We’re over halfway through July so in many ways, it feels a little silly to be writing out a July scope here.

I thought by now we’d have had our baby arrive earthside and we would be in the beautiful chaos of hormones and sleepy newborn days.

Alas, I’m over 40 weeks pregnant, with Theo’s 4th birthday less than a week away and Ila-Rae closer to 2 than 1 now; I feel as though somehow I’ve blinked and here we are.

I remember announcing my pregnancy at 15 weeks, I was scared, anxious and tentatively joyful. Now I’m joyful, anxious and absolutely terrified.

I had no plans this month.
My parents visited the first week of July and I had hoped that baby would come that week or soon after. Making plans (or lack of them) really was a sure way for the universe to remind me that I cannot control things – least of all when baby will arrive. So the past few weeks have been a real lesson in detachment and letting go of my control.

It’s been exhausting
But I’ve begun to see the days as an extra blessing.
Another chance to fill my children’s cups.
Another chance be their mum as they know her, before I am reborn into a new mother.

I am excited, but no longer impatient – though given the heat, I’m sure I’ll be there soon. There are moments of utter desperation; where I cannot wait for baby to come because I feel heavy and hot, and other moments where I pause and feel them wriggle, and I wonder why on earth I’d wish it away. This really is such a blessing.

Our July has looked extremely unstructured, even for me! We have had days out to the aquarium; once with my parents and once alone. We have done lots of woodland walking and a lot of garden water play. I have struggled a lot with screen time limits, but it’s brought up conversations with H about how actually our family benefits from days with 0 screens and then other days with a large section of the day where the kids can watch what they want. When we try to limit it to small (half hour or 1 hour) sessions daily, we end up with a very cranky Theo, and very little actual time to ourselves.

This has been a big leap for me, especially wanting to limit screen time; but realizing that despite research and recommendations, like with everything, we need to work with the lifestyle that fits our family best, regardless of ideals.

My parents visit was a breath of fresh air here, and though the kids struggled with all the excitement and overwhelm, it was a wonderful break and treat for them after so many months apart. My mum cooked SO much food, and I’ve got treats and meals in the freezer ready for when baby arrives. It was a few days of almost feeling a little useless and bored, because the kids love spending time with them so much, and I was at a loss of what to do.

Now for the last part of this month we’re looking towards Theo’s birthday (and baby arriving at some point). He wants a construction themed cake, to go with his early birthday present of a remote control crane from Facebook marketplace, and a fire truck from my parents. We will wrap a few bits for him, but we are not actually doing anything aside from making the cake … which he says he will eat with the help of his digger toys. I anticipate a cake smash kind of thing so will be putting some blankets on the floor/a messy play sheet and let him go wild on the tuff tray. At the end of the day, I am grateful that this is the main thing for him, he’s happy doing something simple and spending the day with us – and for a 4th birthday, that sounds perfect.

Of course the other side of his birthday approaching is all the feelings that come with me seeing my firstborn turn 4. I cannot believe it fully, and having revisited his birth story, healing some of the wounds and watching him as the incredible human he is, I am in awe of what we do as mothers. I am so incredibly grateful for this life and time with my babies; and am sad to see how much time I’ve wished away in the hard moments, but forgiving myself because we really do just do the best we can.

Aside from that, the rest of our July will likely be filled with ice cream and water play. Beach evenings I think will feature until baby comes, and then perhaps H will take the older 2 for a few hours some days after s/he is born. Sea swimming is cathartic, and I have missed the ocean these past years more than I realised; but swimming alone, and paddling with the kids as they built their confidence has been the highlight of this month.

So despite writing being well overdue, I guess in some ways, this is perfect timing. A chance for me to reflect with gratitude and acceptance; and a chance to write a little before birth.

Whatever happens, I know things will unfold as they should.

I am tired, excited, scared, curious and filled with love… and all of them are allowed to exist within me simultaneously.

Xox

R