Yesterday I got a letter about antenatal care which sent me spiralling into a old survival response that was present with Ks pregnancy.

It started earlier than that, but it’s where I know this anxiety lived the most, and it’s a space I’ve worked to move away from for nearly 3 years. This pregnancy has been grounded in trust, in autonomy and in honoring my body; manifested from genuine joy and love, the whole experience has been filled with magick.

So, yesterday surprised me, but it’s also provided me with material to breathe on, and showed me where I have fears and triggers that I can realise in preparation for this baby.

I’m planning my own mother blessing in a few weeks, so perfect timing!

That said, once the initial stress went, and I cancelled the appointments etc, another wave of thoughts came, much deeper, and more directed at the root issue, rather than this specific instance – especially since its not the first letter or text or phonecall in the past few weeks.

Ultimately, I’ve chosen to attend the appointments I wanted to, to get the information I needed, and the rest, I’ve declined. Midwifery, like many other systems is an opt in system, and in the UK we have the right to choose to attend appointments or decline them. For me, this was sorted months ago…. but the phonecalls and letters have kept coming.

Which got me thinking about autonomy and how pregnancy means that much of the time, our autonomy in given away without our consent. Booked into appointments, told what we should and shouldn’t do, and eventually told when to have our baby – with induction rates soaring and so many reporting coercion, this is not a leap!

Taking steps towards autonomy, making informed choices and choosing to do things that aren’t conformative within the system, often gets pushed back a lot.

Much like it does within the education system. Most free thinking, questioning of authority, or moving towards autonomy, is seen as a threat to the system, disruptive or disrespectful.

I’m not against the education system, but I do believe it needs reform.

Similarly, I’m not against the medical system, but I am against unnecessary intervention, the coercion and bullying that it dishes up too. The birth world especially is known for it.

There are so many parallels I see between them, because ultimately its about the student / patient to conform, make things simple or easy for those in power. And often, not because midwives or teachers want it that way (though there are some!), but because the system is so filled with red tape and tick boxes, that it becomes a conveyor belt. There’s an expectation to conform to protocols, and abide by codes… some of which are very necessary, and others which aren’t. The arbitrary ones are the ones I take issue with.

Standardisation in both systems pushes individual care and support further away, and so, children learn to blend in, figure things out and become ‘good’ in order to get rewards. This then feeds into their adult life… making it easier for systems like the medical one, as well as workspaces etc to expect the same levels of obedience.

It’s incredibly frustrating once you start to see the cracks.

Anyway, for now, I’m moving my thoughts onto paper… going to journal and set intentions for more ease, grace and seamless transitions. I’m grateful to be able to hold myself like this, and proud of how far I’ve come.

With love,

Rohana