Author: Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Day 37 – Goodbye Feelings and Other thoughts

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

We said goodbye to friends today, and on the walk home, we had the first real wobble in a long time from P and A about our move.

They’ve been excited mostly, knowing that there is more adventure on the way.

But today, saying goodbye was hard. They both shared how sad they are to leave friends. And I really do get it.

They’ve laid down roots here… after all, A was only 11 months when we arrived. K has never known any different… and this is the longest space I’ve lived in since Gibraltar. Despite many many rough moments and months where I was desperately seeking ways to move out, we have made many beautiful memories here.

Day 37 of my writing, and it’s been the anchor I needed as we prepare to leave… giving me a space to share, reflect and honour that we all have so much going on. The last few days especially have been intense, and between writing, breathwork and my own study/reading, I’ve seen just how much I’ve expanded my capacity to really hold my kids through their feelings.

It’s not that I couldn’t before. I did. I tried. I did the best I could with the resources I had.

In the past year though, things have shifted. I can hold them closer without getting so affected. I can take things less personally (most of the time), and I am more resourced. It’s not been by magic, because my goodness I’ve done a lot of work… but this weekend I had an anchoring moment where I felt in my body just how much more I’m able to tap into reserves and replenish them. It was confirmation to keep going, even when it seems a little crazy.

Truthfully, as I write this, I’m shifting again and I can feel it. I stretched myself today, getting on my IG for a live that was interrupted and cut short by my kids… I wouldn’t have attempted it a year ago, but I know I’ll attempt it again later. I’m deeper in the birth world. Deeper in my activism, rooted in parenting and doing what I can. Deeper in my own self acceptance, and “fu*k you” attitude to those who cannot respect boundaries.

Boundaries… a buzz word! I’ll share about them later this year… but again today, I had a tangible experience of holding my own energy and not allowing someone into my energy field. Holding the boundary. This isn’t new, and it isn’t old, it just is, and the more I practice, the easier it becomes.

Between expansions and feelings, and the physical boxing of our life here… I know we are ready to move on. We are mentally boxing up too now, and waiting on H to come home. Over a year of weekending done. The next adventure awaits.

For tonight, that’s it,

I prefer writing in the mornings really.

With love,

Rohana x

Day 36 – Our words matter ~ A Poem

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I came across this title ‘our words matter’ in my journal, and it was blank. I had a minute and thought, well this is perfect, my 40 days of writing can be to share this today… so, a poem inspired by past me.

The voice in our minds
Is often born when we are little
Those early years
When grown ups are the gods
And we are learning
Soaking up the world
When we believe that what they say
Is the biggest and most important
Truth

From our time in the womb
We hear voices
And these voices
Stay with us
Sometimes forever

It might be

The voice that tells us we are
Beautiful
Smart
Loveable
Held

It can also be
The voice that pulls us down
Annoying
Dramatic
Naughty
Useless

The voices we carry,
From childhood
Through life
Are often those of our parents
Brothers
Sisters
Teachers
Friends
Though the latter less so

It makes me wonder
Not only about my own voices
But those my children will carry
It brings hope
And guilt
And curiosity
About the voices those around me
Have inside them too

Thanks for reading,

With love, Rohana x

DAY 35 – When Family Doesn’t Get It

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I shared about my birth plans yesterday, but before that, I shared a little on my socials about it, in relation to our home ed, life and preparing for baby. One of the things that got picked up was about our placenta plans, which I fully get, because I have absolutely had alllllll the reactions going when people find out I not only keep my placentas, but I consume them!

The thing is, family isn’t always going to get it. Friends won’t either, but it’s a little different.

Our families are meant to be our safe space, the habour for our ship to dock in, as a friend so beautifully put it chatting the other day. They are supposed to be the people we turn to for support and encouragement… but more often than not, that isn’t how it works.

It used to bother me. I felt like I should appease people, and I was big in my fawn response around pretty much everything, but especially parenting as a new mum. I thought I should take all the advice and listen and implement and try and do things the same, so that we’d be more connected… or something like that. Rohana from back then had a lot of shit to sift through.

Now, I love being challenged and standing my ground. It feels shaky as hell, and I will have a felt sense reaction to it sometimes, but the more I’m challenged, the more I get to see why I choose the life I choose, and why I feel this way. I’m not mad or even affected by this particular issue, because though I was called ‘weird’ I actually love being weird. I love knowing that I am making choices in full autonomy and modelling that for my kids too.

So, when family doens’t get it, do we change, or do we hunker down and get clearer on our reasoning? The latter serves our mental health and relationship to ourselves so much more!

Navigating these situations isn’t always fun, and though I quite enjoy it now, I absolutely didn’t years ago… so if you’re reading this and resonating with the fawn and the discomfort, here’s some things that helped me a lot:

  1. 7-11 breathing (a winner in many many life situations)
  2. Nadhi Sudi pranayama (my favourite)
  3. Journaling … either free journaling where i brain dump on paper/in a book OR using prompts.
  4. Voice noting myself – this has been one the most underrated healing techniques I have ever used.
  5. And, watching my kids… anchoring myself in our life, and thinking about the life I am building for them. Watching them and reminding myself, I am the parent, and I am the one who has to live and answer to life choices later on, so what hurts my heart the least? I do that.

Until tomorrow, just 5 days left! It’s zoomed!

With love, Rohana x

Day 34 – MAking Plans

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

So at the start of these 40 days I said I’d share a little about our birth plans; and so this is it .

There isn’t a huge amount to it really, lots of prep work has been internal work, my own healing and working through fears and expectations, and coming to a space of real radical acceptance that what will be, will be. My tattoo reminding me of life’s motto as usual!

I have a loose plan to have another water birth at home, and this time have a cord tie, and plan to have a cord burning ritual after. That said, I have 3 kids already so I’m open to the plan changing and using the tie and cutting it instead. We will be encapsulating part of the placenta, planting part and my oldest has requested placenta cake, so I’m going to see what we can make there! He is very excited and wants to be involved, I think in part because his placenta wasn’t kept, so this will be healing for both of us.

Outside of that, I if the universe allows am really really hoping that I will be able to video/photograph some of my own labour, because last time we hired an incredible birth photographer and this time I have done a birth photography workshop (with the absolute goal of, once I am ready to take on clients) attending and photographing births for families myself. I am beyond excited by this!

We do have a transfer plan, and an emergency plan, something I talk about in my Womb To Arms course because though we want the ideal plan, it’s necessary to think about what could happen too. I’m packing a baby essentials / postpartum bag (which doesn’t have any baby clothes yet!) and I’m basically winging the rest.

Not the fancy in-depth plan most people have, but I’ve really come to a space where I believe that a majority of the prep I can do is internal. I am not using my epi-no which I have for my 2 previous births, I am not colostrum harvesting, I am not trying to find any reason to rush. I am fully trusting this baby and their timing; and having not had contact with midwives since my 22 week scan, I am leaning into my own wisdom and being guided by those who have birthed before me.

I plan to contact the team when we move but I’m not in any rush, baby and I are comfortable and I am confident – and if I get worried or need to see someone, I will; but right now, the plan is for the most normal, boring, magical, seamless birth experience possible. Once we get up to our new home and set things up, then I might have a different approach.

That said… this isn’t to pretend like everything has been sunshine and roses and easy…

I have also had days where I want to know exactly how things will pan out, and the lack of control has had me crashing. The boxes instead of a birth space takes a toll and the braxton hicks are a really new experience to me. Baby and I regularly chat about just hanging in until we get to Scotland, though honestly I hope we go closer to 42 so I have more time to prep food and settle.

Which reminds me, since I’m sharing plans today – I am loosely planning birth but intensely planning postpartum (hence the desire for a few weeks to settle) with food, some herbs, drinks, and a rest period. I am determined to honour the sacred postpartum space more than ever; and once we get there, I will be looking for a small village to lean on. We have some incredible connections and wonderful people already, but until I’m there, it’s all in the air. I haven’t really approached anyone about the postpartum space yet. I won’t be hosting anyone for a few weeks, and I will be leaning on H – while also recognising this is a transition for him too – and protecting my energy as much as possible.

In Ayurvedic medicine, there is a saying “42 days for 42 years” suggesting that the first 42 days post birth will impact more than the next 4 decades of life. I didn’t do any of this with my previous babies… but this time, I know more, and I am absolutely going to do differently.

Thanks for reading; ask questions, comment, find me on IG, lets connect!

With love, Rohana x

Day 33- Big Feelings

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Nearly a full 40 now , where has it gone?! I had the realization that for anyone getting a daily email this might be getting annoying now, but I promise, it’s not forever. I’ve loved showing up like this, but I couldn’t keep it up indefinitely. That said, I’ve had so much inspiration and there is likely to be some more regular (weekly or bi-weekly) stuff to come.

The other night we had big feelings explode over a game and time and attention from me. It got me thinking about RSD, which is Rejective Sensitive Dysphoria, something I see in myself a lot, and have been seeing in my daughter recently with increasing frequency. I am currently assuming it relates to the major life changes unfolding, but it is on my radar as something to document, observe and try to hold space for, because I have a personal relationship with it.

She wanted to play, and colour me in so I was a rainbow, and though it wasn’t my absolute favourite idea, I didn’t mind. I gave her some rules, and she was loving it, decorating my legs, drawing pictures and then showing her grandmother who we were on video chat with. Prior to colouring me in, we’d played her favourite game with no tech involved, so I felt pretty confident that we’d had time together. The playdough was out so there was a few different bits going on, with P (big brother) creating an elaborate game and K asking for bedtime tv to wind down. After a lot of colouring, I told her we were done for now, my legs were rainbows (and sore) and she could join me and P or chill with K for 20 minutes. She didn’t love the idea and tried to introduce 3 seperate games while P waited for me to be the extra hands in the story he was creating. I said no to her, and we began.

She melted! She cried and stomped and screamed and I gave her space, giving P some time (though not enough) and eventually she came down demanding I say sorry because I had been mean. I say demanding because though she’s little, her voice and willpower is big and she was adamant that I was in the wrong.

Looonnnngggg story short, I ended with P a while after, not quite having given him the full extent of game time or attention he wanted or deserved but knowing we’d had time that morning, and I have to balance them. K was getting upset because of A and I was needed.

We did teeth through tears, and snuggled with both of them sobbing into me. I knew they were tired but this was more. K then let out that he missed daddy and granny and grandpa and I realized calling them might have been a trigger. Not that it’ll stop me, but he’s coming to that age now, and needs some attention to release feelings after – actually this scenario with P was one of the catalysts into play therapy and parenting for me. A then also revealed her best friend hadn’t been at school, and it came together.

We hugged, we read a book, and they slept. P came up when he was ready, though I had fallen asleep and only woke to find him snuggled in next to us.

This is normal for us. Truthfully, I think most families have a version of this kind of experience more regularly that we talk about; but for us, this is nearly daily on some level. We have moments of real ventral vagal too, and they flit between, but every day there is a rollercoaster. It’s hard, and a sign that we are raising emotionally healthy kids…

” What? Really? “

YES!

I have many conversations about this, how their extreme emotions often means they are being more emotionally healthy and if you’ve never looked at it that way, I invite you to. It is hard and exhausting for us, absolutely, but actually, by making sure they can express these big feelings, and then also bringing them back into a space of ventral vagal (which is the good, joy, contented stuff), we are showing them how to navigate rather than repress their emotions.

Essentially, though it might be harder now, it’s putting in the work in the toddler years and (hopefully!) reaping it in the teens. It’s playing the long game! Does that make sense ?

Anyway, I’d love to hear what you think about this because I’m feeling very inspired so comment, email me, come find me on IG, lets chat!

With love, thanks for reading,

Rohana x

Day 32 – Thunder ~ a poem

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I wrote this in November 2023… but tonight I’m coming back to it. My brain is filled with many many thoughts… and a lot of them are about Palestine.

I am political, that won’t change. I tried to stop …for years I shut it off… but I can’t. I don’t want to. My children fuel a lot of my feelings, and I don’t always create or consume the way I’d like, but ultimately, I can’t separate parenting and politics, and if you’re reading this, you’re likely a human who feels the same.

I walked in the rain

And the thunder

Reminded me of the bombs

I’ve heard on my phone

I closed my eyes

And asked the universe

For a little more strength

To witness this intense world

I sent up a prayer

And expressed my gratitude to the trees

And the thunder boomed

While I thought of the families

Not under joyful rain

Under dust and rubble again

I’m flitting between hopeless and numb, and rage-filled. Mostly I’m also trying to get through the days… we’ve got a few left here, and a few left of writing. It’s intense and rollercoaster-ish… hard and beautiful.

If you’re feeling the same, solidarity. I see you.

Thanks for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Day 31 – Compliments

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Yesterday I got a compliment and it was lovely… someone said that I was looking beautiful and pregnancy suits me.

She was kind. And I was thankful.

My body went to respond. To reflexively give her a compliment back. Because it felt wrong to receive something and just thank her.

Instead, I held myself… and I felt rude, but also knew, patterns were rewiring.

It’s something that happened for the first time a little while ago, and I noticed then. Yesterday I noticed again.

I read about how we reflexively respond to people, especially our partners, and over the past year its something I’ve spoken with H about quite frequently. It comes up in situations from the food we might want, the arguments we might have and the intimate moments of life… it’s easy to practice noticing with him, because once I explained what I was doing, he just got it. In fact, we’ve had some incredibly connected moments based off of checking in about whether our responses are reflective or genuine.

Further reading and research has led into linking this to a fawn response, and now, I’m thinking about how interesting it is, in relation to today.

The woman who complimented me is beautiful. She’s also one of the kindest people I know, and though we’re not close friends, she is a friendly face, and someone I’m genuinely happy to meet when out. Everything in my body said “compliment back” … and I did, later, on an entirely other subject, where it was genuine and not in a fawn or ‘giving for the sake of it’ kind of way.

Noticing these interactions I know that in waiting to find a genuine reason to compliment her (or anyone), I was able to be more aligned with my own body and my nervous system benefited too.

This pregnancy has been one of immense healing… because ultimately I’m more resourced. Rewiring this reflexive response has been a part of that. Understanding that I don’t need to appease or please anyone because I am not actually in any danger, has been an incredible shift. It is of course still a work in progress… but the patterns are moving, and today was proof of that.

It reminds me too, that starting in a space (with my husband) where I was safe to test out how this felt and how to navigate it, is how I have built my capacity to bring it out into every day life.

In a similar way, our children do that with us. They test their feelings, explore, explode, repair and play through many experiences using us as their safety net. Then, as their capacity builds, they bring it out into the world. P is testing and expanding his capacity to make friends (after some really sad experiences where friendships have disappeared and he has struggled) and A is testing her tolerance at exploring emotions with other people, practicing what rupture and repair might look like with people outside of our home.

It hasn’t clicked until writing this that I witnessed both of these in them at the park yesterday.

Compliments are a fun one to explore, because actually they are jam packed with baggage for many of us. Giving compliments and receiving them bring up so many different experiences in our bodies. I’ll probably have more thoughts later about them, but for now, that’s it.

As ever, thanks for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Day 30 – 3am Thought Spiral

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

Last night I thought I’d missed something, when I checked and realised I’d already written for the day. It felt like a big win, becauee I had been organised. The reality was I seized the moment, and I’m so glad I did.

I’m half doing the same now, it’s very early hours, and I’m listening to babies snore; I got up for a wee and have been tossing around, so thought, “what’s the time?” and landed here.

In many ways I suppose I’m already intimately familiar with the early hours, 3 and 4am particularly. I’m not exactly getting reacquainted since my kids are often up needed cuddles or to change position, go toilet or even have a snack – though this is rarely. However, I know in the coming weeks I’ll be far more likely to see these hours with leaky breasts and nappy changing… and I’ll be experiencing the darkness of not quite morning in whole new ways.

It’s day 30 now, and I’m genuinely considering joining a container where for 7 weeks there’ll be daily prompts, knowing full well I cannot 100% guarantee I’ll even have 2 of those 7… but also knowing that I might have nearly all, and it’s something I’ve been looking at for over a year. If I do, I’ll have the last 10 days of this 40 day practice, alongside packing and new writing prompts… and I keep thinking how exciting it is. Other voices (who I deeply respect, value and have asked opinions of) have concerns that I’m not resting enough. I probably am not, but that’s more based on having 3 kids under 7 and a 10 month old labrador so I am still gallivanting on adventures regularly through the week.

I don’t want to open the door of relying on technology to fill gaps just yet, because I know in the early days of new baby, I will lean on tablets and TV more; something I’m entirely at home with, becauee honouring a restful period of postpartum means I want to spend many of my first days with baby in bed, and that also means cuddles, books, screens and space to hold my older ones.

For the first time preparing for a baby, I feel wholly content; I feel confident, and I am calling in seamless transitions. This past year of practices has changed so much for me, I cannot put into words just how much has shifted.

Last year, in early 2023 the thought of having another baby terrified me to the point of desperation. Now, 18 months later, it feels like doors have opened wide, I’ve cried more and shed many many layers in healthy ways, and I’m new.

An incredible creator I follow called Rebecca Oakiah says pregnancy is the gestation of the mother and it feels so absolutely true. I’ve learning so much from her and various other birthkeepers since K was born. I’m inspired by them all, and more confident in my own work and sharing than I could have imagined I’d be.

Truthfully I didn’t do my Doula training because I wanted to work in birth. I did it because I wanted to be empowered after Ps birth, so that when I had A, I wasn’t left processing trauma and trying to figure out life with a newborn. I knew Hs job would demand a lot, and I was resourcing myself in the way I knew how – learning from people who’d been there before me.

Now I look back and see these life events were catalysing me towards a deeper calling. I was turning to the wise women, and looking further than my village because I knew that in order to learn and heal and hold others, I needed to be held myself. I found wisdom in spaces and I have for the last 5 years inhaled it all…

Before P I thought learning looked a certain way, through the trajectory of school and uni, I planned a masters and career and all the ‘normal’ path kind of things. I thought that’s what I should do, and ought to do.

Even after he was born it was still my plan… though I’d begun to spiral away a little. Meeting other women in a retreat while I held him in my womb, and hearing their wisdoms. That was one the transitionary stages for me. Those women, my beautiful mother included, held a blessing for me, crested a web of well wishes and sat in circle with me.

I long for the day where I can sit in circle with women again. It is healing.

Tracking these experiences back I’m so aware of how blessed I’ve been, and I can see, though P was a surprise baby, his entrance to the world was the most powerful thing. I didn’t understand manifestation or anything back then, but I manifested him … just as, in other ways, I have all my children. I have in each circumstance send out some energy into the universe, not even consciously at the time, calling in these babies, these experiences, these path changes.

Now, at 4am, as I spiral into the memories of it all, I feel like there is an unfolding and awakening.

I am meant to be here, holding this baby. I am meant to be on this path, working with others who want to do the same. I may not be ready to support a birth and capture it (though I am in my heart) becauee my capacity is filled with the abundance and attendance to my own children right now, but I am able to offer support in every ripple I create.

It isn’t about fighting the system, which it felt like with K.

It isn’t about being seen and heard loudly like it felt with A.

It isn’t about being quiet and submissive or apologetic like it felt with P.

It is about standing with my feet on the earth, rooting down and being supported by the land. Land that I stand on where ancestors have moved across, land that I cannot reach, where my ancestors were rooted. It isn’t about anyone else… its me, my body, my baby, my family.

H and I said when I turned 27 that every year I step into my identity as a witch a little more. Witch meaning wise woman. Witch meaning skilled medicine woman. Witch meaning someone connected to the energy around her. The word Witch holds so much energy… it was used for so much harm, but truly, I love the saying that we are the granddaughters of the witches they couldn’t burn. I know it’s more complicated but this sentiment resonates. I am more confident in my radicalness every year… and I have little concern that it turns people away.

It also brings people here.

Anyway, it’s 5am, the kids aren’t going to let me sleep in and we’ve got adventuring planned for the day. So, for now, I’m signing off. This has been the most interesting few hours to write.

If you’ve stuck with me through it all, and foe the past 30 days, I’m honoured. If you’re just joining, welcome.

Thank you for reading,

With love, Rohana x

Day 29 – Technology

| Rohana Aisha Dewfall

I’m writing this on my laptop instead of my phone; which honestly I prefer, but alas, isn’t by choice.

My phone got wet during my adventuring with a friend yesterday – and I cannot complain given that she accidentally submerged an entire camera lens! We both had a lot of fun, and there are some casualties… but fingers crossed, time and allowing them to dry will be absolutely fine.

That said, my kiddos are still in bed, so I’ve quickly pulled up the laptop and been researching how to charge my phone wirelessly via my husbands, before he leaves for work today, and I am both grateful for technology, and so dependent on it at times. I CAN switch off… and have multiple times over the last year and a half, but ultimately, return to tech because it is a way to stay connected. I find myself in containers feeling seen and heard, and it allows me to both learn, be challenged and be affirmed in my beliefs raising my children.

I am in the generation where phones weren’t the norm at first, where I remember dial up internet and MSN, and I remember my best friend at the time making me my very first email account on her computer. We had a dinosaur computer at home, and when we got a flat screen monitor is was weird!

BUT, I am also in the generation of snapchat and tumblr, and where technology boomed and phones became normal to have by the time I was heading to university. So, it many ways, I got a good mix of both. I wouldn’t want to be a teenager now, navigating the world of tech, and it’s definitely something that comes up regularly in our house as a concern because at some point our children will have phones and devices, and be connecting with their friends online.. and the dangers that come with that are BIG. That said, so are the benefits, as long as we are concious about them.

I didn’t really understand this growing up. It’s not that I didn’t need to, but I was weird enough to prefer making beaded crocodiles with fishing line and tiny tiny beads, experimenting with nail art and reading at every chance I got. Outside of finding music to listen to or using my dads and then my own camera, it wasn’t really until my relationship with H that I became more involved with technology. That feels strange to type out actually, super cliche! But, at least for us, here we are, 14 years later, married with our 4th baby on the way; so maybe it was just the right place at the right time… the universe having plans for us that we had no idea about.

My kids are getting up, and the dog is chewing something (I really hope it isn’t a welly-boot!) so I’ll sign off… day 29 feels like an accomplishment, and writing in the morning is such a joy. Most days I think of a million things I want to share but by bedtime, I’m too tired and my brain is fuzzy. Today, with a breathwork session already done, now this and I’ve had a cup of tea… I’m feeling like there is some winning energy around – even without my phone!

I hope you have a beautiful day,

With love, Rohana x