Student Motherhood & Me

September 8, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello,

I want to collect stories of student motherhood, to normalise the experience and to help new student mums (whether at school, college, university or later in life), feel that the struggles they go through are normal; something I think I’d have benefited from in my own experiences. Therefore, I am reaching out and asking for help – if you are/were a student mum – or dad! – then please contact me, I would love to hear your story, and share it if you’ll let me.

It seems only fitting then, that I should be the first person to share on here, but I do hope that this will grow into something much bigger than me, and my story.

Introduce yourself:

My name is Rohana and I am a stay at home mum to a beautiful boy born just a few weeks before I began my last year of university. I have an amazing husband who’s in the Navy, I am a yoga teacher and I have a degree in International Relations and Politics.

How did you feel finding out you were pregnant? What were the circumstances?

I found out I was pregnant on a Sunday afternoon before teaching a yoga class. I already had a feeling that I was, but I ordered a pack of tests on Amazon, and took 2 into the bathroom with me. When I found out I was shaking; my housemate was in my room with my fiancé (now husband) so I waited for her to leave before going in.

I was scared. I felt like everything I knew was crumbling away… so I ignored it temporarily, taught my yoga classes and then walked home with my fiancé (aka H).

My circumstances were not ideal, H is in the Navy and was moving away 2 months later and I was in the middle of my degree.

What was your pregnancy like? Were there any highlight moments or struggles? How did you cope?

I think overall my pregnancy was pretty great. My first trimester flew by because of university assignments and wedding planning – once we had decided that we were going to brave the idea of having a baby and keep going at the pace we were, H suggested that we bring forward our wedding. We had hoped to get married after I graduated, but he knew how important it was to me that we got married before having kids. We got married in January, just before he moved away.

I had a lot of support from friends and family (once the shock settled), which made me feel stronger about my situation. That said, I also had a lot of criticism too; many people thought I was crazy, and many people said I’d never cope. The truth was that I did feel crazy, but I was determined not to doubt myself.

The most scary part was when I was 12 weeks pregnant and we had a mini car accident and I bled for 2 days.

The hardest part was the disconnect H and I had, because we were living very separate lives, and though time together was lovely, there was a lack of understanding between us. This of course was nobody’s fault, but I think he’ll agree was a significant struggle for us.

The best part was my yoga practice and the relationship I had with my body; because it wasn’t just me, I took much better care of myself than I had previously. I would practice Hatha yoga and meditate regularly, and I ate really well (after the first trimester anyway!).

The first weeks of motherhood, what were they like?

My birth experience was a good one but honestly, I can’t really remember much of the first weeks. The first 5 days I was in hospital due to a vaginal haematoma and unable to do very much. Once out of hospital, I had 1 day with H before he left to go back to work. I chose to breastfeed but the first month was a real struggle and I did consider switching to formula on some days where my son cluster-fed; now I look back and am glad I kept going, but I am also a lot more informed about babies feeding habits.

I had a lot of support and was lucky enough to be living at my parents house so I didn’t have to worry about cooking or household things; it was me and my son 100%. I got more confident as the weeks went by – and as he got bigger!

I didn’t always follow the advice of “sleep when the baby sleeps” even when I had the opportunities. If I could go back, this is probably the only thing I’d do differently.

Going back to study; did you want to? How did you feel? How did you juggle everything?

Initially, the days I was in hospital, I thought I would not go back to uni. I had baby blues and felt like I couldn’t cope. 5 weeks later though, I was packing and my dad was booked on the flight with me to stay a couple of days and help me settle.

I was nervous, excited, scared. I definitely wanted to be studying, but a part of me also wished I wasn’t, because it did feel like a lot of pressure.

I had Theo in a cot at the start, but we soon began co-sleeping full-time. Mostly, I found baby and studying to be exhausting – I loved being back at uni and learning, but I couldn’t fully participate or prepare for every lecture/seminar because I had other things to do. I napped when I could, and looking back, I know that it was so much easier with a tiny baby versus having an older baby/toddler because at least he slept more, and if he didn’t, at least he stayed still! I would read seminar material out loud, or discuss my assignments with him, using the conversation as a sounding board. Admittedly, maybe nursery rhymes and kids stories were more appropriate that discussions about NGOs and political economy, but he didn’t mind, and it allowed me to get my work done.

Later on in the year it became more difficult, as Theo Prana wanted to interact with my friends and lecturers and be involved with classes, but everyone was very supportive. My friends (and parents when they visited) babysat if I needed them too. I taught a weekly yoga class so they helped then too. My tutors were also very understanding about absences, and my personal tutor gave me the necessary pep-talks to keep me going. H was deployed in the last few months so he couldn’t be down, but it meant that he got time with us when he was back (and I was assignment free!)

The last month; dissertation month, I was blessed with a vacancy in the university nursery for Theo, so he attended 4 half-day sessions of nursery which allowed me to get on top of deadlines, finish my dissertation (with my mum proof-reading everything as well), and pack to move out of my flat.

When I went back I never thought I would make it to the end, I thought I’d quit by my 8-week grace period… but I didn’t and I know now, having made it out the other side, that it was worth the hard work and exhaustion.

Where are you now in your life/studies? Do you have any plans for the future?

Right now I am taking a break from studying. I am living with my husband for the first time in our relationship, and we are focusing on building the foundations of our home and family. I am doing self-study yoga courses and I am keeping myself busy, but I am not ready to go back to a university setting. I do hope to in the future at some point.

I have future plans, but nothing concrete; I’ve picked up my camera again, I am focusing on my yoga and I am taking some time to ‘just be’ without planning too far ahead. Eventually, things will fall into place anyway, so I want to make the most of being a stay at home mum now, and enjoy my growing boy.

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Thank you for reading,

If you are/have been a student mum, or know anyone who is/has, please reach out and hopefully we can build this up.

Xoxo

Fortnightly Photos II

August 28, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Round 2 of posting my favourite photos from the fortnight; I have some others but haven’t managed to process them yet so these are my top 10 from what I’ve got:

39585400_305396490016416_5909129225469689856_n — This one is my favourite

I am loving using my DSLR and learning each time I use it.

I also feel myself noticing how I take photos and what I want in them, more than snapping away blindly. This project is one I am glad I’ve given myself.

Will post round 3 in a couple of weeks.

xoxox

12 Month Sleep Regression

August 15, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

The last few days have been a roller-coaster. I process a lot when I write, and though in the moments of hardship I didn’t want to look for learning, I know that there were/are some, and so in finding them for myself, I want to share, in case any other mum feels the same. If you do, let me know I’m not crazy please – it can be a weirdly lonely road sometimes.

Theo Prana was sick over the weekend and into the start of the week leaving me sleep deprived, and mentally exhausted. I had a couple of meltdown moments and when the offences of screaming and fighting sleep continued, I began to see my child as an enemy. In my crazy haze I had a distinct moment where I fully understood why mothers sometimes just need to walk away. But of course, most of the time we don’t. I didn’t. I held him and we played, and he cried and he boob-fed, he pushed away and crawled back to me, and though there were moments where I felt entirely done, they did pass; because ultimately I made myself remember that as hard as this experience was for me, it was harder for my baby.

My parents were great despite my snapping at them; they took Theo Prana with the best of intentions – to give me a break – but actually I found that it didn’t help me as much as they hoped. Some of the best advice I’ve had since becoming a mum is that “if it hurts your heart, you don’t have to do it.”

I’ll repeat that:

“If it hurts your heart, you don’t have to do it.”

It’s such simple yet profound advice. On the 3rd night of this, my heart screamed at me for letting my son cry out for mummy … I’m not perfect, nobody is, but when I stopped and listened to my heart, I promised myself that I would do better. I felt like I was essentially letting him “cry it out” but instead of a cot, in someone else’s arms. I reminded myself that for this tiny human, I am the only constant, and leaving him in distress was like abandoning him.

I made a resolve the next morning as I rushed to get ready, that I was going to quit my job. I only had 8 days left anyway. I typed away these initial thoughts in my free moments and was number crunching in the others. I took the week off, but I’ve left next week in the air. Why? I think because as much as I hate leaving him, the few hours of solace, even though I’m busy, have allowed me to breathe. The resulting problem is that I feel intellectually stifled; but as my last blog post shows, I’ve resorted to TED talks for some inspiration. Actually, as I got on the bus I googled 12 month sleep regression, because I can’t understand how, even though he’s not well, his sleep has gone so entirely AWOL; the answer, I’ve found is that there is a 12 month, and 18 month and a 24 month sleep regression stage.

DSCN0043 — My son at 2am – apparently it was playtime!

Why does nobody tell you this when you’re pregnant? I swear if we actually talked and normalised this shit then maybe mums wouldn’t feel so alone or crazy when it happens. It has left me feeling very frustrated, but now that my little one is a bit better (and has allowed me to sleep a little bit) I am turning that energy into something productive: research.

I have learned a fair amount about sleep regression in the past few days, both from personal experience (though I may be in for much more of this) and from my reading. I’ve linked some useful websites down below under “Resources” but am also going to list a few take-away points.

“The term ‘sleep regression’ is used to describe the periods of time when your baby who otherwise slept through the night suddenly begins to have uncharacteristically frequent night wakings, and may even have napping issues. ” ~ Kim West

One article I read talked about this as a sleep “progression” not regression because our babies grow and learn more during these times – it doesn’t yet feel like it, but the sentiment is great! Anyway, here are my findings:

Sleep regression usually means that our babies are reaching milestones, so the neuro-pathways in their brain are being created and reinforced – hence the increased wakings, higher levels of hunger AND grumpiness.
Babies/toddlers tend to be very clingy in these days/weeks so try to enjoy the cuddles – they won’t last forever.
You’ve done nothing wrong! – I was blaming myself a lot, trying to figure out what I’d done to make this happen… but really, babies sleep regress, and they get sick.. and sometimes both at the same time – it’s not as abnormal as it feels!
They are common but not all babies/toddlers go through them, so if friends or family tell you their kids have never done this, don’t pull you’re hair out (tempting as it might be), just smile and nod, and remember that this is normal.
Let them eat more – and if you’re breastfeeding, I suggest eating more yourself too! It’s exhausting making milk all the time and you need the extra energy so you can keep providing for your little one.
- If you are trying to wean, a few sources I read suggested waiting until after your little one starts sleeping normally again.
Remember “this too shall pass” and pull in as much support as you can. Sleep will (apparently) come again… the less we fight, the sooner it’ll happen.
Research suggests avoiding cutting down from 2 naps to 1 at this age because while our babies may fight it, they need the sleep (and so do we!). For us personally this sometimes works and other times doesn’t but we don’t have a real schedule anyway so we’re just going with the flow.

I have already seen that my boy is growing and is more confident as he cruises around so I’m sure the experts are on to something. It’s hard, like many aspects of parenting, and sometimes social media and the internet can make us feel like we are the only ones going through these moments; but both can also be great tools of connection, positive reinforcement and normalisation.

We aren’t alone, we aren’t crazy (mostly), our babies are normal and healthy, and we will sleep again.

Thanks for reading.

Xoxo

Resources:

https://sleeplady.com/baby-sleep/sleep-regression-just-a-phase/

https://www.isisonline.org.uk/

http://wellbeingkid.com/handle-babys-12-month-sleep-regression/

http://kindmommy.com/12-month-sleep-regression/

http://www.pinkymckay.com/the-myth-of-baby-sleep-regressions-whats-really-happening-to-your-babys-sleep/

https://sleeplady.com/baby-sleep/12-month-sleep-regression/

Fortnightly Photos I

August 15, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I have decided that as I develop my photography and as Theo Prana grows, I am going to make a fortnightly photo post! This will hopefully be a way to keep me taking photos and make sure I up my game a little, and it allows me to share my top 5-10 photos every couple of weeks.

It’s a project that I am super excited about and I think it will be really good for my personal development.

Here are my top photos from the last couple of weeks:

The B&W ones with his grandma at the moment my favourite! Honestly though, I am absolutely in love with him in new ways now… capturing moments like these, even when I try to stage some, has an incredible effect. I am looking at him and noticing all the tiny things even more.

These last 3 are from my first attempt at a shoot with someone else’s kids – there is so much room for improvement but I am fairly happy with this first try. I learned a lot too.

I’ll post again in a couple of weeks. Drop some feedback in the comments if you have any.

Xoxo

Turning to TED

August 13, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hi Everyone,

This weekend my son has had a rough few days, teething plus swollen tonsils have left him feeling pretty crap! As a result, I haven’t had much time to sit and write. Admittedly, I’m not sure what I’d have written about because after a couple of days with him in pain, I’m feeling uninspired and a little useless. Obviously this too shall pass, but anyone with babies knows, when you’re in the moment, you just want to make it better for them.

Today I decided to pick myself up and motivate myself, because starting off the week well is important. I’ve opened my laptop and found myself listening to TED talks… not ones to inspire, but ones about parenting. I listened to a lot of these when I was pregnant, but somehow I’ve looped back and am listening to them again and I find a whole new appreciation for them.

I have binge watched a few now (baby’s had a long nap) and so I thought I’d share the ones I liked (links below); for anyone who needs to get our of their own heads today:

For Parents Happiness is a Very High Bar

Talks about the economics of parenting
Talks about preparing kids for the future
Talks about the crisis of parenthood, which often leads to the crisis of marriage
The issue of work-life crisis
The conflict of wanting children to be happy… and the harsh reality that there is no real way to teach this

How to Raise Successful Kids – without over parenting

Talks about academic pressures and parental praise
A checklist childhood

What we Learn Before We Are Born– I loved this one when I was pregnant!

Talks about how babies learn in the womb
Talks about the mother’s voice travelling to her baby while it grows – and the language it will be born into
Talks about food preferences

What We Don’t Know About Mothers Milk – This is informative and funny!

Talks about the time and effort it takes to produce milk
Talks about support systems for mothers and babies
Talks about the components of breastmilk – as food, medicine, hormones, comfort etc
Talks about how society fails mothers

The Lies We Tell Pregnant Women

Talks about the objectification of women
Talks about dismantling systems of inequality to help raise our kids in a better world
Talks about sexual behaviours of pre/postpartum couples (particularly focusing on women)

There are literally hundreds of talks I could share but these are a hand-picked few.

Enjoy xoxo

Review of “Kiss Me!: How to Raise Your Children With Love” Carlos Gonzalez

August 13, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Not having read anything unrelated to my degree for what feels like forever, picking up a book and reading it cover to cover has been a refreshing change. Albeit a parenting book, it was nice to break the trend of picking up a book to find only what I needed. I loved it so much that I wanted to share my thoughts with you.

First Impressions:

The cover of the book is honestly not my favourite, but it gets the message across of 2 happy children. Snuggled up, when I look at the cover it speaks of comfort and security; both of these are vital to the content of Gonzalez’s book.

I opened the book intending to read a couple of pages while my husband and baby slept. Before I knew it, I was a chapter in, and my little boy woke up wondering where I was, so I closed my book and went to comfort him. I distinctly remember wanting to climb back out of bed once he’d fallen asleep because I was so taken in by what I’d read. I loved the introduction where Gonzalez makes clear that this parenting book will not advocate a “one size fits all” style of parenting; rather he made me as a reader feel that he would discuss my child as a human being, with individual needs and a unique personality.

In short, I opened the book and was blown away.

Content:

I won’t go through the entire book but I will point out a couple of key examples that really struck chord with me while reading. Gonzalez discusses various subjects in his chapters, from co-sleeping and breastfeeding, to toddlers playing in the park and the Oedipus complex! The content of the book is extremely varied, which to me shows an honest reflection of parenthood; illustrating all the things parents may consider in the first years of their children’s life.

He cites other authors and specialists, both whom he agrees with, and whom he doesn’t. This was a huge selling point of the book for me, because it’s not just some random opinion, but rather an opinion that also has research to support it. Of course, as Gonzalez demonstrates, there is a lot of research that goes against what he suggests too.

A particularly prevalent example in my life at the moment is the issue of sleep training.

Gonzalez criticises harsher methods of sleep training, such as the “cry it out” method, advocating a gentle approach. He explores the reasons why children do not like to sleep alone, and assures parents that it is normal for their child to wake in the night, or want to sleep in his parents bed.

Similarly, he asserts that far from manipulative or terrible (I refer here to “terrible twos”), children are selfless, generous, forgiving, honest and understanding.

Fundamentally, Gonzalez argues that as a society we treat children with little respect for their own personalities and autonomy, punishing them, verbally and physically, in ways that we would never do to an adult.

One of my favourite examples in the book relates to injustices towards children that would not be accepted in adults.

Gonzalez presents a scenario of a male and female where the male punishes the female for acting out of turn. Firstly the scenario is considered with the male as a father figure and female as a child; secondly with the female as a teenager, and thirdly with the male as a husband and female as his wife. Gonzalez asks his reader to sit with how each scenario made them feel and reflect on the social acceptability of it. This almost interactive style with the reader which is prevalent throughout the book, allowing the reader to feel a part of the discussion.

Recommendation:

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to any parent, and to anyone who interacts with kids frequently. It has been such an eye-opening, heart warming book for me to read; it has given me the confidence to listen to my instinctive parenting choices more readily, and disregard comments that criticise my parenting style. Gonzalez has encouraged me to think about how my words and actions have a deeper impact than I had realised, building on the knowledge (and reminding me of it) that I gained from Studying the minds of babies when i was pregnant.

Thank you for reading

Xoxo

1 Year of Boobing

August 5, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

As a breastfeeding enthusiast I thought I’d take the opportunity of World Breastfeeding Week to share my journey highlights and struggles, and add in some breastfeeding facts.

I fully support ALL women and mums, we all do our best with what we can, and we make choices based on what we feel is best at the time. Nobody should feel guilty for the way we raise our children. That said, 73% of women in the UK start breastfeeding, but 56% of them stop within the first 3 months. If it’s “the most natural thing in the world” then why is this the case?

Unfortunately, though the image gives a number of reasons, I cannot answer my own question. What I can do however, is raise awareness; share some facts, talk about my experiences AND I can cheer you on because even if we’ve never met, if you want some support, I am 100% willing to give it.

Breastfeeding is HARD. Actually, being a mum in general is hard – but your baby still thinks you’re the best, so keep going. You’ve got this!

5 Breastfeeding Facts:

Fact 1.
Women all over the world breastfeed, regardless of their diet. 99% of women can physically produce enough milk for their babies provided the relationship between mother and child is not interrupted (I.e. child is demand fed to establish good supply).

Fact 2.
After birth colostrum is produced (yellowish coloured milk) which lines the intestines of a newborn baby. Colostrum is highly concentrated with immune factors to help the baby mature.

Fact 3.
Breastfeeding is environmentally and economically friendly. No bottles mean no waste, and also no expense. Breastfeeding is free, and it means you can go out and not worry about taking “food” for baby because it’s already with you.

Fact 4.
Mum’s are healthier. Breastfeeding increases the speed of which the uterus shrinks back down; it lowers risks of breast cancer and ovarian cancer and protects against osteoporosis. It also delays periods returning!

Fact 5.
Breastfeeding isn’t always easy. Support is needed, sometimes positions need changing, sometimes baby has tongue tie. There are always hard days but support from partners and friends goes a long way.

There are many more, I’ll list some sources below, but talking about facts doesn’t always make things relatable. Talking about experiences does. My journey has been interesting, and it’s got better with time. Here are 5 of the many different moments that have stood out for me:

1. When my baby boy was born I had this perfect image of him still connected to his cord, placed on my chest and latching instantly. Instead, he was too tired to latch, I was exhausted, disoriented and losing blood, and I felt like I had already failed because I wasn’t mentally present for the first moments (and hours) of his life.

I know now that: Not all babies latch straight away… Labour is hard on them too so sometimes they just want to sleep.

2. Cluster feeding in week 3 almost killed me. I would be up all night, feeding and rocking him, standing up because if I lay down I’d fall asleep (and sitting was uncomfortable). I distinctly remember 1 night where I thought about giving up – maybe I wasn’t producing enough milk? Maybe he was just hungry? Maybe with formula he’d be happier? I understood in that moment why so many women, especially those who do not have enough support or information, pack it in and switch.

I know now that: Cluster feeding is when babies feed frequently, often it feels like they never want to come off the boob, because they are growing. It can also happen if they are teething or unwell and want comfort.

I also know that a week later my baby’s feeding had improved so drastically that I felt like a new (free) woman. Sticking through the first month was a challenge but it did get easier.

3. I had fountains of milk! I would go out (or stay home) and he’d latch, start the flow and then come up for air… and milk would spurt out of my nipple and everywhere! It’s funny to think about but I do remember feeling frustrated and embarrassed at points.

I know now: Supply sorts itself out after a few months and then this stuff doesn’t happen so much. Baby doesn’t care and most of the time nobody’s paying attention so it’s not as big of a deal as it may feel. Have a muslin square around just in case though!

4. Biting was a huge fear! It happened (and sometimes still does) but rarely. Once teeth started to cut, if he bit me I would put him down and he soon realised biting meant boob would be taken away.

There’s not really much I learned here, just that it’s normal but cutting teeth doesn’t mean they can’t be gentle, it just requires a new learning for them.

5. Boob smiles! Every mum knows this one and it still melts my heart. The cute smile while they feed or the giggles afterwards – makes it feel like there’s some magic in the milk!

Again not really a learning, but definitely a highlight (for me anyway)!

This is us with Theo Prana at 7 months, feeding to sleep.

There is no question that breast milk is the prime source of food for a tiny human, but whether you breastfed for 1 day, 1 month, 1 year or until your child weaned naturally, there should be no guilt or shame involved. We all do our best.

Thank you for reading. If you are a mama in need of a little encouragement or if you just want to say hi, drop me a message. I’ll cheer you on!

Xoxo

Resources:

https://www.laleche.org.uk/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/your-breastfeeding-questions/

https://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/breastfeeding-help/

http://www.who.int/topics/breastfeeding/en/

Park Play

August 2, 2018March 9, 2023 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I recently picked up my camera again. My dad mentioned something about taking pictures and I decided to YouTube a couple of tutorials about toddler photography. It lit a fire in me and I am loving it!

Here are my top 10 shots from last week; I wanted to share.

Any tips or feedback would be greatly appreciated because I know there is still lots I have to learn.

Xoxo

Surviving the First Year of Parenthood; Long-distance

July 29, 2018July 29, 2020 | Rohana Aisha Dewfall

This week Theo Prana and I had a beautiful week with H. He visited Gibraltar to celebrate our baby boy’s first birthday, and though we didn’t really do a very big party

or even get him any gifts, the fact that we were together was enough. We decided that since Theo doesn’t really know what birthday celebrations are yet, and he has so many clothes and toys, that just spending time together and making memories was more important. My dad had his camera on him, and I have recently picked mine up too, so the days have definitely not gone undocumented.

H and I spoke about lots this week, and before he left, I asked him to send me something small about his first year, and how, despite the distance, he’s managed it. It’s the first time he’s ever had an input into this blog, but hopefully not the last! The content is his, but the words are mine… he was in Scotland while Theo and I were in Portsmouth.

Here are the 4 ways H survived the first year of fatherhood:

1. Video Calls! Lots of them, through Facebook, Whatsapp, Skype or any other form of social media. Video calling made a big difference, even when there wasn’t a lot to say. Sometimes it was just nice to be able to have the line open and watch, but other times, just watching was harder than having no contact.

2. Photos. Having a wife that doesn’t put her camera down helps. Getting bombarded with photos meant seeing what they (baby and R) had been up to. It allowed me to be involved and included even though I wasn’t physically there. *

*Or when we are together, we get snaps like these!

3. Being busy. This meant doing anything that kept my mind ticking; diving in head first to things that allowed me to forget about reality. Often this was games (much to the annoyance of my wife!) because they kept me sane.

4. Being with people who get it. My job allowed me to be surrounded by other people who understand the harsh reality of long distance relationships, and the difficulty that comes with being away from family. The situation was still not completely normal, but having some of it understood helped.

My lack of understanding about the reality of long-distance parenthood has proved a topic of contention between H and I, but this week, I feel like after many many conversations, I feel like we are on a new level. I am in Gibraltar for a few more weeks while I work, but will soon head home, closing the distance once and for all.

Thank you H for allowing me to feature you on this post, and thank you to all of our family, friends and extended village, for the continued support.

Xoxo