Touched out is a term I came across with my first child; it was a saying that seemed so relevant, and alleviated a fair amount of guilt I had been feeling surrounding my want for space.

I loved my son, but I was solo parenting and exhausted, and so understanding that I wasn’t alone in this feeling brought some comfort. But it did little to solve the actual feeling; knowing other mums also wanted a break gave me a sense of solidarity, and yet, I was still exhausted – and so were they. So why did we not do anything about it? It ignited a rage in me, one that would rear up in moments of burn out, and would simmer down when I caught that break.

Life, for so many women it seems, is a series of events where we burn ourselves out, and then get angry, chase that sense of relief and ‘self-care’ (a term I am really beginning to dislike), and then do it all over again. For mothers, this seems to be even more pronounced, with the average mum getting an average of 17 minutes alone time per day – it’s no wonder we’re touched out!

Last weekend that rage and exhaustion has reared its head again for me. But rather than leave it at that, I’m digging deeper – something I haven’t done before. I journaled a little in the midst of tears, both from my children and myself, and though an unconventional way to process feelings, I think by doing so, in the midst of them, getting to the root of emotion is easier.

Often I feel there is a hype surrounding journaling, one myself I have felt, but for mums, when we rarely get the chance to sit alone and just write, I think leaving it until the ‘right’ moment often means the depth of emotion fades, and we begin the cycle once again of telling ourselves all is well – until it’s not.

My writing brought up a lot;

• Resent for my partner – for his ability to switch off in a way I often cannot.
• Resent for my children – for the constant needs
• Resent for society – for the guilt I feel surrounding this exhaustion
• Resent for myself – for letting the cycle continue.

Resent for myself is the ugly one.

It’s easy to lay blame, say it is because our children need us so much, or because our partners didn’t unload the washing machine, or spent too much time on their hobby when the kids were in bed. It’s also easier blame society because we are conditioned into a view of womanhood, and specifically motherhood that often creates a martyr mother as ‘good’ and a mother who prioritises her needs as ‘selfish’. Yet, when we peel back all those layers, there’s more depth than that.

When we allow ourselves to see that actually there isn’t just 1 reason that we’re feeling this exhaustion, we start to see that the bigger picture we focus on for our family NEEDS to include a space for us. Whether it’s a shower every morning with music playing so you can’t hear the kids, or leaving the dishes for morning so you can catch that 10 minutes reading time, or saying no to your child because your needs matter too; it’s the little moments that build up into a big picture.

It isn’t rocket science (though sometimes it feels like that’d be preferable!). There is a lot of ‘self care’ culture constantly floating around – on social media, Youtube, podcasts and of course magazines etc… but the problem is that it often leaves us feeling more burnt out – because we must be doing it wrong if we can’t even manage self care right? WRONG.

The industry of self care is increasingly toxic, so honestly, if you can, avoid it! Entirely. Focus instead on little changes. Self care doesn’t have to be long baths, manicures or spa days – though it can be. It can look like getting enough sleep, eating healthy food and skipping the night time tea (or switching to decaf), it might be reading alongside your kids or making a meal plan so there is less mental load. Essentially, it’s about moving from feeling touched out to feeling tuned in.

This week, I’m lowering the bar and checking in. I’m continuing to practice taking 3 deep, full breaths and returning to presence (something I’m working on via an ongoing course I’m taking with Jodi), and I am focusing on 5 things to moved away from exhaustion and the anxiety I was feeling over the weekend. They are:

• Starting bedtime 15/20 minutes earlier for the kids – this may mean they still sleep at the same time, but it allows me to feel like we have time to take things slow, read another book, or roughhouse on the way to brush teeth
• Eat ice cream before bed – it sounds silly but it makes me happy AND reduces my nighttime heartburn (pregnancy heartburn is awful!) so it’s a small thing I can action easily
• Write – even if its not in a notebook/journal, I can voicenote thoughts on my phone or type into notes and then process them later. I feel like this is more accessible than setting the goal to write every day in my journal because sometimes the moments gone, or I’m just too tired!
• Prep for the morning – when we start the day off with something ready for the kids to get stuck into OR at least the playroom tidy enough to be appealing, the general mood is much sweeter than if we start it with duplo under my feet or magnet tiles on the stairs! So 10 minutes of a quick proper tidy before bed helps a lot!
• Eat real food – even though my body only really wants snacks and small nibbles at the moment, I am weighing up the need to fuel my body in order to function properly … and if I am strict and actually eat properly then I am a calmer and happier human, and of course baby3 isn’t taking all the resources and leaving me on empty.

5 things… none of them require much more than a few minutes… starting bedtime early is probably the hardest one, but 2 days in and I can feel the difference already. With Harrison out the house for most of the week (Monday-Thursday), it’s feeling extra important to take these small steps as I navigate my way out of the trough of this cycle.

Hopefully, the cycle starts to fade – it takes a lot of work to break them, but I know I’m doing it not only for myself, but my children, grandchildren and their children after that too …

xox

Rohana