It’s been a long week! My Friday night blogging session has become something to look forward to, though I had nothing planned to write today. I feel that this is going to become a source of catharsis, almost in the same way that Rachel Braathen’s “From the Heart” podcasts are for her; very likely inspired by them too to be honest. I am still months and months behind in listening, but somehow, they seem to fit exactly where I need them in my life right now.

I am sat with Theo Prana on my lap. He was beside me but woke up and has ended up here, and as I type I am wondering if he’ll wake up. This week, as much as I love my son, I have been desperately craving a break; from nights, and from clinging, a break to just practice yoga, read my book and breath. I don’t need days or weeks, but after sleepless nights, even a morning meditation is incredibly difficult, let alone any asana practice.

When I can, I take pause and breath; I practice my 3-part breath, and I practice inhaling prana up into my head and exhaling it around my body (something we learned on the neuroscience and yoga course I did in April). Just this little attention makes a significant difference, but the impact on my day is a lot stronger when I get to have some time on the mat too.

As we’ve settled in here, I have met more people and tried to make some friends – a real struggle for me as an introvert. Almost everyone I have interacted with is a military spouse, and so there is an element of relation there, but I do still feel out of my depth. That said, as the weeks have passed, I have become more comfortable and I’ve mentioned the fact that I am a yoga teacher which has had some positive responses. I want to teach, but I also know that to teach authentically, my personal practice is super important. Not just Asana (posture) but my practice in my everyday life. We learn the Yamas and Niyama’s in Satsang, though not always by those names, and in Teacher Training we study them… but until you try to implement them into real life, it’s hard to understand them. It’s even harder when you have a tiny human attached to you and dependant.

Being a mum and practising yoga though… it’s entirely different. This article by Emily Azad transformed my thinking. I have a long way to go, but the ideas in her writing and the honesty of motherhood and yoga off the mat make such a lot of sense to me; I just need to practice them, every day. I hope that at some point, I can, as she does, go through each one and consider its personal relevance to me; and maybe then I’ll manage to write about it too.

This week has been particularly trying for me on this front because I am running with a baby who has woken almost every hour for the last 4 or 5 (I honestly can’t remember anymore) nights. I have not felt like being selfless, and I have complained at the lack of sleep, and the fact he won’t do a bed routine. I have complained at my mental boredom, and I have felt selfish, wanting time to myself. This of course also brings on the mum guilt, but I’m not going to write about that tonight. Today, I ended up snapping, and because I did so while baby was awake and around, and in my arms, I have judged myself harshly for it. I got angry with my husband, shouted… he didn’t say anything, so I turned around and left him to set up his game, and I put some music on, danced around and let Theo Prana play at my ankles. It took 3 and a half songs for me to compose myself and apologise to my baby… I have yet to do this with my husband but he’s busy, so I’ve left him alone.

I managed to get Theo Prana to sleep around 90 minutes after this, hyping myself up and making light of everything, to combat any negativity that I would otherwise omit. He’s a little bit of a jumping jelly bean so he had a great time and was tired enough not to fight sleep too much… anything before 9pm is a win for me! As I changed him, and fed him and sang to him, I did my pranayama practice. I watched my breath, and I consciously directed it upwards and then around my body. I kept going, every possible pause, every opportunity to bring my focus back I did. It helped… It made sure that rather than focusing on my anger and my outburst, I was focusing on my breathing and my baby. And it allowed me to put him to sleep without a struggle.

Once he fell asleep though, I ran through things repeatedly, and have been my own worst enemy. I sat for a good while just getting angry with myself, and as I wrote my diary, getting angry with H again too. But, noting these emotions, I paused and this time, forced myself to stop. Breathe. Look at the perfect tiny human we created. BREATHE. Accept that we are flawed. BREATHE. Try to forgive.

It’s hard. It’s harder to be kind to myself than it is to others. I expect more, and I am a harsher critic, but I’m also a work in progress.

I am exhausted, yet I look down at my baby and know I am privileged. I am a Mum. Motherhood is not an easy job, but it is a rewarding one. It doesn’t come with a rulebook, but if I close my eyes, and listen to my core, it tells me that I’m pretty good at it. Motherhood is a privilege. My baby is healthy, he’s generally happy, he’s growing and he’s learning. We have a good little family unit here, and though the ride may not always be smooth, it’s alright if we take things easy. If we breathe things work out.

I’ll sign off here, get some food and go to bed.

Thank you for reading.

R xox

P.S. if you have any suggestions or requests for me to write about, let me know. Thanks!