You know that feeling when something feels like it’s happened too quickly, but also like it’s been the way life was forever? For example when you meet someone and you feel like you’ve known them before, but really you haven’t, or when you become so used to a new routine that you can’t believe you ever did things differently.

That is how I feel sat writing this.

My little boy is 7 months old today. When did that happen? The time has gone so quickly, even though moments are long and hard. I watched a video the other day and it really resonated with me, about long nights, but short years; especially as Theo Prana has been sick recently and the sleep deprivation has been extreme. That said, when I look back on the week, I don’t think about the tired mess I was, I think about my poorly baby, and how I wanted to take his pain away. That is motherhood; we care so much less about how rubbish we feel because our tiny humans are our focus.

In my short stint at motherhood, (though I feel like this is so entirely part of my identity now that I can’t imagine any other way of life) I have felt defeated, felt exhilarated, smiled, laughed, cried and much more. To mark 7 months, and because they have been on my mind a lot this last week, I am going to try to relive each month within a short paragraph.

Here goes:

Month 1:

Theo Prana entered the world on the 27th of July, at 3.17am and my labour was beautiful. Despite all my research I had no idea what to expect but it went wonderfully, and stayed present through most of it, though quickly after was off in coo-coo land because of a significant loss of blood. A week in hospital was not what I’d planned, especially because I wanted some family time with H (my husband) but I needed to recover, and this first month was exactly that: a month of recovery and bonding with my baby. Breastfeeding was an incredible challenge, one I am glad I have stuck to. Within the first 3 weeks there were several times where I thought I wouldn’t manage but we did! There were many long nights and many tired days, but I had my parents around and Theo Prana grew and changed almost daily. I look back at his newborn photos and can’t believe how much he’s grown – I miss the baby cuddles where he wouldn’t try and wiggle out my arms or steal my glasses!

Month 2:

Basically fully recovered, I made the most of the Gibraltar sun, and prepared to say goodbye to home. Theo Prana had his first flight and we came back to the UK for my final year of university. He was so good, despite all the changes and thankfully my dad spent a lot of time with us so I could settle in to my uni work. Theo had his first set of highly debated vaccinations and he piped up in all the right places during the Question Time event held by my faculty at the university, feeding in between he’s opinions. We had a lovely but short visit from H as well. It feels so unfair that he’s had hardly any time with baby but somehow the months have past and we are almost at the point where we will close the distance!

Month 3:

Very sleep deprived and stressed, I took trip back home for Theo Prana’s first Diwali. It was beautiful and a much-needed trip, though Diwali was his first real late night with no bed routine which resulted in about 3 weeks of absolute torture at bed time. He would just scream and scream. I think this is where he developed his disdain for the cot, and I was too sleep deprived to care so we began co-sleeping. Theo Prana smiled for the first time though and it was caught on camera by my housemate. He hardly slept during the day but he was always super good during lecturers, as long as he could feed when he wanted, there was never a problem.

Month 4:

I turned 21 and H came down again for a weekend, and my parents did a trip to the UK with my brother. I took Theo Prana to every lecture and decided to ask friends to babysit while I taught my weekly yoga classes. H came down again for a whole week this time and we took a trip up to see my in-laws which was fantastic, and Theo Prana had some proper time with his dad. During his 4th month Theo Prana had his first Christmas too, back home in Gibraltar which was fantastic, though my baby wasn’t feeling 100% on Christmas day and slept through lunch. I managed to get a lot of work done though and caught up on some sleep.

Month 5:

H came over for New Years and spent a week in Gibraltar with me and my parents. The trip wasn’t quite as planned but he got some time with Theo Prana. He left and a couple of days after I left with my dad back for my second (and last) term of university. Things were much harder in my flat and the pressure of assignments heightened but my dad was round for most of the month, making a spontaneous trip to see us and help us with travelling back to Gibraltar for the start of month 6!

Month 6:

This month has been intense. I have had so much uni work and somewhere in the midst of it H got deployed adding mental stress to my already full brain. On top of that, during my trip to Gibraltar I got bogged down with a flu-ish illness and did hardly any work, and when we got back, Theo Prana got sick and put on antibiotics. This month was meant to be when we started weaning but we haven’t got very far because with one thing and another it hasn’t happened and Theo Prana just threw up everything he was eating for quite while. Between my parents at home and my dad (who’s basically lived in Portsmouth this term) with me here, we’ve managed the month pretty well, though it’s been the most challenging yet. That said, it’s also been the most rewarding because he can now sit up entirely straight and is comfortable there, can roll over both ways and is smiling a laughing and making lots of sounds. He is an absolute joy!

Month 7:

We shall have to wait and see! I anticipate lots of messy floors, sticky palms and gooey faces, tired nights and daytime naps. Theo Prana starts nursery this month so we shall see where that takes us as well.

These last 7 months have been the hardest of my entire life. People talk about labour as this big, scary and painful thing that women go through; and sometimes it is, but I think it’s only a microcosm of what motherhood is. Labour pain in a weird way prepares us for the hardship of motherhood. And with immense pain, motherhood brings immense joy. These 7 months have been incredibly difficult but they have also been the best 7 months in my life. I cannot imagine life without my life force now, and even in the hard moments there is cause for smiles and laughter because there is so much love. Theo Prana is so attached and sometimes it gets frustrating but really when I take a breath, I can see that all it is him saying “mummy I want to be with you, I love you” and everything melts. I would carry him 24 hours a day if I had to, it would be hard but I would do it. I will keep him in my bed for 5 years if that’s what he wants, even if it means less sleep for me, because it won’t last forever and someday he will want to be on his own. When it happens, many mums have told me that I will miss the nights together so until then, I’ll cuddle him lots and laugh as much as we can! I don’t want to take any day or night for granted, because my baby is 7 months today but I know in the blink of an eye he’ll be 1 year, then 2 and then 10 and I don’t want to miss a second of it.

Xx

R