Anyone who knows me knows that there are certain things that define me as the person I am. I make the assumption here that this is true for most people; we are made up of our likes and dislikes as much as we are made up of the labels we bear. For me personally, a major defining feature is my son, now almost 11 months old and the biggest part of my life to date. He is closely followed by my husband, who I am falling in love with again as we make our house a home together (cringe I know!, but I am not in the habit of editing my emotions when I write).

There are of course other aspects of who I am; a yoga lover, a yoga teacher, a bibliophile, an academic, a writer, lover of animals, a vegetarian, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an acquaintance… I am many things, but for almost a year, they have been overshadowed by my role as ‘mum’, creating a little bit of an identity crisis. This crisis has not suddenly dawned on me, I have just struggled to find the words to express it fully until now.

In October last year, when my son was 3 months old, I wrote this:

“A lot of people told me when I was pregnant that when you become a mother nothing else matters – you are a mum first and everything else comes after.

Similarly, I have had people say to me that when you get married, you must put your partner first always – marriage is about sacrifice, even if it is at the cost of your own comfort and happiness.

So does that mean that now I am a mother first, wife second and person last?

Who am I?
Where has my identity gone?

Is marriage and motherhood synonymous with a loss of identity?”

I remember writing it, in my bed, after having put my baby down into his cot again following the nightly episode of screams because he didn’t want to be apart from me. I was feeling so deflated, and being away from H, I was feeling a little alone. Nights have always been harder for me, even before baby, so it doesn’t surprise me that I felt this way… but I came across my writing and decided that I needed to carry on.

Ironically, this crisis had renewed itself a little with my new surroundings as I try to fit into the role of mother and wife, while considering that I am both these things alongside H being Theo Prana’s father and my husband, and both of us trying to figure out this parenting and adulting malarkey.

H asked me, as we once again discussed my decision to keep my maiden name, whether I have “found myself” as Rohana Aisha Dewfall… and quite frankly I’d answer no. I have no-idea who I am anymore, because all of me seems so focused on mothering Theo that I forget what life was like before. This is challenging now as I try to create the identity of “wife” as well as mother; something I haven’t yet had to do while at uni. However, both H and I are in the same boat there so at least I’m not figuring it out alone!

The idea of losing myself to identities of “wife” and “mum” terrifies me, but I am determined not to give it to it. When I wrote in October, though it was only a short while ago, I was at an entirely different point in life, where I felt vulnerable and I was getting through each day and calling that a win… but now, I am celebrating each day and I am not feeling vulnerable (though I have my moments), I am feeling fierce. The love I have for my son is fierce, the love I have for my husband is too; they are different but as strong as each other… the love I have for myself is not as fierce, it is something I am still nurturing, but it is there, bigger and stronger than before; making sure I know that the identity crisis I am feeling right now is a huge part of life. A lesson in acceptance.

My tag line for this blog is “lessons from my life force” which for those of you who don’t understand it, means lessons from my son (Prana). The reality is however, that the lessons, while sometimes from my little one, are often things I innately know, but have not been willing to admit, or ready to face. Having my son with me, to guide as well as to be guided by allows me to explore these emotions and dig deep for these lessons… something I wouldn’t be able to do without my identity in motherhood. As I write tonight, I realise that this lesson is one of surrender, acceptance and adjustment.

Adapt. Adjust. Accommodate. 

I have fought the loss of my identity pre-marriage and motherhood, but I am writing this and realising that it is not a loss, it is just an adjustment. I am not the person I was 2 years ago, like I am not the person I was yesterday, because each experience adds to my identity. True, if I want other aspects of my identity to be prevalent then I need to work to make sure they are, but alongside that work is the effort to adapt, and even embrace an identity that holds motherhood and marriage as core aspects of it, without allowing them to overshadow other parts of me. If I can manage this, rather than be in an identity crisis, I’ll be in an identity re-creation… which is a much nicer way to look at it I think!

And on that note, I’ll be off.

Thanks for reading!

xox R