I find myself lost for words tonight. There are various things I thought about writing, from foraging with P and special time, to birth days as a celebration, our time weekending with H working away, and the transformations we’ve tracked back over the past 7 years.

Now though, the kids are all around me, I’ve got baby dragon dancing in my belly, K lying on top of me with P and A either side, and I’m fumbling over my thoughts.

It’s been a long weekend… and also really lovely. Now, the kids are starting to fall asleep and these things are running through my mind… I’m in that stage where I’m needed but silent, as they all find themselves settling, my brain begins to spin. Since I haven’t got a topic I’m burning to share, I’ll share this mental dance instead.

Sitting is uncomfortable. Lying down is uncomfortable.  My bump grows and I’m in love with this stage but oh my I can feel it now… especially with Ks weight on my belly.

We got stuck in traffic today because there was a half marathon on, which had me thinking back to the half marathon I ran in 2016 before getting pregnant with P.

Now I’m listening to P making sounds as he plays a story out… stimming in order to sleep, and my brain does a loop-d-loop in stimming and processing feelings and wondering how he is.

He cuddles me and I mentally flip to love languages for our kids, how maybe when I’m touched out its because my love language isn’t physical touch but for some of my kids, it probably is.

Wondering how I’ll love another baby… knowing I absolutely will.

I pause to read a notification from a group I am in on Facebook.. its about sleep set ups. I think about us, co-sleeping and our set up being so different from what I thought would be ‘normal’ by now… and how I’m actively not pushing for them to move out of my bed, because I know that our nervous systems are so deeply connected.

It’s something I teach and share about, our interconnected nervous systems… but I only really touch on it as a postpartum thing. Truly it’s so much further beyond, and I know when the time is right, they themselves will ask for space.

As I hear them starting to snore, I feel my whole body release… I’m tired too, and now I can feel it.

Of course, I need another wee so best get up for that!

I’m 34 weeks (ish) pregnant now. Heavy, and holding space for many feelings that come up. Choosing to reclaim my body and power through this birth and honour this wisdom inside me isn’t just a ‘whim’ made decision. It has taken us long, and it brings up fears, doubts, questions, all of which are valid and necessary for growth. It doesn’t mean I doubt my decision, it means I’m making a choice that is allowing me to expand… and as a result, I’m stretching my capacity.

Capacity is such an important word right now.

So is congruence.

Which leads my brain to alliteration and rhymes, both of which I have worked on with the kids this week. Though P isn’t ready to read (and oh I had some superb conversations about learning today at the park!), he has absolutely picked up an interest in rhyming words… and A trying to copy is doing more alliteration than rhyme, so I’ve tried to navigate learning both, with as few arguments as possible.

Ooh my eyes went fuzzy. It’s definitely time for rest.

Rest.

Rest.

Radical rest.

I have many thoughts on that too. Maybe tomorrow… probably in a few months. For now, thanks for reading.

With love, Rohana x