I thought about lots of moments to stop and write today, but once again find myself sat after the kids are asleep… the day goes so quickly, even when we don’t do much at all.

I had no idea what to write, and then, just before he fell asleep, I cuddled P and told him I love him, from the baby who was so small, to now a nearly 7 year old! Time flies.

He said “yes mummy, and I can’t wait for this baby to come out and be like a loaf of bread too” before holding my hand, chatting a bit more and snoring. I love these moments, they remind me that I’m doing alright, even when sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

I had a similar moment with A before she slept. All day she’s been sitting on me and I have to ask her to please not squash my belly, because honestly, though she doesn’t mean it, it’s uncomfortable to be pushed by her little body when there’s no room. She kicked me forgetting about baby, and then realised, so asked if she could talk to my belly. She cuddled and sand, and felt baby move, and every time this happens she gets excited because it’s like they are talking back. Then she fell asleep too… and I thought about how, each one of them touching me somehow, I love them all so much… but where the heck is our smallest addition going to fit?!

I worried with A that I wouldn’t love another human as much as P; because he was my first and I couldn’t imagine it. I worried with K that I wouldn’t have enough arms, and I was right, but we are making it work. Now, I’m pretty sure well just figure things out during the day, but I really don’t know how I’m going to work out the nights. When I spiral, I remind myself that this year I have done 80% of it alone… so if I can figure out 3 alone, we’ll manage the transition to 4 with H around too.

After P said about the loaf of bread, which is something I adopted from my mum telling me how small I was as a baby, he also said we should measure them; so in my head I have a mini photoshoot planned with baby and a loaf of bread! I hope when the time comes I remember to do it; because how absolutely cool it’ll be to get the older kids involved, and do a quick shoot with them. I’ve also got their special shirts I made, but I haven’t got a clue when we’ll manage to do some photos for that yet.

The size of a loaf of bread. I cannot imagine how, from being that small, they have each grown so very much… those days that felt endless, those hours of overwhelm and exhaustion, the exasperation and monotony – it is all a fog. I haven’t forgotten exactly, but it isn’t clear either. It’s a distant memory; one I know I will be reliving (in part) in the next few months, except this time, with a lot more attention to healing and intentionality that before. Preparing for postpartum, preparing for birth, preparing to honour myself and my own transition – not entirely without a village, but also knowing that ultimately, that the village isn’t that rose tinted version I want/would hope for… knowing that the more prepared I am, the easier things will be, and the more I’ll honour my need for rest.

I’m preparing to meet our next loaf of bread baby… making choices that I dreamed about a few years ago; and feeling so much more ready, accepting and excited than ever before.

I’ll share more tomorrow… I’m working on birth plans B and C right now,

With love, xx Rohana