Autonomy is super important to us. Making sure that my children know that they can express themselves in whatever way they choose is something I strive for as a parent.

Allowing them to make their own choices; whether that’s if they’re eating dinner, wearing wellies or joining in when I go out into the garden for some air – they have choices. At the end of the day, relationship based parenting is more than just consent for me, it’s about allowing my children to know that they can ALWAYS be themselves, even when I have a different opinion.

But today, Theo decided to wear the extra large (aged 11) shirt he bought the other day, and it was a nursery day, so I found myself nervous. It’s long on him obviously. His 3 year old slight frame makes it a dress that easily passes his knees. To top it off, he didn’t want to wear his dinosaur wellies, but rather his shark sandals… and so I began to worry even more about the reaction and comments he may receive.

We talk a lot about how people are all different, and express themselves differently. I have only ever really interfered with his clothes when it’s been extremely cold, or pouring with rain … and even then, I often hold myself back, taking provisions for when/IF he changes his mind.

So why was today different?

Why do I have little problem (in fact I prefer it) for my daughter to wear her brothers clothes, and yet, when he feels so wonderfully confident in a dress, I worry ?

He asked how he looked. I told him he looked “super cool” and that I loved the red colour because I know it’s his favourite. He was ecstatic, and actually that’s all that matters. His joy, his confidence, his incredible ease; they are what I want for him, and what I want to preserve.

So after nursery, I won’t ask about it. I’ll wait for him, if he wants to talk about it, even though my mothering self is worrying. I’ll wonder; because I saw the other parents eyes; my long haired, beautiful boy in a dress – and I saw the other boys playing ball look at him, and I hope he has the joy and confidence to tell them that he’s just as cool as they are in their khaki shorts and England football shirts, but I won’t ask.

Interesting, as I write and share this, I feel more confident. I realise that this is part of my deschooling. My own healing from stereotypes, my own inner work to allow myself to get to a stage where this wouldn’t be a worry.

My worry is for his innocence; for his feelings, and for his ability to respond in a way that doesn’t make him feel sad. I hope that our conversations and attitude from home will allow that, and if they don’t, we will figure something more significant out together. A good response, a security to walk away, a confidence that he knows every single person is important and can wear what they want. All things we do and will continue to talk about nomatter…

Tonight I will be opening my journal, writing, digging, and working on my own biases – because, as I said to a friend this morning; I never imagined I’d worry, and so maybe I need to spend some more time deschooling; unpicking, and healing from biases I’ve held onto through the years.

Have you had experiences like this? How did you feel? How did the day go?

I hope that by the time my children are in this situation, there will be much less concern… parenting really is intergenerational work.