Writing the first part of this series made me feel lighter; taking a weight of worry away from my shoulders. That said, it does not mean it was easy to write, I have been churning over everything for a long while now, and it needed to come out before I move away. Following its publication, I received several messages about my writings being hurtful. I want to make clear that this is not my intention, and so I feel a disclaimer is necessary.

Disclaimer: My writings tell my truth, not to harm or offend but as a form of catharsis for myself. I make no apologies for the truth I tell, the emotions are mine and events are as seen through my eyes as I reflect back on my time. It is a personal account.

**

I have always been drawn to books and words, probably because of their incredible power to heal. This next reflection is another hard one, but one I want to write and let go off.

Tonight, I am starting my post about my experience as a student mum, my university and my living space while I studied. Heads up, its gonna be a long one! If you can make it to the end though, it will probably shed a lot of light on who I am today; at least regarding the experiences I have had in the last 9 months.

I travelled back to the UK with Theo Prana when he was less than 6 weeks old; my dad, the angel that he is, came with us, and we visited my grandparents first, before heading down to Portsmouth. Baby slept during the flight a lot, and I knew I was blessed not have had him screaming while we were in the air, but in the car, things were different. A lot of this time is blurry in my mind, so I apologise in advance for any hazy bits, I am telling my truth as I remember it. I know that my grandparents were smitten and, like almost everyone, they remarked how closely Theo Prana resembles H. We spent the evening with them and then went to a hotel, where baby screamed, and screamed, eventually vomiting over the bed; the new environment and English cold probably phased him a little. Daytime was fine, but the screaming picked up again as we travelled, and I remember having to pull over in the darkness because he would not settle in his car seat. Eventually though we got to Portsmouth, where R, my new flatmate waited excitedly.

I remember putting all our stuff in the flat, opening up my room and R meeting Theo Prana. I don’t remember if we had dinner, but I know that we crashed pretty quickly, and the few days dad was over, we spent getting things sorted. Dad build the cot we had taken from my grandparents, and got a new set of shelves for me to keep in the kitchen for all baby stuff. I labelled my food and set up the new pram, missing Gibraltar already and wondering when we would next see H.

Within a few days, my other flatmate, D, arrived. Dad left back to Gib, though he was scheduled to come back a week later, and I attempted to set a routine. I read Gina Ford and mistakenly assumed that just because things made rational sense in her book, that I would be able to apply that kind of routine to my life with Theo Prana. Sitting here now, still with no routine established, I think I must have been a little crazy! It all went to pot anyway when I attended Freshers Fayre, because the noise and the mayhem was all a little too much. I would have skipped it if I hadn’t been heading the Yoga Society, but it was my responsibility to show up, and so between the pram and the sling, Theo Prana experienced Freshers Fayre about 18 years earlier than most people. That week I registered Theo with the uni surgery and agreed to panel the university’s Question Time event which was scheduled just after Theo’s first vaccines. H visited for the weekend, his first trip since baby was born, so spent Friday-Sunday with us. The plan was for him to take Theo Prana during the event but because of the vaccines, but baby was having none of it and so spent most of the afternoon attached to my boob! It meant a lot to have H there, and Theo Prana gave his first proper smile to his daddy, a moment I know he cherishes.

We spent the weekend playing with Theo Prana, who had a new play-mat, and I tried to get H and baby to bond; this was harder than I thought it would be, because he was just too small to understand all the changes. I honestly don’t remember a lot else in terms of specific chronological events for a while after the Question Time. H’s visit was great, hard, but great, though he left far too soon but we managed. Distance has always been a factor in our relationship but the fact he now had to leave his son made a huge impact.

**

R and I made yoga plans and ate together when we could, my room became a social space for us, and Theo Prana seemed to steal her heart. D didn’t join in much, and I do remember saying very early on that I wished it was just R and I, because from the start D made a point to close doors loudly and express distaste for my son.

I feel at this point I should note that I am not attacking anyone, nor am I bitching. When I found out about my pregnancy, I asked my landlord if I could stay, and he said as long as my flatmates were okay with it, he had no problem. I asked both flatmates, because I was prepared to move into a single accommodation, but R was totally fine (even a tad excited) and D told me that he had no problem with my staying, so I did. Part of me regrets it now, but a bigger part knows that I needed to experience everything this year, to teach me more about the way I want to live my life, and how I want to set my life up with H.

My dad came back and helped immensely, I attended lecturers, studied and napped a lot. We were making use of the cot so nights were exhausting, but it was a relief to have my dad there as a support system. While he was there, Monarch Airlines went bust and I lost my mid-term trip to Gibraltar. Between us, the family had 14 flights lost, but my saintly father kept calm while I freaked out, and then helped me re-book flights. While he was there, one night Theo Prana would not settle, I tried everything – even the ‘warrior walk’ I had learned in postpartum yoga – and it made no difference. I felt helpless and like a useless mum, so I gave baby to my dad (who pacified him) and went into the bathroom hyperventilating. I sat and cried, semi composed myself and as soon as I opened the door, R was there checking on me. Admittedly, sometimes she was overbearing, mostly because we still weren’t used to each other and the house, but on that instance, as well as several others, her support meant a lot.

My dad left after a couple of weeks and very quickly I saw the difference in the reality of student life. Theo Prana came to lectures with me and often, to keep him happy, I would either breastfeed or carry him in the sling. I was conscious about not disturbing other people, but thankfully nobody made any comments. In fact most students were quite taken with the youngest person in the lecture, and while I found it hard to learn, the lectures provided a small break for me, to socialize and talk about things that weren’t always baby related. I had a few issues with friends at the start, but they resolved and looking back seem to be inconsequential. I missed H a lot at this time, and work was odd hours which made talking hard, but we arranged another weekend trip quickly, just after my trip to Gibraltar again.

The flights I lost, I rebooked with Easyjet and spent 10 days back home, working on assignments and catching up on sleep. Theo Prana screamed a lot at bedtime that trip, and I remember feeling like a terrible mother, unable to pacify him. The trip paid off and I did well on the assignments, pushing me to work harder back at uni.

I travelled back newly determined, excited to see my husband a few days later, not knowing that I was returning to the start of a really hard time. R and D had fought, a lot… she wasn’t used to living with people and had her own way of doing things; a way D didn’t agree with. Both of them with strong characters, a household feud began with me away and ended a few long weeks later.

Immediately there was a difference and tension in the flat, but we did our best to smooth things out, and the weekend that H came, I tried to focus solely on us as a couple – but knowing that he was going only a couple of nights later meant I distanced myself from him, a lot. The last time had been great, albeit tiring, but this trip I just didn’t feel strong enough to cope with the emotional baggage of saying bye again. After he left, I felt like quitting uni – I wanted to be with my husband, away from my student flat, away from the stress of uni, and away from all the things that weren’t a part of our family life. I turned 21 that Monday, and my parents had flown into the UK; as soon as they arrived, feeling all this, and having cancelled morning plans for a health visitor who never showed up, I remember handing Theo Prana to my parents and saying “you can have him, I need a break”. Obviously he had picked up on all my feelings, and he hadn’t napped, he wouldn’t settle and I was exhausted. So much for my determination from a few days previous!

We went out for dinner with my cousins, my parents and brother spent time with us and a couple of days later, they drove off to look at university options for my brother. I was on my own, uni pressures building up, Theo Prana struggling with bedtime, the flat situation becoming more tense and missing my husband. I gave up using the cot in an attempt to keep my sanity, choosing to co-sleep despite warnings against it. I didn’t care about what I looked like, I was literally getting from 1 day to the next. I think at this point the only reason I kept going was the emotional support I had; and because my personal tutor was not going to let me quit without a fight. I am genuinely so grateful for my village, but that is Part III, so I won’t divert there yet. Overall, the few weeks after my 21st birthday are blurry and kind of dark; I had lots of love but I felt very alone. My mum was due to visit and that kept me going.

**

Before mum’s visit, H had better working hours if I remember correctly, and so we managed to video call a few times a week, and he got to see Theo Prana, albeit through a screen, more regularly. The consistent communication made things easier, I didn’t feel the need to pretend that things were great all the time, and it felt almost normal. Flip the coin though, and my house situation exploded – things had progressively got more tense, and one morning, we tried to sort things out. Rather than make things better, the result was an almost 4 page letter from D telling R that she was a nightmare, and R deciding to move out. I felt very torn, and looking back I wish I had been more vocal, but my focus was my baby, he was getting upset because I was constantly tense, and so I kept quiet, letting R (even encouraging as I knew by then it would be what was best) move away, and trying to keep out of D’s hair. D and I got on superficially at times, but a lot of it was to keep the peace.

R moved out and mum visited. The dynamic of the house was awkward. I felt guilty, but also relieved, which in turn made me feel more guilty. Baby was by this time almost afraid of his cot, which made me feel like I was failing at motherhood, but helped my student life a little because I was getting more than 2-3 hours sleep daily. Mum’s trip was 4 short days, and during it we shopped, we talked, I relaxed. We drank wine too! It was a much-needed break, even though it had only been a few weeks on my own, I could feel myself sinking… and then halfway into her trip… I got a message from H to tell me was making a spontaneous visit!

H arrived and I borrowed an air-mattress from my best friend Dani because mum was still there for 2 nights and we only had one bed. It was really lovely to have the time with him, but also quite a shock, I wasn’t mentally prepared for it honestly! Still, any family time was a gift, and we tried to make the most of it; mum sent us packing to do couple things, like get baby weighed, and we went out for lunch one of the days. The day she was leaving, we met my cousins for brunch, and H walked with Theo Prana for a good 20 minutes before he fell asleep, and I snapped this picture! H is definitely not a fan of camera’s but I tried (and will keep doing so) to document as much of their precious time together as possible. We drove mum to the train station and had a couple of days together before H had to jet off again. This one was one of the hardest I think, because I hadn’t anticipated it. Looking back, it was probably the world trying to teach me to loosen up a bit!

*

My mother in-law, sister-in-law and aunt-in-law (is that a thing?) came to visit at the start of December. It was only for a day but it was honestly so good to see them. None of my in-laws had met Theo Prana because I had planned to make a trip earlier in the term but it wasn’t possible, so this was the first time he was introduced. They took Theo Prana out while I went to a lecture and then we made oven pizza for dinner; super simple but having their company kept me boosted for a few days.

My personal tutor and I had made a deal, if I made it through TB1, I would see the degree through; obviously if I was really struggling then we’d change things, but making it to December, 10 weeks into my degree, gave me hope. The term was a lot of little leaps, looking forward to visits and trips, and just getting through the hard days; but I was doing it.

The highlight of the term was H’s week-long visit, though we did really struggle at points, especially because Theo Prana had hit the 4 month sleep regression stage, and his 3rd vaccination set gave us the longest, hardest night I’d had by that point. The visit was another surprise, but this time I was better prepared, and because it was longer, I let my guard down more.

We made the very long trip to my-laws, which I could not have done alone, and spent a lovely day with them, before heading back for my lectures. Theo Prana got some one-to-one time with his daddy, and I got to catch up on studies. I had the option to nap, but I only did once; whenever H visited, I napped a lot less, trying to catch up on cooking and cleaning while catching up on his life.

**

He left, which must have killed him, and to prevent myself from getting into a dark place again, I booked a ticket to my grandparents the same day, spending 2 nights with them and my dad. There was a lot of snow at that time, which made the journey back very long, but dad and I got back to Portsmouth, and prepared to leave for Gibraltar for my Christmas break. I didn’t let myself feel a lot of the feelings I had once H left that week; in fact, it was only after writing Part I of this that I have been able to process a lot of them. I felt angry that H only got snippets of family time, not at him, but at his work, and at myself. I felt frustrated, because I was parenting and H hadn’t really learned how to – he hadn’t been given the chance. I felt guilty, for taking the time away, and stressed because I didn’t know how to reconcile all these feelings.

Adding to this, living alone with D had become increasingly difficult. He’d slam the door at the slightest noise from Theo Prana, didn’t want me going into the kitchen early in the morning and generally just made me feel a little bit crap. I decided that rather than feel everything, I would bury it, and I did so effectively. But now, I don’t need to keep it buried; which is why, even though I am aware that this post is very long, I am telling my narrative.

**

Christmas break seems like a whirlwind. I remember being very stressed, planning my exam and doing my 2500 word essay before Christmas day, having 2 days off and then trying to write 2 chapters of my dissertation before H arrived for new years. I didn’t quite manage it but did as best as I could, and asked H to take baby out a couple of times so I could finish off my writing.

The days before H’s visit I caught up with friends when I was alone with baby, and I put on a brave face, smiling when people congratulated me on completing my first term, and generally avoiding discussing the harder things. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t lie and pretend it was great, but I brushed it off, said we were coping and moved on. My stress levels peaked after Christmas, my dissertation was a huge deal and I felt overwhelmed.

H arrived in time for the New Year, though we didn’t do anything fancy. The week he visited, as I previous wrote, was the hardest one we’ve had. I know now though, that a lot of it was because of my stress, and my expectations. I was in this mode of ‘go, go, go’ and didn’t stop or slow down. I expected H to catch up, and I shouldn’t have. It doesn’t diminish the fact that things were hard, we argued and I felt wronged, but looking back, I can understand where my emotions were rooted, and they were selfish; something that I am working hard on. I am not perfect, but I do know I have changed a lot since then.

He travelled back to the UK and a day later I followed suit, with my dad meeting me at Gatwick (he flew the same day, different flight!).

**

I was scared to go back. I was worried about the flat situation, and I knew I had a lot of work to do this term. Baby was so much more active; I felt like it would be impossible to keep up – and for the most part I was right. I went back attempting to be positive and when my dad was there (few days) things were okay, he’d keep me calm and we’d go out more, but as soon as he left I was miserable. H had no time off for the foreseeable future and even though I only had 3 weeks scheduled on my own, I knew I wasn’t going to manage. Theo Prana wasn’t in nursery, and lectures felt impossible because he was curious and noisy. I felt bad because instead of enjoying my baby’s milestones, I was resenting the impact they were having on my degree – it was easier when he was smaller (minus the sleep deprivation). My dad came back again, and we travelled back to Gibraltar together in February. I had handed in part of my dissertation, and got feedback on it, but the trip was to focus on other assignments and the second half of my diss. I spent a week in bed while in Gibraltar, sick from stress and unable to work or do anything properly, which Theo Prana spent a lot of time with his grandparents. My dad came back to the UK again with me for 12 days, the last major push with assignments and hitting my draft dissertation target. By the time he left, it was basically March, leaving me with 1 final month of uni.

Some point in the haze of the first 2 months of uni, H got deployed; the biggest surprise we’d had (barring finding out about Theo Prana) and so we had our first go at long distance goodbyes – I don’t recommend them! This trip has definitely created an additional stress point for me, though it meant my guilt at being in Portsmouth lessened because we wouldn’t have been together as a family anyway. It’s been hard, and there were days where we functioned on autopilot, but there are inevitably moments where you want to share things, and you can’t, which has been the hardest part of the whole year in terms of our family unit; because it created another barrier. However, this time apart has made me cherish every single form of communication. I honestly don’t know what his head-space is like, but I know I have grown a lot in mine.

The last month was the hardest in terms of the flat. My mum made a short visit over, providing me with some sanity, and my friends were a massive comfort. I went out a lot, and often without cause. Theo Prana had been granted a place in nursery for the last few weeks of term, starting end of February, so when he was there, I’d either attend lectures if I had them, or go and work in a quiet area. The last week I actually just took him to nursery and went home to pack, and then picked him up again. I stopped fighting the lack of routine and stayed in my room when he slept; partly as a precaution in case he tried to crawl off the bed, but also because I didn’t feel comfortable in the kitchen. D made a fuss if any noise was too loud, he didn’t talk often, and I felt a growing sense of unease every time I was around him. Theo Prana’s food exploration had to be done in my room, because the kitchen was basically off-limits, and I soon felt like a prisoner of the room, only leaving to use the bathroom or make food which got consumed on my bed or, with Theo Prana in his high-chair and a red blanket underneath him. I was keeping positive externally for the most part and keeping busy to ignore my emotions, but looking back, I honestly don’t know how I coped. There was not one specific thing that happened (although there was an instance where D said he didn’t want me using the kitchen because he had an essay to write), but rather, it was a culmination of the faces, and mutters, the slammed doors and the odd comment like “he’s having a bad day today isn’t he” that made me feel entirely unwelcome in the flat. I literally couldn’t wait to escape.

And I did. I flew back home at the end of March, everything was packed away in suitcases and boxes, ready to be shipped out. I was flying back mid-April to get it all packed into a van, and to hand in my dissertation. I wrote my friends cards, and I bundled Theo Prana into his pram, balancing the suitcase on top, and made him say goodbye the to flat he spent a large chunk of his first 7 months in. He was super excited as walked to the station, but then, he’s always excited to go out for a walk! My happy baby kept me positive, even when things got really tough.

**

I got home to Gib and still powered on, refusing to let everything fully hit me. Finished my dissertation, and had a nightmarish trip back to the UK to hand it in. My plane got diverted, my removal van broke down, I said goodbye to my cousin in Southampton which was heartbreaking, my other plane was delayed and a couple who I’m both friends with broke up. On top of which, I knew that Theo Prana was not happy to have been left alone; as much as he loves his grandparents, he wanted mummy (more specifically, he wanted boobie).

But we survived, the removal van took over 2 weeks to finally pick my stuff up (thanks to my cousin living nearby), but he did, and it’s (hopefully) all waiting for me in my new house. I came back, had lots of cuddles over the weekend, and then that week, I was on a 9-5 course every day. I will write about it at some point, but need mention that the course was mind-blowing! Dad brought Theo Prana at lunchtime every day to feed and then I went home to them in the evenings. The week was hectic, and another hectic few days of assignments followed. I pushed myself hard, finishing everything and handing it in the first week of May, so that when everything was done, I could enjoy Theo Prana.

**

That was 2 weeks ago. Mum proofread my last assignment and we made some changes, but for all intents and purposes, I finished all my uni work 2 weeks ago, just in time for some sunshine. The first week was blissful, I watched tutorials and got super excited and prepared for my Younique business, signed up to some new courses (yes I’m crazy) and began tying up loose ends. I met friends. went to the park, and did all the mum things I have been dying to do. It was lovely, but I wasn’t comfortable, I had this weight pushing me down, and I knew it was because of everything I have written about, and more. Last week I started to write, but my thoughts were all jumbled, and so a few days later, I tried again, which ended in Part 1 of this blog post. Last night, I started this one, and every spare moment I’ve had over the last 25 hours has been focused on this… because it needed to come out.

I thought initially I would bitch about my situation this year, complain and get it all off my chest, but that would have been futile. I didn’t want to rant and have nothing good happen, so instead, I chose to reflect and analyse myself in different situations. I wanted to hold past self accountable, and to teach my future self to let go a little.

My situation within lectures taught me patience. My personal tutor made me determined. My parents kept me sane, and my husband has been my biggest source of encouragement; even away, because I was not prepared to have spent the last year on this roller-coaster without finishing, and doing my damn best too. My friends were my comfort, and my flat situation tested me beyond beliefs.

I practice and teach yoga because I love it, but this year has made me live it too, and I have failed many times, but I’ve stood back up, even when I didn’t want to. In the words of one of my best friends, I am going to make sure that I am “living my best life.” If you read this far, I’m impressed, but I’d also like to say thank you; I have had an incredible village surrounding me this year, through every hardship, and every happy moment too, your presence is noticed and appreciated.

For now,

Goodnight/day, wherever you are,

xxx Ro