It’s coming up to midnight, Theo Prana is lying down next to me and I am propped up with pillows and a tiny bed-lamp, wondering when on earth I am ever going to dedicate time to writing again. The answer: now apparently!

I tried to write a few days ago, but there were too many thoughts going on in my head, too many stories and too many emotions; I want to look back on the last 9 months and write about my experiences, partly to share, but mostly because I know it’ll be cathartic for me. I’ve decided to do this in a series of parts, rather than just one super long blog post, which I think will also help me express everything as I write. The past year has been a blessing, but it has been tough on many different levels, and while I know I’ve been luckier than many, I’ve also dealt with a lot. Experience is the best teacher (something I just read from my mum’s old essay) and I have learned a lot.

My journey from Bump to Baby was a hard but beautiful one, and my postpartum experience brought lessons of resilience and acceptance, though I didn’t realise it at the time necessarily. Tonight however, my mind isn’t really on my labour journey or the initial weeks, it’s on H; who I was blessed to have at Theo Prana’s birth, but who has been gifted very little time with his son since then.

I know that as a military spouse, part of the deal is that your time is not your own, your partner cannot always be around so missed months are normal, but that doesn’t necessary make it feel any easier. Soon, when we are together as a family, I am sure I will have lots to say about the trials faced as we rekindle our relationship, and create a sense of home together. At this moment though, the realities of a life together seem impossible, because it is not something we have had.

H moved away while I was pregnant, to continue his training, and I stayed in my student flat in Portsmouth, which I returned to with Theo Prana when he was less than 6 weeks old. H was absent for most of my pregnancy, creating a sense of aloofness that neither of us wanted but that was unavoidable. When we were together, we took lots of photos, and made the most of what we could, but the reality of my growing belly was hard to comprehend, especially because I was choosing to continue my degree in Portsmouth, despite the distance it created between us. Having finished it, I can say that although there were many moments (and days) that I felt guilty for this choice, separating H from his son, and Theo Prana from his Daddy, I in no way regret my decision. Theo Prana was a surprise, and while he is the light of my life now (as has been since before his birth), I know that had I not finished my degree this year, I would have resented my decision.

That said, being a student meant that when H visited, it was very odd. The flat was not my home, and I was not 100% comfortable, which meant that I couldn’t relax. If he visited for a weekend (which he did, twice) then by the time we were getting used to each other, he had to leave; resulting in my distancing myself, so I didn’t have to feel the emotional drain as he said goodbye. Obviously this wasn’t the best thing I could have done, but at the time, nothing really made any sense.

It was lovely to have him down, but it meant extra cooking, cleaning AND less napping, which left me exhausted. Theo Prana noticed the change in atmosphere, with a new person around (which I hate writing because it saddens me that his Daddy is regarded as a new person) and would sleep less, needing me more. H doesn’t do well with sleep deprivation either so that was just another thing for me to stress about! But, even though I complained in the moments, I cherished the time as much as any sleep deprived, study stressed student mum could – and I made sure (I hope) that H knew even when I was a little upset, or I did complain, it wasn’t because I wanted to be mean, but because this slow form of torture was making me mad. Bless him he really did try, but Theo Prana would often not settle with him (apart form the first week in the hospital, and one miraculous occasion at H’s parents), choosing to scream instead, looking for me. Admittedly, this is a thing I am worried about for the future too; but now I feel that I am much better equipped to deal with it.

Before Christmas break, H managed a whole week visit and this time things changed incredibly. We had more than 60 hours together which meant that I relaxed, even though I knew the goodbye would be harder, and Theo Prana got used to his Daddy. H took him for a few hours on a couple of days, giving me the choice of study or nap, and that week I’m pretty sure I even managed a bath – though baby woke up and it was cut short! H also saw Theo Prana ill (3rd Vaccine set) with his first temperature, and realised I think, just how little sleep I was surviving off of. I spent the whole night with baby on my chest, sat upright; it was the hardest night I had by that point. The day later, we travelled to my in-laws where H’s family all got to meet Theo Prana, a trip I had desperately wanted to make a few weeks previously, but after the struggles of the trains and tubes, I understood why the universe had made me wait. We only spent 1 night there but it was an important one, and though I’m sure I seemed overly attentive and concerned, I wouldn’t change a thing.

The last time (to date) I saw H was a few weeks later. He was on call for work over Christmas, so made the choice to spend Christmas away, a decision that upset me greatly at the time despite the rational thought process behind it. Instead, he travelled to my patents on New Years Eve to spend 5 days with us. Being totally truthful, this was the hardest and most frustrating time. Any and every time we have been at my parents as a couple has been hard, I feel very torn between my family and H, and it has always ended up making me feel a more than a little stressed (and that was without the baby!). Adding to the general awkwardness and unease, this time I was super stressed with assignments and an exam to prep for plus Theo Prana was going through the 4-6 month sleep regression period, it was a difficult trip.

Side note: I absolutely LOVE this picture! Thank you Gerry Martinez; it’ll be one for the wall.

The trip was hard, and we fought a lot, I felt like H didn’t want to maximise the time with Theo Prana and tired as I was, I resented him for being away, for complaining that he was tired when he got a night’s rest, for having a social life that didn’t require being home by 7pm, and for not really understanding what parenthood is yet. He didn’t get up early, and even getting that photo was a huge effort (my hubby hates being in front of a camera, despite my love for photography), he was on his phone a lot and seemed bored with Theo Prana quickly; I felt wronged that I had to do everything. The thing is, in hindsight, I think a lot of it was me with the problem. I am thinking back to all these mental (and physical) conversations and I am laughing (silently – Theo is still sleeping) at my frustrations! I have grown a lot as a person since this photo was taken.

Admittedly, I don’t appreciate the complaints of tiredness when I was so heavily sleep deprived, or the expectation that my parents would pick up slack, but I think that maybe H was doing the same as I did on the short trips; distancing himself so the goodbye seemed easier. I try to put myself in his shoes, and I understand wanting to sleep all day and pretend that things were different, I understand feeling awkward in someone else’s house, no-matter how welcome they try and make you – because I am like this at his parents too (though to a lesser extent now I think). I feel like, in H’s shoes, I would have acted similar; though maybe not have gone quite as far, but looking back at the time as I am now, I cannot justify being angry or upset, because everyone copes differently; it must have killed him to know that he was only getting a few days with his baby, and while at the time I thought he would want to spend every second with Theo Prana, I understand now, that perhaps that would have made everything more difficult than it already was for him. After all, I know now how much being away from baby hurt when I did it last month.

***

These thoughts and feelings are all spinning in my head, it’s gone 1 am here and my brain doesn’t want to quiet. I leave to the UK, to our new house, and our new life in less than a week, starting a new adventure. I don’t yet know if H will be there, but I do know that at some point, this house is going to be our family house, and after packing today I think I am getting nervous. Overwhelmingly I am excited, but there are nerves creeping in, asking all the questions and forcing me to reflect. Theo Prana will meet his Daddy for the first time in a long time, it’ll be our first experience living together and our first time as a real family of 3… there is a lot that will be going on.

I am determined however, regardless of how challenging things may be, to be positive and mindful. 5 months ago I wasn’t ready to put myself into H’s shoes, and try to understand his version of the world; but now, though it will feel impossible at times, I know that I can step out of my own reality, and pause to understand his truth. I have grown enough to know that it is my job to stop and question myself before getting upset, and to try to drop my own agenda. I have learned a lot about parenthood in the past 9 months, but H hasn’t had that; he needs the time to learn it, and I need to give it to him, with love and patience being a constant.

The time without him felt like it would be impossible, but I got good at dealing with distance and I am proud to say we survived it. My relationship has been tried and tested before, and the trials we faced in our short trips are probably tiny in comparison to the challenges we have in store for us, but I know beyond a shadow of doubt that we will make things work beautifully. H is on my mind, so maybe he’ll visit my dreams, we shall see… for now, I’ll sign off.

Goodnight/day wherever you are

xxx R