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Life with a Toddler: Night Weaning

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Letting go of your baby is one of the hardest things a parent will have to do. Allowing them to grow is a beautiful form of torture because while your heart soars for them, it also aches. I am lucky to be a stay at home mum, so I get a lot of time with my toddler, but as a result, letting him go isn’t something I find easy.

My personal parenting journey has been a bit everywhere honestly. I spent the majority of my pregnancy and first year of my son’s life away from my husband, and 8 months into 2nd year of Theo Prana’s life, his dad has missed over half of that time. None of this has been by choice per say, it’s just the way life is for military families; we count our blessings where we can and we know how to make the most of time together.

Even together though, I have been the main carer and it began reflecting in the way that Theo Prana would settle, play and interact. Harrison has been back just over a month now and we moved from Daddy being the fun person who would play all the time, to the person who plays sometimes and keeps coming and going. It wasn’t fair on Harrison, and it was exhausting me. I want to raise my son to know that mummy and daddy can both fix things, feed him, settle him and provide security, even if one is around more than the other; we are both his parents and we both provide for him. That said, I had got used to being in control of the way things ran, so last week, by a little bit of a mess up and a huge nudge from a friend, I left Harrison to do Theo Prana’s bedtime routine – something I have done almost every single night of his life.

I should mention that Theo Prana still nursed to sleep by this point too, and co-slept; the boys were thrown into the deep end, and the water was rough.

They struggled… Harrison will probably remember that as one of the worst evenings he’s had in a long time. Luckily, Theo Prana won’t remember it in the long-term; toddlers are forgiving.

1 week later, Harrison is at work all week and Theo Prana keeps asking for Daddy both day and night. He is almost entirely night weaned with very few complaints until the early hours where I am sure he’s thirsty but refuses water. It feels like a miracle.

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Here is how we did it:

*Disclaimer: I am not telling anyone else this will work for them, just sharing my experience. If it resonates, great! If not, that’s okay too… we did what the universe allowed us to do, and what felt right for our family.

Day 1: Bedtime routine went out the window, I was having a rough day, so I told H he could handle things from here and went upstairs to our spare room where my friend was staying. I had a meltdown because of how exhausted I was, and then we listened to the boys watch ‘In the Night Garden’, have a bath, read and finally, go bed. It took 45 minutes to settle Theo Prana. The first night in over a year he had been away from me at bedtime. I spent the first part of the night in his cot and got involved at 2:30am and we co-slept again.

Day 2: Harrison took the lead, and told me to go hide in the spare room again while the bath was running. He did the night routine and half the night; getting to sleep took less than 20 minutes. I slept in the cot again, and got involved at 4:30am, getting back into our bed.

Day 3: I spent the night at a hotel. I slept from 10pm until 6am almost entirely without waking – it was bliss!

Harrison and Theo Prana spent the night on their own, with Theo waking at 3:15am for a short while and climbing into the cot because it smelt like me. It broke my heart to hear but he settled with his dad, and I think this was a huge leap for them both.

Day 4: I put him to bed. Milk downstairs, not upstairs, he screamed and kicked for 50 minutes. I caved at 4:45am and gave him milk.

Day 5: I changed the routine. I fed him in bed, read a book and had him help me plaster over my nipples and say goodnight. It took less than 20 minutes and he slept for 7 hours without needing comfort. He fed again at 6am.

Day 6: Saying goodnight to the milk leads to complaints but not severe; he slept on and off and got milk at 6:45am.

Day 7 (today): Am beginning to think he is having a bit of anxiety over saying goodnight to the milk. Will work on it over the next few days/weeks with extra cuddles and lots of reassurance. He fell asleep in minutes today, was exhausted.

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Somehow, we have managed to begin our night weaning process and it is hard but it is working. We have needed this for months now, so I am hoping that this allows me a little extra rest and a break from 4am hunger pangs! I love the fact our nursing journey can continue, but it takes a toll, so this allows us to have the best of both: rest and nursing without making him ‘cry it out’ or suffer. He knew (and knows) he is safe and we will hold him, and that makes a big difference.

If you are trying to do something similar, hang in there! It feels so incredibly difficult but you will be glad you stuck it out – I know I am already, and it is motivating me to keep going.

A Childhood Memory

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Recently a friend asked me to think back to one childhood memory that stood out. No thinking, just do it.

I urge you try.

What did you come up with?

Was it something Happy? Exciting? Sad? Angry? Shameful?

My memory was a happy one, one that brought a smile to my lips. This was actually the reason my friend had asked to me to think back, to remind me that even though life seems hard sometimes, overall, my life has been pretty damn amazing.

It got me thinking about how much our childhood influences the way we raise our children. If you had a perfectly happy childhood, you try and replicate the same for your kids. Similarly, studies suggest that people who were raised in unhappy households tend to pass on this cycle to their children. Most of us are somewhere in the middle, with good bits and bad bits; with the hope that the good outweighs the bad, the happiness is prominent than the sadness.

But, as Alfie Kohn points out:

To get better at the craft of raising children, we need to be open to seeing what’s unpleasant in order to evaluate what our parents did right and where we might be able to improve on their approach.

We learn from the way we were parented and pass it on, or we take what we have learned and adapt it.

My memory was catching butterflies. This is what I wrote when I thought about it: 

We are walking around a field of sorts, it is not green, rather yellow-ish because of the warmth. It’s the 4 of us, with Sid and I holding nets and jars, I think they are empty at the moment; we are looking for butterflies. It’s a family outing. I remember feeling happy. 

Next thing I remember is the fascination of watching a butterfly, inside the jar we have, the one that is meant to be especially designed for them – now that I am older, I highly doubt this, but I remember believing it. The butterfly is sitting on a twig or something we have but inside the jar, it is colourful and beautiful. We admire it, and then let it go. it flies away and we keep walking.

This is one of my favourite memories, and I am sure it has very little to do with the butterflies and a lot to do with the fact it was a family trip. We did a lot of them and even though I know we squabbled, and were hungry or tired or both, I don’t remember those bits. The bits that stick are the feelings of warmth, of excitement and of joy; they are the kind of thing I want to pass on to my child. We learn from our parents and we better our own parenting from them; I’m pretty sure if we do that, then generations get better and we raise good people to keep the world running.

Thanks for reading,

Xoxo

R

Hello April

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Somehow we are now in the 4th month of 2019 and it is flying! March was an extremely busy month for us, with lots of highs and some lows too.

Harrison got back home in the first couple of weeks so we have been readjusting to life as a family of 3 again, while working around his shifts and terrible sleep pattern. Theo Prana absolutely adores his Daddy though and they are building a strong bond; one I hope we can foster as time goes on, so Theo knows that his dad is just as much of a parent as Mummy is. It’s been us 2 for a long time, on and off but on our own regardless, so this transition has been a long time coming.

Apart from bringing H back, March brought us lots of play-time, puddles and towards the end a little bit of better weather; a new car (which was much needed) and some driving lessons for me so I will be back on the road soon! I finished my photography course and started a new yoga one, we all went on a 4 day flying visit to see my in-laws and booked holidays for the next couple of months too!

We ended the month on Mothers Day which was lovely, and I was really looking forward to H’s birthday on the 1st (not a April fools joke, I promise!). Alas, I ended up with a sickness bug so spent all day feeling utterly rubbish after a night of D&V – the worst 24 hours I’ve had in a few months!

That said, this month is going to bring amazing things – I can feel it. I would love to say I’ll commit to more blog posts, but I know that I am doing the best I can so for now, I’ll be content with that. I have friends visiting next week and the week after, a week down in Norfolk after Easter and most importantly, a toddler who day-in-day-out brings extreme joy. He is talking more, and I am understanding what he wants. He is incredibly strong-willed, which isn’t much of a surprise really, but definitely means I have moments where I want to melt down with him, but then he will kiss me, or hug me or stroke my arm and its worth every single hard moment.

As he grows bigger, I try to take more photos, be in more photos and live away from my phone/camera (contradictory but effective). I do have days where I wish I could be more than mum, but being mum brings such incredible fulfilment that I know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now.

April is going to bring blessings, I am not sure what kind or when, but I am waiting, watching and listening for them. I hope you are too.

XOXO

R

Dear Mummy, on days parenting feels like a chore, remember this:

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Dear Mummy,

I can’t tell you yet, but I see how hard you are working. Some things I won’t understand for a long time, but I do understand that keeping me alive, healthy and happy is a tough job, so thank you.

I love you too. 

Some days are fantastic, some days are long, some days are happy and some days are sad. We have many different types of days together, but the work you do and love you give remains the same: thank you.

Dear Mummy, thank you for all the things you do that get unnoticed.

Thank you for keeping me safe at night, for cuddling me and for kindly waking me up in morning, for helping me changed to get ready for the day. Thank you for letting me choose my trousers, and the colour of my shirt. I like choosing my clothes for the day.

Thank you for feeding me breakfast, and understanding that maybe it is because I had a lot of dinner so I am not very hungry this morning. I know I seem difficult when I turn away from the food, but it’s only because I don’t know how else to tell you I’m full. Thank you for not forcing me to eat at mealtimes.

Thank you for taking the extra time so I can explore as we walk wherever we are going to. I like learning when we are outside.

Thank you for holding me while I nap. I know I am safe in your arms and lying next to you. Thank you for the cuddles when I wake up scared too.

Thank you for hugging me.

Thank you for playing with me

Thank you for reading to me.

Thank you for making bathtime and dinner fun.

Thank you for taking care of me even when your sick.

Thank you for looking after me when I am sick.

Thank you for being in my corner always.

Thank you mum…for everything.

I love you.

DIY Fridge Magnets

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Recently, as much as I am happy to spend money on toys/activities for my son, I have wanted to also make things at home.

My latest midnight craft is magnets. Fridge magnets specifically, so that rather than get frustrated when he cannot reach the ones we use to hold notices up, Theo Prana can play with his own set of colourful, felt magnets.

I bought some easy cut magnets from Amazon, and found some felt that I’d bought donkeys ago! Grabbed some scissors, a pen and a bit of PVA glue, and was all set. Oh and of course, I needed a snack too!

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I ended up with 12 magnets and added one strip to the back of a (very scratched) kids mirror that he plays with. For now I’ll leave it at that, but I can’t wait to make some with Theo’s own input when he’s older! I think it’s a fab rainy day activity and it’ll be something he can learn with too.

Homecoming

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Theo Prana and his Daddy were reunited this week, as well as over a hundred other submariners families.
It wasn’t a particularly long patrol, but it is always a celebration when they return. That said, because our loved ones are back, other families are separated from their loved ones. It is an integral part of our lives.

H being away affected Theo quite a bit, more than I anticipated honestly; but overall, it hasn’t been too difficult (aside from our trip to Indonesia). The time has passed quickly, we’ve kept very busy and Theo has coped like an absolute trooper, and in the last week has really begun processing a lot of his emotions. He is still full of beans but is also being more cautious and seems softer and more gentle. I think having his Huggable Hero and me talking about Daddy coming back made a big difference because he has adjusted really well to having him home so far. That said, it’s only been 3 days so we won’t count chickens before they hatch.

He got back home just before Theo’s bedtime so I kept Theo up a bit later than usual. His initial reaction was one of absolute surprise; I think he couldn’t quite believe that the man he had been watching (and talking to) on mummy’s phone, and the pillow he had been hugging, was actually here in person now. He was a bit unsure at first but H soon had him giggling and it was perfect.

We had yesterday together and now he’s back at work so we will get back into some form of normality over the next few weeks. I think this time will be a lot easier because we are in our own house and settled (rather than moving in like last time!). I am honestly really excited to have some family time, and to watch my 2 boys bond; now Theo can play more I think it’ll be a lot of fun for both of them.

For our first proper homecoming, I think things went really well. We’ve got lots of planning to do, and lots of things to check of my never-ending To Do list, but for now, it is just really good to have him home.

Life with a Toddler: Soft Play Mishaps

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Occurred March 4th

You know those moments when your toddler gets hurt and you know it’s partly your fault? I had a moment like that today with Theo in a soft play centre.

My tiny humans loves slides And usually the higher and faster, the better. So he went for it, with a little help we got to the top of the gym styled course and to the biggest slide. My friend and her daughter when down together, but Theo didn’t want to get on my lap, so, (foolishly) I didn’t force him. Instead, I sat down on the slide next to him and said we would go down together.

1, 2, 3, weeeeee….

Queue crying… queue loud, I’m in pain crying! He smacked the side of his face near the bottom.

The result: my kid now looks really roughed up.

This isn’t the first instance of bruising this week! He has tripped and fallen and been downright clumsy over the weekend, so this episode on the slide is just icing on the cake.

Oh and now he’s afraid of slides too.

My takeaway point: sometimes, as much as its great to let toddlers take charge during play, it’s also probably wise not to let them go down giant slides without sitting on your lap.

However, overall he is fine, so as much I feel guilty for not preventing the hurt, I also know he has learned a lot from it and will let me do it with him next time. We will tackle slides together another day and hopefully he will find the joy again.

Life with a Toddler: Bathroom Do-overs

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Occurred March 1st 2019.

We’ve had a rough few days recently, lots of tears and a lot of emotional stuff happening for my son. Tonight was no different, he refused to eat dinner, cried because I said we were not reading a book for the 12 time and then splashed water everywhere while brushing his teeth. He loves running the water and splashing.

We (I) finished. He didn’t want to leave the bathroom.

I picked him up, moved him and closed the door switching off the light. And of course he cried. And cried. And cried.

Then it clicked.

Rewind – we had a do over!

I got down to his level, apologised for rushing him and told him we would try again. He got back up on his stool by the sink, ran the water and waited. I think he was a bit confused.

I asked him to shut the water off and help me turn off the light. It was magical! He shut off the water, got down off his little step and said “up” so he could read the light switch. He helped me close the door and said goodbye to the bathroom.

We carried on much happier and I could breathe a little easier knowing I had succeeded in helping him overcome at least 1 of the many hardships of his daily toddler life.

My takeaway point:

I learned that do-overs can save a situation. Paying attention and helping my son feel in control moves us away from near meltdowns to a way of working that may take 5 minutes longer, but that it keeps the peace.

The Grass May be Greener Somewhere Else But the Flowers are in Your Garden Not Outside It

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

A friend and I were talking recently about first impressions. We shared our first impression of each other and both admitted that we would never have pegged each other as people we’d become close friends with.

Initially, we both had preconceived ideas about each other, from a brief encounter on the creche run, and a few days later while our kids toddled around in the park.

She thought because I wore yoga pants, I had my life together and was able to find time to practice. Add to that the fact I was (and am) still breastfeeding, the impression she says that I gave to her was one of being an energetic and strong willed woman.

Meanwhile, having only had a short conversation with her about her daughter’s bedtime, I too assumed she was a mum who had her life together. Her kid was in bed by 6:30 pm and her house was clean and despite wearing designer clothes, she didn’t care if they got muddy or wet. She seemed so calm and confident; I felt like she was a woman who had life sorted!

Then, we got to know each other…

We started spending some time together soon after meeting, both putting aside the ideas we had of each other so that our kids could have a companion.

Our kids are similar ages (but at the moment even a few weeks makes a difference). Both kids go to creche 3 time a week together, and often in the afternoons we will take them to play outside or at one of our houses. They eat better when there is 2 of them, so mealtimes are shared regularly now as well.

From tentatively agreeing to our first play=date for them, we have come a long way.

In that time, we’ve learned that the reality of each other’s lives, isn’t as rosy as we assumed.

She might have managed to sort a bedtime routine out and taught her daughter to self settle, but daytime naps are rare and her wee girl almost a always fights sleep away. Until recently her girl was on a many month long food strike, relying on bottles mostly. I’ve learned what an absolute hassle bottles can be, how difficult it can be when you just want the day to end, but there is sterilising to do, and other mum-jobs to sort out. It can also be pretty damn lonely when after 7 o’clock the only things you can do are read, knit or watch quiet telly; especially in our walk of life where partners are not often home in the evening.

But while my grass is greener because my son does nap, he most certainly does NOT self-settle, wakes at least twice a night and I am a human pacifier. I regularly get kicked in the face too because we co-sleep! He regularly tests boundaries with the cooker, loud noises, scratching and hitting; recently he drew all over my kitchen cupboards and began to chip the paint off his small table! He is also going through a possessive phase and gets quite jealous whereas her girl is very easy going most of the time.

The point is that neither of us have everything figured out. We didn’t judge each other on those first meetings, and the result has been worth it!

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We are 18 months into motherhood and still call ourselves new mums; because the reality is that it is all new, all the time. Each stage is new, and it comes with new challenges. We put our kids first and learned that rather than ‘having life figured out’ both of us are muddling through the best we can.

I think that she is an incredible mum, overcoming some of the toughest challenges of daily life with her daughter as the number 1 priority. Anyone with eyes could see how much love there is, even on the hardest days; she researches, peacefully parents and tries to accept that while kids need boundaries, there is often a deep reason for them acting in ways we feel isn’t right (e.g. biting/hitting).

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Like most mums, she is doing her damn best, and so am I. We build each other up and help where we can. We water each others grass, and we are helping raise our tiny flowers to know that they have a lot of people in their corners.

Thank goodness for that first play-date. It morphed into something marvellous.