Day 10 – we can disgree on some stuff

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

It has been an epic day, topped off with a (half) surprise visit from my dad which has the kids buzzing! A went back to preschool after a few weeks off, and she had a great day, while P, K and dragon (bump) chilled at home, got messy with some paint and played. Then we all went after pick-up for a playdate dinner at a friends house.

This friend of mine is honestly so lovely, and she pulled out ALL the stops! She made me food and fed the kids, and they played for hours together while we chat, got involved and watched them.

We spoke about some kids stuff, and then about our plans etc, and then we got into birth imprints – something I have been diving deep into, and something I am very cautious about talking about. I trusted that she is/was a safe person to chat about this with, and we ended up in a deep conversation about my own experiences, experiences with P and some of her own stories. In the middle of it all, she said something that really stuck with me about our opinions differing, and I thought, yes absolutely! I know I am radical in some of my choices, and that’s absolutely fine – but chatting and opening up doesn’t mean I think any of her choices were less valid or important, or that the opinions she (or anyone holds) matter less than my own. Essentially, in my head it came down to, informed choice, informed consent, working through what we can within the resources available to us, AND respecting that others will do differently.

However…. while this was a topic we could absolutely disagree on because life experiences and circumstances had led us down different paths; and we were both happy; there are other things that are a bit more black and white to me.

I came home and my wild babies jumped on my dad to play. They were joyfully settled… and so as I pottered, I opened my phone to the news of more destruction, more violence, more insanity, and I thought, how can we live in a world where some opinions are so okay to be different, and yet others are such a blanket no. By that I mean, when it comes to birth, or parenting (to an extent), or screens, or food, or lifestyle fitness choices etc the thing that matters is respect, information and autonomy; but when it comes to political stances on the lives of children, I am pretty damn certain that I cannot and will not agree to disagree.

I text a friend the other day saying it feels like I spent 3 years studying politics and international relations for absolutely nothing. It is so disheartening, and feels like the hunger games, where the whyte governments are the capitol and the rest of us are watching as Isr3hell plays games with the lives of those in the occupied territories. I don’t understand how the world is still functioning sometimes, when there is so much collective wounding going on. It begins to break me.

So… I remind myself, that though there is collective pain, there is also mass collective healing and collective joy, in the face of all the chaos – which is ultimately an act of rebellion. We will not lose hope! Just as I believe rest is a radical act of rebellion in mothering within a society that demonizes rest and links worth to productivity, especially for those of global majority and bodies of culture; I also believe that despite the despair I sometimes feel towards situations of horror, every single drop in the ocean of healing IS doing the work. Healing at the level of the nervous system is profound, and the ripples we create are a force of good.

It feels too big… and then I think, my babies started off as 2 cells, and now they are walking, talking, opinionated and intense human beings with capacity for so much! If that is possible… isn’t anything?

Enough of my waffling… for now, goodnight.

With love,

Rohana x

Day 9 – Joy, Frustration and love

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Day 9, I’ve found myself avoiding this for an hour; and I absolutely find myself in a sense of freeze over a areas that are coming up in life. I have been so focused on getting to the next thing, and now, I’ve got a few weeks of limbo, where I can do what I ‘want’ and I am stuck…

The good thing is, though yes I feel stuck in my own personal goals, my chosen response is to throw myself even more deeply into finding spaces of joy with my kids. Previously, I’ve ended up in this pattern and got really frustrated at them, at myself, and at life, and often everyone ends up having a rubbish time. I saw this starting yesterday and for the first time, I’ve really managed to tune in and choose differently. So today has been filled with joy, play, time with friends at the park and cuddles to connect before bed. Tomorrow I have intentions for special time with the boys, and I’ll create a window for A after preschool. I am choosing to connect, because I asked a lot of them this weekend driving for my workshop; and I continue to ask a lot of them as we get ready for our house move.

This doesn’t mean they are doing anything specific or extra, but it does mean that they know moving is happening, they know a sibling will arrive soon after our move, and they know that lots is going to change soon. Except, soon actually feels ages away, because to their brains, time doesn’t really exist yet. So lots is happening, and I’m finding pockets of joy and bliss, helped by the sunshine, as well as moments to affirm that they are loved, safe and wanted. This means when we do have ruptures, I can focus on repair and not wallow in guilt or worry, knowing that actually, we are getting really good at understanding each other, and how we need to work through stuff.

Today I had a chat about the way I’ve taught the kids energy fields; and how the energy we send out, returns to us. A friend and I spoke about how so much of what we teach our kids, especially around conflict resolution, bodily autonomy and for me, leaning in to somatic practices and intuition, is stuff that we didn’t have language for as kids. I know from my own experiences that though I grew up practicing yoga and having an understanding of grounding in my body; it hasn’t been until my 20s with my own kids that I have truly understood what that meant.

This generation though, I hadn’t realised has been nicknamed generation alpha; as the first generation of kids born to the conscious parenting movement, where more and more they are allowed to feel their feelings and figure things out. I actually shut A down the other day, and realised a while afterwards that I’d taken the chance to find her own way through the feelings away. It hasn’t come up again, but when it does, it’ll be something I address with her. I can imagine it was so frustrating for her to hear me say I couldn’t cope with the noise of her crying… which, in the moment was true for me, but nonetheless, a bitter bitter pill for her who needed comfort.

We can’t always get it right though, and I know in the longer run, that moment won’t be the only one I have to hold space for her, so next time will be different.

We do the best we can with the resources we have.

I had more thoughts but that feels like a good space to end for tonight. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading!

With love,

Rohana x

Day 8

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The sun came out! Ahh it’s been beautiful and chaotic and I have felt like it’s been about ten days rolled into 1 but the sun came out and we went outside and it felt so good.

The kids were fascinated by snails for a while and we met a friend so went to the park where the full chaos of sibling relationships was being played out, from  gorgeous helping cute moments to the random stealing of a toy and a smack with a stick. Honestly they were all doing a wonderful job of putting on a show to demonstrate the rollercoaster.

I suppose in part this was because they were intensely curious about the 2 month baby this family had and it triggered some kind of processing in their own brains about their life.

It could also have just been because the weather got good!

Either way, it’s been a  good day overall, ending with me falling asleep before the kids and waking up to realise I had started to write and not finished!

I am determined to make 4o days… and I will. Rather than get annoyed at myself though, I’m seeing the sign that I NEED rest and taking it. Mantras on, kids snoring, alarm set, my body has lots of work to do while I dream.

Until later 💕

With love,

R x

Day 7

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Home. Though it won’t be for much longer. It’s bittersweet, because we have some wonderful relationships here, and yet, I met an old friend who asked about it today and I heard myself saying, I am so ready for the change. I am ready to give my kids a new start, and ready for new adventures, new spaces to explore, and new memories to be made.

Home after a day trip away. Home to boxes, home to play, home to our safe space of blankets and cuddles, and rest.

We said goodbye to H who drove back to work for the week, and I took the kids to the park; with promises of a stop of the pub for chips and some time at the playpark in the pub garden. Unfortunately, the garden area was shut for renovations and so I had the uncomfortable experience of breaking my promise to the kids – who didn’t want chips if they couldn’t slide and climb too – and consoling K, who’s just over 2 and a half years old now, and very vocal when he feels upset or let down. It wasn’t fun. Though heading back to the smaller park and getting snacks helped, it brought up conversations about being disappointed, feeling like things aren’t fair, and not understanding why we can’t always do what we want. Life lessons from a failed pub park outing… entirely unintentional but serving a purpose nonetheless.

Promises and kids are such an interesting topic. Bluey covers it so well in the promises episode, and though there’s lots of comedy, it really has struck a cord with my kids so when we talk about promises, they bring it up. That said, today was a bit different, because, bar K who was just upset, the older 2 understood that it wasn’t me breaking a promise on purpose, and that actually, it was a situation out of my control. A said to K afterwards, “I am sad too, I wanted to play there, but we can go another day” … and of course, coming from his sister, K understood that better than my attempts to explain or empathise with him. Kids do just get it don’t they?

P mostly just reverted into his game world, and the rest of the day went relatively smoothly actually, other than the increasingly late bedtime they have got comfortable with, that leaves me typing at 8 minutes to midnight! I don’t mind though, later bedtime means later waking, and I find they sleep more deeply like that, so though it isn’t always possible, I find it quite ideal. I’ll get up and have a while to myself in the morning, and my days always go better when I manage that! P is still up, watching The Green Planet as his way of calming to sleep. We haven’t had a lot of cuddles today because he’s been in his head playing contently, and though I don’t often just leave him to it entirely, today he’s given me the impression that he wanted some space. Tomorrow I’ll check back in a little deeper, and make sure we can do something together for a short while.

There’s often a kind of guilt surrounding that, when I leave him to play or don’t actively seek out time together; because I know I am stretched on time, and adding baby dragon will stretch us even further. Yet, the guilt has changed this past year… there is more grace and acceptance now. Perhaps as he’s got older, I feel more connected to him when we do play, and I adore listening to him tell me about things he knows to build his confidence. This morning he told me lots about Mount Kilimanjaro, after asking me to google what the word actually means. He has become fascinated with words recently, so I am curious to see where this leads. Either way, it was fun, and though we haven’t had lots of physical cuddly connection, we have had some. That’s enough today. I remind myself that what will be will be; and as I do, I look at my tattoo and think about how I didn’t realise just how powerful it would be when I chose it.

Anyway, for tonight that’s my snapshot of life. I have some plans to share intentions and dreams, and my birthing plan in the coming days; but I won’t make any promises, because if I learned anything today, it’s that sometimes things aren’t in my control.

I’ll see you tomorrow,

With love,

R x

Day 6

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So much can change in just a few hours… often that’s said in a negative sense, but the same is true tenfold for positive experiences. So much can change, if we are willing.

This morning I woke up to the download that my day was going to be one of answering my unanswered prayers. I put my earphones in, did a practice, got ready and then woke the kids.

I won’t even try to pretend like my feelings about the day didn’t get involved in breakfast. They were exhausted and overstimulated and I wanted to stay in my bubble… BUT eventually we got sorted and H dropped me off at the workshop, and took the kids to soft play. They had an exhaustingly fab time, and I got to spend time with incredible people learning a skill that a few years ago was a faraway dream.

I booked this workshop months ago: birth photography. It’s been something that has intruiged me even since my first pregnancy, and as my experiences have changed, I have been more and more drawn to it. I adore documenting my kids… but there’s so many stories we can tell, and birth stories have always fascinated me.

So I took a leap, booked it, and with H’s support, this weekend became possible. It has been so taxing for everyone, but I’m so grateful and glad to have done it.

I won’t share details yet… but I will say that the more I learn, the closer I get to where I want to be with work.

Now, the kids are snoring… H has crashed after hours and hours of driving and I am half tempted to go and start working on my edits. I won’t. But onky because I’m aware of how tired I am too…

So for today, that’s it. Day 6 💕

With love,

Rohana x

Day 5

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

My gorgeous tribe and I have been travelling today, in prep for a workshop tomorrow that I am beyond excited for!

It’s been a long day, and H has shown up as my biggest supporter once again, driving us all the way here despite it meaning that the weekend is extremely chaotic for him. When I told him about this workshop, he was not only encouraging but also thrilled for me, knowing its something I’ve been wanting to do for YEARS.

Tomorrow I’ll meet a long time inspiration of mine and learn from her.

Its a short note here from me tonight, because it’s late and we’ve got takeout arriving.

With love,

Rohana x

Day 4

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I suppose technically it’s day 5, but the day is still going for me, and my kiddo’s didn’t sleep until nearly midnight tonight. We had plans to go out, go to the library cafe and get some air – but, as most plans with any pressure, things went a little haywire at home.

We had some real moments of dysregulation from everyone, and I found myself joining in the chaos instead of anchoring as a space for calm. Part of this may have been yet another phone call from the NHS informing me that I’ve had appointments made for me that I have no intention of attending, and have already spoken to a real human about; added on to the sore nose from K’s headbutts and the kids grumping over breakfast options, it’s no surprise I wasn’t exactly the poster for gentle parenting today.

However, what I was was real. Authentic. Honest. I told them that I had a headache, and that it would be helpful if we could rest and read or cuddle for a bit. We attempted to play Simone Says – it did not work! We attempted some games of imaginary play – they did not work because each child wanted a different game. We attempted a dance it out party. When everything failed, I put a film on, and even that was a little bit of chaos because it was the wrong one. So chaos descended … and when everyone had had their cries and cuddles, we all came together, played fetch with the dog, and had snacks. Honestly, it sounds pretty okay writing it out, but there were a few moments in there where I thought “well fuck, I am done with today”.

But here I am, and we turned the day around. After the chaos and cries and cuddles, we played, we sang, we read a few books, and then K asked for bed. So he fell asleep and P was listening to his audiobook, and A decided she wanted to play stickers. In the end, P and A played while I pressed t-shirts, they helped and made games with the used vinyl and then got the crystals out. P took himself off to bed again and A asked if she could walk around the house with a candle for blessings and protection. We lit one and I followed her as she walked, telling me that the fire energy was protecting the house, and that when she’s an adult she’ll be able to light the candles with a lighter like me.

It has me thinking about repair, and about how, though yes I was deep in the midst of my lizard brain too today, having a practice that I can lean on helps bring me back. I apologized to P once we’d settled and said, even though yes I was upset and they were upset and everyone was shouting, it is ultimately my job to keep them safe, and they don’t deserve to be yelled at because my big feelings explode. His response, as ever was perfect “I knew you’d say sorry mummy, and it’s okay, we all went a bit crazy with our volcanoes but I still love you”.

They have so much grace. So much space for forgiveness. So much love.

Before A slept, we had a similar moment where she said “I am proud of us mummy, we got angry and sad and then went back to being friends”.

This is why I am so adamant that we can repair. It isn’t about never getting it wrong. It’s about being authentic, messing up and making up… and when we have days like this, where in some moments I worry that I’ve traumatized my kids and passed on or created negative beliefs, I also am given signs from them, and the universe that ultimately, we do the best we can with the resources we have. Today I ran out of spoons, and so did they… but we made more. We made up. And though yes, they might remember the moments of shouting and upset, all I can do is hope that the moments of repair are more impactful than the ones of rupture.

Tomorrow we are off on an adventure… tonight, I am grateful to be living this life.

With love,

Rohana x

Day 3

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

What a rollercoaster day!

I’m showing up here, reminding myself that I’m committed, and also absolutely exhausted. The day has been filled with noise from my kids, and my brain is seeking quiet dreams. As I type, my 6yo is cocooned in bed, chatting to himself, and the others are finally snoring.

P has just told me that when he cocoons, its because he’s tired, or sad, or angry, or out of energy. It’s his way of saying, this is a way for him to feel safe, enveloped in the folds of the the thick blanket, he enjoys the comfort, and seeks it out when he feels things get too big, or when he wants rest.

His explanations never cease to amaze me, because though I have already understood this tool in his toolbox, he’s verbalising it to me, and that feels expansive.

Tonight I’m thinking about creation. Specifically about the phrase create more than you consume. I bought the kids cameras after many many months of toying with the idea; and today they’ve been busy capturing all the things… around the house, each other, random shots and details, and of course lots of blank or blurry ones too. It has been so wholesome to watch, especially after our trip to Wales a few weeks ago, where they were all keen to have a go with my DSLR, and actually had a lot of fun posing for pictures and instructing each other from behind the camera.

It was the tipping point for me in buying these for them, and I’m really impressed so far, but of course aware that day 1 is novel, and so curious to see how they will stand the test of time.

They are creating… and seeing them create is one of the most interesting experiences of parenting so far for me. Seeing how they express their energy, create movement, games and different forms of art, each in their own way.

I find it strange to call myself a creative person, because through school I was often pushed to be more analytical, less creative, leaving that to the actual artists. Its something as I reflect on, I am determined to repair for my own children; because though I might not share much of what I create, I am essentially always working on some kind of creation…

From doodles to beaded animals, jewellery to nail art as a child and then teen, to now as an adult, cresting digital art, exploring watercolours, making t-shirts or posters, creating home ed resources or spaces in our home; and of course, art from behind my camera lens is one of the most powerful forms of storytelling for me.

Create more than you consume.

I hadn’t thought about our life in this way before, but I think we do… we are constantly creating, living in a dance of inner worlds, ideas, projects and plans. I’ve learned how to create more play with my children, and I see them bring new ideas to life every day.

We are creating, all the time.

It’s not a stretch then to think we create our reality… but that thought is for another day! I’ve got snuggles waiting with P.

💕

Oh, before I go, just for fun, have you created anything to bring you joy today? Can you? … go do it!

With love,

Rohana  x

Day 2

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’m back. Today I did a yoga practice, took the kids to the park, and have spent the last couple of hours working on sublimation t-shirt prints that I am making to fundraise for Gaza. It’s been a good day and I am exhausted in a joyful way.

The eclipse yesterday sparked a few conversations which felt authentic from a home ed point of view, and today things have felt calmer. The wind was strong but the sun came out and my kids played for hours outside. Then we came home and they played here, before tuning in to a new programme so I could rest. My body, at 31 weeks of growing another human, has reminded me today, that I am not actually capable of as much as I used to be. My body, in it’s wisdom, asking me to honour the need for a slower pace, and to rest; because it knows, as changes come, rest will look very different soon.

Tonight I’m thinking about rest, and about yoga, breathwork, and Palestine. I am thinking about how my body, growing our baby dragon is able to ask for rest, to ask for nourishment, to be held safely. I am privileged, and as in every pregnancy, acutely aware of it. This time, far more resourced, far more ready, and far more willing to listen; while also being aware that women, just like me in many ways, are carrying babies through stress, heartbreak, displacement, famine, and phycological warfare as well as genocide. I have learned, more deeply in these past months than ever before; how to hold solidarity in my body, bare witness and look away when needed, coming back, and trying to create ripples of healing.

The past 6 months I have delved into learning more deeply about pregnancy, our experiences in the womb and how we are in fact so much more aware and impacted even before life earthside begins; and as I have learned, I have grown in my knowledge, and in my belly; and in my capacity to practice compassion while NOT jumping into overwhelm. I have tried to protect my baby from the stress, while not disappearing into a bubble (a previous, very effective strategy of mine).

As I type, I think of the women who don’t have the choices I do; who are birthing to the sound of drones, who are carrying through loss and change more tumultuous than I can cognitively comprehend; and I feel a sense of understanding… I know in my bones, from lives before this one, that these experiences will not break them; because the resilience passed on is just as strong as the trauma. I have a sense of real solidarity, compassion and also rage. I am burning… and that fire has led to these t-shirts that sit before me; a way for me to fundraise a little, a way for me to contribute more than contaminate. That fire has led to something bigger too; a project I worked on for weeks, pulling in different people to help, and creating resources. Small, and still, ripples… ripples that I can see and ripples that I can’t.

I hope that this baby feels those ripples; the burning inside me, to do more and also to honour rest. It isn’t something I have gifted my other babies, already earthside teaching me daily. I didn’t know how to then; but now, I am doing what I can, with different tools in my toolbox… I can feel them wriggling inside me, dancing in my belly (and making me need a wee!); and I am beyond grateful for the lessons.

Until tomorrow,

With love,

Rohana x