Authors Note:  A little note up here to say that in my effort to cleanse this site and (hopefully) write again, I am trashing and posting things I have drafted on here.  I don’t believe in hiding the hardship – even, and especially when it is ugly. This post below was written on an ugly night – but it happened and we survived. May it serve as a reminder than even when the world feels like it may crumble; time can heal as long as we keep showing up to let it. 

 

August 19th 2019 

Being okay is such bullshit sometimes. Wanting the life I have and actually enjoying it are very different things, and loving my kid but resenting the hard moments is real as fuck. But we don’t talk things like this because its not acceptable. Mum’s are meant to be over the moon in love with their kids all the time right? Especially if we choose to stay at home.

No. Staying at home is yes, a choice, but also a necessity for us. I am always going to love my kid, I am always going to show up for my family, but it is such utter crap that I am meant to smile and be okay while I do it. Sometimes I want to cry, other times I want to scream, tonight I wanted to hop on a train to anywhere and disappear for a few hours… But I don’t do any of those things. None of us do. Instead, we breathe deep, go for a walk if needed or grab a glass (/bottle) of wine, and bury all the feelings. It’s eaiser to be numb. Because if we felt the overwhelming love and hurt and exhaustion then I think we might crack. I certainly would. I glimpsed those feelings tonight and instead of facing them, I called some family to catch up, to pretend, because its a hell of a lot easier than confronting the emotions. I don’t have time to unpack my own shit… not when I know my toddler will need me in an hour!

“It takes 10 times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart.”

Easier to shove our feelings away right ?

Except that’s wrong too. No winning here. If we feel and show up a mess we’re failing, if we don’t show up at all because the feelings got us, then we’ve failed, if we’re okay then we must be hiding something, and if we’re hiding something then we’re doing it wrong again.

I am tired of it all. And I am ranting but it feels good. I love my life, but I also don’t love it all the time. I love my son but I also wish I’d get some breathing room. I want to be a great mum, but I also want to be a person who isn’t mum all the time. All these things are allowed… And it’s bullshit to believe differently.

Goodnight.