Day 9, I’ve found myself avoiding this for an hour; and I absolutely find myself in a sense of freeze over a areas that are coming up in life. I have been so focused on getting to the next thing, and now, I’ve got a few weeks of limbo, where I can do what I ‘want’ and I am stuck…

The good thing is, though yes I feel stuck in my own personal goals, my chosen response is to throw myself even more deeply into finding spaces of joy with my kids. Previously, I’ve ended up in this pattern and got really frustrated at them, at myself, and at life, and often everyone ends up having a rubbish time. I saw this starting yesterday and for the first time, I’ve really managed to tune in and choose differently. So today has been filled with joy, play, time with friends at the park and cuddles to connect before bed. Tomorrow I have intentions for special time with the boys, and I’ll create a window for A after preschool. I am choosing to connect, because I asked a lot of them this weekend driving for my workshop; and I continue to ask a lot of them as we get ready for our house move.

This doesn’t mean they are doing anything specific or extra, but it does mean that they know moving is happening, they know a sibling will arrive soon after our move, and they know that lots is going to change soon. Except, soon actually feels ages away, because to their brains, time doesn’t really exist yet. So lots is happening, and I’m finding pockets of joy and bliss, helped by the sunshine, as well as moments to affirm that they are loved, safe and wanted. This means when we do have ruptures, I can focus on repair and not wallow in guilt or worry, knowing that actually, we are getting really good at understanding each other, and how we need to work through stuff.

Today I had a chat about the way I’ve taught the kids energy fields; and how the energy we send out, returns to us. A friend and I spoke about how so much of what we teach our kids, especially around conflict resolution, bodily autonomy and for me, leaning in to somatic practices and intuition, is stuff that we didn’t have language for as kids. I know from my own experiences that though I grew up practicing yoga and having an understanding of grounding in my body; it hasn’t been until my 20s with my own kids that I have truly understood what that meant.

This generation though, I hadn’t realised has been nicknamed generation alpha; as the first generation of kids born to the conscious parenting movement, where more and more they are allowed to feel their feelings and figure things out. I actually shut A down the other day, and realised a while afterwards that I’d taken the chance to find her own way through the feelings away. It hasn’t come up again, but when it does, it’ll be something I address with her. I can imagine it was so frustrating for her to hear me say I couldn’t cope with the noise of her crying… which, in the moment was true for me, but nonetheless, a bitter bitter pill for her who needed comfort.

We can’t always get it right though, and I know in the longer run, that moment won’t be the only one I have to hold space for her, so next time will be different.

We do the best we can with the resources we have.

I had more thoughts but that feels like a good space to end for tonight. Until tomorrow, thanks for reading!

With love,

Rohana x