Back in Gibraltar now and the days have been super busy, which is why this blog post is a week late. Sorry! Alas, time in the sun and catching up with family and friends has taken priority over sitting at my laptop and writing… at least temporarily. Plus I’ve been studying.

I had a few things I wanted to write about, and thinking about them alongside plotting my plans and priorities for this summer; I realised that I have lots of ideas and an image of myself in my head that I have swayed from. And so, I have decided that I am revamping my blog! It’s a little like getting a new style haircut or deciding that even though you like the style, it’s a little unruly and so reshaping is required.

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Over 2 years ago my mum introduced me to Elephant Journal on Facebook and through their newsletters, often emailing me interesting articles on yoga and diet. In August 2016, encouraged by mum, I decided that though I wasn’t writing anything other than my personal diary, I would sign up to EJs social media and journalism apprenticeship. I started early September, before going back to university and I loved it! It was very time-consuming and the balancing act that I had to play between my apprenticeship, and everything else I was doing did prove difficult, but it taught me a lot. During that first term, I started a Yoga Society at my university and taught Hatha twice a week, I joined the Southampton University Royal Navy Unit (SURNU), was treasurer of the photography society and on top it all, I fell pregnant and planned my wedding. It was a very busy term!

Through my apprenticeship we were encouraged to write, to journal, to submit articles if we wanted and generally to explore the world of creativity and ethical journalism. We had to submit a final thesis in order to qualify our skills, and I did so, writing an open letter to my baby. I completed the apprenticeship at the end of December 2016, and for a few months focused on my pregnancy, uni, yoga, and SURNU; my husband moved away with work so we couldn’t really focus on our marriage at the time.

In March 2017, I don’t really remember what inspired me to do so, but I opened a Blogger account and began writing whenever I felt inclined to do so, almost always about my pregnancy. Earlier this year, I switched all those old posts over to this blog, and started using WordPress instead, still writing when I could, about my baby and about my life.

The intention in the beginning was that my blog was a safe place to share, a place where I could be anonymous and express myself. It was almost meant to be an online diary, but I’ve found a physical copy works much better for me. The blog didn’t stay like that for long; I realised that actually it was a good way to reach out and tell my story.

I am under no illusions here, I don’t think I’m special and I definitely didn’t think anyone would care what I wrote, but I figured that if anyone was interested, they could keep up – mostly I thought this would be family.

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Hand in hand with my blog, comes my Instagram account. At first, I used my Instagram account on a regular basis, posting about my yoga sessions and some bits of my pregnancy… but before I gave birth, I decided that I wanted to change my Instagram account and so created a new one, giving a short background to my relationship and pregnancy, and then spamming baby photos when Theo Prana arrived! Unfortunately, I couldn’t transfer all my old account posts and so they have been discarded. Instagram became a little bit like a blog for me, it was more accessible and a lot easier to use because writing a few paragraphs or a sentence made posting regularly easy. That said, I wrote in detail about my birth story and postpartum experience on my blog, I wanted to write everything down before I forgot it all and while a little bit of a challenge, writing was easier initially because Theo Prana would sleep or be settled (I miss those days!) and my parents would take him while we were in Gibraltar.

Once back at uni, things became more difficult and I de-prioritised writing. I stopped writing the letters to Theo as I had when I was pregnant, I stopped writing my diary… I focused on getting from one day to the next. Instagram became my chosen outlet, and it allowed me to share, express and learn from my phone, which meant I never had to allocate a block of time, but rather could use it as and when time was available. My intentions for the blog, as I said before, were initially to remain anonymous, but that quickly dissolved. If I wrote, whenever I did, I would share my writings on social media, and I’d look forward to nuggets of feedback.

My biggest rule for writing was not anonymity, but rather, regardless of whether it was on social media, on my blog, or in my personal life: there’s no room for bullshit. I don’t fake happy and I don’t hide difficulty. I try to always be real and honest, even if it isn’t pretty.

However.

I want to be real, I tell the truth, but I do not like the idea of using social media to complain. I do not like the idea that rather than looking for lessons, the perception of my blog and writing is that it is used to vent.

I don’t apologise for this, because if I’ve done it, I’ve obviously needed to, but the intention of my writings was not as a space to vent… at least not often. I look back to the last few months of writing, both published and unpublished and I have used this space as a safe space to come to and just let go. Rather than a diary, I have typed furiously, I have typed sadly, I have typed excitedly and I have typed lovingly… and I have had a lot of support as well as criticism for it.

Over a year after beginning to write, after a year of incredible joys and intense hardship, I can trace back my growth and understand why I have had the experiences I have, and I am grateful that I wrote about them. My intentions were never to write about flowery experiences, about happiness without hardship or make light of reality. It’s not who I am and while I understand there is a line between public and private, I know I do not cross it. I started to write to share my pregnancy and motherhood, I have never hidden the surprise Theo Prana was, but neither have I wished for a different life. I have wondered what my life would be, had things been different, but wholeheartedly, I know that where we are, where I am, is exactly right.

Going forward, I want to take my blog back those original intentions, though they have pervaded all my writings in some way. I want to take the idea of sharing motherhood, (and things that aren’t related to motherhood too), and use it to tell our story, and hopefully learn from others, hear from others and if we’re lucky, inspire others.

I never thought I would have many people read my blog, and I don’t have a worldwide reach, but I do have a little one, and the feedback I have got from absolute strangers is such a beautiful thing. Reaching out to people when they have moved you is amazing and I encourage everyone to do it; I try to whenever I can, and when you get a message of support/encouragement, it makes a difference. I write for me, but if I can help someone else, if I can show them that being in the trenches isn’t permanent, then I’m going to do it.

Anyway,

I’ll sign off now, from my rant/explanation.

I’ve restyled the blog a little so let me know if you like it or if the old style was better!

Love you all

xoxo

R