Life with a Toddler: Soft Play Mishaps

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Occurred March 4th

You know those moments when your toddler gets hurt and you know it’s partly your fault? I had a moment like that today with Theo in a soft play centre.

My tiny humans loves slides And usually the higher and faster, the better. So he went for it, with a little help we got to the top of the gym styled course and to the biggest slide. My friend and her daughter when down together, but Theo didn’t want to get on my lap, so, (foolishly) I didn’t force him. Instead, I sat down on the slide next to him and said we would go down together.

1, 2, 3, weeeeee….

Queue crying… queue loud, I’m in pain crying! He smacked the side of his face near the bottom.

The result: my kid now looks really roughed up.

This isn’t the first instance of bruising this week! He has tripped and fallen and been downright clumsy over the weekend, so this episode on the slide is just icing on the cake.

Oh and now he’s afraid of slides too.

My takeaway point: sometimes, as much as its great to let toddlers take charge during play, it’s also probably wise not to let them go down giant slides without sitting on your lap.

However, overall he is fine, so as much I feel guilty for not preventing the hurt, I also know he has learned a lot from it and will let me do it with him next time. We will tackle slides together another day and hopefully he will find the joy again.

Life with a Toddler: Bathroom Do-overs

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Occurred March 1st 2019.

We’ve had a rough few days recently, lots of tears and a lot of emotional stuff happening for my son. Tonight was no different, he refused to eat dinner, cried because I said we were not reading a book for the 12 time and then splashed water everywhere while brushing his teeth. He loves running the water and splashing.

We (I) finished. He didn’t want to leave the bathroom.

I picked him up, moved him and closed the door switching off the light. And of course he cried. And cried. And cried.

Then it clicked.

Rewind – we had a do over!

I got down to his level, apologised for rushing him and told him we would try again. He got back up on his stool by the sink, ran the water and waited. I think he was a bit confused.

I asked him to shut the water off and help me turn off the light. It was magical! He shut off the water, got down off his little step and said “up” so he could read the light switch. He helped me close the door and said goodbye to the bathroom.

We carried on much happier and I could breathe a little easier knowing I had succeeded in helping him overcome at least 1 of the many hardships of his daily toddler life.

My takeaway point:

I learned that do-overs can save a situation. Paying attention and helping my son feel in control moves us away from near meltdowns to a way of working that may take 5 minutes longer, but that it keeps the peace.

The Grass May be Greener Somewhere Else But the Flowers are in Your Garden Not Outside It

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

A friend and I were talking recently about first impressions. We shared our first impression of each other and both admitted that we would never have pegged each other as people we’d become close friends with.

Initially, we both had preconceived ideas about each other, from a brief encounter on the creche run, and a few days later while our kids toddled around in the park.

She thought because I wore yoga pants, I had my life together and was able to find time to practice. Add to that the fact I was (and am) still breastfeeding, the impression she says that I gave to her was one of being an energetic and strong willed woman.

Meanwhile, having only had a short conversation with her about her daughter’s bedtime, I too assumed she was a mum who had her life together. Her kid was in bed by 6:30 pm and her house was clean and despite wearing designer clothes, she didn’t care if they got muddy or wet. She seemed so calm and confident; I felt like she was a woman who had life sorted!

Then, we got to know each other…

We started spending some time together soon after meeting, both putting aside the ideas we had of each other so that our kids could have a companion.

Our kids are similar ages (but at the moment even a few weeks makes a difference). Both kids go to creche 3 time a week together, and often in the afternoons we will take them to play outside or at one of our houses. They eat better when there is 2 of them, so mealtimes are shared regularly now as well.

From tentatively agreeing to our first play=date for them, we have come a long way.

In that time, we’ve learned that the reality of each other’s lives, isn’t as rosy as we assumed.

She might have managed to sort a bedtime routine out and taught her daughter to self settle, but daytime naps are rare and her wee girl almost a always fights sleep away. Until recently her girl was on a many month long food strike, relying on bottles mostly. I’ve learned what an absolute hassle bottles can be, how difficult it can be when you just want the day to end, but there is sterilising to do, and other mum-jobs to sort out. It can also be pretty damn lonely when after 7 o’clock the only things you can do are read, knit or watch quiet telly; especially in our walk of life where partners are not often home in the evening.

But while my grass is greener because my son does nap, he most certainly does NOT self-settle, wakes at least twice a night and I am a human pacifier. I regularly get kicked in the face too because we co-sleep! He regularly tests boundaries with the cooker, loud noises, scratching and hitting; recently he drew all over my kitchen cupboards and began to chip the paint off his small table! He is also going through a possessive phase and gets quite jealous whereas her girl is very easy going most of the time.

The point is that neither of us have everything figured out. We didn’t judge each other on those first meetings, and the result has been worth it!

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We are 18 months into motherhood and still call ourselves new mums; because the reality is that it is all new, all the time. Each stage is new, and it comes with new challenges. We put our kids first and learned that rather than ‘having life figured out’ both of us are muddling through the best we can.

I think that she is an incredible mum, overcoming some of the toughest challenges of daily life with her daughter as the number 1 priority. Anyone with eyes could see how much love there is, even on the hardest days; she researches, peacefully parents and tries to accept that while kids need boundaries, there is often a deep reason for them acting in ways we feel isn’t right (e.g. biting/hitting).

Chloe Christmas (4)

Like most mums, she is doing her damn best, and so am I. We build each other up and help where we can. We water each others grass, and we are helping raise our tiny flowers to know that they have a lot of people in their corners.

Thank goodness for that first play-date. It morphed into something marvellous.

Mummy

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

For all parents, our kids first words are special. For first time parents, I think it is even more so. We often can’t wait for our babies to reach milestones and speech is one of the big ones!

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I remember being pregnant and hearing a lady say that every time her wee grandson called her “granny” it made heart melt; for her, there was no purer joy. At the time, I thought it was very sweet, but I didn’t really understand.

Recently, my baby boy has found his voice and become extremely confident using it. He’s getting better and better at communicating and its incredible to see him change daily now. I don’t always understand what he says, or what he wants, but if I just stop, listen and watch, and actually breathe in the moments he is sharing with me, it is magical.

He’ll often say ‘mama mama’ as he plays with his toys; not calling me, just to himself. He’ll say “maymee” if he is talking on a pretend phonecall, or ‘toe tee tooo” if he counts 1,2,3. He has his own language entirely and understands more than I will ever realise. It is fascinating to watch. In the morning, he’ll babble or recently he requests to see Daddy’s video* to him on my phone; then we’ll play before getting out of bed.

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The newest word to his collection is “mummy”. Perfectly pronounced so it actually does sound the way it should. He says it often softly, when he needs me, or when he brings me a book to read to him. He also shouts it, especially when there is a lot going on, he wants to make sure he is heard. As he becomes more assertive, he’s started telling me “no, mummy no” when he doesn’t like something or feels I have done something unfair.

It is by no means easy, but it does feel special. I am mummy, with the superpower of making things better, the person to be mad at, the person to cry to, the person for food, drink, entertainment and comfort. Yet even when its exhausting, when he’s called constantly me and tantrumed all day, when he’s been attached to my hip and nursed non-stop, being mummy is beautiful.

Now, I understand what that lady meant when she spoke of the joy it brought her because now, I feel that joy every time my son asks for his mummy.

* Daddy is away currently but I have a video of him telling Theo that he loves him and is very excited to see him soon. A month ago, Theo would get angry and upset seeing it, so we didn’t watch it, but recently he’s been saying “dada” and “daddy” more, and he loves watching the video! I wouldn’t often advocate screen time before even getting out of bed, but right now, this is the best thing for us and it makes for a happier day.

Life lately

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

We are already in the middle February and I swear yesterday it was the beginning of summer 2018 – Where has the time gone?!

Since I haven’t kept up to date here much, this week I wanted to update you on my life lately; and the rollercoaster it has been. I finally feel like I am settling down again, and am getting comfortable in my home, the home that I have changed drastically in the last month. But that’s getting ahead of myself; for a proper update, I need to actually backtrack briefly to the end of last summer…

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Summer really did fly by, I picked up my camera and I started falling in love with photography again. It spurred my series of Fortnightly Photos that I posted here, though keeping them fortnightly towards the end proved harder than I had hoped. I have stopped that project now for a while, but have by no means put down the camera. As my joy with photography set off, I decided to offer it professionally – outdoor family/children’s portrait photography mostly, but I have been studying and learning about working within studio settings too, as well as abstract photography, travel and much more. I am not busy within this small business, but I love it, and I know that if it is meant to be, then clients will come. As long as I can provide the service with a genuine love for capturing people, then I will be happy to continue.

While doing this, I continued my online studying and by Christmas I had qualified with Warrior’s at Ease as a Level 1 Trauma Sensitive Yoga teacher to work within military communities. It is something I am extremely excited about offering in the near future but I am not quite there yet.

Moving back to Scotland, permanently this time was exciting and difficult. There was a lot of learning for H and I because we needed to find a balance between work, parenting, our marriage and having our own down time. There were many great moments and many fights, we aren’t perfect but after being apart so long, we both knew it would be hard work. Now, he’s on patrol, and won’t be back for some weeks yet, so we will have to go backwards a bit, and get used to life together again.

Family Photos pre-patrol (6)

We knew he was going, so I went home to my parents for Christmas and he went off to find Nemo!

Then the fun bit came… we went to a family wedding in Jakarta.

35 hours on 3 different flights, my parents, brother, cousin and 17 month old son made the trip. Poor Theo (my son) has been on more flights in his life than I think he’d ever care to think about! He is an absolute trooper. We arrived and he wasn’t well, and progressively got worse over 4 days before we took him to A&E and got admitted to hospital. We missed our flight(s) home and got back 8 days later, safe and healthy. It was scary but we survived, and a week later were home in Scotland!

Continue reading →

Student Motherhood: Guest Post by Emily Duff

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Hello,

I am collecting stories of student motherhood, to normalise the experience and to help new student mums (whether at school, college, university or later in life), feel that the struggles they go through are normal; something I think I’d have benefited from in my own experiences. Therefore, I am reaching out and asking for help – if you are/were a student mum – or dad! – then please contact me, I would love to hear your story, and share it if you’ll let me.

This story was kindly sent to me by Emily Duff of JAE Consultancy.

Introduce yourself:

Hi I’m Emily, and at 21 years old I found myself a student and an unexpected first-time mum. I now have a beautiful 4-year-old son and run my own marketing business specialising in social media and blog writing for small businesses. I started my agency, JAE Consultancy, in 2018 to give me the opportunity to make the most of both the parenting and working worlds. In between managing clients’ social media accounts, cooking dinner and participating in my son’s school’s PTA, I love to write creatively and binge watch one too many Netflix series!

How did you feel finding out you were pregnant? What were the circumstances?

I was in my first year of University studying for a degree in English Language with a minor in Creative Writing, and at the start of my second semester I found out unexpectedly I was 5 months pregnant. I had no bump, no sickness, and any tiredness I had put down to being a full-time student whilst working. To say it was a shock was an understatement! Many people didn’t believe I was pregnant at first as it wasn’t visible, and I have to say I totally milked the opportunity to eat snacks in my 3-hour-long lectures.

What was your pregnancy like? Were there any highlight moments or struggles? How did you cope?

From the day of finding out I was pregnant to the day I gave birth was 13 weeks. I had to sort out maternity leave from my part-time job at a coffee shop, sitting my university exams and buying everything needed for a baby in that short time, plus deal with my body’s changes. My partner and I luckily had a steady roof over our heads and we both had worked and saved money, so we were able to get everything we needed in time, but it was a struggle to juggle family, university and work while heavily pregnant. I managed to sit my exam on a Friday, and went into labour on the Saturday, so everything worked out ok in the end!.

The first weeks of motherhood, what were they like?

I was very fortunate in that my son’s birth was uncomplicated and he took to breast feeding without any problems, and although the first few weeks of motherhood seemed a blur, they were filled with happy moments and just an overwhelming sense of calm and achievement. I was on a long summer break from university, and on paid maternity leave, so I really enjoyed having 24/7 bonding time with my tiny baby.

Going back to study; did you want to? How did you feel? How did you juggle everything?

I made an unusual choice in going back to studying straight away, rather than deferring for a year. It meant that my son was just 4 months old, and we had to place him with a local childminder. That in itself was a heart wrench, but we had found an amazing woman who exceeded my expectations with how she looked after my son. In fact, she’s now considered part of the family and he cannot remember life without her.

My university timetable meant that I was on site 2 days a week, and could study from home the other days. This worked out amazingly as I could spend more time at home with my baby rather than forking out for full-time childcare. I must say my second year at university was a lot easier than my third – having a child under one and writing essays is a lot easier than having a 2 year old on the move while writing a dissertation!

Of course there were days when I just wanted to be at home with my son, and I did miss out on some special moments such as his first trip to a beach, but luckily the communication between the childminder and myself meant that my son was never without and he had a very supportive and enjoyable time with all of us.

The hardest thing about being a mum at university was missing out on the social aspects. A lot of the events associated with the Creative Writing side of my degree were in the evenings, which meant I missed a lot of outings. However, my lecturers and fellow students really embraced my son, and so we sneaked him into a lot of social events such as poetry readings and Christmas parties.

Where are you now in your life/studies? Do you have any plans for the future?

I graduated with a 2:1 degree (Hons) in English Language with a minor in Creative Writing in 2016 when my son was just 2 years old. I am really glad I continued with my degree and saw it through to the end when my son was so young, as it meant I was able to get a steady graduate job and income by the time he was aware and at nursery. I would love to be able to do a Masters Degree in the future, but as I’m undecided in my topic choice it is on hold at the moment.

Lastly, do you have any advice for student mums/dads?

I always get asked how I did it, and I have to say that being in a routine was fundamental to me studying and being a parent. My son’s routine did not change; he had set meal times, nap times and bed times regardless of if he was with me or the childminder, and having these time routines meant I had time to do parent things as well as to study.

On the days my son was at the childminder’s, I maximised my hours at university by spending spare hours in the library, getting ahead with reading and starting assignments so nothing was left to a typical student last-minute rush.

The best thing to do is to show your child that you can achieve anything you set your mind to through hard work and dedication, and I think any student mum or dad shows this in the most remarkable and inspiring way.

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Emily Duff is a millennial who grew up around social media and technology. She launched JAE Consultancy in January 2018 to help small businesses get their social media profiles off the ground. Based on her son’s initials, JAE Consultancy has a personal approach that makes individuals feel at ease at the beginning of their business journeys. Emily strives to achieve excellence in everything she does for her clients, and loves seeing people succeed in their own companies.  

Emily can be contacted via the links below:

Returning to Writing

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

For those who follow my blogging, you have probably noticed that in the last few months I have taken a huge back-step from writing. I hadn’t realised the blessing my degree provided in that while I worked on assignments, taking a break would allow me to create content for my blog. Once I graduated, my laptop was open less, and weeks turned into months without me sitting down to write. I have moved from being a student mum to a SAHMAW and am still adjusting to the demands of my (semi) newly acquired title.

I have decided however, that now is a good time to return to blogging. Prompted by my latest guest post, I am committing myself to my blog once more, starting with an explanation of what a SAHMAW is:

Stay

At

Home

Mum

And

Wife.

I currently also answer to “mummy” “mammy” “memmeee” and various other names given to me by my toddler this week!

Moving away from being a university student was rewarding but hard, part of me really misses my time at uni. With my tiny baby, I thought I would never graduate and the long nights of feeding and soothing would never end; but they did, too quickly.

I started 2018 as someone who had assignment to do, deadlines to meet and actions to justify (to real adults/figures of authority), as well as be ‘mum’ and keep my tiny human alive, healthy and happy. I graduated, moved up to Scotland to live with my husband and suddenly, I became a housewife/stay at home mum. By the end of the 2018, the main focus of my life was when daddy would be back for dinner, and getting ready for him to leave on patrol.

The transition has been hard. I miss the buzz of uni, but I am nostalgic and romantic; life as a student mum was harder than this life now. I am blessed to have this time with my son, and I am grateful to be sharing every day with him.

I am a SAHMAW and proud. It is not a path many of my old friends are likely to take, and it is a path that outside the military community, I have already been tutted at for. But it works for us. Staying home and running the house, keeping my toddler entertained and safe, running a small business and trying to keep myself mentally challenged as well; we know how to keep busy!

Being a SAHMAW can be a little crazy sometimes, but there is a lot of love and laughter. I do miss being a student, but just because I don’t attend lectures, doesn’t mean I stop learning. I have completed 1 yoga course, am halfway through a photography one and have some more yoga and learning in the pipeline. Having a toddler also means constant reading (while he sleeps) about growth, children and parenting. There is always more to learn and the biggest teacher is often my son.

I’ll stop rambling now. Thanks for reading.

X

R

Fortnightly Photos IX

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So this last couple weeks baby and I travelled back to Gibraltar and left hubby behind in Scotland. The plan was he’d be leaving with work shortly after but some delays have postponed that slightly.

Because of all the travelling, and the fact Theo had chicken pox and then a tummy bug, photos have been scarce. I am using my dad’s camera now, and enjoying it because I am learning from him. I also signed up to a photography online course so will be starting that soon! I am honestly very excited for it.

Christmas is a week away now so things are very busy. Baby is lots better and enjoying the sun and the free reign he gets because its easier to chase him in the small space. Here are a few of him making the most of his freedom:

I’ll post more soon, it’s going to be a New Year goal of mine.

Xox

R

The Nature of the Mind

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Another of my Raja Course Essays. I am working on them slowly, and have a couple more to publish here. Once these are done, I am planning to take a back-step, because at the moment, it’s not high enough on my priority list, and I want to give this course my full attention. I wrote this one in October 2018: 

The Nature of the Mind: 

The nature of the Seer (our true selves) is impacted heavily by the mind. The mind, to use an analogy is like a lake; when the lake is still and clear, there is peace in our thoughts. We are able to look into the lake and see ourselves clearly; a true reflection. However, when the lake is murky, or there are ripples in the water – our busy thought forms – the reflection is distorted. We are unable to see ourselves in our true form, because, as Swami Satchidanda said, the mind is coloured. The goal of yoga is to restrain the mind, to free us from the bondage created by these thought forms; known as vrittis so that we can cultivate peace and harmony in our lives.

In the practice of yoga, through meditation, we observe our minds without judgement. In time, with regular practice and dedication to ourselves, we see that our minds are less busy, and that our thoughts are useful. In more time, we are told by experienced practitioners and the great gurus and spiritual leaders, that we can turn off our thoughts, and experience total stillness; a perfect reflection in the lake of our minds. This is what the Sutra’s tell us, once we have managed yogas chittas vrittis nirodhah, we can abide in our own true nature (Sutra 1:3 – tada drastuh svarupe vasthanam).

Patanjali tells us that the vrittis are the key. These 5 mental modifications that can either be painful (selfish) or painless (selfless).

  1. Right Knowledge: we can choose to be indifferent, or we can choose to learn about our high self, to do good, and to be good.
  2. Misconception: when we do not understand the full story yet make judgement/observations based on only what we know – e.g. the coiled rope being mistaken for the snake. As we modify our minds through yoga, we are able to understand that there is knowledge missing, so we seek it.
  3. Verbal delusion: when words are used to convey images that are not true to reality. If we are able to modify our minds, we can sense verbal delusion from others and use our discriminative discernment to maintain our truth. Additionally, we would not use verbal delusion with others.
  4. Sleep: our minds are not blank in sleep, and through meditation, we can modify this vritti to influence our minds even as we dream.
  5. Memory: our minds attach emotions to memory and often this leads to feelings of regret or sorrow if the memory is associated with a bad experience. Through yoga, we can modify our thought patterns and let go of this attachment to the emotion and accept that we cannot change what has already occurred.

Authors Epiphany:

In relation to the last vritti, there is a quote that comes to mind:

The past does not exist, but you are dealing with the non-existent, going about as if it is a reality. That is the whole illusion. Mind is the basis of this.[i]

The past only exists in our heads, because when we write it or verbalise is, the full experience is lost. Words are able to convey experiences only as far as the person listening or reading can associate a personal experience to. This is the beauty of the mind. The mind allows us to understand pain, because we have felt it, so we can empathise; but our empathy doesn’t mean we are having the same experience, only that our minds have allowed us to understand something similar.

Through meditation, we can free ourselves from the thoughts that ‘weigh us down’, and by doing so, we are able to increase the compassion, love and joy we feel. A clear lake (mind) is the goal of yoga, as set out by Patanjali; it allows us peace and harmony. However, the muddy waters are part of our human experience, and the are what allow us to have an enriched life. The goal for me isn’t a perfectly clear lake all the time; in total honestly, I don’t think that it’s possible. My goal is a clear lake during quiet pockets of the day, but to fill the rest of the day with love, joy, pleasure, laughter; all the things that make life beautiful. Our minds are an incredibly interesting and beautiful and, in some ways, scary place, but that is part of our human experience.

Raising my son, I can see how his mind is shaped by different experiences. I want to make them good, I want to increase his enjoyment and enthusiasm. And, I want him to experience pain. I want him to grow knowing in his mind that pain and pleasure are both fleeting. There must be balance. Sthira and Suka.

As Chögyal Namkhai Norbu said, “Beyond the mind, beyond our thoughts, there is something we call the ‘nature of the mind’, the mind’s true condition, which is beyond all limits. If it is beyond the mind, though, how can we approach an understanding of it?”

I think the nature of the mind is to strive for quiet, for steadiness and for peace; but until the mind has had the opposite, we do not appreciate the silence.

Sources: 

[i][i] https://isha.sadhguru.org/yoga/yoga_articles_mind_stress/yoga-and-the-mind/