“Wow, I don’t know how you do it!”

“You’re a superhuman!”

“You’re always so busy!”

Sound familiar? If so, I’m going to bet you are a parent; more specifically, a mother, probably of relatively young children. Yeah, me too.

The truth is, it’s easier to congratulate us than to help. Not in a selfish way, most people are all dealing with their own version of villageless life, complete with the stressors of work, family, friends and trying to keep up with everything in between. We are all just figuring it out in our own way. Which leaves parents, and often-time it’s mothers here, trying to juggle all the balls without dropping them, and when we do, the mum guilt hits hard!

In reality, we know that we can’t do it all, but we are so conditioned by society to try, and to push ourselves, that we take on the housework, childcare, cooking, family administration, educational responsibilities, and either paid employment or some kind of side hustle – because society doesn’t view our worth in love and care, but in ‘stuff’ and we buy into it. Until we can’t anymore.

This past year, I’ve learned again and again that every time I try and take on something extra, even things I used to do, my mental and physical health has taken a real hit. Though society tells us that we are superhumans, we are not. We are just trying not to let anyone down… and as a result, we let our own needs fall to the wayside.

I had a moment like this at the start of 2022… I started therapy, I took some time, and did all the ‘self care’ things to tick those boxes. It was great, for about 3 weeks, and then I began to feel old habits creep… until I learned about this: the mothering triad.

I made a quick graphic below.

As a stay home mum, my 3 daily pulls are housework, cooking, and time with my children (plus some home ed thrown in there with Theo!). Learning about this triad, and choosing 2 priorities makes the hardest days manageable.

• If I spend hours cooking, prepping and cleaning the house, I’m 100% guaranteed to have not spent time with the kids, and usually they’ll be grumpy or fighting as a result of it. But sometimes, shits gotta get done!
• Equally, if I spend loads of time playing with them, and we attempt to bake or they help with dinner, the house is absolutely going to be a mess. But the kids will be happy (hopefully!) and I’ll probably have filled my own cup with some baking.
• Same goes for cleaning and time with the kids. Theo LOVES – yes I mean loves! – to clean the toilet with me. So some days, they get a cleaning cloth and a spray bottle of water, or a sponge and the plastic dishes, and we clean, and play and clean some more. But as a result, I’ll likely chuck something easy from the freezer into the oven (or get a treat take-away), and they’ll be happy with that… so why shouldn’t I?

There is often so much guilt about these standards we set for ourselves and then don’t meet, but for me, this has been liberating. I have it scribbled into my diary, and I’ll remind myself that I can only meet family needs so long I’m not burnt out, so on a good day, I’ll pick 2… on a bad day, I’ll stick to the 1, and try again tomorrow.

It’s not perfect. I’m not perfect, but something is better than nothing, and this helps me take the pressure off.

I’m not superhuman… and I absolutely don’t do it all. I try and fail, and that’s just part of mothering. I am however busy, but not because I have to be anymore; because we choose to be busy some days, and live slowly on others; and right now, that’s enough.

Have you heard of a mothering triad? What do you think?