I don’t truly believe that we can prepare for a new baby. I’ve had 2, and each experience has been incredibly different… and though I tried to prepare, there were elements of pregnancy, birth and parenthood that can only be learned through living.

I used to wonder why nobody had told me about the little things that surprised me, but as I’ve grown in motherhood, I realise that nobody could.

It is undeniable that we NEED to talk more, about the hard days, and normalise the fact that sometimes we don’t like our babies; though we love them – and often even then, it isn’t instant. We also NEED to talk about the little joys, the beauty and the wonder, because sharing those joys raises our spirits as a community. Reminding and rejoicing in our wins as parents, and as people, means that we wire our brains to focus on the good, the joyful and the beauty we have. It’s almost always there.

Preparing this time, knowing and feeling this in the way I do; I am taking things much slower. There are no hanging hopes or pretense of constant sibling love, many less worries about the fact that sometimes we will all want a break, and that sometimes that won’t be possible. I am preparing myself mentally for a lot of time in bed, lots of telly and a lot of good food. Previous postpartum periods I rushed, I wanted to ‘do’ and ‘help’ and get back to productivity – ignoring my own inner wisdom, and my mothers! This time, I am prepared to do the exact opposite, and in doing so, I hope that I will allow my children to adjust to their new roles as siblings as well.

The immensity of adding a new person, with needs and wants and expressions of their own, into our life is immeasurable. The baby will be newborn earthside, adjusting to life outside my womb; I will be a newborn mother, adjusting to physically being 1 again, but being needed for everything by this little human. As a father, H will once again have to learn to balance parenting, work and being a person with his own hobbies and ideas too; and of course as children, P and A will have a whole new dynamic to figure out as siblings. The change is immense.

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P, almost 4 now, understands a lot more about the fact baby is coming soon. at 35 weeks now, he can see and feel the changes that are happening, and we are regularly talking about birth and our plans. We have spoken about contractions as waves, and how when the waves come Mummy will find some harder than others but that the waves are a good thing, because they mean my body is getting ready for baby. We’ve spoken about the pool, and have ordered a spare liner to test run it with them. I have talked to P about the placenta and the cord, and about how sometimes babies come fast and other times we need to work quite hard and might need to walk around or move my body until baby is ready. There are snippets of conversation that he holds on to, and some things I know will depend on how labour goes; but rather than leave these things a surprise, I hope that by talking openly, we are creating a space where he will feel safe to ask questions and reflect.

A is 18 months now, and though I often feel she acts older, I can see that she isn’t sure about this change, and she isn’t ready for what is to come. But that’s okay, I know we will spend the first weeks and months figuring things out, and whatever happens, both my children have every right to dislike the change in dynamic – as much as I will too probably.

I listened once to a story of sibling adjustment to a new baby; and how if we consider it as an adult, it really is quite a lot being asked of us.

Imagine that your partner brings home another partner and tells you that you will get on brilliantly in time, and that they love you both equally, but that they must divide attention between you both now.

Imagine the rivalry or jealousy you might feel, and resentment because you were here first, and you feel like this new partner takes too much time away. It would be hard. Very hard. And I’d venture to say most adults wouldn’t stand for it… yet we expect our children to without question. It’s really a huge double standard isn’t it?

I don’t remember where I read/listened to this, but if anyone knows, please tell me so I can credit the story.

When I began to think about new siblings like this, my view on it all changed. Yes, I still get annoyed and tell my kids off when they fight – especially as recently it involves lots of crushing each other and Ila is little – but overall, it has allowed me to really think about how actually, they don’t have to like each other all the time. They are being asked the impossible, and deserve the grace of time to figure out their own relationships with each other. They’ll learn through love and joy and failure and triumph, they’ll learn to dote on each other, and to fight, and they’ll learn that some hurts hurt more than others. I don’t think that as parents we can prepare them for that, in fact, I think if we try, they’ll only resent us for it.

So honestly, I don’t think we are actually preparing much in a physical sense. I haven’t got a ‘from baby’ present this time, nor have we got any new baby things. There is no cot or sleeping space set up, because we know and trust that we will be together, and that really there isn’t much ‘stuff’ needed. Instead our preparation is almost entirely mental; with conversations and practices of letting go… I think that instead of having huge expectations, I’m setting the bar low, being kind and prioritising rest. And if I begin to stray from that, I hope that I get a good reminder to SLOW down. There is literally no reason to rush… and every reason to take it easy; for me, for Harrison and for our children.