The other day we were on the bus.

A person decided, without asking to stroke Ps hand and try to tickle him. I was stood there, facing the other 2; he was holding the buggy with me. There was no reason, except that his hand was on the banister bit, and she was sat there next to us.

He didn’t like it. (P does not like being touched most if the time, unless he initiates contact.)

He growled and said, “I don’t like tickles”

I turned around, and figured what had happened just as they (ignoring him) did it again. I asked him to move his hand, and said loudly, let’s say “please don’t tickle me” – he did.

The person glared at me, I’m not sure whether it was in anger or embarrassment. P didn’t want to move his hand, he was waiting for our stop to press the bell. The person nearly tickled him again, but I covered his hand with mine. It was a small moment, but had a big impact. At our stop, P, who was already dysregulated because of the long day and wet clothes, came off the bus, and collapsed on the floor.

On another day, he might have been okay and we’d talk about it. That day, it was too much.

I messaged a friend on the way home, telling her about it, and she asked:
Why do we (adults) think we’re entitled to children’s bodies?

I’ve been watching them since it happened, thinking about what she said. From the time they are babies, we make choices for kids, even when we try to give them choices in gentle parenting, there is still so much control. We pick the options and they choose from there… or we just make a plan and expect them to follow. Of course, sometimes it is necessary, but more and more as my kids get older, they push back saying things like “I’m in charge of my body” which is a sentiment I’ve tried to foster over the past few years. Mostly, it brings pride when they use that phrase, and similar sentiments; even and especially when it means I have to check myself and my demands on them. Other times, it makes me realise just how out of whack I have been, like the time where even at the age of 4 my daughter has stood next to me and said “you need to talk nicer mummy” in the middle of a blowout that had started over a sibling fight and led into a spiral of overwhelm from mess, hunger and exhaustion for us all.

These are the moments where I am reminded that not only are my children young whole, full humans, but also that every single other child is too, and that nomatter what the reason, there is never any excuse to exercise my power as an adult over them arbitrarily. I began to dive into the world of children’s rights and consent based relationships when I began my deschooling journey in 2020, but before then, I had never thought about this. Since then however, there have been many unraveling’s, and many moments like this one on the bus, where I’ve wondered why adults think that they can say or do what they want around children, acting as though they are entitled because they are the adult; as though children have no right or power. It makes no (cognitive) sense to me anymore; but then I remember not everyone is on this journey, and many people do still feel like children should be controlled.

When I think about why, I realise there are many reasons; it didn’t just happen overnight. Historically, there has been this idea that children are the property of their parents. Father’s still ‘give away’ daughters at weddings and children were not so long ago sent to work for the family home, for example in India under colonial rule, children were employed in factories and mills – of course this still happens today, with companies employing children as cheap labour, assuming they are entitled to their time and effort, exploiting them. In the west, (most) children are sent to school and expected to live by their parents rule until they are legal adults. The scenario might be different, but ultimately, it’s adults making decisions about children’s bodies, almost always without their consent.

The idea that we as adults are somehow superior to children, when in fact we were once children ourselves is a deliberate mental shift, created by political and social norms that serve those in power. In teaching children that there is a arbitrary hierarchy, we prime them to enter a society where their bodies and boundaries, time and belongings are often entirely ignored. Then, they grow older, and perpetuate the same beliefs and patterns onto the next generation – that’s how we got here: to an elderly person, ignoring my sons obvious discomfort and verbal expression of a boundary, because they probably entirely unconsciously believe that his 7 year old body is less important than theirs. It is a pattern that has been repeated both in their own life and through their ancestors, so, while yes at the time it annoyed me (a fully valid response), I can also see that there was no malice, just unconscious programming.

What does that mean for P? Not a lot and also a conscious leap to break patterns, teaching him, and all my kids that their bodies are there own – and that sometimes I still need to make decisions for them. Working on being a good ancestor rather than a good descendant, undoing my own biases and empowering him with resources to respond in situations where he doesn’t feel heard or respected. It’s hard. I mess up. I keep going. All these little moments make the big picture after all.

What do you think? Come find me on IG and tell me.

With love, Rohana x