mum feels the same. If you do, let me know I’m not crazy please – it can be a weirdly lonely road sometimes.

Theo Prana was sick over the weekend and into the start of the week leaving me sleep deprived, and mentally exhausted. I had a couple of meltdown moments and when the offences of screaming and fighting sleep continued, I began to see my child as an enemy. In my crazy haze I had a distinct moment where I fully understood why mothers sometimes just need to walk away. But of course, most of the time we don’t. I didn’t. I held him and we played, and he cried and he boob-fed, he pushed away and crawled back to me, and though there were moments where I felt entirely done, they did pass; because ultimately I made myself remember that as hard as this experience was for me, it was harder for my baby.

My parents were great despite my snapping at them; they took Theo Prana with the best of intentions – to give me a break – but actually I found that it didn’t help me as much as they hoped. Some of the best advice I’ve had since becoming a mum is that “if it hurts your heart, you don’t have to do it.”

I’ll repeat that:

“If it hurts your heart, you don’t have to do it.”

It’s such simple yet profound advice. On the 3rd night of this, my heart screamed at me for letting my son cry out for mummy … I’m not perfect, nobody is, but when I stopped and listened to my heart, I promised myself that I would do better. I felt like I was essentially letting him “cry it out” but instead of a cot, in someone else’s arms. I reminded myself that for this tiny human, I am the only constant, and leaving him in distress was like abandoning him.

I made a resolve the next morning as I rushed to get ready, that I was going to quit my job. I only had 8 days left anyway. I typed away these initial thoughts in my free moments and was number crunching in the others. I took the week off, but I’ve left next week in the air. Why? I think because as much as I hate leaving him, the few hours of solace, even though I’m busy, have allowed me to breathe. The resulting problem is that I feel intellectually stifled; but as my last blog post shows, I’ve resorted to TED talks for some inspiration. Actually, as I got on the bus I googled 12 month sleep regression, because I can’t understand how, even though he’s not well, his sleep has gone so entirely AWOL; the answer, I’ve found is that there is a 12 month, and 18 month and a 24 month sleep regression stage.

DSCN0043
My son at 2am – apparently it was playtime!

Why does nobody tell you this when you’re pregnant? I swear if we actually talked and normalised this shit then maybe mums wouldn’t feel so alone or crazy when it happens. It has left me feeling very frustrated, but now that my little one is a bit better (and has allowed me to sleep a little bit) I am turning that energy into something productive: research. 

I have learned a fair amount about sleep regression in the past few days, both from personal experience (though I may be in for much more of this) and from my reading. I’ve linked some useful websites down below under “Resources” but am also going to list a few take-away points.

  • “The term ‘sleep regression’ is used to describe the periods of time when your baby who otherwise slept through the night suddenly begins to have uncharacteristically frequent night wakings, and may even have napping issues. ” ~ Kim West

One article I read talked about this as a sleep “progression” not regression because our babies grow and learn more during these times – it doesn’t yet feel like it, but the sentiment is great! Anyway, here are my findings:

  1. Sleep regression usually means that our babies are reaching milestones, so the neuro-pathways in their brain are being created and reinforced – hence the increased wakings, higher levels of hunger AND grumpiness.
  2. Babies/toddlers tend to be very clingy in these days/weeks so try to enjoy the cuddles – they won’t last forever.
  3.  You’ve done nothing wrong! – I was blaming myself a lot, trying to figure out what I’d done to make this happen… but really, babies sleep regress, and they get sick.. and sometimes both at the same time – it’s not as abnormal as it feels!
  4. They are common but not all babies/toddlers go through them, so if friends or family tell you their kids have never done this, don’t pull you’re hair out (tempting as it might be), just smile and nod, and remember that this is normal.
  5. Let them eat more – and if you’re breastfeeding, I suggest eating more yourself too! It’s exhausting making milk all the time and you need the extra energy so you can keep providing for your little one.
    • If you are trying to wean, a few sources I read suggested waiting until after your little one starts sleeping normally again.
  6. Remember “this too shall pass” and pull in as much support as you can. Sleep will (apparently) come again… the less we fight, the sooner it’ll happen.
  7. Research suggests avoiding cutting down from 2 naps to 1 at this age because while our babies may fight it, they need the sleep (and so do we!). For us personally this sometimes works and other times doesn’t but we don’t have a real schedule anyway so we’re just going with the flow.

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I have already seen that my boy is growing and is more confident as he cruises around so I’m sure the experts are on to something. It’s hard, like many aspects of parenting, and sometimes social media and the internet can make us feel like we are the only ones going through these moments; but both can also be great tools of connection, positive reinforcement and normalisation.

We aren’t alone, we aren’t crazy (mostly), our babies are normal and healthy, and we will sleep again.

Thanks for reading. 

Xoxo

R

Resources: 

https://sleeplady.com/baby-sleep/sleep-regression-just-a-phase/

https://www.isisonline.org.uk/

http://wellbeingkid.com/handle-babys-12-month-sleep-regression/

http://kindmommy.com/12-month-sleep-regression/

http://www.pinkymckay.com/the-myth-of-baby-sleep-regressions-whats-really-happening-to-your-babys-sleep/

https://sleeplady.com/baby-sleep/12-month-sleep-regression/

Turning to TED

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hi Everyone,

This weekend my son has had a rough few days, teething plus swollen tonsils have left him feeling pretty crap! As a result, I haven’t had much time to sit and write. Admittedly, I’m not sure what I’d have written about because after a couple of days with him in pain, I’m feeling uninspired and a little useless. Obviously this too shall pass, but anyone with babies knows, when you’re in the moment, you just want to make it better for them.

Today I decided to pick myself up and motivate myself, because starting off the week well is important. I’ve opened my laptop and found myself listening to TED talks… not ones to inspire, but ones about parenting. I listened to a lot of these when I was pregnant, but somehow I’ve looped back and am listening to them again and I find a whole new appreciation for them.

I have binge watched a few now (baby’s had a long nap) and so I thought I’d share the ones I liked (links below); for anyone who needs to get our of their own heads today:

For Parents Happiness is a Very High Bar

  • Talks about the economics of parenting
  • Talks about preparing kids for the future
  • Talks about the crisis of parenthood, which often leads to the crisis of marriage
  • The issue of work-life crisis
  • The conflict of wanting children to be happy… and the harsh reality that there is no real way to teach this

How to Raise Successful Kids – without over parenting

  • Talks about academic pressures and parental praise
  • A checklist childhood

What we Learn Before We Are Born– I loved this one when I was pregnant!

  • Talks about how babies learn in the womb
  • Talks about the mother’s voice travelling to her baby while it grows – and the language it will be born into
  • Talks about food preferences

What We Don’t Know About Mothers Milk – This is informative and funny!

  • Talks about the time and effort it takes to produce milk
  • Talks about support systems for mothers and babies
  • Talks about the components of breastmilk – as food, medicine, hormones, comfort etc
  • Talks about how society fails mothers

The Lies We Tell Pregnant Women

  • Talks about the objectification of women
  • Talks about dismantling systems of inequality to help raise our kids in a better world
  • Talks about sexual behaviours of pre/postpartum couples (particularly focusing on women)

There are literally hundreds of talks I could share but these are a hand-picked few. 

Enjoy xoxo

Review of “Kiss Me!: How to Raise Your Children With Love” Carlos Gonzalez

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Not having read anything unrelated to my degree for what feels like forever, picking up a book and reading it cover to cover has been a refreshing change. Albeit a parenting book, it was nice to break the trend of picking up a book to find only what I needed. I loved it so much that I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

First Impressions:

The cover of the book is honestly not my favourite, but it gets the message across of 2 happy children. Snuggled up, when I look at the cover it speaks of comfort and security; both of these are vital to the content of Gonzalez’s book. kiss me

I opened the book intending to read a couple of pages while my husband and baby slept. Before I knew it, I was a chapter in, and my little boy woke up wondering where I was, so I closed my book and went to comfort him. I distinctly remember wanting to climb back out of bed once he’d fallen asleep because I was so taken in by what I’d read. I loved the introduction where Gonzalez makes clear that this parenting book will not advocate a “one size fits all” style of parenting; rather he made me as a reader feel that he would discuss my child as a human being, with individual needs and a unique personality.

In short, I opened the book and was blown away.

Content:

I won’t go through the entire book but I will point out a couple of key examples that really struck chord with me while reading. Gonzalez discusses various subjects in his chapters, from co-sleeping and breastfeeding, to toddlers playing in the park and the Oedipus complex! The content of the book is extremely varied, which to me shows an honest reflection of parenthood; illustrating all the things parents may consider in the first years of their children’s life.

He cites other authors and specialists, both whom he agrees with, and whom he doesn’t. This was a huge selling point of the book for me, because it’s not just some random opinion, but rather an opinion that also has research to support it. Of course, as Gonzalez demonstrates, there is a lot of research that goes against what he suggests too.

A particularly prevalent example in my life at the moment is the issue of sleep training.

Gonzalez criticises harsher methods of sleep training, such as the “cry it out” method, advocating a gentle approach. He explores the reasons why children do not like to sleep alone, and assures parents that it is normal for their child to wake in the night, or want to sleep in his parents bed.

Similarly, he asserts that far from manipulative or terrible (I refer here to “terrible twos”), children are selfless, generous, forgiving, honest and understanding.

Fundamentally, Gonzalez argues that as a society we treat children with little respect for their own personalities and autonomy, punishing them, verbally and physically, in ways that we would never do to an adult.

One of my favourite examples in the book relates to injustices towards children that would not be accepted in adults.

Gonzalez presents a scenario of a male and female where the male punishes the female for acting out of turn. Firstly the scenario is considered with the male as a father figure and female as a child; secondly with the female as a teenager, and thirdly with the male as a husband and female as his wife. Gonzalez asks his reader to sit with how each scenario made them feel and reflect on the social acceptability of it. This almost interactive style with the reader which is prevalent throughout the book, allowing the reader to feel a part of the discussion.

Recommendation:

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to any parent, and to anyone who interacts with kids frequently. It has been such an eye-opening, heart warming book for me to read; it has given me the confidence to listen to my instinctive parenting choices more readily, and disregard comments that criticise my parenting style. Gonzalez has encouraged me to think about how my words and actions have a deeper impact than I had realised, building on the knowledge (and reminding me of it) that I gained from Studying the minds of babies when i was pregnant.

Thank you for reading 

Xoxo

R

1 Year of Boobing

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

As a breastfeeding enthusiast I thought I’d take the opportunity of World Breastfeeding Week to share my journey highlights and struggles, and add in some breastfeeding facts.

I fully support ALL women and mums, we all do our best with what we can, and we make choices based on what we feel is best at the time. Nobody should feel guilty for the way we raise our children. That said, 73% of women in the UK start breastfeeding, but 56% of them stop within the first 3 months. If it’s “the most natural thing in the world” then why is this the case?

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Source: Bravado Designs

Unfortunately, though the image gives a number of reasons, I cannot answer my own question. What I can do however, is raise awareness; share some facts, talk about my experiences AND I can cheer you on because even if we’ve never met, if you want some support, I am 100% willing to give it.

Breastfeeding is HARD. Actually, being a mum in general is hard – but your baby still thinks you’re the best, so keep going. You’ve got this!

5 Breastfeeding Facts:

Fact 1.
Women all over the world breastfeed, regardless of their diet. 99% of women can physically produce enough milk for their babies provided the relationship between mother and child is not interrupted (I.e. child is demand fed to establish good supply).

Fact 2.
After birth colostrum is produced (yellowish coloured milk) which lines the intestines of a newborn baby. Colostrum is highly concentrated with immune factors to help the baby mature.

Fact 3.
Breastfeeding is environmentally and economically friendly. No bottles mean no waste, and also no expense. Breastfeeding is free, and it means you can go out and not worry about taking “food” for baby because it’s already with you.

Fact 4.
Mum’s are healthier. Breastfeeding increases the speed of which the uterus shrinks back down; it lowers risks of breast cancer and ovarian cancer and protects against osteoporosis. It also delays periods returning!

Fact 5.
Breastfeeding isn’t always easy. Support is needed, sometimes positions need changing, sometimes baby has tongue tie. There are always hard days but support from partners and friends goes a long way.

There are many more, I’ll list some sources below, but talking about facts doesn’t always make things relatable. Talking about experiences does. My journey has been interesting, and it’s got better with time. Here are 5 of the many different moments that have stood out for me:

1. When my baby boy was born I had this perfect image of him still connected to his cord, placed on my chest and latching instantly. Instead, he was too tired to latch, I was exhausted, disoriented and losing blood, and I felt like I had already failed because I wasn’t mentally present for the first moments (and hours) of his life.

I know now that: Not all babies latch straight away… Labour is hard on them too so sometimes they just want to sleep.

2. Cluster feeding in week 3 almost killed me. I would be up all night, feeding and rocking him, standing up because if I lay down I’d fall asleep (and sitting was uncomfortable). I distinctly remember 1 night where I thought about giving up – maybe I wasn’t producing enough milk? Maybe he was just hungry? Maybe with formula he’d be happier? I understood in that moment why so many women, especially those who do not have enough support or information, pack it in and switch.

I know now that: Cluster feeding is when babies feed frequently, often it feels like they never want to come off the boob, because they are growing. It can also happen if they are teething or unwell and want comfort.

I also know that a week later my baby’s feeding had improved so drastically that I felt like a new (free) woman. Sticking through the first month was a challenge but it did get easier.

3. I had fountains of milk! I would go out (or stay home) and he’d latch, start the flow and then come up for air… and milk would spurt out of my nipple and everywhere! It’s funny to think about but I do remember feeling frustrated and embarrassed at points.

I know now: Supply sorts itself out after a few months and then this stuff doesn’t happen so much. Baby doesn’t care and most of the time nobody’s paying attention so it’s not as big of a deal as it may feel. Have a muslin square around just in case though!

4. Biting was a huge fear! It happened (and sometimes still does) but rarely. Once teeth started to cut, if he bit me I would put him down and he soon realised biting meant boob would be taken away.

There’s not really much I learned here, just that it’s normal but cutting teeth doesn’t mean they can’t be gentle, it just requires a new learning for them.

5. Boob smiles! Every mum knows this one and it still melts my heart. The cute smile while they feed or the giggles afterwards – makes it feel like there’s some magic in the milk!

Again not really a learning, but definitely a highlight (for me anyway)!

This is us with Theo Prana at 7 months, feeding to sleep.

There is no question that breast milk is the prime source of food for a tiny human, but whether you breastfed for 1 day, 1 month, 1 year or until your child weaned naturally, there should be no guilt or shame involved. We all do our best.

Thank you for reading. If you are a mama in need of a little encouragement or if you just want to say hi, drop me a message. I’ll cheer you on!

Xoxo

R

Resources:

https://www.laleche.org.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/your-breastfeeding-questions/

https://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/breastfeeding-help/

http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/