Weekends go so quickly don’t they? Time is a little bit insane like that. I wrote years ago about how watching my toddler (back then I just had the 1), it felt like my 1 day was the equivalent of a weeks experiences to him. I couldn’t see how he had so much energy … when he was constantly interested or immersed in something.

Today, I see all my kids play and have experiences and rest when they need, and I understand better than actually at aged 2, everything is stimulating, and it’s important for them to have all these experiences because their brains file it all away for later. It’s the beauty of our physiological design that in the first 7 years of life, we absorb an immense amount of information, and then spend the next years integrating and making sense of it.

Knowing this doesn’t stop me marvelling at the way they experience days though, even if I am tired sometimes.

Today has been filled with many moments, but this evening we went to the beach and I sat and watched them. I said to H, we don’t need to be hands on here… they’re so content exploring. It was such an anchoring moment that things are going okay. We are in the right place at the right time.

I’m definitely someone who experiences time blindness… when I hyperfocus, when I worry, and when I relax… as well as when I’m trying to plan a bus or train somewhere! Keeping time is something I’m genuinely not overly concerned about, so long as I don’t have major commitments… and it’s interesting to see how this passes on to the kids, without the anxiety I experience around it. It’s something I hope they will struggle with less.

This weekend, being a bank holiday, means we got a whole extra day with H. He leaves tomorrow again and then we’re on a  2 week countdown to move! It feels both forever and too soon… though I know the sooner we settle, the sooner baby will feel safe enough to arrive. My intentions are for the whole experience to be seamless. I’m excited!

2 weeks feels like limbo.

2 weeks also must feel far longer to the kids.

2 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

And, 2 weeks provides opportunity for so much.

2 weeks is 2 weeks… but what we do with it will build memories, take photos, meet friends… and then, say goodbye. It feels bittersweet. But at least, this weekend has been filled with many moments of exactly all those things, we are making a good start.

Tomorrow, I’ll hopefully be a bit more inspired (and awake) to share some plans and thoughts about more juciy topics.

Tonight, I’m off to bed,

With love, Rohana x

“You wake and kick and cry
Tears flow from your little eyes

Scared
Angry
Unsure
You haven’t done this before.

I hold you
You weep
Coughing
Scratching
It all feels wrong
You didn’t mean to hurt anyone

Your kicks are strong
But our love is stronger
I hold you in my arms

Settle
Slow
Breathe
You don’t have to sleep
I’m here
I’ll hold you
While you weep

I wish I could take the pain
I would hold it
In a heartbeat
To make life a little sweeter
For you
But pain doesn’t work like that
And if I did
I’d be robbing you
Of an essential part
Of your existence

I’ve learned that
Instead of take the pain
When I hold you
Through it
This is where
You begin
To feel safe
Again”

H got home today after a really really long week. Its been filled with joy and chaos and I’m exhausted… the state of the world, our house and my own brain ticking into overtime, plus some well timed night wakings from the kids, has made this week feel longer than most.

The kids also really seem to be really feeling all the feelings about H being away, and getting ready to move, but also, it taking forever!

They fell asleep and it’s nearly 1am and I’m still up, talking to H about life and random facts… like those of moose and orcas, which shark is a favourite and whatever other tangents we find ourselves winding down. The kids are snoring between us as we chat, and I’ve just thought, this is one of my favourite parts of our relationship.

When we started our relationship we’d spend hours talking, he was UK based and I was in Gibraltar… sometimes we’d Skype late at night and fall asleep on a call, having spoken until 3 or 4 in the morning about any and everything we could.

Now, more than 10 years later, we are still talking; still finding conversations that keep us up for hours, still staying up way too late. The only difference is that we’re not on a Skype call and instead of classes to attend tomorrow morning, we’ve got 3 beautiful humans, who are absolutely going to wake us up with plans for a day of play.

I’ve had a few interesting conversations this week about how much we’ve changed as people, and reflecting on it… it’s such a anchoring experience to feel supported and loved, and deeply interested in talking to each other.

It isn’t always picture perfect… but what relationship is? Whether it’s our family, friendships, partners, parents or children, relationships test us and bring emotional rollercoasters. This is no different. BUT we are here… past 1am and talking about life, plans, random facts and the world. It’s pretty epic actually. 

For tonight, that’s all I can/want to share… the 2010 version of me wouldn’t believe her eyes!

Where ever you are at, I hope you keep trying to make choices that make your heart happy.

With love, Rohana x

I started writing this yesterday, though in the future 25 or 26 won’t matter too much … but then, my very deregulated 6 year old meant that parenting took over, and I fell asleep holding him. I could have carried on at 1am or even 3am when the others woke me, but sometimes, priorities change.

I felt guilty this morning, like I had broken a commitment… but the thing is, commitments don’t have to be 100% rigid… life is fluid. I’m still showing up. I’m taking responsibility. I’m doing the thing.

And, isn’t that what life is about? Isn’t that what I want to pass on to my kids.

Not a rigid, self-shaming, perfectionist mentality, but a compassionate, determined, and accepting one. We adapt, adjust and accommodate. 

It’s the same in relationships…. once we’ve known someone for years, we change. They change. Whether it’s a friend, a child, a parent or a partner, we are constantly recommitting… and though it sounds lovely and romantic as a notion, actually sometimes it’s fucking hard! Especially when we have our own ideals and have to accept that the other person/people are human too, and we cannot project our goals onto them.

As a parent, I’m reminded of this every single day.

Our children aren’t blank slates or performing monkeys… they are full blown humans with opinions and desires, and sometimes they’ll do what we expect, but many times they won’t. They’ll pave their paths, and that’s really quite an extraordinary thing to witness.

It has been through conscious parenting and working through my own school wounds, childhood experiences and beliefs passed down ancestorally (which is a continuous process), that I have found most of my relationships change. From conscious parenting to conscious partnerships, in friends, family and importantly with my husband; we’ve had many conversations about how as we examine the way we are raising our kids, we also fundamentally change the way we approach life with others.

Now, as I write this, having spent the better part of today already reshuffling priorities and being as present as possible with my kids, I’m aware how committing to myself sometimes means leaning in to what they need more deeply, so that, when they feel secure and held, I can step away.

So day 25, looks nothing like what I started last night, and day 26 will come later … not perfect, but perfection is highly overrated. Commitment to a 40 day practice doesn’t require me to shame or blame myself when days aren’t exact, it means even when we slip up, or plans change, recommitting, showing up, and carrying on.

With love,

Rohana x

They say that Bluebells are a sign of fairies and magick. They spread so slowly that where Bluebells grow now, is said to be a sign of ancient woodlands.

Today, as we walked, with Bluebells and garlic creating a carpet on the floor, I thought about this. I mentioned it to my kids, but they weren’t interested. Sometimes they are so excited to hear these things,

other times, it’s totally irrelevant to them.

Today, P found real fascination with the Holly leaves, and was examining many of them to see the spikes versus smoothness, and stretching high with his stick to find smoother leaves. The ones that were half and half were the most fascinating.

Last night I set intentions… after being exhausted from the weekend, I wanted to start the week off positively. So before fully sleeping, I quickly noted down some fresh intentions, to be filled with vital energy, to be focused, and to find myself in the right place at the right time.

This morning, I got up at 6, and thought, this is my intentions being lived out. So I grabbed my laptop and did a tone of sifting and admin work and created some stuff too! Then when A woke up, she played a maths game before we went down for breakfast.  Connection. Focus. Creation. It felt good.

Getting out with the kids fed into that, because after the weekend, I could see they were heading towards some hours of lounging and screen requests. The deal was, out for a walk… lunch and then screens. They accepted, and it worked brilliantly.

In fact, I visited my favourite tree.

They played in the river.

They played at the park.

They did “nature’s obstacle course” laughing and thanking nature for providing roots to jump and turn around, and a bridge to go under.

They dug

The splashed

And collected many many sticks and dandelions

And by the time we got home, everyone was ravenous and exhausted, and dirty – queue a long play in the bath followed by some actual play downstairs. It was nearly dinner before screens were requested and I happily obliged.

So they spent the evening watching their programmes and playing games; while I’ve spent the evening listening and making notes about female reproductive health and Traditional Chinese Medicine. It’s been a classically good, balanced day – bar the dog who hasn’t been super impressed that I paid more attention to my notes than cuddling her.

Sometimes balance and connection looks like getting them involved in cooking, reading to them and cuddling, playing and really digging deep into my reserves to be present in their games and stories etc. Other times, it’s about suiting and booting up and then after a good dose of fresh air and exercise, giving them hours of movies or episodes of the Octonauts.

I used to get really judgy with myself for the latter… but truthfully, there isn’t a magick fairy who’ll come and do the chores or give me extra hours in the day to learn for my own joy. I can either lean into screens consciously, or I can fight them… and I choose the latter.

I’m really starting to live in this space where I see balance isn’t about things looking similar every day… its about my own nervous system feeling safe in our every day differences.

With love, thanks for reading.

Rohana x

I find myself lost for words tonight. There are various things I thought about writing, from foraging with P and special time, to birth days as a celebration, our time weekending with H working away, and the transformations we’ve tracked back over the past 7 years.

Now though, the kids are all around me, I’ve got baby dragon dancing in my belly, K lying on top of me with P and A either side, and I’m fumbling over my thoughts.

It’s been a long weekend… and also really lovely. Now, the kids are starting to fall asleep and these things are running through my mind… I’m in that stage where I’m needed but silent, as they all find themselves settling, my brain begins to spin. Since I haven’t got a topic I’m burning to share, I’ll share this mental dance instead.

Sitting is uncomfortable. Lying down is uncomfortable.  My bump grows and I’m in love with this stage but oh my I can feel it now… especially with Ks weight on my belly.

We got stuck in traffic today because there was a half marathon on, which had me thinking back to the half marathon I ran in 2016 before getting pregnant with P.

Now I’m listening to P making sounds as he plays a story out… stimming in order to sleep, and my brain does a loop-d-loop in stimming and processing feelings and wondering how he is.

He cuddles me and I mentally flip to love languages for our kids, how maybe when I’m touched out its because my love language isn’t physical touch but for some of my kids, it probably is.

Wondering how I’ll love another baby… knowing I absolutely will.

I pause to read a notification from a group I am in on Facebook.. its about sleep set ups. I think about us, co-sleeping and our set up being so different from what I thought would be ‘normal’ by now… and how I’m actively not pushing for them to move out of my bed, because I know that our nervous systems are so deeply connected.

It’s something I teach and share about, our interconnected nervous systems… but I only really touch on it as a postpartum thing. Truly it’s so much further beyond, and I know when the time is right, they themselves will ask for space.

As I hear them starting to snore, I feel my whole body release… I’m tired too, and now I can feel it.

Of course, I need another wee so best get up for that!

I’m 34 weeks (ish) pregnant now. Heavy, and holding space for many feelings that come up. Choosing to reclaim my body and power through this birth and honour this wisdom inside me isn’t just a ‘whim’ made decision. It has taken us long, and it brings up fears, doubts, questions, all of which are valid and necessary for growth. It doesn’t mean I doubt my decision, it means I’m making a choice that is allowing me to expand… and as a result, I’m stretching my capacity.

Capacity is such an important word right now.

So is congruence.

Which leads my brain to alliteration and rhymes, both of which I have worked on with the kids this week. Though P isn’t ready to read (and oh I had some superb conversations about learning today at the park!), he has absolutely picked up an interest in rhyming words… and A trying to copy is doing more alliteration than rhyme, so I’ve tried to navigate learning both, with as few arguments as possible.

Ooh my eyes went fuzzy. It’s definitely time for rest.

Rest.

Rest.

Radical rest.

I have many thoughts on that too. Maybe tomorrow… probably in a few months. For now, thanks for reading.

With love, Rohana x

I ordered some new toothbrush heads this week, and today we opened them, so I thought I’d share about some of the realities of brushing teeth time as a parent… because literally nobody has ever talked about the absolute rollercoaster that teeth hygiene brings.

Nothing could have prepared me for the push back, the tears and the tantrums that a toothbrush brings when you’ve got toddlers! I’m pretty sure most parents will get it though, it’s such a interesting time.

Anyway, these new toothbrush heads obviously brought some novelty so getting teeth done tonight wasn’t too hard, in fact, other than getting distracted, there was no push back involved. It won’t last, but that’s okay, we’ve already starting reviving old stories and materials that had worked in the past, in order to ease the bedtime chaos a little.

Can I tell you a story?

When P was younger he adored brushing his teeth. It was a copy mummy kind of thing, and I thought it was easy. Then, he turned 2 and things changed. He didn’t want to, and I didn’t know what to do – the advice I was given was “hold him down and force him” … so I did. And it hurt my heart to do it.

I didn’t realise I could do it another way.

This didn’t last long before I was researching ways to encourage, beg and even bribe him into teeth brushing… and eventually I began to think, if it were me being forced to brush, I’d be so frightened. Forcing teeth hygiene was triggering me, and traumatic for him. Something needed to change.

So we bought books

We bribed

We did it while in front of the TV so he didn’t notice

And we made up games

Games worked best.

By this point, we were pretending he had dinosaurs in his mouth pooing in there… and from there stories came. As this happened, over time we also added family members, so 1 child became 3, and i learned that the cute I want to copy mummy phase was normal, as was the absolute refusal thereafter. My bubble well and truly burst!

I also had by this time dived deep into respect and autonomy based parenting (I.e  treating kids like actual humans!) and began to see that advice like “just hold them down and force them” was never going to sit well with my values.

That doesn’t mean sometimes I don’t wish I could wave a magick wand and force them to eat properly and brush their teeth or hair or listen etc… but it means that the bigger picture matters more to me, and I won’t choose to cause disconnect or trauma associated with a tooth brush, even if that does mean sometimes they don’t brush properly.

Tonight as they brushed, I thought about those months where P wouldn’t and I worried I’d failed. It’s not funny but it is interesting to see how much things change.

Tonight he read the book * we made and they brushed and I watched them wondering how I’d have ever wrestled 3 kids into teeth brushing, knowing their strong willed characters, and my soft heart. I’m glad we found different ways… even if they’re messy and chaotic, they work for us.

Thanks, for reading, with love,

Rohana x

* note, the book linked in the post is an affiliate of my own, pushlished through amazon.