Today has been a beautiful, hard, rollercoaster day that reminded me of just how far I’ve come in the past few years and exactly why I continue to do the work on myself, so I don’t end up back there again.

It’s been a day of cuddles, and after many many reminders and requests to NOT squash my growing belly so much, as well as to not pull, push or pinch me (all of which were of course calls to attention), I eventually got fed up. I had a tangible moment of despair where I could recognise in my body the feeling of being touched out, overwhelmed and anxious all rolled into 1.

Not my idea of fun.

Also, very much a feeling that lived in my body with nearly permanent residence in 2021 when I was growing K.

Ironically, this morning I listened to part of my book and wrote down “birth is a shedding of ourselves… losing parts of who we were, ready for who we will become.” My tangible moment of overwhelm was a shedding… and recognising that means I can move towards releasing it in preparation for the weeks and months ahead.

I’m a Scorpio and my Hogwarts house is Slytherin. As a child, I really wanted a pet snake.

The shedding of old self resonates deeply with me.

As I shed layers, I awaken new aspects of myself… and in this way, am evolving new spaces for the new aspects of me that will come. I have done a lot of that in the past 15 months.

Another thing I’ve done a lot of, and am preparing for even more of is research, cuddles and skin to skin. Its such a commonly spoken about thing now for new babies… prompted as an oxytocin boost, health benefits and a sense of comfort that isn’t available for baby alone.

Today, while K cuddled up to me, he asked for most of the time together with my shirt off  and his off too. So that he could just lay on me and cuddle. Of course this contributed to the squashed belly overwhelm but truthfully it was more the older 2, who still LOVE their cuddles (and I love giving them) who added onto the pile squashing me.

Then, I said “what’s going to happen when baby comes?” They made a plan to take turns, share spaces and also cuddle baby… I’m sure it will be a bit more chaotic than that!

I love listening to their plan thought. It’s like a glimpse into their world and brains, and its fascinating to hear how they rationalise with each other. P and A especially, in a good mood they will do a lot of storytelling and planning.

Skin to skin isn’t just for babies though, I’ve realised more and more as the kids grow up, they still crave that contact and closeness. At night they’ll still tug at my shirt or move to find a different angle, and they always sleep better when they’ve had some kind of close contact. A used to ask to put her feet in my trousers and hands in my shirt to touch my back. It wasn’t always super comfortable but it definitely helped her, and a few minutes of it made the world of difference in calming her down. P, who breastfed until past 3 still tugs at my shirt subconsciously when we cuddle or he chats to me at close quarters.

Skin to skin benefits them.. and it benefits us. I think a bit like extended breastfeeding (which is just normal biological breastfeeding!) it’s got a stigma as they get older… but truthfully it’s no biggie. They get body curious, and ask questions, get comfy and then build security, and like anything, it tapers off.

I think we ask kids to grow up far too young, taking away these comforts, but that is for another day of writing.

For now,

With love, Rohana x