Nearly a full 40 now , where has it gone?! I had the realization that for anyone getting a daily email this might be getting annoying now, but I promise, it’s not forever. I’ve loved showing up like this, but I couldn’t keep it up indefinitely. That said, I’ve had so much inspiration and there is likely to be some more regular (weekly or bi-weekly) stuff to come.

The other night we had big feelings explode over a game and time and attention from me. It got me thinking about RSD, which is Rejective Sensitive Dysphoria, something I see in myself a lot, and have been seeing in my daughter recently with increasing frequency. I am currently assuming it relates to the major life changes unfolding, but it is on my radar as something to document, observe and try to hold space for, because I have a personal relationship with it.

She wanted to play, and colour me in so I was a rainbow, and though it wasn’t my absolute favourite idea, I didn’t mind. I gave her some rules, and she was loving it, decorating my legs, drawing pictures and then showing her grandmother who we were on video chat with. Prior to colouring me in, we’d played her favourite game with no tech involved, so I felt pretty confident that we’d had time together. The playdough was out so there was a few different bits going on, with P (big brother) creating an elaborate game and K asking for bedtime tv to wind down. After a lot of colouring, I told her we were done for now, my legs were rainbows (and sore) and she could join me and P or chill with K for 20 minutes. She didn’t love the idea and tried to introduce 3 seperate games while P waited for me to be the extra hands in the story he was creating. I said no to her, and we began.

She melted! She cried and stomped and screamed and I gave her space, giving P some time (though not enough) and eventually she came down demanding I say sorry because I had been mean. I say demanding because though she’s little, her voice and willpower is big and she was adamant that I was in the wrong.

Looonnnngggg story short, I ended with P a while after, not quite having given him the full extent of game time or attention he wanted or deserved but knowing we’d had time that morning, and I have to balance them. K was getting upset because of A and I was needed.

We did teeth through tears, and snuggled with both of them sobbing into me. I knew they were tired but this was more. K then let out that he missed daddy and granny and grandpa and I realized calling them might have been a trigger. Not that it’ll stop me, but he’s coming to that age now, and needs some attention to release feelings after – actually this scenario with P was one of the catalysts into play therapy and parenting for me. A then also revealed her best friend hadn’t been at school, and it came together.

We hugged, we read a book, and they slept. P came up when he was ready, though I had fallen asleep and only woke to find him snuggled in next to us.

This is normal for us. Truthfully, I think most families have a version of this kind of experience more regularly that we talk about; but for us, this is nearly daily on some level. We have moments of real ventral vagal too, and they flit between, but every day there is a rollercoaster. It’s hard, and a sign that we are raising emotionally healthy kids…

” What? Really? “

YES!

I have many conversations about this, how their extreme emotions often means they are being more emotionally healthy and if you’ve never looked at it that way, I invite you to. It is hard and exhausting for us, absolutely, but actually, by making sure they can express these big feelings, and then also bringing them back into a space of ventral vagal (which is the good, joy, contented stuff), we are showing them how to navigate rather than repress their emotions.

Essentially, though it might be harder now, it’s putting in the work in the toddler years and (hopefully!) reaping it in the teens. It’s playing the long game! Does that make sense ?

Anyway, I’d love to hear what you think about this because I’m feeling very inspired so comment, email me, come find me on IG, lets chat!

With love, thanks for reading,

Rohana x

I wrote this in November 2023… but tonight I’m coming back to it. My brain is filled with many many thoughts… and a lot of them are about Palestine.

I am political, that won’t change. I tried to stop …for years I shut it off… but I can’t. I don’t want to. My children fuel a lot of my feelings, and I don’t always create or consume the way I’d like, but ultimately, I can’t separate parenting and politics, and if you’re reading this, you’re likely a human who feels the same.

I walked in the rain

And the thunder

Reminded me of the bombs

I’ve heard on my phone

I closed my eyes

And asked the universe

For a little more strength

To witness this intense world

I sent up a prayer

And expressed my gratitude to the trees

And the thunder boomed

While I thought of the families

Not under joyful rain

Under dust and rubble again

I’m flitting between hopeless and numb, and rage-filled. Mostly I’m also trying to get through the days… we’ve got a few left here, and a few left of writing. It’s intense and rollercoaster-ish… hard and beautiful.

If you’re feeling the same, solidarity. I see you.

Thanks for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Yesterday I got a compliment and it was lovely… someone said that I was looking beautiful and pregnancy suits me.

She was kind. And I was thankful.

My body went to respond. To reflexively give her a compliment back. Because it felt wrong to receive something and just thank her.

Instead, I held myself… and I felt rude, but also knew, patterns were rewiring.

It’s something that happened for the first time a little while ago, and I noticed then. Yesterday I noticed again.

I read about how we reflexively respond to people, especially our partners, and over the past year its something I’ve spoken with H about quite frequently. It comes up in situations from the food we might want, the arguments we might have and the intimate moments of life… it’s easy to practice noticing with him, because once I explained what I was doing, he just got it. In fact, we’ve had some incredibly connected moments based off of checking in about whether our responses are reflective or genuine.

Further reading and research has led into linking this to a fawn response, and now, I’m thinking about how interesting it is, in relation to today.

The woman who complimented me is beautiful. She’s also one of the kindest people I know, and though we’re not close friends, she is a friendly face, and someone I’m genuinely happy to meet when out. Everything in my body said “compliment back” … and I did, later, on an entirely other subject, where it was genuine and not in a fawn or ‘giving for the sake of it’ kind of way.

Noticing these interactions I know that in waiting to find a genuine reason to compliment her (or anyone), I was able to be more aligned with my own body and my nervous system benefited too.

This pregnancy has been one of immense healing… because ultimately I’m more resourced. Rewiring this reflexive response has been a part of that. Understanding that I don’t need to appease or please anyone because I am not actually in any danger, has been an incredible shift. It is of course still a work in progress… but the patterns are moving, and today was proof of that.

It reminds me too, that starting in a space (with my husband) where I was safe to test out how this felt and how to navigate it, is how I have built my capacity to bring it out into every day life.

In a similar way, our children do that with us. They test their feelings, explore, explode, repair and play through many experiences using us as their safety net. Then, as their capacity builds, they bring it out into the world. P is testing and expanding his capacity to make friends (after some really sad experiences where friendships have disappeared and he has struggled) and A is testing her tolerance at exploring emotions with other people, practicing what rupture and repair might look like with people outside of our home.

It hasn’t clicked until writing this that I witnessed both of these in them at the park yesterday.

Compliments are a fun one to explore, because actually they are jam packed with baggage for many of us. Giving compliments and receiving them bring up so many different experiences in our bodies. I’ll probably have more thoughts later about them, but for now, that’s it.

As ever, thanks for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Weekends go so quickly don’t they? Time is a little bit insane like that. I wrote years ago about how watching my toddler (back then I just had the 1), it felt like my 1 day was the equivalent of a weeks experiences to him. I couldn’t see how he had so much energy … when he was constantly interested or immersed in something.

Today, I see all my kids play and have experiences and rest when they need, and I understand better than actually at aged 2, everything is stimulating, and it’s important for them to have all these experiences because their brains file it all away for later. It’s the beauty of our physiological design that in the first 7 years of life, we absorb an immense amount of information, and then spend the next years integrating and making sense of it.

Knowing this doesn’t stop me marvelling at the way they experience days though, even if I am tired sometimes.

Today has been filled with many moments, but this evening we went to the beach and I sat and watched them. I said to H, we don’t need to be hands on here… they’re so content exploring. It was such an anchoring moment that things are going okay. We are in the right place at the right time.

I’m definitely someone who experiences time blindness… when I hyperfocus, when I worry, and when I relax… as well as when I’m trying to plan a bus or train somewhere! Keeping time is something I’m genuinely not overly concerned about, so long as I don’t have major commitments… and it’s interesting to see how this passes on to the kids, without the anxiety I experience around it. It’s something I hope they will struggle with less.

This weekend, being a bank holiday, means we got a whole extra day with H. He leaves tomorrow again and then we’re on a  2 week countdown to move! It feels both forever and too soon… though I know the sooner we settle, the sooner baby will feel safe enough to arrive. My intentions are for the whole experience to be seamless. I’m excited!

2 weeks feels like limbo.

2 weeks also must feel far longer to the kids.

2 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

And, 2 weeks provides opportunity for so much.

2 weeks is 2 weeks… but what we do with it will build memories, take photos, meet friends… and then, say goodbye. It feels bittersweet. But at least, this weekend has been filled with many moments of exactly all those things, we are making a good start.

Tomorrow, I’ll hopefully be a bit more inspired (and awake) to share some plans and thoughts about more juciy topics.

Tonight, I’m off to bed,

With love, Rohana x

“You wake and kick and cry
Tears flow from your little eyes

Scared
Angry
Unsure
You haven’t done this before.

I hold you
You weep
Coughing
Scratching
It all feels wrong
You didn’t mean to hurt anyone

Your kicks are strong
But our love is stronger
I hold you in my arms

Settle
Slow
Breathe
You don’t have to sleep
I’m here
I’ll hold you
While you weep

I wish I could take the pain
I would hold it
In a heartbeat
To make life a little sweeter
For you
But pain doesn’t work like that
And if I did
I’d be robbing you
Of an essential part
Of your existence

I’ve learned that
Instead of take the pain
When I hold you
Through it
This is where
You begin
To feel safe
Again”

H got home today after a really really long week. Its been filled with joy and chaos and I’m exhausted… the state of the world, our house and my own brain ticking into overtime, plus some well timed night wakings from the kids, has made this week feel longer than most.

The kids also really seem to be really feeling all the feelings about H being away, and getting ready to move, but also, it taking forever!

They fell asleep and it’s nearly 1am and I’m still up, talking to H about life and random facts… like those of moose and orcas, which shark is a favourite and whatever other tangents we find ourselves winding down. The kids are snoring between us as we chat, and I’ve just thought, this is one of my favourite parts of our relationship.

When we started our relationship we’d spend hours talking, he was UK based and I was in Gibraltar… sometimes we’d Skype late at night and fall asleep on a call, having spoken until 3 or 4 in the morning about any and everything we could.

Now, more than 10 years later, we are still talking; still finding conversations that keep us up for hours, still staying up way too late. The only difference is that we’re not on a Skype call and instead of classes to attend tomorrow morning, we’ve got 3 beautiful humans, who are absolutely going to wake us up with plans for a day of play.

I’ve had a few interesting conversations this week about how much we’ve changed as people, and reflecting on it… it’s such a anchoring experience to feel supported and loved, and deeply interested in talking to each other.

It isn’t always picture perfect… but what relationship is? Whether it’s our family, friendships, partners, parents or children, relationships test us and bring emotional rollercoasters. This is no different. BUT we are here… past 1am and talking about life, plans, random facts and the world. It’s pretty epic actually. 

For tonight, that’s all I can/want to share… the 2010 version of me wouldn’t believe her eyes!

Where ever you are at, I hope you keep trying to make choices that make your heart happy.

With love, Rohana x

I started writing this yesterday, though in the future 25 or 26 won’t matter too much … but then, my very deregulated 6 year old meant that parenting took over, and I fell asleep holding him. I could have carried on at 1am or even 3am when the others woke me, but sometimes, priorities change.

I felt guilty this morning, like I had broken a commitment… but the thing is, commitments don’t have to be 100% rigid… life is fluid. I’m still showing up. I’m taking responsibility. I’m doing the thing.

And, isn’t that what life is about? Isn’t that what I want to pass on to my kids.

Not a rigid, self-shaming, perfectionist mentality, but a compassionate, determined, and accepting one. We adapt, adjust and accommodate. 

It’s the same in relationships…. once we’ve known someone for years, we change. They change. Whether it’s a friend, a child, a parent or a partner, we are constantly recommitting… and though it sounds lovely and romantic as a notion, actually sometimes it’s fucking hard! Especially when we have our own ideals and have to accept that the other person/people are human too, and we cannot project our goals onto them.

As a parent, I’m reminded of this every single day.

Our children aren’t blank slates or performing monkeys… they are full blown humans with opinions and desires, and sometimes they’ll do what we expect, but many times they won’t. They’ll pave their paths, and that’s really quite an extraordinary thing to witness.

It has been through conscious parenting and working through my own school wounds, childhood experiences and beliefs passed down ancestorally (which is a continuous process), that I have found most of my relationships change. From conscious parenting to conscious partnerships, in friends, family and importantly with my husband; we’ve had many conversations about how as we examine the way we are raising our kids, we also fundamentally change the way we approach life with others.

Now, as I write this, having spent the better part of today already reshuffling priorities and being as present as possible with my kids, I’m aware how committing to myself sometimes means leaning in to what they need more deeply, so that, when they feel secure and held, I can step away.

So day 25, looks nothing like what I started last night, and day 26 will come later … not perfect, but perfection is highly overrated. Commitment to a 40 day practice doesn’t require me to shame or blame myself when days aren’t exact, it means even when we slip up, or plans change, recommitting, showing up, and carrying on.

With love,

Rohana x