Pregnancy Part 10 – We Are Blessed

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

This weekend I spent time away from Portsmouth in Swindon with the wonderful yogi’s there. There is a group at the moment taking their Teacher Training and because my mum was coming over to help teach some of it, I asked if I could sit in. It was both a wonderful re-cap for what I have learned over the past year, and taught me some more too, as well as a chance to see mum.

I know I was home only 2 weeks ago but my gosh it seems like much longer, and because the weekend held no other plans, I travelled to meet mum and some of the Gibraltar yogi’s on Thursday and was with them until yesterday before they flew back home. Even though they are all mums age and older, I genuinely felt like part of the group and am so lucky that they let me be there. Spending some quality time with mum was also brilliant – I miss her a lot when I am away. We have a special bond that I can’t quite explain but is something I cherish dearly and I am glad that I could see her.

The days were long, and quite intense because they started at 8 and didn’t finish until about 7pm, but there was such good energy and so much love and willingness to learn that it didn’t matter. Of course, as with anything that is difficult there were tears and stressful moments, and doing so much Hatha also meant that most students were moving a lot more energy than they would in a day – but it is a wonderful thing to do in a safe space with people who all understand. Honestly, I wish I could have been more involved, but with my ever-growing bump, most postures are fairly difficult.
That said, I learned a great deal by watching, and even when I didn’t feel great, managed to stay awake and listen while I curled into a blob.

During the weekend, we had not only Hatha and lots of Asana, but also a numerology talk – super interesting! – and a Kirtan workshop. I love Kirtan so this was definitely one of the best bits of the weekend for me and I have got my lovely Kirtan CD music playing as I write. There is something beautiful about being free to play with the chants and experiment… and as long as you feel while you do it, nobody can really say that its wrong. I definitely want baby to enjoy these chants the way I do, and I must try and make it more of a habit to sing to him.

Along with some books that I was gifted about babies and birth (which I will start after my exam today, I was blessed – quite literally.

Based on a Navajo Ritual… the students did a blessing for my baby and I. It was beautiful, and true to fashion, I cried. We all sat in a circle and starting with my, I wrapped a thread around my wrist a couple of times, and threw it to someone opposite me. From there the string got thrown around until everyone had a little bit of it on their wrists and it came back to me to close of the circle again. Each time somebody got the string, they said a few words or gave a wish for baby and I… considering I had only met most of these people a few days earlier, it was really touching how much love and good wishes we received, and so I was very overwhelmed, cried and was a little bit speechless for a while. I don’t think I am good at expressing my emotions when I am overwhelmed with them, but I have a lot of gratitude and love for every single person who was there this weekend – even though I may not have said it in those words, I am thankful to them all.

The weekend was wonderful and one to remember. I hope there will be more like this in the future, so baby can come and enjoy too, and maybe, if we are lucky, my wonderful husband will come with us. It’s not really his scene but he has enjoyed Kirtan before, and sometimes really enjoys yoga too so we shall see. For now, I want to try and keep this feeling of fullness and love I have after the weekend and enjoy the next few weeks as much as I can. 💗

Pregnancy Part 9 – Leaving the Second Trimester

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So today marks the start of my third trimester – where on earth has the time gone?

I am a bit nervous about this new phase, mostly because it means that in about 12 weeks my little Theo will arrive and 12 weeks is NOT a long time.
12 weeks is one term at university.

So far… I have had a roller-coaster time, I have got married, passed my yoga exam and I finished the entirety of the teaching blocks of my second year at university. Doesn’t sound like much but it feels like a lifetime.

Most importantly, I have grown a tiny human from not even a thought, to a person who weighs as much as a kabocha squash and I have learned to marvel at the tiny human growing inside me. I have fallen in love with someone I haven’t even met yet.
But… I am not going to pretend that things are all beautiful and the sunshine is always out. Being pregnant has been wonderful so far and I love my baby, I have marvelled at his movements and laughed at myself for needed a wee every time I sneeze… and I have learned that carrying a human inside you comes with a fair amount of discomfort and it’s not usually talked about.
I think I have been quite lucky, but I have suffered from a bunch of pregnancy symptoms that I didn’t realise would happen… here are my 9 top examples:
Being sick is normal – morning sickness did not go away after my first trimester, and I still get sick even now… or when I’m not sick, I suffer from huge waves of nausea… It is not something I was prepared for, but I have learned that it is something that happens and is normal.
Diarrhoea is also normal – yeah! Most of the time, we tell pregnant women to be careful and eat right because getting constipated is both common and a pain, but your body is changing rapidly and hormones are shifting so the opposite is normal too.
Heartburn! I never understood what this was until now… and now, I have a deep sympathy for those who suffer from it.
 
Boobs hurt (really early on). Bras are not my friend! This one is not applicable to everyone I am sure, but personally, I hate wearing a bra… they are uncomfortable and quite frankly, I don’t care if you can see my nipples through my top, the are part of my body just like my arms or legs. But, breasts grow and become heavy… in the last 12 weeks I have gone from a 32C to a 34D and still growing. My husband has quite enjoyed this change but I have been less keen…
Cars are also not my friend … in fact, most forms of transport other than walking don’t agree with me. I have always suffered from a bit of motion sickness, but being pregnant on a plane is a lot more uncomfortable than not being pregnant on a plane… and in a car when the heating is one – I honestly would rather walk! Luckily, in Portsmouth I cycle most places, and when I am home in Gibraltar, almost everything is within walking distance.
I could sleep for days .. I have never felt so physically tired after a day of doing nothing as recently. Lucky for me, I am taking the advice and resting more because when Theo arrives I know I will be tired 24/7.
Yoga is NOT always good – even prenatal. I have had to check and change my routine because all those hip openers may not be the wisest idea.. I have the knowledge and resources to change this which is good, and my mum is wonderful because I can talk to her and share and we will figure out what might work better. I love my yoga sessions and I feel 10x better whenever I do them, but I definitely have noticed the subtle differences and pains when I walk after some postures… Maybe I’ll do a post with an example prenatal yoga class structure when I am back home.
People touch your belly – even when you wear jumpers saying not to. This is a weird one.. I don’t usually mind, but it’s strange because what happened to the personal space bubble? Apparently when you grow a person, it goes away because everyone wants to feel the miracle inside you.
And lastly….You are allowed to be sad sometimes. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, and that I was being selfish and horrible but I have learned that giving up my body to another person, while beautiful, is inherently difficult. When I gave myself permission to be sad or worried, it allowed me to realise that I’m probably not the only one who’s ever felt like this and it meant that I could feel my emotions without being angry at myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t want my baby, or that I won’t love him… but it does mean that I am going through a scary time and have feelings about it.
Overall, my first trimester was a massive roller-coaster, and my second trimester was really busy. I am a student which means essays; studying abroad means a fair amount of travel, and having a husband who works away means lonely nights sometimes. That said, the time has flown by and now I am entering the final phase… I am nervous and excited and altogether a little bit uncertain… but I know that the time will pass quickly so I want to enjoy it as much as possible. For now, I will focus on my uni exams and look forward to going home in 3 weeks. 😄

Pregnancy Part 8 – Studying the Mind of Babies

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Futurelearn

I am back at university now and have just completed a Futurelearn course called ‘Babies in Mind’.
Futurelearn is an e-learning platform and honestly it is wonderful! There are hundreds of courses offered on there, entirely for free – unless you want the certificate, then you gotta pay for that. The site covers a range of courses from learning languages to tips about university life (I probably should have done that one) and lots of stuff on science and literature.

I learned about it years ago, but truth be told, this is the first time I have stuck to it and completed a course – and I am very glad I did. I have learned a lot and I hope that when the time comes, I will be able to put into practice at least some of the bits about raising babies that I now know about.

I learned:

About what extreme environments do to children – it is heartbreaking and was hard to watch/read because all I could think about was that I want better for Theo… and I hope I will give him that. I learned about how attention deprivation is a consequence of extreme environments and that children can go from very interactive to uninterested in a short space of time.

I watched videos on different types of attachment formed with babies, and how these can affect interactions and personalities formed in later life. The course also covered pregnancy and how we can affect our babies in the womb. I have recently watched a few TED talks on pregnancy and parenthood and I will at some point make a post about my favourite ones.

It was enlightening to learn about how a mothers mental and physical state can affect her unborn child in such unforeseen ways; I am not talking about drug abuse but rather stress during pregnancy and it contributing to having a child more likely to be anxious or have mental health problems. Interestingly, we learned about how in the Danish famine mid 20th century, the babies of mothers pregnant during that time were likely to develop health conditions of the heart or be obese – and apparently this is because of the rewiring of development while in the womb.

My lessons and ambitions

The material in the course really strengthened my resolve to keep calm and be happy about my pregnancy. This isn’t always easy but I am doing my best and I know that more than anything I want to give my baby a good life.

It reiterated the importance of attention and reactions to a baby, in terms of mirroring their expressions to help them understand and feel safe. I want my baby to feel safe with me and I hope that even though it might not come easily all the time, I help him feel secure and loved in the world around him.

We also talked about post natal depression and while I know that I have a 9/10 chance of not experiencing it, I also know that it is something that could happen. The course hit home how much having PND can affect a baby if untreated so I am now much more aware of how important it is to seek help… and also acutely aware that it really can happen to anyone.

I didn’t buy the certificate for the course… I did it for my own personal knowledge and I am glad that I did. I would also recommend it to anyone who is interested – it helps reflect on personal experiences with childhood, ambitions for raising children or perhaps also reflections on how you have raised/are raising them and generally is quite an interesting nugget of information.

Pregnancy Part 7 – Spending Time With Hubby

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Flying visit

I dropped my husband off at the airport yesterday … I think I will refer to him as ‘H’ at points because if not saying husband or significant other etc. all the time is a bit odd.
He literally came to Gibraltar for a flying visit… arrived on Tuesday and left Saturday so we had 4 nights together. Still, in such a short space of time we did make the most of it and tried to get a few bits done… we talked a lot and of course, as is us, we argued too, but at the end of the day I am really really glad he made it over because I missed him.
I miss him again already.
He’s back at work now and I am not sure that I’ll see him again before the baby comes. In many ways, I resent this, because I see couples who, admittedly have had better timing, get loads of time together, and they experience the wonders and woes of pregnancy and birth and babies and family life all as a real couple. I sometimes don’t feel like we are a real couple because he lives away.

Party time

When he was over we had a party of sorts to celebrate baby and marriage and generally us… it was really lovely, even though he probably thought it was a bit useless, it was something we needed to do because my family/family friends didn’t really get to celebrate our wedding with us.
We hosted a small event at Bistro 292 in Main Street and hats off to them because they did a fantastic job! The food was wonderful and the staff are always friendly. We would have loved to put some music on and have a wedding slide show – which I made but didn’t work 😞. Still the evening was good… H interacted with a few people and the men mostly segregated themselves in conversation so we left them to their corner and I socialised mostly with the women’s table but tried to talk to everyoen as much as possible. The photo below is most of us, although some people left early.
Bless them they are all so lovely and have been so supportive with all the surprises recently. I am especially grateful to them for this for my mum because I know that we were both quite worried about how my baby news would be received. These people are my extended family, even if they are not blood relatives and have been so influential as we have grown up… but they are also traditionalists in many ways, and while we are together as a group, we have a lot of differences too! I had initially worried that they would judge my surprise but they have been wonderful and I think that they are partly the reason my mum was on board so quickly. Times like this do truly show us who the closest people we have are.

Our Short Days

The rest of the days with my hubby honestly went by in a blur. I had my Yoga exam on Wednesday and he was absolutely exhausted from travelling and the party so he slept in the morning and spent time with my grandma in the afternoon while I took my exam. Then bless him he dressed up all smart and proper to meet me for a photoshoot and dinner – we did the first part but it was so bloody windy that we ended up having a snack and eating at home.
I will put the photos (as many as I can) up of the shoot when I get them. My mum’s friend Gerry did it for us, and she is going to do another one of my when I am massive and waddling 😂. I truly am lucky to have so many wonderful people supporting and helping and getting excited for me. In many ways, it is through them that I have given myself permission to feel happy and excited too.
We didn’t do much else really… watched a movie, went for lunch (H treated me which was very lovely of him), and we cuddled, talked, argued a little and made love. The few days we had were not enough, but we are used to having short hellos and long goodbyes… unfortunately that is what long distance relationships are like. Still, it was worth it.

Our Arguments

I honestly don’t know why I get so annoyed sometimes. I feel like a terrible yogi when I look back because the practice of Ahimsa (non-violence) is not one I follow with ease – but it is all part of the journey I know. I am not saying I am physically violent, but I think emotionally, I get worried and annoyed and mean… it is something I most definitely have to work on.
Part of it is because he isn’t around so I am scared he won’t be involved – in fact, I know he won’t and that really hurts. Rationally I know it bothers him, but sometimes I feel like I have the short end of the stick. I want to work on that… practice my Yamas and Niyamas and show him that I care much more about the person he is that what my friends or family think… and show him that I know he wants to be involved. I want to be a wife he is proud of.
We are always going to fight… I have a very short fuse and he knows how to irritate me without trying… That said, my husband is a saint in his reactions to me… He very rarely reacts badly, and if he does, it’s a look of frustration or a slight change in his voice. He is calm and lets me go on and on until he can see I am done and then gets up and hugs me… His hugs make the world melt away and everything gets better. Even if I am still annoyed, I know that he loves me and that the is telling me that things are going to be okay… he is NOT a communicative person but his subtle actions are his way of talking I think.
It’s a wonder he ended up with me because I am not at all like him. I do know however, that even though we are dissimilar, I am so lucky to have him as my rock.

Future Plans

I hope to see him before August but at the moment we have no plans. If I don’t then the next time we get to say hello there will be a tiny human that is a bit of him and a bit of me in the world…. it’s actually an entirely scary but beautiful thought.
Theo and I miss him… I think Theo does anyway – through me I feel like he does sense a change in mood or presence. I definitely miss H, but I know that we are stronger than the distance between us and eventually, things will work out… for now our future plans are uncertain but we do know that our baby is coming and we love him. For now, that is enough.

Yoga – My Hatha Exam

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Despite my blog name relating heavily to yoga, I have failed to so far explain my relationship with yoga. I do intend to do so, but, that is for another time.

I am training and will hopefully pass my exam to qualify as an Integral Yoga Hatha Level 1 teacher on Wednesday – i.e. tomorrow! And while I have been teaching for a few months at uni, I am now really nervous.

Yoga, class and my brief background:

The basic integral yoga class is wonderful, it works with the bodily systems in a straightforward order and through the asanas, a student is encouraged to tune in to their body and listen to what it tells them. As someone who grew up doing yoga and attending satsangs with my mum, this feeling is a beautiful one that I have learned to appreciate as I got older. I love that yoga has taken off and people are interested in it, but for me, yoga has always been more than posture and I am blessed that my mum has brought me up with the Yoga Centre in Gibraltar playing a big part in my childhood life.

Now as a teacher in training, the joy I feel when I can see my students reach this peace and comfort is immense. In some ways, I actually prefer teaching to my physical practice because I love sharing yoga with other people.

Yoga Society:

I started a society at uni with a couple of other students and we have really enjoyed it, plus I have been privileged to develop a lot of friendships through it.
If my classes continue next year with the baby that will be wonderful… but at the moment I am not committing 100% to anything because I have no idea what Theo will be like and I of course want to put him first. That said, I hope to have a yogi baby so maybe he will just come to class with me and inspire others until he can join in.

My course:

The course is a basic 200 hour qualification… encompassing Raja Yoga (science of the mind), Hatha (physical) postures or Asanas, aspects of the yogic diet, lifestyle, meditation and much more.
There is chanting which I absolutely adore and being pregnant I am trying to encourage chanting with my baby – for example my alarm in the mornings is the ‘Hari Om’ chant so I can wake up connecting to higher energy fields.
We also, of course, do a lot of pranayama and right now I am nervous about teaching kapalabati (the skull shining breath) because during pregnancy it is recommended that women refrain from the breath so I haven’t taught it at uni BUT I have to teach it for my exam.
So now, I am studying for my written theory exam which has a lot of Anatomy and Physiology in it as well as general knowledge about Integral Yoga; and, I am also preparing for my oral exam where I have to demonstrate teaching a class to a few students and my teacher.
Luckily I have my mum! She has been a teacher for over 20 years, has helped with the training for various other groups of students and has been my personal guide through the entire training. Since I have done a lot of it long distance at university, this has meant lots of Skype sessions and late night chats about body systems, Sanskrit names and other yoga related things. Basically mum has been my saviour and she is about to go over some last minute bits with me now too.
I will write more about yoga and what it means to me, and yoga during pregnancy too… but for now, I am going to practice and hopefully I won’t over think and complicate my life.

Post script – I passed!

I took the exam and barring the Kapalabati breath, which of course I was so worried about that I entirely messed up, I passed the exam and got some wonderful feedback.
Thank you so much to my mum and Aunty Nalanie for encouraging me and training me through the last year. I definitely feel like going back to uni there is a lot more I have to offer now as well.

Pregnancy Part 6 – The Bus

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Weekend Break

This weekend, since my parents were both off, we booked a hotel in Seville. It was a small getaway with a few family friends – we used to do them all the time but recently it’s less because everyone has their own stuff going on. Nevertheless, even though we were a small group of 11 people, it was wonderful to have some time out and enjoy the sun. Seville is a beautiful city.
In Spain the Easter holidays are a huge deal… and in Seville, Semana Santa is almost a bigger event than Christmas and the Festival of the 3 Kings – Reyes. Palm Sunday (today) was the start of the week-long processions and celebrations in the city so there was a buzz in the air as we walked around. I had forgotten what an important time this was, mostly because even thought I know I am home for the Easter Break, I haven’t really given much thought to when the holiday is and what it means. For me, having the few weeks off is a chance to catch up on some writing, do my coursework and yoga exam and actually relax…
My plans this week at least are to study and to get fat.

Speaking of which… my belly seems to be growing huge and fast! I have put on 5.5 kg since Christmas and I am really proud.

On the left I’m 12 weeks … just married and even still a lot bigger than before I was pregnant… On the right is me this weekend. I still have 16 weeks to go at least.

My Bus Experience

The distinct difference means I actually do look pregnant now… so much so that for the first time ever somebody gave up their seat for me on the bus.

I wanted to post about it on Saturday after it happened but a lack of reliable wifi made that impossible. Plus, since we were with a group of people (family friends), I didn’t want to spend loads of time away being unsocial. That said, on the bus journey into the city I did write a little bit:

“Today was the first time someone gave up their seat on the bus for me… It ws really quite a strange feeling because usually I’d be that person – not that I get use the bus very often at uni, but when I have, or if I’ve been on the London Underground, I am always conscious that other people might be more needy of the seat I am using. 
I was initially taken back slightly and quite happy to stand but after a few minutes of swaying and jerking I was quite glad for the seat. I must really look quite pregnant now then… although even at 24 weeks now I still forget sometimes that I am a human incubator.” 

It was quite an odd occurrence but also really lovely to know that there are people who do give up seats for pregnant women. We spent the entire day walking around Seville as well so my feet by the end were swollen and sore, any respite during the day was welcome and looking back even just that 20 minute bus journey where I got to sit down was a real kindness.

Whoever the girl is who gave up your seat, I thank you…. and to anyone who does give up their seat, for pregnant women or for the elderly or anyone who might need it, thank you. It is people like you and small acts of kindness that reverberate around the world and help heal it.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I am now back home and my little brother has the week off so hopefully we will get some time together… I have studying to do and essays to write so it’s looking like another busy week. I hope whoever reads this has a lovely Easter if you celebrate it or a lovely week if you don’t!

Pregnancy Part 5 – Uncertain at home

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So, as I’ve already established, I am a student and students have holidays. My last post was about my airport musings as I waited for my flight over a grilled cheese sandwich and hot chocolate but now I am home.

This is a beautiful photo of home: Gibraltar, taken by my dad. At one point it was actually pinned up on my uni wall for when I got homesick. It’s small and over-crowded, but it’s home.
Unfortunately, even though home is wonderful, it is definitely somewhere that I am more uncomfortable being pregnant and in the next couple of weeks I need to work on that and get over it. The community is quite small and so everyone knows everyone here… which means that most people who are acquainted with either my parents, brother or myself will probably have heard or seen that I am carrying a tiny human.

Why am I uncomfortable?

I love my baby – even though I haven’t yet met him. I feel protective and bonded with him and whenever he moves inside me I stop and take note because it is a feeling I know will not be one I am gifted for long. It is beautiful and while I do believe that pregnancy is not all that TV glamours it up to be, I do love the fact I have been given a soul to carry and raise.
BUT…
I am a student, and when I was living here I had all these ambitions and opinions on how I was going to change the world. I wanted to make myself into someone and I, for a long time, believed that marriage and babies was a thing that other women wanted but that I did not.
Top this with the fact that my parents (who are amazing and supportive) are also very conservative… and also that I semi-belong to the Indian community here… my pregnancy is a little bit of an awkward situation socially.
I have for the last 4 days had the mental battle of whether to hide my bump with leggings and a hoodie because that would be more conservative, or flaunt it because I am proud that I am carrying a tiny human. My parents are known community members, they both have jobs that deal with the public and in some ways I feel like it is extremely unfair on them to flaunt something that is really quite a cause for gossip… Luckily, they, despite their social conventions, have been nothing but supportive. They bought baby a mini crib for when I deliver and have my first couple months here, and are helping me with loads of stuff.
It is more my awareness of the social stigma that my pregnancy carries that is causing this battle than anything anyone has said – but while I profess to be a strong minded yogini, I am also flawed and this battle is one that I am still facing.

What should I do?

Honestly, I don’t know the answer to this yet. If anyone has any advice then I’d love to hear it.
I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes, but I am not embarrassed of my belly. Yes, my little miracle was a surprise but he is loved by his entire family… he is healthy and moving and I am cherishing the job I have of helping him grow. I am trying to learn what is best and I am praying that the universe will guide me so that I can do everything possible to shape him into a good, kind, confident and happy person.
Rationally I know that there is nothing anyone can say that I haven’t already thought or expected people to say… I think that I just need to come to terms with the fact that I broke the rules and did something unconventional. I may have had a life plan, but the universe had a better one and I need to learn to accept that.
I have just over 2 weeks left here and a hell of a lot to do… so I hope that by the time I head back, the battle is over, and my mind is closer to peace.

Pregnancy Part 4 – Airport Musings.

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall
You never see pregnant people at airports. In all my memory I do not remember ever seeing a pregnant woman at an airport.
I know there are rules: you can’t fly after thirty something weeks but I am only 23 so it’s fine. Still, I look pregnant and people have noticed, and so it got me looking around for other women with belly’s sticking out a little. There have been none. Maybe it’s just an odd day and pregnant women aren’t flying, but as I sit here waiting, it’s an observation.
I do this thing at airports, and lots of public places really; I people watch. It’s a good way to pass time, and it usually results in some interesting conversations with myself.
There’s a man over there who looks very tense, but he’s not dressed for business so maybe he’s going to see family that he’s not very fond of – a brother who’s his fought with and a sister in law he doesn’t like.
The family to my left seem very happy, perhaps on the way to a holiday they have been planning all year. The girl looks about 12 so if she’s anything like I was at her age, she’s probably very excited to see a new place, and the boy, around 17 is reading; maybe he has exams to study for. They look like the perfect nuclear family… something my husband definitely does not want.
We talked about that this weekend. He visited again and we celebrated his 21st birthday… it’s strange how that milestone no longer seems of much consequence because we have a little one on the way. But next year my son will celebrate his dad’s 22nd and even sooner, I’ll spend my 21st with my baby.
We talked about a lot this weekend, kids, our future, my job prospects and university. Hubby can’t get leave to come down for my first term so we’re going to be on our own most of the time. Luckily I have a wonderful family and my star parents have said they will fly to the UK and help when they can… but little Theo and I will be on our own for a large part of the year and we will just have to figure out how to make things work. I’m terrified but I’m also very excited.
A family just walked past me with an infant. Airports do have a lot of facilities for babies and kids to be fair. I know that for example once my little one is born, most airline will allow me 2 items of luggage related to the child for free (for example a car-seat and pram/buggy or travel cot etc) which is really quite useful. There’s a huge play area a little walk away from where I’m sat which is always teeming with children when I come here. Airports are pretty family friendly, so maybe my observation about them lacking pregnant women isn’t fair – or maybe it’s just that most of the time, pregnant women don’t fly home for Easter break.
It’s almost time for me to board so I’ll sign off… next stop: home!

Pregnancy Part 3 – Don’t Let a Bad Day Become a Bad Week

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Yesterday:

I am a second year student at the moment and Theo (we decided a name for the bump) was a big surprise… but my plan is to continue my degree next year and come back for the 2 terms I am required to. I’m being optimistic and idealistic in some ways, but the goal is for Theo and I to graduate in July 2018 – we’ll get him a little gown and everything!
That said, university is not easy.
I have struggled this year – partially due to morning sickness and wedding planning stress – with the jump in expectations and have seen myself go from a student who averaged 72% last year, to one who’s averaging 64% this year. I have 7 grades still to get, some pending and some because I haven’t taken my exams yet, but there is still a significant drop. I want an overall 2.1 at least so after we talked about it, my husband and I decided that he would apply for 15 weeks off work on parental leave so that he could be around for my first term.
My husband works away so this time was important, not only because I will want some help, but also because it gave him a chance to develop a relationship with Theo… and gave us a chance to be parents under the same roof for at least a few months. The plan was that he’d go back to work in January and I would finish my 12 week term, go home for a few months and then after graduation, move in with him.
Lest to say, the fact that yesterday was a bad day means that a lot of this has just gone to pot. Work has said that because I do not work (full time student over here), he is not eligible for the time off… which basically means he gets the standard 2 weeks paternity leave and then we are on our own. The university has a nursery so I get to use that from January (policy is no baby under 6 months) but until then, Theo and I will be on our own for the most part.
My parents and extended family are amazing and they have all offered loads of help, which I am sure I will need and will take but that isn’t the point… the point is that we were meant to be a family and now my husband has to essentially miss the first year of his son growing up. He would have missed bits anyway, but I felt like those few months would make a difference.

Que Sera Sera…

Yesterday, to process this, I ate an entire tub of vanilla ice cream (and felt pretty crap after) and ended up watching like 4 episodes of Greys Anatomy. It was only 4 because I was moving my belongings into the room next door where Theo and I will live next year… but it was still fairly unproductive because I was giving myself some time to feel like crap basically.
But today is a new day!
I have a presentation tomorrow morning, and I have a yoga class later today. I have chores and reading and I do not have time to wallow in self pity. More than that, I am a yogi, and I know in my heart that the universe has a plan so I need to get up, smile and make sure that I don’t let yesterday’s bad turn affect today.
My tattoo is very apt, and I might not always do it but I try to keep this as a motto of life:
“Que Sera Sera, 
Whatever will be, will be,
The future’s not ours to see,
Que Sera Sera.”